Who do you tell?

[Jasmine]

I've been thinking about this for a while.. I'm currently transitioning from 'male' to female, i've legally changed my name, started hormones and had the diagnosis etc, but when i'm in social situations such as at college, i'm not sure who i should and should not tell that i was 'born transgendered'.
Alot of people refer to me as 'him' and 'he' although i think they all know my name and can tell i'm not very ordinary.
I've made some girl friends and part of me realy wants to tell them, but part of me wants to speed up my integration into the female role..

Who do you personally tell?

[Northern Jane]

What I did in college (which was a LONG time ago) was simply to move into androgyny and not "tell" anybody anything - let them come to their own conclusions. Strangely many people figured I was female and some didn't know what to think. The better people got to know me, the more certain they became that I was actually female.

[Jasmine]

What I did in college (which was a LONG time ago) was simply to move into androgyny and not "tell" anybody anything - let them come to their own conclusions. Strangely many people figured I was female and some didn't know what to think. The better people got to know me, the more certain they became that I was actually female.

Kewl. Did you have any unpleasant experiences?

[Ms Bev]

People never assume I am any gender but female.   However, earlier on, Everyone at work knew, because they knew me before, and new hires were told by any number of people working there. 

Outside of work, earlier on, I didn't tell anyone who did not know me previously.  What's the point of introducing them to someone you were before?  If you do, you must have some reason.  If you have some reason to, then you should determine what that reason is, as soon as you can....


Bev

[NicholeW.]

IMO, you never tell anyone that has no absolute need-to-know. People draw their own conclusions pretty easily. Or they care nowt at all.

Spouse, prospective spouse, probably should tell, but that is entirely up to your own feelings.

Friends, not the ones you're making after you transition.

Doctors, yes. And others in "official capacities" if they need-to-know.

Othewise, I simply suggest not telling. There's usually no need I find. And the downside when you do is not always particularly pleasant.

Nichole

[Jasmine]

What's the point of introducing them to someone you were before?  If you do, you must have some reason.  If you have some reason to, then you should determine what that reason is, as soon as you can....


Bev

Hi Bev.
I know I don't pass very well (I'm nearly 6 ft 3) and i feel self-conscious about it.. I guess I feel as though i'm hiding something, and I don't like that. I'm an honest sort of person.
But that's a good point you're making.

IMO, you never tell anyone that has no absolute need-to-know. People draw their own conclusions pretty easily. Or they care nowt at all.

Spouse, prospective spouse, probably should tell, but that is entirely up to your own feelings.

Friends, not the ones you're making after you transition.

Doctors, yes. And others in "official capacities" if they need-to-know.

Othewise, I simply suggest not telling. There's usually no need I find. And the downside when you do is not always particularly pleasant.

Nichole

Hi Nichole, Yes you're right. So far no-one has asked me at college either. I often try to get the M changed to F on any records, though they don't always honor it. At college i'm enrolled as a female.

[Ms Bev]

Hi Bev.
I know I don't pass very well (I'm nearly 6 ft 3) and i feel self-conscious about it.. I guess I feel as though i'm hiding something, and I don't like that. I'm an honest sort of person.
But that's a good point you're making.

Don't feel too out of place.  I have 2 cousins who are taller than you.  No one thinks they're male.  They just admire them.  I come from a line of Amazons, like my mom, but got the short straw.  I also have a female friend who is 6 '5", and very pretty. 
Take it easy on yourself!


Bev

[Kate]

I'm nearly 6 ft 3...

Me too! If you don't worry about it, neither will they

Who do you tell that you're in the middle of transitioning? Well, I suppose anyone you're close to who knew you before you started transitioning.

But I wouldn't necessarily tell any of the new friends you're making now at college. Like Nichole said, people will figure out what they will... but that doesn't mean you're doing anything "wrong" in need of explanation. If you wanna be open about it, that's cool too. But you don't *have* to be. You're just being you, ya know?

When I started transitioning, I told pretty much anyone who knew me well already, and whom I still dealt with regularly. But not anyone I met from then on, even if I suspected they'd guessed my past.

~Kate~

[DeValInDisguise]

Had the experience of coming out after transitioning last night.  Went to a monthly social group that I used to attend several years ago.  Some people were still the same and when I introduced myself as Val they got this look on their face, sort of recognizing me yet not.  At that point I'd tell them "I was D, and I was here with K".  It felt odd.

Val

[Northern Jane]

Kewl. Did you have any unpleasant experiences?

Once or twice.

It was funny actually. In androgynous mode there were a couple of girls who were REALLY interested and the only negative comments I ever heard were from guys who were really pissed at these girls throwing themselves at me. Though! (Too bad I wasn't into girls  )

[Jasmine]

Once or twice.

It was funny actually. In androgynous mode there were a couple of girls who were REALLY interested and the only negative comments I ever heard were from guys who were really pissed at these girls throwing themselves at me. Though! (Too bad I wasn't into girls  )

At least you gave the guys something to think about...
How have things been since then?

[Northern Jane]

Oh gawd, I  was in college in 1969-1973 and transitioned in 1974, as soon as SRS became available.

Thanks to spending part of my teens en femme and being too naive to think otherwise, I just slipped fully and completely into women's life for 30 years. I never gave it a second thought until a few years ago. After the dissolution of my second marriage I started wondering what it was like for girls transitioning today and wondering if I could help so I started sticking my nose in (online). The whole 30 years were pretty ordinary, a lot of fun, and just totally comfortable and natural.

When I was young, I didn't tell ANYBODY! It was over, I was cured, and my medical past was irrelevant. In the first few years in my  new life, I was pretty wild. It was the 1970's, the time of "Peace, Love, and Rock & Roll". I was young, pretty, and 'full of the juices of life' so I had a grand old time. Of all the guys I shared a bed with only one ever said anything - he questioned my genitals 'looking a little different'. I  wonder if he ever found his car keys in the snowbank?  I did what any girl would do - slapped his face, grabbed my clothes, and stormed out!

The only person I ever told about my childhood was my second husband, when the relationship started getting serious, and he took it really well - he actually felt even more protective of me.

I am much older now, with a lot of my life behind me, and in the last few years I have been much more open about my unusual status (transsexual with a dash of Intersex). That has pretty much killed everything in the romance department. I am still attracted to guys but straight guys invariably do a runner as soon as they find out, Gay guys aren't interested in someone who is decidedly girly, and Lesbians, well, Lesbians just find it all "curious".


So here I sit, just me and my Hound, wondering if there is anyone out there who is man enough (or woman enough) to ever stand beside me.

[Jasmine]

The only person I ever told about my childhood was my second husband, when the relationship started getting serious, and he took it really well - he actually felt even more protective of me.

I am much older now, with a lot of my life behind me, and in the last few years I have been much more open about my unusual status (transsexual with a dash of Intersex). That has pretty much killed everything in the romance department. I am still attracted to guys but straight guys invariably do a runner as soon as they find out, Gay guys aren't interested in someone who is decidedly girly, and Lesbians, well, Lesbians just find it all "curious".


So here I sit, just me and my Hound, wondering if there is anyone out there who is man enough (or woman enough) to ever stand beside me.

Oh there definately is someone out there for you, I'm not even fully passable at this stage and i've been 'out' with 2 guys (one was gross, the other was incompatible) within the 11 or so months of transitioning, but there's been a bizzare flow of guys on the net trying to contact me, and i've ended up getting a bit sick of it actually!! If you want I can tell you which site that is but be careful..
At the moment I identify as A-sexual, and so I tend to be a bit fussy with my partners, though because I can relate so well with other transsexuals, that could be my main option as opposed to genetic men.
Have you explored the option of dating a transman or transwoman?

There's a post i was in the other day about transadmirers:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,13877.0.html

My opinion about alot of single transsexuals, is that once our confidence emerges, we actually have good tastes and don't want to settle for trashy guys or girls, though as I said, I did that once.

Oh yes, and about the "dash of intersex"; Since the GID diagnosis i've felt this way also. Have you had a medical opinion on the intersex part?

ciao!

[Janet_Girl]

I actually am pretty open about being trans.  I don't shout about from the rooftops, but if asked I tell, if it is obvious to them.  Most people don't however. 

I guess it is a 'need to know only'.  But I am not ashamed of it anymore.  I enjoy being me for the first time in my life.

I don't have anyone in my life right now but I would be open to dating a transman.  I am not into women anymore, but I would not necessarily be put off by dating a transwoman ether.  But I would rather be treated like a woman.   

Janet

[Northern Jane]

Oh there definately is someone out there for you....

Maybe part of the problem is that I am "passable" and don't normally mention my past until things start looking serious or at least promising. By that point it is like the guy feels he has been deceived.

Since the GID diagnosis i've felt this way also. Have you had a medical opinion on the intersex part?

Just recently I asked my family doctor to do what's necessary for that testing.

[tekla]

I tell everyone, I'm old.  I do not have enough time to waste with people who might not like me.

[Jasmine]

Maybe part of the problem is that I am "passable" and don't normally mention my past until things start looking serious or at least promising. By that point it is like the guy feels he has been deceived.

Yes I've heard of all different approaches, I don't know what's best except I tend to be obsessively honest (I have OCD) and tend to spring it on them before we meet for a date or whatever. For example, the randy guy rang me a few times after we first met, wanting to meet me again, and that's when I told him. The guy I met off the net I think knew before he even contacted me, as It's on my profile.

Just recently I asked my family doctor to do what's necessary for that testing.

oh, that sounds good. Though it can be hard to fully investigate intersex. If you have klinefelter syndrome it's pretty straightforward, I was tested for that but no luck... I didn't have it completely examined for 'mosiacism' though, but it's unlikely, as they tested many chromosomes in their test. Klinefelter syndrome is where the sex chromosomes are XXY instead of XY male or XX female. I think mosaicism is where you might have some of each, eg. XY as well as XXY.

[Northern Jane]

Yes I've heard of all different approaches, I don't know what's best except I tend to be obsessively honest

Me to. It's just that I am not going to tell every Tom, Dick, and Harry. If they guy's a jerk, he wont get a second date but if we have gone out a few times and he seems sensitive and enlightened enough to understand, I'll give it a try. Usually by then by then I am starting to have feelings for him and getting dumped isn't painless.

I think I am going to start looking for an FtM! Should be no issues there!

[April221]

As a general rule, the only person that I'll say anything to, would be a man that I'm considering going to  bed with, because I'm pre-op. Post-op, I honestly cannot say, because that is not the situation that I'm in. I was raised as a female into my teens, and my social and vocal skills more than compensate for my age and somewhat masculine facial features. If anyone ever were to question my gender, and it does on occasion happen, my response is the same as any other genetic female.

I relate to myself as a woman. There is really nothing else to say to anyone. Anyone who knows me, knows me as April. Some refer to me by my middle name. I'm a woman. Unless we may become intimate, what else is there? What is there to tell?

[umop ap!sdn]

I make sure any potential intimate partners know before it gets to that point, but otherwise I haven't been telling any of the new people I meet. They don't need to know, and telling them WILL unavoidably change the way they see me, so why do it? It's not dishonest because they're interacting with the real me, and if they assume I'm an XX person well that's a good thing. A little inaccuracy can save a lot of explanation.

Incidentally, almost all of my LGBT friends know, but my straight cisgender friends don't know unless they knew me before.