There's a lot going on with me.
Today my counselor said that when she first looked for me she was looking for a "Sara." So she peeked out the door, looked into the waiting room, saw a boy sitting there, and left back to her office. She told me she thought about it for a moment, came back out again and called my legal name. That's when I stood up, crossed the room and shook her hand. "Nice to meet you." She wasn't sure how to handle it until I told her I was sure that I will be one of her GID patients. She spoke to one of the therapists who works closely with many GID patients and he said that if a person looks very much like the opposite sex (like I do) because of dress and presentation, it's very likely that they're transgendered.
That same therapist I will see September 17th. I'm very excited that I'll start working with him.
Tomorrow, I'll see a M.D. to discuss medication for my anxiety/panic disorder. We have to address these symptoms before I can start T, or I'll be ballistic from the stress, physical changes, and excitement. Tomorrow I will probably recieve a prescription for a stimulant, as I also have been diagnosed as ADHD.
Let's list what's going on with me, in no particular order:
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)
GID (Gender Identity Disorder)
BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and other anxiety/panic symptoms
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Yeah, I don't like the term "GID" either, but it's what they call being transgendered. Honestly, I'm not going to argue with them. They're going to hand me T (eventually).
Now, that list is LONG. Perhaps two of those can be combined into one. I was only officially diagnosed withe the first 4, the last I think might later be brought up. The thing is, you can't have both GAD and OCD at the same time. It's one or the other. I believe I have OCD, because my anxiety has an obsessive-compulsive flavor.
Unlike a lot of transpeople I've heard from, I have a massive plate of disorders to deal with, not just GID. Also, this cocktail of disorders causes me to be depressed (although I do not have "clinical depression," so it's undiagnosed). These symptoms and disorders explain a lot. They explain why my transition has been on hold for so long and it explains why my dysphoria is so extreme.
After I see the M.D. and start some medication, I will be undergoing therapy with other people who have anxiety/panic disorders. Medication is not the only step, the patient must also participate in therapy in order for the medication to be effective long term. I will be in a 6 week long anxiety/panic disorders class. During this period, I will see a therapist (who is qualified to be a Gender Specialist) once a month or so, which still leaves large gaps, but at least I will be working in between visits.
I also in addition visit Positive Images, a LGBTQQI group where I am able to express myself and learn about others.
My process will be longer than most. If you've known a kid with ADHD, you probably noticed it took him or her longer to learn and longer to do things. I just have to accept that this is part of my life and I have to take things like change slower than other people. Because I now understand this, I am a lot less frustrated. I thought I was "normal" and that people were just picking on me. Now I know I'm "special" and I need to take things a little slower and easier.
So that's my news.
I will be addressing my anxiety/panic disorders until they are manageable. Then transition is SAFE to begin. It's not that I'm not mentally ready. My counselor means that I am not ready as a person because if I jump into it I will probably freak out from the excitement, the change, and the risk.
ADHD can be medicated and it can also be treated therapeutically.
GID cannot be "treated" but my pain can be alleviated through transition and therapy.
BPD can be treated through self-therapy. I have to be more aware of my feelings and manage them.
GAD is completely treatable through therapy and it will also be a lot easier to handle once transition starts.
OCD is also treatable although I have never heard of it completely going away.
So there's my list... there it is. It really is longer than I thought it was going to be, but the positive thing is that they all affect each other, so if I work through one, essentially, I work through them all.
To clarify, I probably won't get a lick of testosterone until a year from now or more. That is if I progress at a fairly normal rate. It upsets me, it makes my life more difficult, but I need to get over it. Not to mention that I already pass really well... Not to say I don't want T. T will be unbelievably helpful when it comes to my self image.
