Insecure

[aquariusbob25]

Hi everybody! Nice to meet you all!

I'm glad I'm able to talk here about this subject, I don't know who else to talk to! Recently I've been having fantasies about dressing up in women's clothes (especially dresses, lingerie and boots). These fantasies are sexually arousing, but I also feel very guilty for having these thoughts. I'd like to wear these clothes and masturbate, but am not interested in being a full-time crossdresser or to go out in public in women's clothes.

So this weekend I decided to surf the internet for clothes I might like to buy and saw it mainly as harmless, maybe even fun. Then I came cross this article:

http://jenellerose.com/htmlpostings/darkside/ControllingtheUrge.htm

and it made me doubt myself even more and feel more guilty and brought on a fear to go into a downward spiral of self-doubt, self-loathing and even more insecurity.

Can anyone give me some advice?

Thanks in advance!
AquariusBob25

[gennee]

Janelle makes the excellent point that crossdressing is not a neutral act. I discovered that over three years ago when I put on a skirt. I was fifty-six at the time. I chose to embrace my feelings and am happy and content with who I am. It took me a year to strike a balance.

Crossdressing opens up many emotions that maybe you never thought about. Don't be afraid of these feelings. You don't have to feel ashamed or hate yourself. If you can find a crossdressing group where you live seek them out. Support groups helped me to understand what was going on inside of me. Keep me posted.

Gennee  

[Louise]

This is an interesting article and there is a good deal of truth in what it says.  But it is incomplete.  Crossdressing is often associated with guilt and it can become compulsive, but it does not have to be.  The guilt that is associated with crossdressing comes from our violation of the social norms of gender behavior.  A man who wears a dress is simply not behaving like a man.  What we need to do is step back and ask whether this social norm that we are transgressing is a good thing or a bad thing.  Women's liberation has encouraged women to stretch the boundaries of gender norms and it is a good thing that those norms have been stretched, since they restricted women in ways that did not benefit either individual women or society in general.  Traditional gender norms for men are also being stretched in many ways that benefit both individual men and society.  It is better for all that men are now encouraged to be more nurturing towards children.  Men who crossdress are expressing the feminine side of our natures.  That is not a bad thing, unless one equates being feminine with being bad.  But that is exactly what traditional patriarchal society does expect.  The problem is not that the crossdresser is bad for violating a social norm; the problem is that the social norm is bad.  It is bad because it restricts individual freedom and self-expression and because it encourages men to act in socially harmful behavior.  Crossdressing hurts no one.  There is no real reason to feel guilt for being a crossdresser any more than one should feel guilt for being a member of an ethnic minority or for liking a particular style of music.

I agree with the article that crossdressing can become obsessive and can be overdone.  But a lot of things can become obsessive and can be overdone.  The problem is not the crossdressing--it is the obsessiveness and the excess.  The article concluded with a promise of some practical advice as to how to control the urge to crossdress so that we can avoid the problems it mentions.  Unfortunately this promise was unfulfilled.  None of the links provided really gave any practical advice on this matter.  That is where I think a forum like the one we have here can help.  The best advice is advice from someone who has shared experiences. 

[Truth Seeker]

I don't understand why anyone would feel "guilty" for this. Guilt implies some kind of failing, something to regret, or that you have in some way let someone down... how would any of that apply to being a CD?

Maybe I am missing something, but if you enjoy doing something, where does guilt factor into it? Just go nuts, do what makes you happy and be whoever or whatever you want. It's your life. I can't understand why you would feel guilty in the first place just for doing something that gives you pleasure. It's no different than any other kind of sexual fantasy.


Truth Seeker

[MarySue]

Huh??

Ah ... didn't most of us get the message as kids that crossdressing is wrong, sick, evil, perverted, yada, yada? Given that, the guilt comes naturally! We're letting our family down, of course, because we're not "normal."

Yes, I know that's a load of horse pucky. I tell myself I'm not hurting anyone. But sometimes ... well, once you've been booked on that quilt trip, it's hard to cancel out!

As for being no different than any other kind of sexual fantasy, yes, I agree. But don't most people feel guilty about their sexual fantasies? At least the ones that don't involve sex after marriage, in the missionary position?

[Ellieka]

I think the author of this article is reading too much in to the whole issue.

Consider this:

1.) are you breaking any laws while Cross dressing? i.e. public exhibitionism, rape, or other indecent behavior? If not then why feel guilty?

2.) Are you bringing harm upon anyone, yourself included? If not then go for it!

[Truth Seeker]

Huh??

Ah ... didn't most of us get the message as kids that crossdressing is wrong, sick, evil, perverted, yada, yada? Given that, the guilt comes naturally! We're letting our family down, of course, because we're not "normal."

Yes, I know that's a load of horse pucky. I tell myself I'm not hurting anyone. But sometimes ... well, once you've been booked on that quilt trip, it's hard to cancel out!

As for being no different than any other kind of sexual fantasy, yes, I agree. But don't most people feel guilty about their sexual fantasies? At least the ones that don't involve sex after marriage, in the missionary position?

Maybe this is an area thing, or a personality thing? I can't imagine why anyone would feel this way. Do I feel guilty for my sexual fantasies? Not even remotely. Why the hell should I? Why would anyone?

Maybe this is not the case over in the Americas but I would like to think that most of the world is enlightened enough by now to understand that fantasies are just fantasies, we all have them, there's nothing to be ashamed of. And no, I've never heard from anyone that things like crossdressing are sick or perverted - at best it's just the butt of a few jokes.

What places are these where people are made to feel ashamed of having sexual thoughts? That's ridiculous, lol, I literally can't imagine it. I certainly don't see any reason to feel guilty if you have been ridiculed by family members and such, fearing something like that is not the same as feeling guilty, if you feel guilty it's because you've done something wrong, and this clearly is not "wrong" since it causes no harm.

All I'm saying is there is no rational cause for that guilt. So what's the point in indulging it? Might as well just shrug it off and go do what makes you happy.


Truth Seeker

[MarySue]

Wow! If you've never gotten the message that crossdressing and sexual fantasies ... at least the ones that aren't "mainstream" ... aren't at least slightly dirty and shameful, then I envy you. You must be living in a very enlightened society indeed.

Alas, I think most of the world isn't quite so mature. Yes, I'm in the US, but I don't think the US is the only culture that gives that message to its kids.

Oh ... it might also be a generational thing. I grew up in the 50's & 60's. Back then, psychiatrists officially considered homosexuality (and, I believe, crossdressing) to be a mental illness. And I don't think attitude was limited to US shrinks (someone please correct me if I'm wrong).

And yes, I know that's a load of crap. And yes, I know I'm responsible for my own feelings. And yes, I was in college in the free-love 60's and 70's! But nevertheless, sometimes, when I least expect it, the messages I got as a kid come back to haunt me.

And I suspect I'm not the only person on this site who has the problem. Ah .... ever heard of "purging?"

[Lyric]

I agonized over this for a couple of decades. Then it occurred to me that the best way to understand the desire to look feminine was stop worrying myself to death and face it head on. Life is too short to stress out over something like this. So what if you find it sexy? We live in a country founded by religious extremists and have a long history of feeling guilty about anything that that turns you on. If it doesn't hurt anybody and it makes you feel good, it's OK-- great, even.

Sexuality-- and identity-- are areas of life about which there are many variations and most of them are secret. People try to look and act homogeneous, to a degree, but, trust me, there are many, many people who share your interest. Many, in fact, are genetic women (note closets full of shoes, lingerie, etc). In fact, I tend to believe that many of the men who are turned on by womenswear are not that different from women who are. We just castigate ourselves because of the cultural norm of how men are supposed to dress.

One thing I think everyone here would agree on is that such desires don't go away. You just need to fit it into your life. That usually takes a bit of imagination, but that can be part of the fun.

You don't have to be a woman to enjoy women's clothes. And there's so much to enjoy...

--Lyric

[Truth Seeker]

Wow! If you've never gotten the message that crossdressing and sexual fantasies ... at least the ones that aren't "mainstream" ... aren't at least slightly dirty and shameful, then I envy you. You must be living in a very enlightened society indeed.

Well I suppose it could be more of a case that I simply haven't been looking for anything like that, but I've never encountered any public example of crossdressing being met by hatred or strong resentment, as I said usually things like that are just used as jokes or playful insinuation.

I've seen the occasional episode of Trisha (think Jerry Springer on valium) and so on that had stuff like that being dealt with, but I've no memory of the audiences seeming particularly unsupportive. Is it possible do you think that maybe part of the problem is the crossdresser's own expectation of being judged?

A saying of mine is "Victims get victimized", which I apply more to cases of bullying. I generally find that people who have been bullied in the past or for some other reason expect to be bullied, will encounter that behaviour more commonly than those who don't. Either because their insecurity attracts predators, or because their paranoia actually invents them where they don't exist.

The way I see it, even if I had been raised to think that my particlar sexual fantasies were wholly wrong or sick, and as such suffered all the guilt and humiliation associated with that - I'm still not the kind of person to let the past hold him down. I would let go of those things and simply do whatever makes me happy.

I still think that guilt is an emotion associated with failing, and I don't see any failure in doing something that makes you happy and doesn't hurt someone else. To me it's all a matter of perspective, the guilt is something you do to yourself, and nobody can force you to feel that way once you're old enough to be responsible for your own actions and emotions.

And I suspect I'm not the only person on this site who has the problem. Ah .... ever heard of "purging?"

Yeah I know what it is. I imagine that we've all "purged" our sexual fantasies in one way or another over the years, be it a result of not wanting to get caught/judged, or simply feeling silly for the things you do when erotically charged. Males in particular have to put up with that annoying sense of humiliation and indignity once the moment has passed, which can lead to us doing silly things, lol.

However personally I wouldn't undestand doing it for reasons of "guilt", not sure why I'm having so much trouble with that concept, lol, I just genuinely don't understand why you would feel that particular emotion for doing something you enjoy. Then again, I haven't had people whispering in my ear for most of my life trying to brainwash me into feeling that way.

So in that case, the question becomes simple, will you let those people maintain power over you for the rest of your life? Or will you simply let go of the past, and realize that you alone are in control of what you feel and do, and nobody but you can force you to feel that way? You're more than just their punchbag, but only if YOU believe so.

Feeling guilty because of that kind of past mistreatment gives those people more power over you than they deserve, and expresses that you are nothing more than the product of those past experiences. I personally would never let myself feel that way, I am who I choose to be, so unless I'm letting myself down why should I ever feel guilty for what I am?

So for me, purging would be from the sense of indignity or powerlessness I might feel after being taken over by my urges, not from a sense of guilt.


Lyric, my philosophy is much the same as yours. Do what makes you happy, don't weigh yourself down with pointless guilt. No one can force you to feel negative about what you do, and whether we admit it or not, at the end of the day being at peace with ourselves is always our own decision - provided we have the courage to make it, and to let go of our burdens.


Truth Seeker

[barbie]

So this weekend I decided to surf the internet for clothes I might like to buy and saw it mainly as harmless, maybe even fun. Then I came cross this article:

[url=http://jenellerose.com/htmlpostings/darkside/ControllingtheUrge.htm]http://jenellerose.com/htmlpostings/darkside/ControllingtheUrge.htm[/][/url]

and it made me doubt myself even more and feel more guilty and brought on a fear to go into a downward spiral of self-doubt, self-loathing and even more insecurity.

Can anyone give me some advice?

Thanks in advance!
AquariusBob25

Yes. I was the first born. It started at age 4, as I remember. Since then, I sometimes wished to have been born as a woman. An exception is that I sometimes became enamored of my own fully naked body. Without any cloth or accessory, I could achieve what CDers are said to want, by looking the mirror.

Yesterday, a young female employee here wore a red miniskirt, showing off her legs. Some men commented her legs are pretty. I replied that my legs would be more beautiful. I sigh as I can not wear skirts freely like other ladies here. I am jealous of her, because I can not wear freely like her, not because she looks more beautiful than me.

Therefore, I sometimes wear miniskirts out of my workplace to confirm that I can look as beautiful as other young women, and I am skeptical that my wearing miniskirt is related with the 'dark side'.

Barbie~~

[Kaelin]

I've glanced at the article before (it was linked to before at this site), and the pieces I looked at were filled with wiggle words and one-sided ideas.  Essentially, it's anti-CD propoganda, focusing on anything that's arguably negative without doing justice to the positive or neutral.

Shame is essentially their weapon.  If they make it seem like you are the problem (that you don't have the "will") rather than them (whether they are prudes or simply want to be in control), you can get a pretty good sense of where their interests really lie.  It's the same sort of approach social conservatives also use against gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transsexuals, and anything that doesn't fit their narrow world view.  That's sort of why GLBTs have their "pride" events, to counter those attacks.

The APA may consider you to be a "transvestic fetishist," and that's a pretty tame "problem" to have.  It's probably more benign than BDSM and porn reading/viewing -- the biggest reason people attack it is because it's not typical (or perhaps more accurately, it's not what they do).