Now that I'm here, I have so much to say that I feel paralyzed. I guess I should try to categorize myself, distasteful though that can be. I am a no-ho, no-op queer boy. I've come to terms with my lower anatomy, but I might want top surgery at some point. I might want hormones, but mainly to change this girly voice I have. I hate it when people on the phone call me "ma'am."
It was very confusing going through life as both transgendered and gay--I mean, a biological female who is sexually attracted to males seems like a perfectly normal hetero, right?
Well, no. I have grappled with my weird proclivities all of my life. Kept it all a secret, of course. I didn't know that there were FTMs until I was in my late twenties, and I didn't know that there were gay FTMS until I was in my early thirties. Now I'm in my forties, but I still feel as if I am stuck at thirteen and don't know what to do about it.
I finally self-identified as FTM while I was an undergrad in college (I was a returning student, older than most), but I didn't quite know where to go with it. I started suppressing my identity while I was in graduate school after discovering that I could only handle one big issue at a time. Graduate school is a huge psychological and intellectual drain, and I just didn't have the emotional wherewithal to deal with my gender and sexuality issues at that time.
So for years I was kinda like those cowboys in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN in that I would stuff my identity monsters in a box for most of the year and only let them out every couple of months, at which point I would go through a short phase of longing, anger, and depression. Then back to "normal" again.
This summer, I was going through one of these sessions (letting the monsters out for a short romp) and couldn't stop. I'm supposed to be writing my doctoral dissertation (hahaha), but I can't do that with these beasts rampaging around in my living room every day. They're out of my head now. They're out of control. And I am so tired of always keeping them hidden. So I made a decision: to just go with it, be who and what I am, and start counseling so I can figure out my next move.
I have waited a week to hear back from the GLBT Center here in town, only to find that their transgender counselor is booked solid and has a waiting list. I'll be receiving a list of other counselors by e-mail here in a day or two, and then I'll start the waiting game all over again. I have also tried to join a prominent FTM forum on Yahoo, but my membership has been pending for well over a week.
Gah! All of this waiting is driving me crazy. I'm on my summer break, so I spend my days watching gay movies and TV, surfing the Internet for "Queer Boy" t-shirts and freedom rings, and endlessly checking my status on the forum that I'm trying to join. And I talk to myself. And pace. And pace. And pace.
I am wearing holes in the carpet. It wasn't in very good shape to begin with.
Identifying myself as a gay boy was a very big step for me. All this time I have been telling myself that someday I hope to be a gay guy, after my dissertation is finished and I can turn my attention to the problem. No wonder I was so confused. I'm not hoping to be a gay guy, I AM a gay guy. Acknowledging that has made all the difference.
Unfortunately, it has also unleashed this cascade of formerly repressed feelings, so I am hoping that there are other gay boys here on the forum. I desperately need someone to connect with. I need to talk to people like me.
Anybody out there? Just say "hi" and let me know that I am not alone.
