Oh, okay, I admit it!

[PolarBear]

Yeah. It's time to admit it. I feel that I am a guy.
Time to stop denying it to myself.

Any time I let a bit of the man inside of myself out, the happier I feel. More... content with myself. More me. And that scares me to death. Because, really, I don't want this. Life is tough enough as it is, I don't need the added complications of being transsexual. But then, who does?

Yesterday I was at a barbeque of my girlfriend's aunt. Mostly people from a village, farmer folks. Good folks. Traditional in gender roles, the men set up the barbeque and the women take care of the drinks, clean tables etc. Without thinking, I started helping out my girlfriend's uncle with lugging heavy materials to set up the bbq.  Yeah. Luckily, all he did was look a bit odd and then accept my help.

And a while later when I was eating, my girlfriend next to me. My mother-in-law came up to us, put her hands on our shoulders and said "Ladies, are you enjoying yourselves?" I really had to think for a second before it hit me that she included me in that statement as well, that she referred to the outside of me and that that outside is female.

So yeah... No use in denying it any longer hmm?
I really don't know what I am going to do with this knowledge, but I figured to be honest to all of you (and myself) and come out here. I will talk about it with my girlfriend as well soon, because she knows that I am questioning but not that I really accepted myself yesterday.

Well, I guess I'd better change my gender marker now. 


Hopes he is welcome in the boys club,
PolarBear

[je]

Go polarbear! I have gone from thinking I'm a girl to thinking I'm androgyne to thinking I'm a girl again. I'm just so weird...

[Buffy]

So yeah... No use in denying it any longer hmm?
I really don't know what I am going to do with this knowledge, but I figured to be honest to all of you (and myself) and come out here. I will talk about it with my girlfriend as well soon, because she knows that I am questioning but not that I really accepted myself yesterday.

Well, I guess I'd better change my gender marker now. 


Hopes he is welcome in the boys club,
PolarBear

I think most of us would say that overcoming denial is one of the hardest thing to do, perhaps only second to coming out to others, especially those we love.

Gender Marker?... I always wondered what the sticky up little blue thing was.

Congratulations PolarBear on your big step.

Buffy

[Stealthgrrl]

To me, it's those automatic reactions that are the most telling. The woman I am wouldn't be denied ("I won't be igNORed, Stealth!  ) and kept surfacing no matter how hard I tried to hide her.

Good for you, Polarbear, and best of luck.

Stealth

[PolarBear]

Thanks people.
It feels really strange.

[trapthavok]

Hopes he is welcome in the boys club,
PolarBear

Of course you're welcome, bro! I had already pegged you as one of us, but I'm glad you see yourself as one of us too It's a huge step. I was just as distraught about it all at first, just as you sound, if it makes you feel any better. My life is hard too, and I already feel like an outsider or outcast wherever I go, and I just want to fit in, I don't want to be any more of an outsider than I already am and make things harder on myself.

But you know what? Being who I am makes me happier than being who I thought I was ever did. It'll be hard yeah, but I hope you'll be happier in the long run. Just give it some time to sink in, and try to love yourself for who you are.

[Yochanan]

Yay for the new member of the "Boy's Club"! x] (I like that--maybe I'll start using it. =p)

[NicholeW.]

Thanks people.
It feels really strange.

When you name what you know and stop denying it, it always feels strange. It's a very new world, like the old one made a change in some subtle way that made everything different: new streets withold names, new people with old faces, new you with an old and familiar seeming cant.

Yes, luv. It is a starnge feeling, but one you will come to cherish.

Hugs,

Nichole

[sneakersjay]

Welcome, Polar!

Most of us don't throw a party and say, wow, okay, COOL! when we realize who we are, myself included.  But there is a kind of relief (at least there was for me) in knowing what was wrong with me, and then knowing there was a way to fix it.  Not that publicly coming out was a the top of my list.

But we're here for ya.

Jay

[PolarBear]

Again, thanks everyone.

I'm glad you are all so supportive, though of course I shouldn't be surprised. This is Susan's, after all. For now, I am going to try to take it one day at the time, which means telling my girlfriend tomorrow. She won't be very surprised, I reckon. A couple of days ago she asked me if I had already picked out a new name... I'm very lucky with her.

And yeah, the boy's club. Or men's club, for those who feel more mature. (Yes, I'm thirty years old but I still often feel like a kid inside.)
Heck, it almost sounds like a rock group. I'll play the guitar. Anyone else got musical talent? I remember reading that Dennis can sing?  And someone else as well, but I'm afraid I forgot who that was... Sorry.

Cheers,
PolarBear

[tekla]

I can design and build you a fantastically expensive sound and light system while working as your manager, then I'll take all the money, retire to a place that has no extradition treaty with the US, leaving you not just broke, but heavily in debt, then you can be a real rock band.

[Janet_Girl]

At a boy, Polarbear.

You are now official on the journey of your life. 

This a big step, one of many.

Good Luck and Pleasant Journey.

Love,
Janet

[PolarBear]

Yeah.... Beginning to get a bit scared now... To tell my partner. Yes, she is supportive so far, but how will she react when I tell her I figured it out?  Oh my.
Just let me ramble a bit, I hope this helps settle my nerves a bit.

Bouncing off of the walls at the moment, lol. I'd better take myself outside and run around the apartment complex a couple of times, getting rid of the nervous energy or something.

And the really really irritating thing is that she will know something is up the second she is through the door. Grrr. She can read me like a, like a... well, like a book I suppose. But a book with big frickin' pictures and subtitles and the whole lot. Can't hide anything from her, not even for an hour or so so I can't wait until after dinner without her knowing I have something to tell her.

Hmpf... enough whining, I'd better go do something productive. Peeling potatoes or something, haha.    <-- big taters

PolarBear, the bear who isn't acting cool right now.

[Sephirah]

*smiles*

Agent Smith said it best:

"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of... inevitability."

*hugs*

Good luck, honey.

[NicholeW.]

Ah yes, cousin Agent. I liked him better when he played Elrond though!!

Of course she can read you like a book with pics and subtitles, luv. It's what we do!! Have to ya see, keeps us alive most of the time.

It'll be fine, Polar, I just know it will.



Nichole

[PolarBear]

Yay for me!   

I can't say I was eloquent, but I told her (with some help from her) and it's cool. She even asked me if she had to put together a "goodie-bag". Those of you who watch the L-Word know what I am talking about, for those of you who don't(like me): it's a bag with all kinds of FtM stuff in it, such as a packer, a binder etc.

And I guess a name would be helpful. I'm kinda leaning towards Vincent. It's nice, not too long, not too short, two syllables, you can shorten it to Vince, Vin, or even (yikes) Vinnie. I know my parents would have named me Michiel (the Dutch version of Michael), but it doesn't really do anything for me. I could take it on as a second name though. Vincent Michiel. Bonus would be that my initials would be V.M., and in Dutch "female" is "vrouw", so basically you can read VM as FtM. Yes, I'm nerdy that way.

And all of that leads me to the big question: What am I gonna do about it?
And right now, I think I'm not going to do anything. Well, okay, I am going to continue to talk to my therapist. I'm thinking of going to another one, because this one doesn't know much about gender disorders and, well, it shows. So I will have two more talks with her after her vacation to see if we can make it work, and if not I will go to a gender therapist. That will probably involve some travelling, but that's okay.

But for the rest? To be honest, I'm fine where I am right now. I don't feel the immediate need to tell my family, or to start T or transition. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. Maybe in two weeks time I am jumping up and down to be seen as a man, but for now the fact that I know what's true is enough.

Thanks again everyone for their support, it really really means a lot to me.
PolarBear.

p.s. And I admit to blushing every time one of you ladies gives me a hug or calls me luv or honey...

[Arch]

I'm coming in rather late, but I just want to say welcome to the club!

[Aiden]

Sweet!  You did well.  My own chosen male name picked out coincidentally turned out to be one my mom had considered using if I had been born genetically a boy lol

[sneakersjay]

Sweet!  You did well.  My own chosen male name picked out coincidentally turned out to be one my mom had considered using if I had been born genetically a boy lol

That's cool when that happens, or you take that name on purpose.  My parents were going to name me Larry.  Um, no.  I picked Jonathan so I kept the meaning of my female name, and my initials.  I'm too old to change how I scribble my initials!  LOL

Jay

[Aiden]

Wanted to keep my Initials but didn't like any of the male middle names that started with D lol

So picked an old favorite thats not really in the books.  Kinda of an alternative of one that is. Jonos