I need some advice

[James-Alen]

Ok, so I'm gunna get right to the point with this, I came out to myself two years ago when talking to an MTF online (the one that helped me realize what TS was). I've been working on perfecting my image in 2 year's time, and every year say 'hey, i'ma come out this year!' then when the time comes i back off with my tail tucked. I made a plan and have thus far stuck to it to not come out until i move out because i'm afraid of course, of my crazy condescending, insane step mom and my father. At the same time i'm not sure how much longer i can wait.    It's something that has been throbbing inside of me a long time and is a returning, depressing thing in my heart. I dont know if i should go ahead and coem out or not 

[Lachlann]

I guess the thing to keep in mind is that you'll have to come out eventually to them. I can't tell you whether or not it is the time now, thats up to you... but I guarantee that it probably wont be easy, even when its the right time.

[Arch]

I guess the thing to keep in mind is that you'll have to come out eventually to them.

Not necessarily. I mean, it really depends on what you want from your family. I might be an extreme case, but I've never wanted to have anything to do with my parents since I moved out, so I left with no forwarding, and I never asked them for a thing. I have to admit that my decision to cut them out of my life was compromised when my highly intelligent but presumptuous, asinine, and well-meaning brother gave them my new address and phone number without asking my permission, but eventually I did cut them off completely, and I've never requested or received any kind of monetary or emotional support from them. I believe that if my bro hadn't taken that step, I would have had a high probability of making the clean break quite successfully. Like you, James-Allen, I had a long-term plan--get a job, save money, find a place to live, etc.--and pretty much stuck to it. Of course, I wasn't worried about coming out at that time--at that point of my life, I had convinced myself that I was just a kid with really weird fantasies. And I don't ever expect to come out to my parents, either. I have my own life, and it's none of their business. Of course, you are a couple of years younger than I was when I left home--I had just turned twenty-one.

If you don't want your family in your life, then you might want to bide your time and do your best to stick to the plan. If you need to vent, do it here at Susan's Place and maybe find a face-to-face support group. Can you be out to others but not to your folks? That's a short-term solution that might give you some peace until you can move out.

If you DO want your family in your life, to whatever degree, then your decision is indeed more complicated. I have no experience with the family dance that so many people have to go through, so I am hesitant to offer suggestions on how to navigate that. But I will say this: sometimes your head has to rule your heart. If you have reason to believe that life at home might become intolerable if you come out to your folks, then you are probably better off sticking to the plan and finding emotional outlets through whatever friends you can find. Because once the genie is out of the bottle, you really can't stuff it back in. Which scenario is worse: holding yourself together for a while longer, or living through their reaction if you do come out?

I have found that writing can be a useful outlet for my frustrations. Sometimes it keeps me from doing things that I would regret. You don't even need to keep the writing concrete; you can write all manner of rant and then delete the file or wipe the post.

It might also help to do one of those "pros vs cons" charts and actually lay everything out--what you have to gain and to lose. Listing is a form of writing. It can calm you down and make you feel rational. And it can help you to BE rational. Once you see a physical description of the pros and cons or the risks versus the rewards, you can better assess the situation. And you can also list various alternatives or resources that you might not have fully explored.

I guess what I'm saying here is, don't be rash. Most of us are stronger than we think, but sometimes we need other folks rallying around us to remind us of our strength. I'm sure that you can obtain some of that support here. I don't know whether it will be enough, but perhaps it will keep you balanced and focused enough to get through this period and help you to make a calculated decision.

Keep us in the loop, man. Sounds like you're going through a particularly rough time right now.

[Lachlann]

Right you are, Arch. I suppose I was going with the assumption that people wanted to still be in contact with their parents, but its not always the case.

[Arch]

Right you are, Arch. I suppose I was going with the assumption that people wanted to still be in contact with their parents, but its not always the case.

No harm, Monty. Most people don't do what I did, so I would actually be surprised to hear James-Allen say that he wanted to do it too.

[sneakersjay]

My family is and was very religious and I was scared to come out to them.  I was afraid they'd disown me, talk religion to me, express their disapproval at every turn, etc.  Trust me, trans, gay/lesbian etc, is NOT an item of conversation.

Maybe because I'm older, I don't know, but coming out was a non-event.  My mother was actually very accepting, asked a lot of intelligent questions (rare for her; you'd have to know her), and in the end has been supportive.  My brother and sister were like oh, okay.  My dad was fine also, just make sure the hormones I get are legit and he was going to forward some pharmaceutical article he'd read to me.

I was not expecting that at all.  I did expect tons of questions and disapproval and a lot of badgering.  We'll see if they change their tune once  T kicks in.

Good luck.  I know it's hard, and that many families do NOT react the way mine did.  Yours may react worse than you imagined, or they may surprise you.  If you need to transition now, by all means come out.  I know once I made my 'diagnosis' (which was confirmed by 3 therapists, LOL) I just want to be done with transition and get on with life.

Jay

[James-Alen]

Monty: Yeah it is sort of an inevitable situation, i cant decide whether or not to rip the tape off not, or later.

Arch: Thank you ^.^ I do want to keep my parents in my life though (if possible : /) Which makes the situation more of a tangle rather than just vanishing (which sometimes i wish i could do) I agree that waiting may be more beneficial, i get so much crap from my step mom as it is that I cant physically imagine how she'll treat me when she knows and i'd literally be trapped with her, not that I'm not already.  Perhaps being rash really isnt the best route but im afraid to get in too much of a tangle if i wait, such as the conflict with dad wanting me to work for him.

Jay: wow that is a really rare situation, specially for such a religious family! *is jealous* I do really want therapy, that's another thing i was hoping they'd be freaked out into getting me some which would be covered by the medical.

[trapthavok]

In a way I agree and disagree with Arch.

Dude, James, clearly you've given this a lot of thought and you know who you are. I must say, I've only accepted my being trans for maybe three weeks, and only looked into it for all of 5 weeks. I know more than anything that this is who I am, but sometimes I still doubt myself. I've only been on this track for 5 weeks....but my therapist says she wants me to go see a GID therapist to get the help I need. Therefore, I need to come out to my parents because they're paying for everything and I still live with them. I could lie to them because I don't want them to know until I know 100% but....I don't want to do that to them, and lies only make things more complicated. My mom's stressed out with work right now, and it'll NEVER be the right time with dad, but I'm coming out to them on Wednesday no matter how reluctant I am to do it.

I guess I told you all of that because as my therapist said, if you're trying to wait for a "right time" to come out to your parents, there will never be a right time. All I can tell you is to do what I did. Prepare yourself emotionally for this kind of thing, write a letter to them telling them exactly how you feel and who you are. You can read them the letter or you can use it as a guideline for what you will say. Then ask yourself, can you live with them knowing who you are? Can you take their reaction no matter WHAT type of reaction it is? If it's bad, could you tough it out for the next (x amount) of years you have living with them?

Cause the thing is, you need to start seeing someone. Once the T bug has bit you, so to speak, and your eyes have been opened its hard not to think about it. Its hard trying to get by pretending who you used to be, at least it is for me. Some people might agree with that. So either you can keep things the way they are with your parents and suffer with the idea of keeping yourself hidden for however long you have left living with them....Or you can come out to your parents, and accept their reaction (good OR bad) and possibly get the help you need with the therapist.

In the end it's all down to you. Are you mentally prepared to accept the consequences of your actions?

At first I'd hoped so much that my parents would take it well and they'd still love me, because they always say they'll love me no matter what...But I've come out of my delusion, and prepared myself for every possible reaction that they can have. Coming out is necessary for me...no matter how much I don't want to do it I have to. But being male is all I think about 24/7 for the past few weeks....I can't imagine going through this for a couple of years as you have, without help.

Good luck with your decision bro. If you want, I can tell you how it went with my parents, maybe give you some advice when I'm done coming out this week.

[Arch]

James-Allen, you say that you have a plan. Could we perhaps offer better advice if we knew what it was? I mean, you're going to get advice from all over the map--and you pretty much have done already--but maybe we could help you more if we knew more.

I think that trapthavok is absolutely right that you need to be seeing someone so that you can prepare to transition or start transitioning. Is it a possibility now? A pro could help you to suss out your family situation, too.

[Elwood]

I came out and didn't think about the consequences. Because of this, my process for getting T has been really slow. But I have to say that even though it may have set me back, I am so relieved.

[James-Alen]

James-Allen, you say that you have a plan. Could we perhaps offer better advice if we knew what it was? I mean, you're going to get advice from all over the map--and you pretty much have done already--but maybe we could help you more if we knew more.

I think that trapthavok is absolutely right that you need to be seeing someone so that you can prepare to transition or start transitioning. Is it a possibility now? A pro could help you to suss out your family situation, too.

The plan was to wait until i was 18, moved out, and living on my own before sending something to the degree of an email (because that would give dad a chance the think bout it before having to talk to me). If i came out to them i think they'd get me therapy purely because they didn't believe me : / the therapist i wanna see is miles away

[Arch]

Hunh. So if they MADE you go through therapy, you wouldn't necessarily be seeing the therapist you want? And you wouldn't necessarily be seeing someone who works with GID folks?

It could be good to just talk to some professional, any professional, unless your folks intentionally choose someone who isn't friendly to GID. Could you tell your folks that you have some issues that require therapy, but not be specific about what those issues are?

Guess I'm not helping much here. Are you working? Looking into the cost of living in your preferred area? Will you be able to afford therapy and, later, transition? Can/will your parents offer monetary help? Do you expect to move out right when you turn eighteen? That's, what, another few months?

Historically, what has been your father's attitude toward people with unconventional genders and sexualities? You appear to expect that it will take him some time away from you to get used to the idea. If that's the case, then waiting seems prudent. But if you're spinning around and going nuts by not telling him now/soon, and if he might come around fairly quickly, he could be supportive, and you might be missing out on that.

I feel like I'm thrashing around in quicksand here. Obviously, you're the one who makes the decision. I think that the best I can do is to offer a different perspective and maybe ask you one or two questions that you might not have considered yet. But you probably have.

Whatever you decide, I just want it to work out well.

[James-Alen]

yeh I'd be worried about getting stuck with some a-hole giving me the 'it's a phase' bs. I am indeed working min wage, I've been scoping out apartments as i turn 18 here very soon, hopefully therapy isn't TOO much money >< i'm hoping it wont be 100 bucks a whack or anything like that. I am willing to doubt my parents will help me, and I would have to go down to Vancouver to see the therapist i've had my mind on which would cost insane gas.

I watched a documentary on Trans ppl once and dad said something along the lines of 'those sick ->-bleeped-<-s should die' though i'm not sure if he was joking or not, he likes to joke that way. He also isn't a fan of gays, which i am. Lol Icing on the rejection cake. Yeh i'm not sure how he'd react but naturally i expect chaos and his finance will do the best of her ability to turn him against me (givin that she dislieks me to begin with).

thank you ^.^ It's really cool of you to have this convo with me

[Arch]

My therapy is $135 a session, but I live in one of the largest and most expensive cities in the country. I am paying out of pocket instead of going through my insurance plan. I don't even know whether my plan would have allowed me to see my therapist of choice, but I do know that I would have been subjected to certain restrictions--I would be required to submit a "treatment plan" for approval (who knows how long THAT takes), and I think only a certain number of visits are covered anyway. And I would have had to wait. I've heard horror stories about HMOs that drag their feet over stuff like this and draw it out for months before they magnanimously grant permission for therapy...and they can always turn people down. I needed to start now, and I needed a GID specialist.

I believe that the transgender counseling at my local gay and lesbian center is on a sliding scale, but I'm not positive. Some therapists might do the same.

I don't want to poke holes in your balloon, but you might wind up paying $100 a session. Just do your research now and try to prepare as best you can.

How are you feeling at the moment about your family? Have you tried sort of testing the waters with them? Maybe you could rent a DVD with a trans character (like that documentary, only something else) and use it to carefully gauge the situation. Could be tricky; could work really well.

Anyway, keep us in the loop, and hang in there.

P.S. If it's just a phase, I've been going through mine for about forty years.

[James-Alen]

Well the guy i want to see for therapy works on a sliding scale, you pay less if you have less to pay and i admire him amazingly for this because it shows he's not just out to cut a hole in ur pocket. I'm prepared to pay a lot of money doing all this, i've already thought of it and am expecting it... i just am hoping i wont have to you know?

I used to watch documentaries about trans people in the living room and dad and his GF would do the 'Aww GOD CAN WE P-L-E-A-S-E TURN THE CHANNEL?!" I even told her once, straight up, 'hey i wanna be a guy' at the beginning of all this and she was like 'omg shut up' and forgot, now she's itching because i wont tell her again why i act the way i do. I've thrown a million hints at them and all it does is infuriate them, they think i'm rebellious and just want to be a non-conformist and annoy them.

Ha ha exactly. two years is a long phase.

[Arch]

Well the guy i want to see for therapy works on a sliding scale, you pay less if you have less to pay and i admire him amazingly for this because it shows he's not just out to cut a hole in ur pocket.

Excellent. I hope you can work it out so that you can get into therapy with him.

I think denial is the first phase of grieving...so maybe the "it's a phase" response is typical, at least until parental units get used to the idea. You would have to ask around and find out what other folks' experiences have been like. I'm certainly not a paragon of experience when it comes to dealing with family members.