Hi i dont now if i can talk about this on this part of the board.. But im just hoping for same advice.
Ok.. So im 20. and a female, But i dont fill like one never have. Iv always felt diffrent from a young age. and copyed my 2 older brothers rather then my older sister, Clumbing trees playing in woods ect ect, at the age of 5 i cut all my hair off. and at 6-7 i tryed to pee syanding up. I didnt think much of it cuz my mum keeped telling me i grow out of it. Growing up. my mum would buy me girls and boys cloths. Sometimes we couldt afford much so we got things on the cheep. i liked wearing t shirts and baggy cloths. i even used to wear my step dads work boots.. My mum would always get me girls cloths. But i hated them. I think i wear them becuase thats what was expected of me. My mum say i did play with dolls. Barbies. and i loved hourses. At about 8-9. i really started to dress like a boy. Atleast ever mth till i become 16-17 my mum would set me down and tell me to grow up and be a girl. In the bk of my mind i would think. But im not. How can i be your daughter when im not. I never told my mum my fillings as i never thought i could I thought she hate me. like my dad did. At 12 my dad stoped seeing me when i started dressing like a boy. he would call me heshe Not nice coming from your own father. Anyways. when i Hit 14 i started my Piread Somthink didnt fill right. I stared growing breast and Hated it. It didnt fill right, Thats when i Really new i wanted to be a boy... I was dressing like a boy everyday. thats what i was. People thought i was a boy. But i now i wasnt. When my bresed started getting bigger I cryed every time i saw them. I wear XL t shirts to cover them and I stoped going swimming. Was odd for me as i loved it as a kid, Thats one thing i would Love to do is take my little sister and my nephuws swimming. or to the beach or even to were a vest when i take the bins out, Small things like that. But right now i cant. when i was 12 i started pretending i was a boy in my room.. At 15 i found out i was attracted to girls. I was really confused cuz i was a hung eminem fan. But i relised i didnt like him i liked his lifestyle i wanted to be him... At 17 i found out about sex change but i never new that a female can become a male. I always thought a male could only become a female as it was more commen. I used to watch docs on Males becoming females altho its not the same i still related to it... Thats when i was like ok Im a man and need to find out about a sex change, well october 2007 I watched a doc on BBC3 "Danny Escaping my female body" i watched it when everone was in bed. The 1st time it was on i didnt take much notice but then it come on TV again. I watched it from beging to end in tears. I felt as if he was talking about me. My childhood but i guess we all fill like that, everyday after that, it was in my mind everytime i was a wake. all the time, I would be in a mood all day cuz my mind was so messed up... I saw m mum was getting more and more worred about me, I sat there d=night after night crying and trying to find a way to tell my mum, october 19th 2007 I wrote a letter to my mum. about all my filling and all my pain. I sat there crying for about hf an hr. 1am i went downstiars and my mum was on the sofa, i got a drink. and walked into the sitting room. then she asked me what was wrong i just cryed and told her everythink. right there. I told her i was very confused with my body and felt like a man. Then she just said Thank god iv been waiting for you to say that.. She was happy and sad. she was happy becuase she nows, that i now she there for me and that i can talk to her whatever the problum. And she was sad becuase i been going though this, she asked me things and i told her. after that we didnt really talk about it. My older sister really thought it was a fase. And keeped saying one day i be married to a man and have kids... I dont want to marry a man. And i dont like the thought of being pregnent. I would love kids, But i am a male in my mind and my heart and men cant have Baby. a couple of weeks ago today me and my mum were talking about life, We talked about my transgender Issuse. and we had a big talk. after i stoped crying. I told my mum my older sister gets me down when she says things like its a fase. My mum now it wasnt. and she told my sister that this was going to happen and its not a fase I love my older sister to death. shes everythink to me. we had a talk. and she told me she was scared for me. Not just for the things i will be putting myself though with docs and opps, But i have been bullyed all my life. and ass people are starting to exsept me dressing like this, shes scared i have it all over again.But im willing to deal with that. when me and my mother had a long talk. we talked about the basic stuff. Counsling and opps and docs. But she seem to be more scared in my love life... I am a vargin, and very much attracted to women. shes scared i never experence Sex. I have looked on sites and i now about the opp they will do to reconsruct a penis. But They dont talk about Sex. Of course it will not be the same as any other Man. But could i still have a sex life? I now its a odd Q. but i want to now about EVERYTHINK!... My mind is male al the way. but my mum and my sister both say a am very female with kids and people i have a gd heart. Im gd with kids, and i wouldnt hart anyone (unless i have too) Thats what still gets me confused it doesnt make it easyer when there spitting things out like that, It makes me think im make the wrong move, and maybe i will grow out of it... But i now i wont i now im a man in a womens body. I was a male name i want faceule hair and deep voice. i was a flate chest and a Penis. I was a family one day a wife and kids. I want what anyone wants. A life. I have sat in my room trying to make my brests smaller and i sit there crying with a knife to my reast, The only person who can say i am a FTM Is me. Not my mum My sister or anyon on here. I just want to now if my fillings are Right
Thanks HaZard
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(Sorry about the miss spelling)
