drug using support group member making me really uncomfortable

[Gracie Faise]

There is this crossdresser that goes to a support group of mine and I don't really like him :"/

It's not because he is a cross-dresser but it's because he has clearly done drugs a lot. The way he talks the way he looks the way he presents himself just screams drug use.

He is always coming to the support group and everyone is talking about appropriate gender related topics and he always talks about sex or getting into the adult film business or looking for some rat hole ->-bleeped-<- club or like yesterday he was wondering if it was a good idea to goto a public bathhouse (typically the ones that are open are just excuses to go have misc gay sex) to look for a "feminine looking gay male"


I feel bad for feeling dislike towards him because all transgendered people are welcome to the support group, but it's like, wtf? What could you possibly do to bring up my discomfort without looking like a total bitch or pissing other people off?

[Robin_p]

Patience, Love and Tolerance...PITY


I was in P-town last year for a conference and there was this drunk crossdresser of a train wreck. The people i was with started to make comments. I let them know maybe that person is hurting so bad that they need to be numb. Then i suggested AA to the person and left her alone to self-destruct.

I have stop going to most of my Transgendered support group because some won't get over themselves and move on with there live's.

I'm kinda Bias, I'm a friend of Bill W.

[lisagurl]

People attend support groups for help. Illegal drug use is a crime and the support group should treat it as such. Compassion is the best way to change peoples behavior.

[Mnemosyne]

I try to stay away from the self destructive types. It is okay to feel uncomfortable around this person; I think that many of us would.

[Annwyn]

The purpose of support groups is to discuss coping mechanisms how to deal with ->-bleeped-<-.

All too often these groups get seen as a, "hookup" place by people going there.  This dude sounds like he's looking for just that.

Then he abuses the system.  He takes it beyond ->-bleeped-<- and into drugs and sex.

He doesn't need a support group.  In fact just letting him go to that support group puts all of you at risk, either from him or his friends, or people who don't like him at want to get him, as often happens with drug addicts.

He needs a stable psychologist.  Either that, or he could just accept his fate and die at a ripe early age having destroyed his body and mind.  A little boohoo and then everyone would be happier.

The fact is we learn from people like him.  People that are so scared to face themselves that they turn to cheap, unrewarding methods of distraction and become so dissassociated from reality that they lose all sense of shame.  Any of us could have ended up like him just by a simple decision of thinking, "I'm different, that makes me a bad person." and becoming absorbed by that.

So what makes all of us different from ->-bleeped-<- prostitutes on the street?  It isn't fate, it isn't that they can't get a job.  It's that all of us actually want to BE something, so we care a lot about what we do and the effects of what we do.  We choose to battle it out the hard way to win our lifelong struggles instead of giving in to the cheap escapes from reality.  We all might be really different.  Some of us scowl at others and evne I tell people to lighten up all the time and am probably seen as reckless, but the fact is we ALL live in hell for a bit and embrace it... just for a little taste of heaven.

[tekla]

The outpouring of sympathy and support around here is pretty awesome at times I must say.

What, we are dealing with a transgender support group in Los Angeles California?  A state that is almost synonymous with drug use, and a place in that state that is the capitol of drunk stars getting busted for DUI and the cops then finding coke on them.  A place where the state has all but given up on the war on drugs, and the selling of marijuana is legal and has neighborhoods where its not just a liquor store on every corner, its that every store is a liquor store?  That LA?

The LA of Brittany Spears and Mel Gibson, of Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton, of  Jim Morrison, Errol Flynn and Fatty Arbuckle - that LA?  And you found a person with a drug problem there?  Gosh, I'm shocked.

And transgender persons have a much higher rate of abuse/self-medication than the rest of the population, and have very few resources for dealing with it as a transgender person.

I would think you could try to reach out and help this person before they destroy themselves, or you could at least show some compassion.

[Sarah Louise]

If this person is currently using drugs (not refering to hrt), then they need help that your current group is not in a position to give. 

If they are continually disrupting the group with inappropriate references to sex, it is up to who ever is leading the group to deal with this person and bring the subject back on track.

If the person is an ex-drug user, then you should make all efforts to support them.

It doesn't make any difference where this support group is, California or timbuktoo.  These are my personal opinions.


Sarah L.

[MaggieB]

I'm not a therapist and can only speculate on this person but if he/she see identifies as a CDer then on that basis alone the group is not really going to fit. Our local TS support group is run by a therapist and he screens people for a full hour session to ascertain that the person who wants to attend is not a ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- and is really seeking help. We have had people who were questioning their gender identity including a college student so a nailed down TS label is not required. On one session, we did have a person who indicated he was trans oriented but when the therapist called us Ladies, he was offended and we spent half the session dealing with his belief that gender doesn't exist. I was so put off by the stress of it that I didn't want to return at the next meeting. This is the danger of disruptive members. They can drive others away.

What I am saying is that not every group can accept every person and it seems like this person is not a fit for the group.  If there is a person that is so far apart from the group membership that he/she causes a disruption or monopolizes the group discussion, I say he/she needs a different group or one on one counseling.

Maggie

[NicholeW.]

Most support groups operate under the principle of "what is said here, stays here." In that regard Lisa's recommendation is absolutely NOT a good one.

You are making a presumption from some things you see about the person and hear them say that they are an addict, or heavy user. As tekla said, in this grouping that is not an unusual occurrence.

I've been in merely two support groups: one was TG and the other, through the services of a private practice, was TS only, men (a few) and women (most.) Some people did talk about their drug use,  for some it was current and for some it was being treated through AA, which also has some problems for many people who abuse substances. I respect those who've changed their lives through AA, but that direction isn't for everyone and for some does more harm than good.

(And no, that doesn't mean those who are not into it are "in denial." Just that the nuances of their usage: sexual abuse, mental illness, transsexuality or ->-bleeped-<-, to name a few, are not comfortably dealt with in the majority of AA mtgs by the other participants. Some groups, for instance, totally reject gender-identity, just like many other cisgendered people they cannot get their minds around it. "Gay" AA groups very often can be very understanding about sexual-orientation and it's difficulties with substance use, but are not so open to transgendered people, to include "masculine" women and "femmie" men. At many meetings I've attended when something like any of those topics gets brought up there have been rather forceful recommendations to "take it elsewhere, that has nothing to do with your drinking. It's just another excuse." )

So, the world is filled with a range of people who try ranges of coping mechanisms to alleviate their pain. One size, whether in transsexuality, ->-bleeped-<- or human being does not fit all!

Given both of the support groups I attended when I became uncomfortable with both, I quit going. That was a very good solution, seems like to me. I was the one who was uncomfortable or felt like I was not being helped by those groups. Rather than demanding that they change to suit me, I changed to suit my own desire and feelings. That's another pretty fair rule-of-thumb, imo. It's my problem when I feel uncomfortable with someone, not theirs. I'm the one that needs to make the changes if I am going to remain in that group.

Nichole

[tekla]

There are a lot of differing types of support groups, some that are really group therapy under another name, some far more social in construction.  The oldest TG support group in the Bay Area, TGSF, (formerly, ETVC) meet for years, and years, and decades even in places that were restaurant/bars.  Drinking was almost a prerequisite.  So you would have to being with some sort of mission statement for the group as a whole, rules might be in order, if order is being disrupted (assuming that order is something that people want, not all do).

Second, the list of appropriate topics may, or may not exist.  If it does, tell the person they are off topic.  If not, then just being uncomfortable with the issues raised does not make it wrong per se.  Could you not bring it up for some sort of group consensus?

[Ell]

The outpouring of sympathy and support around here is pretty awesome at times I must say.

What, we are dealing with a transgender support group in Los Angeles California?  A state that is almost synonymous with drug use, and a place in that state that is the capitol of drunk stars getting busted for DUI and the cops then finding coke on them.  A place where the state has all but given up on the war on drugs, and the selling of marijuana is legal and has neighborhoods where its not just a liquor store on every corner, its that every store is a liquor store?  That LA?

The LA of Brittany Spears and Mel Gibson, of Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton, of  Jim Morrison, Errol Flynn and Fatty Arbuckle - that LA?  And you found a person with a drug problem there?  Gosh, I'm shocked.

And transgender persons have a much higher rate of abuse/self-medication than the rest of the population, and have very few resources for dealing with it as a transgender person.

I would think you could try to reach out and help this person before they destroy themselves, or you could at least show some compassion.

you compassionate Lil' thang, you.

[Gracie Faise]

The outpouring of sympathy and support around here is pretty awesome at times I must say.

What, we are dealing with a transgender support group in Los Angeles California?  A state that is almost synonymous with drug use, and a place in that state that is the capitol of drunk stars getting busted for DUI and the cops then finding coke on them.  A place where the state has all but given up on the war on drugs, and the selling of marijuana is legal and has neighborhoods where its not just a liquor store on every corner, its that every store is a liquor store?  That LA?

The LA of Brittany Spears and Mel Gibson, of Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton, of  Jim Morrison, Errol Flynn and Fatty Arbuckle - that LA?  And you found a person with a drug problem there?  Gosh, I'm shocked.

And transgender persons have a much higher rate of abuse/self-medication than the rest of the population, and have very few resources for dealing with it as a transgender person.

I would think you could try to reach out and help this person before they destroy themselves, or you could at least show some compassion.

It's San Diego, not LA.

And if you saw the person, you'd know they're already destroyed. They're 30-something and clearly have been using drugs for years as the person's motor skills are going down the tubes and whenever they speak it is very hard to follow their thought patterns.


Actually I found out recently from some other members that this person has been kicked out from the other trans groups in the city and even other trans groups from the same GBLT center because they're not there for support, just looking to "hook up".

[tekla]

Well, not much for LA.  But for people with drug problems yes.  Hell, if it wasn't for people with drug problems, or former drug problems, I wouldn't have any friends at all, not much of a career either.

[vanna]

as a thirty something transsexual that was a drug abuser for many years i would still like to think compassion and tolerance is still the best approach too.

Im sure they wont be solving their drug issues there but thats not why they are at that group right? every problem has its place and its own group and its own set of issues.

[Gracie Faise]

Well, not much for LA.  But for people with drug problems yes.  Hell, if it wasn't for people with drug problems, or former drug problems, I wouldn't have any friends at all, not much of a career either.

Thats a little sad, actually

[tekla]

Perhaps for them, worked out well for me.  I got to do all that stuff in the beginning because I was the non-stoned person, so I actually got it done.  That and I always though that pot was just a tool to make boredom OK, and looked at boredom in a different way.

[Ell]

I always thought that pot was just a tool to make boredom OK, and looked at boredom in a different way.

how did you look at it?

[NicholeW.]

Why am I a bit concerned, ellie, that you'll get a response to that!?

[Ell]

Why am I a bit concerned, ellie, that you'll get a response to that!?

am i wrong to be expecting one?

[Annwyn]

Actually I found out recently from some other members that this person has been kicked out from the other trans groups in the city and even other trans groups from the same GBLT center because they're not there for support, just looking to "hook up".

Isn't that what I just said?:-p

The bathhouse and the, "feminine guy" thing kinda gave it away.