gaining an accomplice worth coming out to someone for?

[Yip]

My situation right now, not out to anyone.  I have my parents my sister and my best friend.
I personally plan not to come out until I cant hide it and they basically ask me what's going on here
Or I blurt it out with a nice fraudian slip.

But now the time is approaching when I'll need to visit a gender therapist sometime in
the coming months i'm looking forward a great deal to finally having someone face to face
try to help me.  But I have a problem. 

I'm in a small town live closely with family, and I'm not known for going anywhere without
someone knowing what i'm doing and worse still I rarely go anywhere alone.

So I need to be able to start doing things like going to Sydney for the talk's and maybe
even meeting people for the first time who are the same.  But this is very not me
it'll attract attension, questions (How was the movie?)
i'm a bad liar and an even worse one when its to my own family.

So i'm beginning to think no matter how badly I want to keep this to myself I'm going to have
to let someone in , someone who can cover my reasons for poping out of town.
My best friend is probably the best choice I can think of, its not uncommon for us to
go places and mess around.

So is the risk of coming out alot earlier then wished worth it if that gain's someone
who will help you do whats needed to do in the long run. Or is it still better to
just work harder at wearing the mask until I cant possibly keep it on anymore.

Pro's

gain an accomplice
someone I can talk to about it here finally
Knowing I have someone who knows

con's

Blows up in face
friend lost
pray others dont find out if it go's really bad

I might add I would be really REALLY surprised if my friend took it really badly
His a once in a lifetime friend, friends since kids, i'm 29 now his turning 30.
We've gone to school together, we've worked in the same company (he was
even my boss for a time (most awesome boss EVER!).
I would put my life on the line for my friend and do think he would do the same.

Also one of our own friends basically came out as gay, I knew all along
and wasnt surprised but on watching him find out he didnt bat an eyelid
and they are still the same as always now.

[Imadique]

I'd say it's worth opening up to someone for the huge weight off your shoulders, also it may be the case that your friend would be very happy to know why you are the way you are. I know in my case when I told my two best friends they were certainly very glad to know, and they'd found my extreme resistance to personal questions very frustrating...we certainly have a closer relationship now that everything's in the open.

Anyways, I reckon go for it but if you do want to keep going the secrecy route do you know the Gender Centre in Petersham has a free counseling service and support groups and things?

http://www.gendercentre.org.au/

[Yip]

Yes I'm really debating on telling him , infact i'm finding i cant help kinda touching the subject
every so often (jokes references anything) just to see what happens.
Having someone on my side would be a great thing if it works out.

lately I have been looking around so far I was looking at the gender centre , anyone else know others?.

[DeValInDisguise]

For me actually telling someone was such a huge relief.  I didn't put any thought into who I told first - I sort of blurted it out to myself as much to her.  But she was so supportive, and just having someone say "Hey, it's okay" helps so much.  Plus, having that accomplice to "drag" you places is great cover.

Val

[Yip]

Yeah I need help making excuses for leaving town etc, I never EVER go anywhere
serious alone i'm ALWAYS with friends or someone, so you can see me suddenly poping
off alone is going to make people ask questions. I'm actually going to start doing that
a little bit also and slowly make family and friends and others get used to it a little.

My biggest fear is, I cant take it back... I CANT TAKE IT BACK!!.

Actually thinking about it i'm finding its going to be really hard for me to directly say it???
that sound weird?.  I cant directly say it, I virtually have to tell him i've got something
i've hidden about me but I just cant actually say it (Actually I almost did yesterday
and kinda backed out again after saying theres something he doesnt know about me
noone knows and I backed out right after that). I have a need to be "caught"
to be able to say it....  its crazy but its tearing me up every time I go this is it
say it say it!!.

haha do I need cheat and drink him under the table so I can tell and see his reaction
without him remembering??lol..

I'm gona try again in an hour or so, When I actually try to do it I cant help but thinking

"this is not real this is not real this is not happening" its surreal how can something like
this be real how !! Gut wrenching thing to do, of all things to tell a friend.
I'd rather tell him i've run over his cat with my car then, i'm actually a woman inside...

update

I chickened out yeap... couldnt do it, I cant get over the feeling its not happening
its surreal whenever i'm face to face with someone, even then how do you say it?.

If I go the  listen i've been dealing with a problem all my life route, i'll be a incoherant
sobbing mess within 10 seconds because its all just going to pour out.

If I do the just say it quickly get it out and talk more after that route,

friend "Hey new boxed set wanna watch some?"
me "hey nice sure!,.... I may be having a sex-change,.. "
friend " want a drink .....   waaaaaaht?"

Option 2 easier to blurt out and attractive once in a lifetime shock value but then have "your joking factor"

[Imadique]

Actually thinking about it i'm finding its going to be really hard for me to directly say it???
that sound weird?.  I cant directly say it, I virtually have to tell him i've got something
i've hidden about me but I just cant actually say it (Actually I almost did yesterday
and kinda backed out again after saying theres something he doesnt know about me
noone knows and I backed out right after that). I have a need to be "caught"
to be able to say it....  its crazy but its tearing me up every time I go this is it
say it say it!!.

Makes perfect sense to me, I had the same problem with the first two people I told (two best friends).

Friend #1 was rolling drunk at the time and I said "If there was something about someone you knew that would dramatically change the way you thought of them, would you want to know about it?"

I wouldn't recommend that one because she was just intensely confused at first, then as she sobered up she began to assume I'd done something really bad (She actually asked "did you kill someone?") and that's what I was trying to tell her. So I gave up on that first attempt, then met her for lunch the next day and just came straight out with it, and her reply was "why didn't you just say that??", and she also said it doesn't change what she thinks of me 

With Friend #2 I tried to be a bit more upfront about it, but unfortunately we'd just been watching Jekyll so I had the bright idea of leading into the conversation with that - something along the lines of having a two sided personality...not surprisingly  she also thought I was a murderer and about to do something nasty. So after an hour of dodging the point and Heidi getting more and more worried she got the truth out of me too.

So yeah, it is hard to say it at first, but after the first few people who I really cared about it became harder to stop telling people 

[Yip]

Yeah i've been working myself up today, trying to build the courage, will
have another attempt in a few hours. I'm thinking of how I can start this.

I'm thinking maybe I could tell him without actually telling him.
Basically tell him that I have a disorder thats been crippling me all
my life, that its gotten to the point where I need to see someone
about it because i'm reaching the point where I dont want to live
with it anymore.

That I need his help to help myself since I dont want my family
to know about it for now.

If i'm lucky, this will let me actually say it and I wont be a crying
incoherant mess or if I cant finish and say it all it will be enough to
get his curiousity going and knowing him he'll not stop until his gotten to the truth
which is exactly what I may need someone to do, to say it.

So your saying it should get easier once I get past this first time?.
if it works out and his ok with it  oh my god!!, if he actually knew or
suspected I dont know wether to be happy (since he didnt change
how he acted around me) or punch him for letting me sweat on this
for so long!!!.


if this go's bad thinking about it i probably have nothing left
to live for so i'll just out with the parents and if they dont back
me either well thats that.

[sarahb]

When I told my best friend, he totally surprised me by saying that he had already know for a good 2 years or so. Initially I had told another really good friend of mine, only to find out that she told him behind my back immediately after. So for the prior 2 or so years he had known, yet never confronted me about it or gave me any problems about it. He treated me the same, was still as good of a friend as ever, and became even more of a friend after I told him...er...found out he knew, lol. I was so nervous coming out to him because the thought of losing him was in some ways more terrifying than losing certain family members, yet in the end my fear was unneeded.

Now being 8 months into being full time, nothing has changed in our friendship, and has most likely strengthened if anything.

Moral of the story? People's reactions are rarely what you expect them to be, and in my case they always turned out to be better than I expected.

On the subject of an "accomplice" I would say that if you are comfortable coming out to this person and think that they will take it well than yes, an accomplice couldn't hurt. My sister was one of the first I told, and after I told her I felt so relieved to have someone to talk to, someone to back me up with stories when I needed them, etc.

[Yip]

Well I did have a chat, I went over and watched some dvd's and chatted.
I ended up doing what I thought I would just discribe that i've got a problem
that I need to see a therapist over it. That I need him to help me cover
that so my family doesnt know.

OK I chickened out, I couldnt tell him what it was exactly,

This friend is my anchor, his my one point of normal in my insane world,
and his messed up too his had a horrible childhood, in his own way his hurt as badly inside
as me and thats prob why his my best friend we are both in great pain.
But I couldnt bare the thought that I could lose that person and even
if he does accept I dread seeing my friends eye's and knowing something did change???...


I do feel better at least telling someone I had a problem that it was
a bad one that I need help. I'm going to open up fully to my friend
one day but I cant seem to do it in one go. I'm going to try and let
him in a little bit more over time. But i'm beginning to think that I cant
really let him in until i've seen the therapist.

I'm thinking about what the hell to tell him next... everything
I could hint too is a massive understatement frankly. I'm also
worried about who I will become, I'm going to change over time
It might be just confidence and mood, it could be extreme I
could stop being who I am now completely... That worries me
too, I wonder if I will become a stranger to him?.

I really dont know how far I will go, how far i'm going to change
I'm trying to tell him this personality side of things but i'm seriously
glossing over that other bit...  the bit he may pickup on someday..

(wonder how observant he is?)

well either way my basic goal of an accomplice is successful!!.
I may have depressed him though...  I didnt realise I may be
"dumping" this onto him, I maybe didnt point out that I want this
change in me to happen I better do that.

[sarahb]

I'm glad you were able to at least tell him that much. It's a start. Go only as fast as you can, don't rush things, it will all happen eventually but the pace at which you go is totally up to you and your comfort level. Here's to the future!