do you think I can pass type questions

[gothique11]

I think it's very hard, and difficult when someone goes up to me and asks, "Do you think I can pass?" type of questions. I think it's difficult for most people to be put on the spot like that.

Over the last year, I've seen this question lots. I've had people email me this question. And I've hand may local trans ppl ask me the same question.

This is something I've pondered about every time someone asks me this -- and I never really know what to say, because the truth is that I can't answer that and I'm not sure if anyone can, except yourself.

What is "passing" anyway?

I know the literal term -- but really, what is the psychological drive. To live up to someone's real or imagined expectations? And who is that? Yourself? The world around you?

I've looked in the mirror thousands of times and thought, "Gawd, I look awful -- there's no way that I can pass." Yet, I walk out that door, I go to work, and I get ma'am all day. At the start of my transition, naturally and expectantly, I'd get a sir or the question "are you a boy or a girl?" But over time, that happened less and less. There would be days, weeks, months with ma'am until one person would go sir.  *BOOM!* my world would end there.

I'd sit up for days, wondering where I went wrong, analyzing myself over and over -- looking the the mirror and picking part every flaw until I was beaten. I wasted a lot of time when that happened. But why? Why did I care what one person -- who in the whole life of things is less then a blip -- affect me so much?

The most valued piece of advice I got when I was starting out was this: Just be yourself and don't care what others think. Be happy with you.

Easier said than done, but a valuable trait to obtain.

I realized this: the more I focused on passing/not passing the less happier I was, the more fake I felt, and the more I felt as if I was failing. As I focused on "passing" I ended up living in fear.

It took a long time -- and I'm still working on this -- is to be myself and be happy with who I am. Yes, I have flaws -- and so does everyone else. A lot of people aren't able to point out those flaws that I see. Sometimes I think that focusing too much on the flaws is a type of psychological anorexia. Ever notice that an anorexic person will complain about how fat they are, yet the world sees them as skin and bones? Ever notice how much a transexual says they don't pass, when the world sees them differently?

Now, before I get ahead of myself there's one thing I want to mention. SRS and FFS is fine. I had my SRS and I'm very happy. SRS for me was about feeling complete. I don't feel that I need FFS at at this time I've opted out of it; but I also understand and respect those who feel that they need it to feel complete. The surgeries bring a sense of zen to their soul. I also respect those who are non-op and go that direction, as that's a valid option as anything.

Surgeries can help you be happy with who you are; but they do not make you. Only you make you and only you decide if you're going to be yourself and be happy and go forward -- or live in fear, self-hatred, and self-destruction. Surgery isn't the cure for those, but rather surgery is the manifestation of who you are and accepting who you are inside.

Passing isn't self acceptance. It's seeking self-acceptance from the outside world. And you can never rely on the outside world to make you happy. Happiness comes from with in.

One of my friends I was talking to the other day said, "Do I pass or not? I really don't care. Why should I? Why would I let someone else decide who I am when I already know who I am? I just be myself, be happy, and that's been the secret to my success in life."  My friend is 6'3", and one could pick out masculine parts in her and claim she doesn't pass, etc -- but I've never seen a more confident and happier person in the local community as I have with this woman. She's post op, and has been doing this for 7-8 years.

She as an amazing woman. And you know what, when people see her they see the confidence first. They see her happiness. They see her as the woman she really is despite any handicaps one might perceive.

And then I see the other women in the community struggling, constantly using this excuse and the next excuse to beat themselves to the ground. And why? Id doesn't make you happy. And it certainly doesn't help your transition one iota -- often it hinders it as it asks as an excuse not to go forward. Transition is about being yourself, it's not about passing or not passing.

Those who so call "pass" in the worlds eyes pass because passing isn't their focus. They pass because they are who they are and let that shine to the world. People notice when you're confident and see that and don't question you. But when you aren't confident, people also see that and they'll also look for those flaws as well.

Now, there is a certain level of self-respect that comes with being yourself and being happy with yourself. Being yourself doesn't mean you throw on grandma's clothes, go out with facial hair, and unzip your pants to have Mr. Ugly hang out. If you love yourself, you'll go out and find clothes and show that, you'll get electro/laser, and you'll be pretty in your own way. Surgery is also about self-love and being yourself (if that is the route you choose) because you are just being who you are.

So, the opposite extreme of not taking care of yourself isn't a manifestation of self-acceptance or self-love.

When you accept who you are, the rest follows in other words. You'll find clothing styles that fit you and your personality. You'll get ma'amed more often, and not let the odd sir's get you down. You'll find that you'll feel free and actually enjoy life and the transition process. Things will be smoother. You will do your transition for you. You will do your surgeries for you. And you'll be the happier for it.

You won't have to constantly rely on someone else view point (as it will always disappoint in the end). You won't have to spend time worrying. And you won't have to stumble as much. You can actually start on the road, be yourself, and fight for you. You'll be much stronger in the end.

Anyway, this is my thoughts on this and I'm basically just thinking out loud as I'm processing all of this even for myself. Transition is a journey, so someone doesn't automatically accept themselves 100% all of the time. I still second guess myself sometimes. I look in the mirror and catch myself picking at my flaws or finding ways to get acceptance/reassurance from others. It's normal, it's natural, and I recognize that I'm not perfect. It's about being aware of it.

Are you aware why you are asking if you pass? Why are you asking really? Is it assurance? Is it hopes that someone will tear you down and feed your self-loathing? Why not just be, and enjoy the ride. It's about being aware, and letting that awareness take you somewhere. It's not about me changing anyone or saying that one should do it this way or that... that's a journey you make on your own.

--natalie

PS For fun, here's my "before" picture. I could only imagine if I started asking pre-everything if I was going to "pass" or not... that'd be a very difficult and unfair position to put anyone into... and mostly unfair to myself in the end, actually.

July 2004



July 2008

[Keira]

Although, the be yourself motto seems sane, its actually trite in my opinion,
because we haven't been socialized as a women, at being ourselves will
make us seem like odd disfunctional ducks that "don't pass".

Passing is not just about looks.

Often, because of our issues, we are under socialized, even as men,
so being ourselves, would not even work that well at the human level.

I think that although we change somewhat physically, its more how we
act, that gets us to pass, its a package deal. As we socialize as human,
as a women, we feel more comfortable with expressing who we are. The
communication floodgates are open.

[Chrissty]

Hi Natalie,

Thank you for for a thought provoking and detailed post.

While I also have to accept that Keira is ultimately right
about the "package deal", what you suggest will clearly
work, but for some of us better than others.

You look great



Chrissty

[Mnemosyne]

Natalie-- you nailed it. However, I think most of us go through the phase of "do/can I pass?" It is a form of survival instinct because, if we pass, then it means less harassment and perhaps even more understanding from others we come out to and it can also lead, as you have mentioned before and many of us have experienced, to more troubles. Anyone who has been at this awhile though ends up pretty much where you are right now with the who cares, I am enjoying life attitude.

[sneakersjay]

Thanks for that!

At first I felt that way and was crushed when I was ma'am'd.  Now I don't care if I pass and I'm just myself.  I went into Lowes yesterday, totally confident in myself.  I didn't get sir'd or ma'am'd but it doesn't matter.  The fact that I was confident is key.  It used to be when I went anywhere, esp. stores, I felt incompetent and uncomfortable, as if everyone was staring at me and judging me; that's how uncomfortable I was in my own skin.  I felt ugly.  The social anxiety at times was almost paralyzing.

I'll take comfort and confidence any day, passing or not. 

Jay

[NicholeW.]

At some point, as I think you've shown pretty well, Natalie, it becomes simply a non-starter. You darn well know ya do and just never think about it anymore.

Early on it helps to hear it: yet another one of those things I am certain that our friends and loved ones get tired of hearing in that first year or two when it seems to be "invariably always about me, me, me."

IMO, if you're not there after a year or two and haven't already, ya better be scheduling a surgery or a number of surgeries with Dr. S, O, or Z, or with some other plastic surgeon or body sculptor, if that's what you're after, passing that is.

Nichole

[gothique11]

Although, the be yourself motto seems sane, its actually trite in my opinion,
because we haven't been socialized as a women, at being ourselves will
make us seem like odd disfunctional ducks that "don't pass".

Passing is not just about looks.

Often, because of our issues, we are under socialized, even as men,
so being ourselves, would not even work that well at the human level.

I think that although we change somewhat physically, its more how we
act, that gets us to pass, its a package deal. As we socialize as human,
as a women, we feel more comfortable with expressing who we are. The
communication floodgates are open.

Hi Natalie,

Thank you for for a thought provoking and detailed post.

While I also have to accept that Keira is ultimately right
about the "package deal", what you suggest will clearly
work, but for some of us better than others.

You look great



Chrissty

Well, of course, it's in there somewhere; being yourself means working at being yourself as well (as I mentioned, surgery, etc is part of that). Otherwise, yes, if someone just ran around saying "I'm being myself / loving myself" and did nothing about it -- is that really loving yourself or allowing you to be yourself? Or is it a form of self-degradation? You have to be the rock in your life, not external factors (imagined or not), to get through transition and beyond. But being yourself also means work and meaning that you transition for you -- not for the approval and acceptance of others -- but for you. And if you're going to be yourself, you're going to be yourself to your best ability.


*hugs* natalie

[Aiden]

Thanks   I'm just a beginner, and I admit I do worry about passing, though know I don't to well right now becuase I still haven't done anything besides dress more masculine than used to.  Still waiting for stuff in mail.

But it is good to be reminded to still be yourself, I only wish it was easy, as being taught how to be a woman can effect how you exist as a man.  I consider myself a Transman, and admit though was offended on here once because I was told I sounded like an androgyne.  I have nothing against Androgynes (don;t missunderstand)  I just don't feel I am one.  So, I don't fit the traditional male ideas, but there are many Genetic men who don't.

I'm caring and passionate, I am a wear emotions on sleeve person.  But does that make me any less a man?  If anything there probably women who would want a man like that LOL  My father was a sensitive genetic male when he was younger.  I only hope that when I work past it that I will not be a stiff and dull as he can be   LOL

[nathan]

Excellent post, Natalie! My jaw hit the floor when I saw the 2004 pic. What an incredible transformation.

Could we maybe get this sticky'd please?

[NicholeW.]

Excellent idea, Nathan. Done.

Nichole

[nathan]

Yay! Thanks Nichole!

[Alyssa M.]

At some point, as I think you've shown pretty well, Natalie, it becomes simply a non-starter. You darn well know ya do and just never think about it anymore.

This reminds me of the meme, "The Game," whose rules are:

(1) You start playing when you become aware of "The Game."
(2) You lose every time you think of "The Game." (But you always have an extra life.)
(3) When you lose you have to tell everyone you lost.

Haha, you all lose. So do I.



The only way to win "The Game" is to forget about it completely. Much like passing, I suppose.

~Alyssa

(Who can't pass. But who can deal with that. For now.)





p.s.: To win "The Game," you can also just follow this link to an xkcd comic strip, which is how I became aware of it in the first place.

[deviousxen]

I lost the game.... Bastards....


But yeah.

The thoughts you gave on anorexia being similar to seeing all the flaws is interesting... Its kind of a been something for me lately I suppose. I'm utterly unthrilled and often very disgusted by my body when I see it, but my friends have been telling me more and more that I'm looking more feminine and asking if I plan on going full time sometime this year. It kinda terrifies me, but It means a lot coming from them. You make some really good points in that. I'm very often TL;DR cause someones post is like ridiculous, but you kept my attention...

Oh and btw... Caring about passing or not, you look amazing in that picture.

[Aiden]

I already know I don't pass... not sure what else can do though that is not beyound who I am.  Though admit have changed just slight things I do habitually such as crossing my ankles and try to be careful my voice doesn't go shrill grr

Probably would help if I could be myself without worrying about what others think.  I still to afraid to pack outside my home.  Doesn;t help there is to many people who have seen me as a female and/or know who I am.

[Jeannie_R]

I WOULD WORRY ABOUT PASSING ALSO.I WOULD CONSIDER MYSELF VERY PASSABLE BUT I STILL HAD DAYS WHERE I WOULD FEEL LIKE I MIGHT GET CLOCKED LEFT AND RIGHT. I LEARNED NOT TO CARE ANYMORE. I LEARNED TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I AM A WOMAN REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS. 

[deviousxen]

Cap locks is cruise control for win.

[iFindMeHere]

Cap locks is cruise control for win.

[deviousxen]

Cap locks is cruise control for win.

Actually...

I was wrong. AIDs is not win... AIDs is kinda bad.

[iFindMeHere]

Cap locks is cruise control for win.

Actually...

I was wrong. AIDs is not win... AIDs is kinda bad.

...wait, what?

[Kim6]

For a while I was convinced that I passed quite well and I simply needed to avoid people from my past.

More recently I feel I do not pass, in fact recently when ma'amed at a grocery store I was shocked, shocked that the checker perceived me to be female.  Passibility issues are so destructive to who we are (I think it is safe to make that statement, not just for myself but for others also).

I have been full-time for four + years and I have had sex with men who never knew about my TS past and who still don't know but in the last year or so my self confidence has flat-lined and it always felt like a job before as in, "Everything always had to be just right." In order for me to be able to pass.

And it seems like I am yet able to pass in casual circumstances but I am self employed and have no social life or friends or anyone..  In fact sometimes my phone will go several weeks without ringing and then it is either a customer or my Mother.  I feel like my life is almost over and I am still preparing to have a life, somewhere in the future, in the distance..  An idea at best.