The Challenge to a Wife

[Gill]

Hi Everyone:

This article was recently brought to my attention.  It describes (in my opinion) a lot of what SO's experience not only while the spouses transition but their own transition as well.  The writer was extremely honest in her experiences and feelings.

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

This article is not only meant for SO's but for everyone.

Gill



Moderator's Edit: This original post from 2006 contains a link that is dead. However, the link led to an article that is now archived. Please use the following link instead of the one above.

http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

[Chaunte]

Gill,

Wow.....!  This is a great article.

Since coming out, I have seen my SO enter a couple of the steps described in the article.  Just dealing with the idea of my transgenderism has been a blow to her self confidence and womanhood.  I am trying to go at a rowboat pace even though I will be trastioning alone. 

Chaunte

[HelenW]

Thank you, Gill. for pointing to this site.    I learned and realized (and confirmed) many things from just this one article.  I'll be printing it out for my wife to read, if she feels like it.  I think it will do both of us some good if she does.

helen

[Jodi]

Gill-

Thank you very much for pointing out the article.  The article is timely and puts into words what has and is happening in out lives.

Thank you

Jodi

[Peggiann]

Oh yes Gill,
I had read this a while back to and it was very much the things some of us feel and go through. I have visited with others in chat and they all share so many on the same range of feelings. Thanks for posting it here. It 's a very good article.

Thanks again.
Smiles,
Peggiann

[Robyn]

This article was written by a friend of ours from ElderTG.  She was in a panic when she arrived in our newslist for elders about 6 years ago.  Her husband since transitioned on the job and had SRS in Montreal almost 2 years ago.  She - the wife - survived, as has their marriage, and she went on to help other wives in the same situation. 

Robyn

[lordloveaduck]

thank you also Gill, in the 9 months since the operation, I have never read anything that described how i felt to a T!!   There were so many things in that article that i felt but could not express and it made it clearer to me. This site in two days has helped me more than anything has in the whole two years since i knew that my "hubby" was going to transition!  on top of which i kept saying that i could never find any one who"stayed" after the surgery. and well look at this there are a whole group of you who did!   It warms my heart, it really does.

[lordloveaduck]

How i look at it  was like this, I'm not special "She " is , i'm just me and that is part of me, taking care of someone! now if i could take care of myself and get over feeling sad because of the transition that would be the easy part!LOL  but really, if you had a good marriage to start with, why not afterwards?

It was scary for me in the whole process to see how many wives did not stay . I still remember the night of Alicia's surgery and her roomate was on the phone pleading with her wife( who did not come for the surgery) to give it a try.That poor person all alone in a strange country, having the biggest thing in her life done and it should have been a happy time, not one to be pleading your case to your wife. That stayed in my heart. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that someone did care and was proud of her that she was doing this for herself.

still makes me cry.  I'm not saying i was always good or happy about the transition i had my moments and still do occasionally. Throw a person who is just going in to menopause , in with a person who is taking hormones and is the same age acting like they are in puberty and it can cause some problems!! LOL

[Dennis]

Loveaduck, I think you are an amazing woman. And you have a true love. A love that sees the person inside. My partner dumped me 15 minutes after telling her I was thinking about transition, which has always struck me as indicating a completely shallow love.

I know it is hard for a partner and I wouldn't blame a partner for not being able to stick it out. After all, it's not exactly what they signed up for. But 15 minutes isn't exactly giving it a shot.

Those who do give it a shot, even if they don't make it the whole way through, seem to me to be the people who really understand what love is. And that comment is for Gill, Pam, Amy, Peggiann, and all of those SO's who have stuck with their partners.

My hat is off to you.

Dennis

[Melissa]

How i look at it  was like this, I'm not special "She " is , i'm just me and that is part of me, taking care of someone!

What do you mean you are not special and she is?  Although I think everyone is special in their own ways, I personally don't think being TS means I'm special.  I don't want special treatment. I just want to move past this and get on with life.  This is just a part of who I am.  However, I believe I am special if you take a more humanistic approach.  I try to be caring and compassionate and many other things where gender is not even a factor.  I believe you are doing the same.

Melissa

[lordloveaduck]

what i meant was, i feel "she" is special because of all the turmoil and surgery etc that she had to go through in order to be herself.  I feel she is very special because of that. Sometimes i feel still that my role was somewhat inadequate.  But this is only me... I agree Melissa that we just want to live our lives and go on as best we can. Seeing my husband transition into a very beautiful women was very good , but hard on my esteem.  I think a lot of wives feel this and we have to learn that we too are important in this role.

[Melissa]

Try to think of it this way.  Transitioning from one sex to the other is more than just a transition of the sexes.  It is a life transition.  Almost every aspect of life will change and this not only goes for the transsexual, but also her spouse.  Life is full of transitions - some bigger than others - and this is just another of many that are to come.  Many people expect to have certain transitions - changing jobs, having kids, marriage, etc. - in life, but there are other transitions that come unexpectedly like a child dying or somebody finding out they have cancer and I think it takes an equal amount of strength and resolve to be able to make it through those as well.  Even though her physical transition is now complete, that doesn't mean the transition is over.  Heck, it may end up being lifelong and you are still feeling the shockwaves from it.  You have been there throughout her difficult portion of the transition, and now it is her turn to reciprocate.  I'm not sure if you are seeing a therapist right now, but I would highly recommend it if nothing besides to give you a neutral ear to listen.

Melissa

[Gill]

Those who do give it a shot, even if they don't make it the whole way through, seem to me to be the people who really understand what love is. And that comment is for Gill, Pam, Amy, Peggiann, and all of those SO's who have stuck with their partners.

My hat is off to you.

Dennis

Thanks Dennis:

What I try to explain to people and friends is about support.  No one, absolutely no one can guarantee whether they will be together today, tomorrow, next week or next year.  But together or not I will support Steph through this no matter what.  40 years of togetherness does count for something.  It is so hard when we measure ourselves through the eyes of others, it's hard not to do that.  Getting through that is so damn hard, it is just ingrained into us from birth.  At times I still have to work at that, but where I am today and where I was 5-10 years ago, both emotionally and physically seems like a lifetime ago.  We had a friend who isn't with us any longer who always said "You learn something new everyday, makes life worth living".  I always thought these were great words (thanks Johnny H)  and have often repeated them not only to myself but to others.  Transition is learning something new everyday, and learning something new everyday makes life worth living.....

Gill

[edit]Fixed quote tags[/edit]

[Sheila]

Robyn,
I thought that was who it was. It really looked liked her writing. When I came back to Eldertg I was wondering where she had gone as our lives really paralleled each others. I would certainly like to get hold of her and talk with her. I tried some of the addresses that she had and they bounced. Maybe you could send me directly her address.
Sheila


Posted at: July 28, 2006, 01:48:06 PMI will have to agree with the article. I know my wife and I have had the exact same things happened, no rocks or murders happened. We are still together and without the person who wrote that article, I don't think we would have made it. We talked about being patient and I'm glad I did. We, of course, don't have a "normal" relationship but it is a very loving one. We have both gone through some very intense life changing things in our life, not to mention the transition part. I could not have made it this far without my wife as she is my main pillar of life itself. Transitioning is rough all around and yes it is very difficult for the wife.
Sheila

[Gill]

Robyn,
I thought that was who it was. It really looked liked her writing. When I came back to Eldertg I was wondering where she had gone as our lives really paralleled each others. I would certainly like to get hold of her and talk with her. I tried some of the addresses that she had and they bounced. Maybe you could send me directly her address.
Sheila

Just a note to everyone.  I know this is a small community, but if you do know this person, please do not publish her name or personal information as this is what she has requested when she gave me permission to post this.  Thanks.

Gill

[Sheila]

Gill, You don't have to worry about confidentiality here. I would never repeat her name, unless she said it was OK. I'm very sure that Robyn wouldn't either. I have been in touch with her and we talked. It was lovely.
Sheila

[rhonda13000]

It was a terrible strain for both of us.

We married in 1997 and it was (is?) a 'marriage made in  heaven'.

Preceding that, I had unknowingly suffered hideously from high-intensity GID for over 30 years.

But in May of 2005, I finally understood what I was dealing with. Indeed, I told her that if I knew what I know now before we were married, we would never have married.

"I wouldn't have done that to you."

Not long ago whilst immersed in intense crying I said to her...oh God, I'm crying again..............

Oh crud, get a grip, girl........as you can see, I am still grieving over this....

...I told her that I saw us growing old together, the continuation of a dream come true--for both of us.

During transition, I would tell her that I would cease transitional progress after, for instance, initiating HRT. But then I would find myself  driven onward not a couple of days afterward.

This pattern repeated itself many times over and understandably, she assumed that I was just 'stringing her along'.

Well, things become apparent even through my hard head and I realized that trying to hold a stasis on my transition in the context of the merciless driving of my TS, was but an exercise in futility.

She eventually saw this too but what I think had eradicated any doubt in her mind as to how the TS was actually an irresistable DRIVING force was when the self-surgeries were executed.

Conversely, she also saw how much more joyful, more social and much more comfortable in social settings that I now was and generally much happier, now that I was transitioning into the true feminine.

I still get bitter that God in His omniscience, when he effortlessly could have interdicted our forming as a couple even before that process started, allowed she and I to marry when He knew that I would learn this about myself well after we were married.

He HAD to have had a reason. The fact that I am not cognizant of the why, is meaningless.

We're still together as I scribe these words and there is NO doubt that the love is still very strong between us, but what will transpire in our futures, is entirely unknown nor is it even open to speculation.

[Tay]

Reading that article, I feel incredibly blessed that I met Sophie when she was being up front about all the challenges she would face in life and in a place where she felt safe doing so.  Same with Err.  I can't imagine going through years of togetherness only to have my "girlfriend" and "fiancé" switch places and become my boyfriend and my fiancée.  I'm glad, on one hand, that I have never known this challenge--that of mourning a loss while supporting a loved one--but on the other hand, I feel badly that I have never known it and thus cannot fully understand what you go through.

I think that all of you are very brave people.  I admire all of you for the strength you lend each other and for the strength you lend your SOs.  I've not posted in the significant others forum before because, well, though I'm a significant other, I'm also an androgyne.  I'm not sure I belong.  *shrug*  I have, however, been reading and admiring all of you for your strength and the support you lend your SOs.  You're all amazing people and this seemed like a good place to tell you how much I admire you.

[lizaard]

I am so glad I discovered this site, this forum, and this article in particular. It is the first I've read that describes so clearly and precisely what I went through in the beginning - in particular, the sense of having one's basic sense of reality uprooted. (I know the sun will rise tomorrow, I know there will be death and taxes, and I certainly know him and who I am with him. Wait......I don't know "him" and apparently never did...do I know anything....?) That was the hardest for us to re-sculpt because it was lost in a flash, yet not enough time had elapsed to form a new union, a new identity.

Now that we have recreated ourselves in a new truth, the journey is not over for either of us. The big hurdles have been crossed - now the smaller, niggling, sometimes historically instincutual uncertainties that bubble up ofttimes seem like swimming upstream blind. Each one, like the proverbial iceberg (sorry for the cliche) is seemingly insignificant at first glance, but opens up a whole range of emotional and psychological origins. Once explored and understood, it's a as refreshing as walking from a small dark room into an open field of sunshine - little "aha" moments that bring insight and us one step closer to each other. But in the beginnning there is also the fear that this may be the one I will not be able to see through her eyes, to understand in the way she needs. Support - whether I come to a complete understanding of a particualr issue or not - is not in question. For her to continue to find her own personal truth which is her happiness is both our goals. I can't help but wonder, though, what will happen when she finds someone who can give her what I cannot - total empathy, in it's true sense. Will I have the courage to let her go and wish God speed? Or will I hold her back by clinging to protect my own emotional needs? I know what the right thing to do will be - but do I have what it takes to actually do it? An as yet unanswered question for the future, but a source of many sleepless nights in the present.

[ltg331]

dear gill, i read the link to the article u have read. it was wonderful. i am a girlfriend of a MtF. n we r struggling, not bc S is trans, but bc S is self destructive bc of it. S n I live in a small closed minded town. we have been a couple for almost 1 yr. S, in order to make $ for his transition, is doing some things that I think r morally wrong. I am trying to get advice from others on how to find financial support for me n my partner.  n to talk to people on how to deal w the mood swings that a trans goes thru.