i'm new

[lordloveaduck]

Hi just wanted to say hello, i'm the genetic wife of a relatively new mtof transsexual. I joined this site to hear other wives side and to see that there really is some sort of support out there.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello there and welcome to Susan's.

We have several SO's who post to the site, maybe not as active as other members but no less important that's for sure.  I'm sure that you will find and experience a wide range of views, opinions and advice, and like wise I hope that you will reciprocate.  My SO, Gillian (Gill) is also a member here and posts to the site from time to time as well.  So again welcome, it's always refreshing to see new members, and new ideas.

Steph

[Gill]

Hi there:

My name is Gill and I am Steph's spouse.  Welcome to the group.  Why not tell us a bit about yourself and how these issues are affecting you. 

Steph and I have been together to 33 years and have known each other for 37 years.  While I knew of Steph's "dressing" it all still comes as a shock.  The coming out was really tough.  Coming out to family, friends, work (hers and mine).  I spent so many years hiding it all, protecting everyone from the "secret"; though it being no longer a secret has eased the situation up, but when you spend so many years in one mode to suddenly be given permission to switch to another is tough.  Steph and I were just talking about this last night.  It has taken me some time to come to terms with the coming out.  It is a tough road, with many bumps and turns, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Keeping those communication lines open is most important.  Yes there will be things said and both have to understand just how much of a shake up has occured, but by talking about them will ultimately help.  Don't keep the feelings hidden.  Talk, talk, and do some more talking. 

Welcome to the group.

Gill

[Peggiann]

Hello and Welcome to a very special place.

Is there a name we may use to call (write) you by? It wouldn't feel so formal. Any name you wish.
I remember when I wasn't sure if it was ok to put a name at the bottom of my posts too.

I'm Peggiann, My S.O. is Leah Male to Female in transition. We were married 20 years before Leah told me. It's been 6 years now. There has been a lot of learning on both our parts. She is very tall as am I. She has always worked outside in manual Labor, in business for herself. I know it sounds funny to be referring to a husband as she and her, but once she made her mind up this path was what she needed to have happen well she is really a she now. SRS is coming around the corner. It is hard to get used to the changes that will come. They have to come. There's no way around that. I can't imagine living life as something I'm not as Leah and others like her have had to do. Leah will be 60 in January. That's a long time to be incomplete as a human being. She needs to be complete now for the deration of her life time. She is such a happier person now that the path is clear. That's her you might have thought as you read the last sentence. Then followed your thought with what about you are you happy? I have to answer you with yes at this present time yes! We are a happier couple. I say at this present time because we take each day one at a time.

We also talk a lot. You have to if you want to keep what you spent so long building together. I was told when I came here and also when I attended some functions with Leah, That marriages don't usually last. Some do but most don't. I have to say I think that communication is the key. We already had that going for us. It's not something we had to learn. But... it is something that you can't quir and practicing parrticipating in. Healthy people talk about what ever it is that is on their minds. That's how they stay healthy. Hide it and keep it in and burried and health issues will arise.

You can share anything with me here or personal message or email. It's in my profile so feel free to contact me anytime. I'm also on chat's sometime. Though it would be great for you to personal message me that you would like to chat at a certain time on a certain day.

You can DITTO everything Gill wrote you. She has some very good advice too that I found helpful. One being take time out for yourself. Don't be overwelmed by all the spotlight going to your spoouse. You have your needs too. Don't let them be lost along the way.

Well this is more than I really intended but when you read back on any of my posts you soon realize I am not short on words. Do share more with us so we may help in anyway we can.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[lordloveaduck]

Thank you all for the kind words and the welcome and for letting me in your very personal lives. My name is Deborah, my "husband" is a 9 month post op . We have been married only for three years. NO i did not know before we married that she would transition. We are both just turned 50, (my that sounds strange to me since my birthday was only this past week! lol)  yes, it's been a whirlwind of emmotion. some good some not so good. I went to montreal for her SRS and it was a marvelous experience really, it was there that somehow i felt the most peace about the whole thing( perhaps being in an atmosphere where everyone is accepting helps?)  The moment the nurse and my "hubby" walked out of the room for the operation, is a feeling that i cant quite get past at the moment and I'm working on. The feeling of knowing that at that moment my whole life as well as hers was changing forever was very hard and sometime still hurts my heart. Though i have always supported and helped her, it was hard to find someone for me to confide in. There are literally no support groups for SO's  in this area where i live and as you all know telling was hard. My real sister in law lives next door and that was hard as she did not know about the surgery part till after the fact and she blamed me for "allowing" ALicia(my  husband) to do this!  for that matter her whole family blamed me. It was a hard time for me , when i found out that Alicia wanted to transition was only two months after my only child..a son had committed suicide i still had not grieved him and then this...talk about a double whammy.

I truly love my husband dearly, and my thought was "well i would not like someone to tell me what to do in my life so how could i justify saying no"! So what i did was make a deal with myself, i would do anything i could to help her transition and then worry about me after. Well here I am now worrying about me! LOL.  I did have the sense to get some councilliing basically to help me help her. I have somewhat changed a lot too, and i heard someone quote recently that when the husband transitions, they come out of the closet while the wife goes in and not by choice!  I used to be very very out going, carefree, and strong. That was the one thing in all of this that i hated, everyone said to me..."you are such a strong woman"  well i dont know what happened but i'm not that anymore.

I found the change frustrating at times....and comical in a way...here i was starting to go through the proverbial change, hot flashes etc and here she was starting to go through puberty! what a feeling there. Hormones on the go for both of us...and yet we were the same age and going in opposite directions. on top of which after the transition, for me certain parts of my anatomy were heading south so to speak and hers were nice and perky!  not only that but she became more of a girlie girl than i ever was and at a perfect size 14 too! maddening really!

i'd love to hear from any of you by email or on this board any bit will help now, just knowing i'm not nuts that someone else actually felt the way did or is feeling the way i did. i'm only too happy to share. I INTEND to stay married, there is no other way for me.. I love her dearly , but how do you live with the stigma of this? of being called something you arent? etc. i'd love to hear how.

deborah

[Robyn]

but how do you live with the stigma of this?

of being called something you arent? etc. i'd love to hear how.

deborah

Less of a stigma than it was, and, in many places now, it's just  'Ho Hum, one more transcouple.'  There are three transcouples in our little village of about 3000 people.  We outnumber the gay and lesbian couples.

As far as being called something you aren't (a lesbian, presumably), it may help to remember that "What other people think or say about me is none of my business."  In other words, how can it hurt if you just don't care?

I don't remember if I've uploaded a link to the ElderTG news list.  I'll check.  ElderTG is for MTFs, FTMs, and SOs age 50+.  Some of us are rather chatty; several live close enough to come to our home for our "Traditional ->-bleeped-<- Thanksgiving" each year, too.

You didn't say what part of the world you live in Deborah, but you might want to check your local PFLAG chapter.  PFLAG is trans-supportive, and many chapters have what we call a TCord or Transgender Coordinator.

I am an SO, but my viewpoint may be somewhat prejudiced.  My husband is an FTM, and I'm a postop MTF.

Bright blessings.

Robyn
Secretary, PFLAG TNET

[Peggiann]

Hi Debrorah,

Ok here goes...

First off Deborah weeew you have been through much. Put your arms wrapped around yourself and squeeze hun... squeese hard you need a hug and that's the best I can manage from here. Yes I would say you're probably right on with how you felt so at peace in Montreal. I can only imagine what you must have felt for what you were both going to be loosing from your past relationship. But I can tell you this. The leashes that bound your spouse's inhibbitions in the intimate areana are no dought going to be lifted because never again will she ever have to perform as a male, something she obviously wasn't comfortable with prior to SRS.

As far as your In-laws, Hun they were and are probably in shock just as you were. It's easier to blame you than someone they are related to and love and have loved for a lifetime. I agree with you on not wanting to have someone tell me what I should do with my body so no way would I concider telling someone else what they could or could not do either. I apploud you for this stand! Time will help them come to grips with this all. I wouldn't push the issues in front of them all the time. I would just let them come around when they are of a mind and heart to. I would set only one ground rule. "No acuessing or confronting, nothing negative." If your In-laws come around to your home you are in controll and they will have to abide by your wishes. If you meet in public places you are free to get up and leave if they waver from your rule. If it's at their home you could always leave and not return for that sort of thing to happen again. You see it's important to be fair, firm, and freindly to yourself and your spouse. Let nothing get in the way of doing that.

Oh wow... now this one on body parts not where they used to be or what you would like them to be. Well I can relate there too. You see Leah always had more on top than I did. I never was happy with my size and that layed the way for the subject of horrible teasing in my growing up years and then even on into adult life. There is for you and your issues the same as there was for Alicia. Surgery. Save the money and have fixed what you want to. Size of cloths? Yes they can sometimes wear the size you once were or dreamed of being. Yes it hurts our feelinngs because this is not how we thought it would be. To this part...I will say being fair, firm, and freindly to yourself is more important than ever. Were you happy with your size before Alicia had SRS. If not Fair would be to realize it and not be upset because she has it before you and now be honest enough to do something about it. Firm comes into play to not let yourself be jealous, figure out how you are going to achieve the body you desire and go for it. The freindly part is to stick to it and do it. All the hurt you feel from this issue will go away. These may sound like just words and in fact they are. Till you put burning desire and action behind them. Nothing can get in the way. Remember Gill and I both said "Do something good for yourself." In other words it's ok to get wrapped up in you too.

Now for your final comment. I must say first what you and your spouse do in private it just that...Private. If you never spoke of or shared what your intimate life curtailed before SRS, then why should anyone think it's open for discussion now? Even further if you did you have a right to change your practice of being a part of such a discussion and can tell them you know, this is not something I am willing to discuss with you or anyone else for that matter. What is in your mind and heart is all that is imortant. Illiminate those people whom intrude and try to tarnish something wonderfull you have.

Hope this helps. It's how I see things and what ever you can't live with forget it was said. take and use what ever you are able.

Smiles my freind,
Peggiann