Why am I not in Control

[TheBattler]

Well this last week has been very interesting. I have been coiming out to everyone and today it was my brothers time to learn about my Tg life.

In all of this I am wondering why I am not in control. It seams like my sub-consious is in control and running the program. I would realy like to get rid of this so I can have my old life back (it was not that bad). Unfortunatly my sub-consious is shutting myself down and forcing me to face to being tg or indeed the possibility of being TS. I still do not want to transistion and I still feel like I should continue to be a male.

However now everything is out my sub-consious is free to do as it please. So on Friday I am planning to have my hair done and my ears pieced. My Feminine side is free to grow inside and have the life it despiratly wants.

How can I control this Sub-consious self.

My guess - everyone is going to tell me to 'enjoy the ride'.

Alice

[Kimberly]

Well, my take on that is simply that there is no "how to". You simply do. Even so though, it is far FAR better to figure out WHY...

Quit running and quit hiding.

You can neither outrun nor hide from yourself, so why try?

Given that, I suggest finding a nice quiet place to think and give up resisting and just be open to what you are, whatever that is.

For what my thoughts are worth...

[Melissa]

Welcome to the world of being transgendered and why this is not a choice.

Melissa

[TheBattler]

Welcome to the world of being transgendered and why this is not a choice.

Melissa

Thanks Mellissa,

Sounds like I will just have to enjoy the ride.

Alice

[Robyn]

But you can somewhat control the speed.

Take a step and see how it goes.  Then take another step if it feels right. 

The still, quiet voice speaks to me in the belly chakra, the yellow chakra, aka the solar plexus.

Rush slowly.

Robyn

[Kendall]

I think you reached the point where you controlled "too much". Your sub concious told you, "hey, thats not what you want, its my turn". Maybe got sick of suppressing yourself to the point where it lead to massive confussion, because it was time to make yourself known. Give your subconcious a chance at the wheel. You might find yourself breaking free of that confusion that you been experiencing the last few months. Reinforce any of you subconcious decisions and find out where you want to go, and how it feels going that way.

[Melissa]

I still do not want to transistion and I still feel like I should continue to be a male.

Ok, this particular statement bothers me.  Do you feel like you should be male because other people want you to be or do you feel like that's how you want to live.  Remember, you do not have to transition, especially if you don't identify with being a female.  It's possible that you may be a dual-role ->-bleeped-<- (Lives as female everywhere except at work).  You would have to check with your therapist on that one.  The idea is to find a balance that works for you.

Melissa

[Sheila]

Alice, you should be sitting down and doing a lot of thinking. Then go to your therapist and discuss the war between your inner self and your outer self. You need to get balanced out here, like what Melissa said. Don't do anything for anyone except yourself, then you will be happy.
Sheila

[TheBattler]

Ok, this particular statement bothers me.  Do you feel like you should be male because other people want you to be or do you feel like that's how you want to live.  Remember, you do not have to transition, especially if you don't identify with being a female.  It's possible that you may be a dual-role ->-bleeped-<- (Lives as female everywhere except at work).  You would have to check with your therapist on that one.  The idea is to find a balance that works for you.

Melissa

I mainly said that statement because while I have feminene traits I still do not consisder myself female. Yes I am open to transistion if that is where I need to go. As many people said 'I did not have a choice in transistion' and if that is where I am heading then I need to recognise that.

Alice

[Melissa]

I guess the point is that transition can mean many different things.  For you, it may not mean transitioning to having a female body, but perhaps a transition in the way you live your life.  Don't focus narrowly on the classic transsexual transition, especially if this may not be right for you.

Melissa

[Elizabeth]

Hi Alice,

I personally beleive control is an illusion.  I think many of us would like to think we are in control of things, but the reality of it, is that we are not.  Ask yourself this, when was the last time things turned out like you thought they would?  Someone could come crashing into your house right now, and injure or kill you, completely out of your control.  Watch the news, it happens all the time.

Having said all of that, I understand what it means to have the need, even compulsion to let others, particularly those close to me, know I was TS.  The lies and deceptions harm us.  We never wanted to lie and the desire to put that behind us and regain our self esteem can be quite strong.  I think it has more to do with giving up the lie than your subconscience taking control.  It feels good to come clean.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kendall]

I think the only thing that can tell us the right thing for us, is that little voice inside of us (all people), that leads us in the right direction and sometimes tells us to do things we are afraid to do.

Take that voice, go with it, add your whole thoughts, mind, heart, might, and actions, and you will go the right way.

[Jillieann Rose]

I try going the wrong way. For me that was going back the way I came and it hurt so bad I just wanted to quite this life (lay down and die). So I learned going back to the guy I once pretended to be was not right for me anymore.
You need to find what is right for you Alice, but don't burn your bridges until you know that you are happier on the side you want to be on. Slow but steadly forward. If you go the wrong way and you are honesy with yourself you will realize it.
What I'm trying to say is go for it, if you make a mistake just back-off and go another way.
Remember if you not going somewhere than your going nowhere.

Jillieann

[TheBattler]

Well Alice won again,

My ears are pieced. It was a bit scary but I am a bit happier now.

Alice

[Melissa]

Hi Alice, I remember I pierced my ears on Saturday October 15, 2005.  It was less than a week after coming out to myself, but for some reason the drive to transition was already in place at that point.  It's a good step, because males can wear earrings and you can always let the holes close up if you decided transition wasn't for you.

Melissa

[Kendall]

Great Alice,
Yes when I did mine I was a bit afraid too. I did them before my birthday last year in july. Takes a little bit till it heals fully, like a month or month and a half. And have to keep rubbing alcohol on them to keep them sterile.

[Kimberly]

Well Alice won again,
...

^*nudge* YOU won again...

...
I am a bit happier now.
...

Odd isn't it?

Why would driving metal into one's ear make one feel better? ^*shrug* As I commented to my dad some time ago, it isn't smart but I like it anyway.

[Jessica]

Control is an illusion.

Free will isn't so free, it always comes at a cost.

Jessica

[HelenW]

Getting my ears pierced and getting contact lenses (no more boy eyeglasses fer me!) were the first things I did, a week after my fateful Halloween party.  I date the beginning of my transition to that date - Nov 7, 2003 - even though i didn't really admit to myself WHY I was really doing it until more than a year and a half later. (and yeah, it's taking me a LOOOONG time! )

So, Good for YOU Alice!

I still do not want to transistion and I still feel like I should continue to be a male.

btw - of course you are MALE - that's BIOLOGY - but who are you without the body?  Can you think of it that way?

You'll get through this, hon' - I know you will and you'll be the better for it.
helen

[Melissa]

but who are you without the body?

Great question!

Melissa