I am 21 years old and I am extremely torn on which direction to go with my life as far as gender is concerned. I apologize in advance for the rather long (and sometimes seemingly boastful) chronicle of my life. Feel free to skip down to the last two paragraphs for the cliff notes version =)
Everything in my life has always been easy...from sports to academics, it was all a joke for me. I feel like this decision is probably the first real challenge in my life.
I have a nice upper-middle class family, I've always been pretty popular, I've never had trouble getting girls, and most would probably consider me well above average in the looks department (I even have the unique fortune to have two extremely differently colored eyes; one blue, one hazel).
There have always been problems, most of them just were not obvious to the casual observer. I don't think anyone has really ever thought of me as much more than the not so uncommon jock / nerd / generally nice guy combination (I have always been mildly obsessed with video games). I've always acted like a guy with my friends. I love giving people ->-bleeped-<- and getting it in return. My best friend's birthday was today and how I wished him a good one was "happy birthday ->-bleeped-<-face". I'm sure he wouldn't have it any other way either. I am extremely sensitive, but it just rarely shows. I have always had way more guy friends than I had girl friends. I have never been attracted to guys though.
There has always been a feminine side to me as well. Ever since I can remember I had asked my mom to paint my nails (although she would be sure it was off before my dad got home from work). I have always loved dressing in women's clothes. I usually wore women's clothing under my clothing throughout high school. I have always not been a big fan my penis for the most part either (it just seems in the way and awkward). And I have always felt unnaturally sensitive to many things for being male.
When I was 14 I sort of came out to my mom. I had done a large amount of research on the internet by that point and it was comforting to know I was far from the only one with those kinds of feeling and doubts. But then my greatest fear was realized. She told my father and the reaction was less than what I had hoped for. They made me see a psychiatrist I really hated. I've always been extremely stubborn and I had no intentions of opening up to this guy. I just was not comfortable talking to people about it yet. I have always been shy in some ways. But, at the psychiatrist's suggestion, they sent me against my will to a sort of rehab center for teens with both emotional issues as well as drug addictions.
As stubborn as I may be, I have never been stupid. All I really wanted was out of there and the only way to get that was to jump through the right hoops. I knew this was not the right solution for me and nothing good could come from it. I simply wasn't ready to talk to some random guy about my problems at this point in my life. I wasn't going to do it their way. All I did was lie. I lied then I lied some more. It was easy. All I had to do was to everyone there appear a fairly normal and happy person.
Inside the center reminded me a lot of high school. It was a full-time living situation for people under 18 with most patients staying for between 2-6 months. There were definitely the cool kids and the "dorks". Most of the people in there really didn't seem that different to me than what I was used to. So, getting along was easy. Within a week or two I was probably the most popular person in there and I was "dating" one of the most attractive girls I had ever met. Relationships between patients was technically prohibited but it was the kind of thing they sort of let slide.
While I had most of the doctor's there pretty fooled, my parents were a lot harder to get by. They weren't convinced and even with the doctor's essential approval of my condition, they kept me in there. No big deal though, school was coming up again and I knew they would never jeopardize my education. So, I was released after roughly 3 months; two days before school started.
That was probably my biggest setback. I never wanted to tell anyone about it again because it was such a terrible experience overall. My mom knew nothing had changed though. She would do things like leave me girl clothes hidden places and such but we never talked about it. She knew I was still cross-dressing. But, I never really felt like talking to anyone about it again and I basically just ignored it as much as I could. I started HRT at 19 once but stopped shortly thereafter (a week). That happened about two more times.
Now, the real change in my life has come. I met a girl. A girl I am completely in love with. I decided to open up to her and actually tell her everything. It has put a strain on our relationship, but she has been very understanding. I have been on HRT for about a month now and I have regularly been seeing both a counselor that specializes in transgender issues and a doctor that specializes in it. I have kind of come to the conclusion that this is not a problem that is simply going to disappear if I ignore it by now.
Since I opened up my life has felt completely different. I have been acting increasingly more feminine and it just feels right. Just little things like how I sit and act in general. I still try to hide it in front of my guy friends for the most part though. I have been acting increasingly more feminine even in their presence though. Unfortunately for me most of my friends are probably not the most understanding type. I love the decreased sex drive too from the HRT. It has always been sort of an annoyance to me like the penis being there and just seeming to be in the way. I also started going out dressed as a girl (with my girlfriend's help, of course). I probably wouldn't have the courage to do it anytime soon without her help. She is a pretty girly-girl herself and she definitely knows makeup and clothes. I actually feel pretty confident going out. I am probably more than passable even with my fairly short length hair and my lack of curves yet.
Right now I kind of feel like I have it all. And if I made the decision to transition I would probably lose just about everything. There are things I love about being a guy too. I WANT to be a father. I like the father daughter relationship. I kind of feel that way hanging out with my girlfriend's little sister (she is only 9). She says things like...I wish you were 12 years younger or I were 12 years older. Or, I can't wait for you to be my brother in law. I just love attention from girls and I could honestly care less about guys. And in general I know for a fact I am going to get more attention from girls as a guy. I don't know how I would feel about going from an attractive guy to an average girl either. I definitely have serious vanity and body image issues. There are other things I do genuinely like about being a guy too. I like the relationship two guy friends have and sometimes I just like being able to be a jackass and get away with it. My counselor said after talking to me she thought it is still entirely possible that I have a happy life as a guy.
Essentially I am now at a sort of standstill. I just don't know what to do. I hate the idea of risking losing everything, including my girlfriend (who is basically my fiancé...I have very little doubt that if I stay a man I will marry this girl). But, I am unsure if I will ever be happy as a guy. There have been long periods of time where I did not think about being a girl very often at all, but it just always seems to come back and resisting the urge to dress as one is tough. Given the choice to go back in time and pick my sex in the womb, it would without a single doubt be female. But that's not the only factor for me. It doesn't help that I live in the homophobic state of Idaho either. Things just seem so perfect for me right now. I am going to college, tons of friends, plenty of money, amazing house on campus, an amazing girlfriend who my parents love and whose parents love me, and just a relatively positive outlook on the overall success of my life.
What I am really looking for is some help from people that were maybe in a similar situation and decided one way or the other. I would be thrilled to hear from someone who decided to remain a guy and how that worked out. If I do want to remain a guy, what would make me feel less out of place in my body? Is it possible that if I go through with the HRT far enough I will come to realize it is not something I actually want realistically? Or is this just going to make me want it even more? What can I do to make up my damn mind? I am basically downright terrified that the only way I am going to be happy is to transition to a girl and it stresses me every day. I am probably equally terrified of the idea that I will never be a girl.
Thank you,
Nick