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My Life - Looking for Advice on what to do (long)

Started by FallenLeaves, August 10, 2008, 07:19:15 PM

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FallenLeaves

I am 21 years old and I am extremely torn on which direction to go with my life as far as gender is concerned. I apologize in advance for the rather long (and sometimes seemingly boastful) chronicle of my life. Feel free to skip down to the last two paragraphs for the cliff notes version =)

Everything in my life has always been easy...from sports to academics, it was all a joke for me. I feel like this decision is probably the first real challenge in my life.

I have a nice upper-middle class family, I've always been pretty popular, I've never had trouble getting girls, and most would probably consider me well above average in the looks department (I even have the unique fortune to have two extremely differently colored eyes; one blue, one hazel).

There have always been problems, most of them just were not obvious to the casual observer. I don't think anyone has really ever thought of me as much more than the not so uncommon jock / nerd / generally nice guy combination (I have always been mildly obsessed with video games). I've always acted like a guy with my friends. I love giving people ->-bleeped-<- and getting it in return. My best friend's birthday was today and how I wished him a good one was "happy birthday ->-bleeped-<-face". I'm sure he wouldn't have it any other way either. I am extremely sensitive, but it just rarely shows. I have always had way more guy friends than I had girl friends. I have never been attracted to guys though.

There has always been a feminine side to me as well. Ever since I can remember I had asked my mom to paint my nails (although she would be sure it was off before my dad got home from work). I have always loved dressing in women's clothes. I usually wore women's clothing under my clothing throughout high school. I have always not been a big fan my penis for the most part either (it just seems in the way and awkward). And I have always felt unnaturally sensitive to many things for being male.

When I was 14 I sort of came out to my mom. I had done a large amount of research on the internet by that point and it was comforting to know I was far from the only one with those kinds of feeling and doubts. But then my greatest fear was realized. She told my father and the reaction was less than what I had hoped for. They made me see a psychiatrist I really hated. I've always been extremely stubborn and I had no intentions of opening up to this guy. I just was not comfortable talking to people about it yet. I have always been shy in some ways. But, at the psychiatrist's suggestion, they sent me against my will to a sort of rehab center for teens with both emotional issues as well as drug addictions.

As stubborn as I may be, I have never been stupid. All I really wanted was out of there and the only way to get that was to jump through the right hoops. I knew this was not the right solution for me and nothing good could come from it. I simply wasn't ready to talk to some random guy about my problems at this point in my life. I wasn't going to do it their way. All I did was lie. I lied then I lied some more. It was easy. All I had to do was to everyone there appear a fairly normal and happy person.

Inside the center reminded me a lot of high school. It was a full-time living situation for people under 18 with most patients staying for between 2-6 months. There were definitely the cool kids and the "dorks". Most of the people in there really didn't seem that different to me than what I was used to. So, getting along was easy. Within a week or two I was probably the most popular person in there and I was "dating" one of the most attractive girls I had ever met. Relationships between patients was technically prohibited but it was the kind of thing they sort of let slide.

While I had most of the doctor's there pretty fooled, my parents were a lot harder to get by. They weren't convinced and even with the doctor's essential approval of my condition, they kept me in there. No big deal though, school was coming up again and I knew they would never jeopardize my education. So, I was released after roughly 3 months; two days before school started.

That was probably my biggest setback. I never wanted to tell anyone about it again because it was such a terrible experience overall. My mom knew nothing had changed though. She would do things like leave me girl clothes hidden places and such but we never talked about it. She knew I was still cross-dressing. But, I never really felt like talking to anyone about it again and I basically just ignored it as much as I could. I started HRT at 19 once but stopped shortly thereafter (a week). That happened about two more times.

Now, the real change in my life has come. I met a girl. A girl I am completely in love with. I decided to open up to her and actually tell her everything. It has put a strain on our relationship, but she has been very understanding. I have been on HRT for about a month now and I have regularly been seeing both a counselor that specializes in transgender issues and a doctor that specializes in it. I have kind of come to the conclusion that this is not a problem that is simply going to disappear if I ignore it by now.

Since I opened up my life has felt completely different. I have been acting increasingly more feminine and it just feels right. Just little things like how I sit and act in general. I still try to hide it in front of my guy friends for the most part though. I have been acting increasingly more feminine even in their presence though. Unfortunately for me most of my friends are probably not the most understanding type. I love the decreased sex drive too from the HRT. It has always been sort of an annoyance to me like the penis being there and just seeming to be in the way. I also started going out dressed as a girl (with my girlfriend's help, of course). I probably wouldn't have the courage to do it anytime soon without her help. She is a pretty girly-girl herself and she definitely knows makeup and clothes. I actually feel pretty confident going out. I am probably more than passable even with my fairly short length hair and my lack of curves yet.

Right now I kind of feel like I have it all. And if I made the decision to transition I would probably lose just about everything. There are things I love about being a guy too. I WANT to be a father. I like the father daughter relationship. I kind of feel that way hanging out with my girlfriend's little sister (she is only 9). She says things like...I wish you were 12 years younger or I were 12 years older. Or, I can't wait for you to be my brother in law. I just love attention from girls and I could honestly care less about guys. And in general I know for a fact I am going to get more attention from girls as a guy. I don't know how I would feel about going from an attractive guy to an average girl either. I definitely have serious vanity and body image issues. There are other things I do genuinely like about being a guy too. I like the relationship two guy friends have and sometimes I just like being able to be a jackass and get away with it. My counselor said after talking to me she thought it is still entirely possible that I have a happy life as a guy.

Essentially I am now at a sort of standstill. I just don't know what to do. I hate the idea of risking losing everything, including my girlfriend (who is basically my fiancé...I have very little doubt that if I stay a man I will marry this girl). But, I am unsure if I will ever be happy as a guy. There have been long periods of time where I did not think about being a girl very often at all, but it just always seems to come back and resisting the urge to dress as one is tough. Given the choice to go back in time and pick my sex in the womb, it would without a single doubt be female. But that's not the only factor for me. It doesn't help that I live in the homophobic state of Idaho either. Things just seem so perfect for me right now. I am going to college, tons of friends, plenty of money, amazing house on campus, an amazing girlfriend who my parents love and whose parents love me, and just a relatively positive outlook on the overall success of my life.

What I am really looking for is some help from people that were maybe in a similar situation and decided one way or the other. I would be thrilled to hear from someone who decided to remain a guy and how that worked out. If I do want to remain a guy, what would make me feel less out of place in my body? Is it possible that if I go through with the HRT far enough I will come to realize it is not something I actually want realistically? Or is this just going to make me want it even more? What can I do to make up my damn mind? I am basically downright terrified that the only way I am going to be happy is to transition to a girl and it stresses me every day. I am probably equally terrified of the idea that I will never be a girl.

Thank you,
Nick
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sarahb

Hi Nick,

I can see where you're coming from. I had grown up having a fairly easy life as well. I got good grades in high school, was going to a good college, eventually got the job of my dreams that paid well, and had a good amount of friends and had good times with them. It was a very difficult decision for me to finally transition and took a couple times to realize it wouldn't go away. With all that I could potentially lose I was always struggling with the issue.

You really need to think hard about where your priorities are and if you think these feelings are something you can live with. On the other hand, you also have to be prepared to lose everything. If you think your life would be better being a girl but not having the things you have today like your family, current friends, job, etc. and have to work to gain that stuff again, as opposed to staying how you are but having this constant feeling that things just aren't right, then go for it. It's definitely a hard situation. I started back when I was 20, January of '06. I began the transition but after a few months I stopped. Even though I knew I needed to do this I was scared of the future. The feelings eventually came back in December '06 and I started again. Again, the next few months were torture because I kept going back and forth thinking about the things I could lose, then thinking about the fact that these feelings will never go away, back and forth until I finally took the plunge and in March '07 I made the decision to stop fighting with myself about it and just do it. I have been full time now for 8 months and could not be happier.

Fortunately for me I haven't lost anything. My family was accepting, my friends were accepting, my job was accepting. However, I consciously made the decision that I would have to accept the fact that I would lose everything. I tried preparing myself for it. If you truly know you are a girl, those feelings will never go away. The one thing you don't want to happen is that 20 years from now you have a wife, 2 kids, house, cars, etc. and the feeling has gotten to the point where there is no holding it back anymore, yet you're now in a situation of having to deal with a family being a factor as well.

I would really take this chance to sit down and find yourself. Are you truly happy with everything you have while pretending to be something you're not? Will you be able to be happy like this for the rest of your life?
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Janet_Girl

FallenLeaves

First of all.  Welcome to our little family.  Please stay around and post often.

There are many of us that have went thru the process of finding ourselves.  But the best advise I can give is see my signature.

I went the 'man' life for 40 plus years,  fathered four children, married three times.  And the only thing that I can say is that I wish I had transition years ago.  It isn't that I don't love my kids, but I hurt them by not being me.  We are distant, my daughter being the only one that still contacts me and then it is only to pass on e-mails.

You need to be honest with yourself and your therapist.  If you really love this girl, there is nothing wrong with be a lesbian.  Fathering children can be done by donating your genes to a bank and use it later.

Think long and hard about what you really want for You and no one else.

Have fun here. It can be a kick.  ;D

Mistress Janet
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tekla

About the only thing I know for sure is that the old line about "if you want to make g*d laugh, tell g*d your plans" is about as true as anything else I've ever heard.  Life takes turns that we can't anticipate, and pow, there we are. 

However, to live life without a plan gets you nowhere fast too.  So....


Don't marry too early.  Most people who do will tell you what a mistake it is.

Get all the education you can, when you can.  It can't hurt, and will help on occasion.

Find what you love to do and do it.  Being trapped in the wrong body is one hell of a hurt, but being in a do nothing, go nowhere job is 40 years of the death of a thousand cuts.

Crossdressing is not drug abuse, I know of no one who has killed themselves with a dress, but I've been to too many funerals of people who killed themselves with drugs.

People have worked this out in any number of ways, I think the key is not to rush.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...
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deviousxen

Just know that I had a similar philosophy. The, "If I could magically go back in time to the womb, or magically be turned into a girl, then yeah," Stuff. Just remember that it is still entirely possible, not to be 100 percent in fulfilling that dream, but in the concept of being MUCH CLOSER to what you want to be and are. I'm not trying to hasten your decisions but remember a factor in this... I was never going to transition because of my expectations and my high standards for what being a girl to me was. To me at the time, I would have only gone through with it if it magically happened right there on the spot, and I woke up the next day as a girl. Well... Didn't happen, and its most likely impossible. The misery I had inside only amplified and I lowered the bar cause I just didn't care about that anymore. It meant that I accepted never being EXACTLY like other girls, but MUCH closer to that place I wanted to be. I'm kind of digging my own niche right now. Its not totally in either direction but its right next to girl, like inches away almost. If you know inside that you're never going to stop thinking about wanting, or needing to be a girl, and that its been in you for years, its probably only going to get worse exponentially. Definitely talk to the therapist/specialist more about this. I mean.. Will your love for this person cancel those feelings out? It cant just be bearable. Weight these ideas next time you see the specialist and I'm not saying rush it, but definitely put these factors on the table to talk about.

-Xen
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Kimberly

Quote from: deviousxen on August 11, 2008, 11:43:17 AM
I was never going to transition because of my expectations and my high standards for what being a girl to me was. To me at the time, I would have only gone through with it if it magically happened right there on the spot, and I woke up the next day as a girl. Well... Didn't happen, and its most likely impossible. The misery I had inside only amplified and I lowered the bar cause I just didn't care about that anymore. It meant that I accepted never being EXACTLY like other girls, but MUCH closer to that place I wanted to be.

Ditto, really quite exactly save I wanted a clone girl body or bust. As I phrase it, I busted. I sometimes wonder if this experience is something of a measurement.  Xen is both cute and wise (=

Something else, perhaps, of value is that in my experience it became increasingly apparent that something of me got "stuck" at around age 17 or so. Although my impetus was finally realizing what was hurting so bad.
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NicholeW.

Advice is so very difficult to give, Nick.

That you aren't on the verge of suicide is a good thingy. But, question is this, how do you think you'll react to the real hormonal changes that will come about 26-27 when guys "get thick" as my partner says. The peak T ages begin right through there and the changes are irreversible, although you may get lucky like me and be "small" from start to finish.

Kiera, I think, has given you good advice about marriage. If there is that much doubt from you I'd forego the experience. You can always bank sperm. Not quite the same thing as having one the old-fashioned way, but it is an option.

Tekla has also given good advice about getting all the education you can stomach: it helps, really. Just finished a second Masters (this one a "terminal" degree) and wish I'd done it years ago when I first thought about it.

Fact is, you may wish that as well about transition when you're "old and grey and full of sleep."

Look-it, you're the best one to make these decisions. No, they aren't easy and life is constantly attempting to balance the mostly imbalanced. Can't and won't make a suggestion about something that will change everything.

If you do decide to transition completely, given what you've written my guess would be that it will make you contented. Although that's just a guess.

One thing you absolutely must recall though is this "If you are going to transition expect to lose everything." It's not that everyone does, or that you will. You may not, but the expectation when you weigh things should be that you will. That way if you do it will not totally devastate you and if you don't then that always comes as a very nice and positive surprise.

That all said:

Welcome to Susan's, Nick

Please take some time to read The Site Rules and on The Main Page you can discover Links, Chat and Wiki for your use as well. You might also want to go to the "Announcements" section and read the two posts "Post Ranks" and "Reputation Rules" to help you with some knowledge about when you can apply your own avatars, PM, and what those lil stars mean beneath all of our names and how to get them for yourself as well!! :)

It's great to have you here! :) Enjoy your stay.

Nichole
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FallenLeaves

Thank you so much everyone for the replies. I think it was a good suggestion for me to find some online communities and I do plan on continuing to frequent these boards.

Right now my life sort of just feels like it has no direction. If I do decide to transition, I want to make the choice while still young. Just not knowing is what sucks. I hate the waiting. Right now I am really leaning towards at least trying being a girl. So many things just seem right about it to me. I just don't know if I can actually do it, even with someone there helping me through it. I definitely don't want this decision to be made after marriage (which is still at least a few years away for me at the very earliest). Sometimes it feels like I am being unfair to her too. She has offered that we take a break until I figure things out (and not see other people), but that's really not what I want. She does not want to be a factor in my decision at all. Even if we decided it couldn't work out I know she would be there for me. It's just really hard to think about being around her but not being with her. I suppose that's just one of the things I have to come to terms with and realize is probably a not so unlikely outcome.

One suggestion my counselor made was to just take the anti-androgens (no estrogen) to prevent further male features from developing (I still have almost no facial hair). This is an idea that might be worth considering for me, but I still hate the idea of it kind of it feeling like a limbo. I feel rushed but I think most of you are right in saying that I really do just need to wait and just hope the answer will come sooner rather than later.
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