I want to thank you all for the welcome
It's been very hard feeling alone. Dani is being very good about trying not to go full steam and make sure I feel OK with things before the next step.
I should mention that right now Dani is pre-everything. No dressing, no hormones, still very male in all respects. We're at the beginning of things. She does have a therapist she'd like to contact though. The therapist is experienced with gender issues and even does couples therapy, which I think is nice.
I started this time around with a much different viewpoint than the first time we discussed transition. The first time I pretty much prayed "it" would go away. I got my wish at the expense of Dani turning into a workaholic and generally uncommunicative about everything (think mono-sylabic answers to any subject you can think of.) This time around I took the approach of "transition will happen" and worked my way through things from there. I won't say I'm OK with everything, but I am trying to be accepting and working my way though my own issues.
I've conquered a few things, the biggest probably being why I was resistant to Dani's change at all. I was threatened by it, by the fact that Dani might turn out to be a "better" woman than I was. It was kind of blinding. I was like "wait, what? What's a 'better' woman?" Once I realized that there is no such thing as a "better" woman (unless you are making a comparison about a particular situation), I was ready to accept a lot of things. The "better" woman syndrome also had some roots in my childhood as I've never been particularly feminine. I've been a tomboy and probably will remain a tomboy all my life. I think it's ironic that the transition process has made me more comfortable with me, and I'm not the one transitioning
We really are committed to making our marriage work. We each don't want to lose the other. I've put to rest issues such as sex and being viewed as lesbian. I've realized that what other people call me does not turn me into that label. Sex, well, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm more near the bisexual node on the sliding scale. Oddly enough, realizing this didn't bother me at all. It was kind of like *click*...OK.
Some things have been oddly (and humorously) non-issues. Dani wanted to start doing some feminine things, such as shaving. I was OK with that, but a little nervous. When I first saw her after she shaved my thought processes ran like this: "Oh, is that a rash? What happened? Does it hurt?....*blink* Oh, she shaved.... Are you sure that doesn't hurt?" It turned out to be a surprising non-issue.
I've let Dani know that I'm OK with her dressing, at least a little bit. This is one of those issues where it's hard to say what I'm really OK with without seeing. I'm hoping the slow start will make it easier. I know she'd just love to go full blast.
I think the thing that hurts the most right now is the exclusion. I know Dani talks with other TS folks about what she's feeling and her questions, but what I can't seem to get her to understand is that while this is primarily about her, it affects *us*. I know she wants to give me room to deal with the changes and not pressure me, but the problem is I don't know what the changes are going to be if she doesn't tell me. Maybe some of this will change when she finally talks to a therapist or when we do. *sigh* I hate not being able to see the path.
Thanks again, for all your support. I greatly appreciate it!
WR
