Today started out bad, but ended up good.
I woke up all down and depressed, not really sure why at the time, just bummed. Dani slept in, which left me to do things like laundry and letting the dog out and stuff like that. Around noon, I went to wake Dani up and all I got was a mumble that she was tired. Well that lit a fire under me and I just threw up my hands and walked out of the room.
I later went back into the bedroom for my shoes so I could go empty the vacuum cleaner canister and Dani asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong and to go back to sleep. She gave me this puzzled look and asked why. I told her that all she was going to do all day was whine how tired she was and I didn't feel like hearing it. She did something unexpected - she laughed and said, "well, you're honest at least!" Then, like she usually does when she thinks something's bothering me, she got me to sit down and just provided a shoulder to lean (and cry) on.
Dani's very good when she does this. She just waits until I feel like talking and eventually I work up to what's bothering me. I was a bit more roundabout than usual today. I went through how I was upset that we didn't get to do stuff together today, like go riding. And I'm worried that the cat has eaten some people hair and mucked up her digestive tract again (I'm hoping not, the last time she did that, she needed surgery.) And that I got stuck doing all the "work" again, i.e. laundry, cleaning, etc. because she was sleeping.
Dani started off by saying that since she doesn't get quite enough sleep during the week, she needs to make up for it on the weekends. She noted that getting up at 6:30am and having to go to work, then not getting home until around 5 and staying up until 10pm meant she was shorting sleep. But, ah, says I - it was OK when *I* was doing that, plus cooking and cleaning and laundry and taking care of the pets and getting criticized that I was "too tired" for sex. (We hit a doozy here, didn't we?
) After a pause, Dani admitted I was right on that, and she apologized for putting me through a lot of crap that was unfair back then. But she wasn't sure how to make up for it now or if it was possible. I told her that part of me felt that I was owed something for all of that work, but then another part said wasn't having Dani back enough? Then the first part said that she never should have gone away in the first place. Still another part of me said that it didn't want to let go of the anger, because if I let go of the anger, then what did I have left? That's when the little voice said "a clean slate." Dani posed me a question then, "what does holding on to the anger do?" My answer was "prevent you from dealing with it." And it's true. Anger blinds you from seeing the path beyond the issue; it keeps you all wound up in the hurt and prevents you from moving on.
So after some more tears, I decided to clean the slate. I decided to write off the emotional "debt" I felt I was "owed". Why? Because I wanted to move on and it was pointless to hold on to the anger anymore. So Dani and I agreed to the clean slate. Now we can start writing the future.
WR
