I think I might have a minor case of anorexia. I denied it my whole life but now I'm giving it a second look.
Today I was really hungry. But as soon as I stuck the sandwich in my mouth, I felt sick. I wanted to eat more than anything, but I couldn't stand chewing and swallowing. I eventually made myself eat it, so I'm okay... I don't know if that's anorexia or something else but it certainly is an eating disorder.
Sometimes I ration my food. I am afraid if I eat a lot when my estrogen is high (around the period I can literally feel/see the signs of estrogen increase) that my breasts will get larger. So I eat less during the period for 2 reasons; 1) I don't want it to be contributed to feminine development and 2) I feel pretty sick the whole period... I don't get cramps or irritability but I do get nausea.
I also am a very anxious person, so I often just won't "feel like" eating. I will skip snacks or meals hoping that dinner will be bigger. I believe that if meals are bigger, my body will save the fat.
Wait, save the fat? That's right. I want to gain 20 lbs. I weigh 83. If I gain weight, I can use that fat reserve to build muscle. So in reality, I really want to gain a lot of weight. But I have next to no appetite a lot of the time. Then sometimes I have a gigantic appetite and I'll eat more than the 200 lb man next to me.
I don't know what it's like to feel fat. I don't look at myself and think, "Omg fat!" Instead I go, "Omfg skinny, I wish I could eat more but I have no appetite."
It's horribly confusing. I can be REALLY hungry but have no appetite. Meaning, my tummy's empty and screaming but I don't have the actual desire or ambition to eat. When I try to make myself eat, my body acts like it's full. I really don't know what this is called but hopefully I soon will. I'm going to see a medical doctor sometime (next month maybe) if my weight doesn't improve. I've actually been eating a lot more lately because I force myself to eat... I rarely feel sick afterwards but during meals I feel pretty gross.