Sorry for another long post, but I feel like I keep finding out new things about myself everyday and my thoughts are constantly changing. I do feel like I am getting closer and closer to finding the answers though. My girlfriend took a picture of me a few days ago that I feel like is the first real picture of me that I like. I almost never like the way I look in photos and I've never been quite sure why. The picture can be viewed here:
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c37/Znwo/nick2-1.jpgI feel like it is distinctly male yet has captured some of my feminine qualities and features. And I actually liked the way I looked. I realized I actually do like the way I look more recently. My appearance has been changing a ton over the past 6 months. I used to have the total skater look with really short hair. I am really feeling the longer hair and my new clothes (I dress a lot more preppy now). This really has gotten me to thinking. I think I really am starting to feel more comfortable with my appearance. And there are so many things I love about being a guy. There are so many things I can only realistically have as a guy too, such as a normal family life.
Another interesting and potentially relevant thing was brought to my attention yesterday as well. There is a sort of a freak happening in which two twins are formed inside the womb, but one twin absorbs the other which results in something called Chimaerism. Its not noticeable in those rare cases and most people look completely normal. Some things that happen is your blood type changing. I believe I have had this happen (although I can't be sure, it was 5th grade at the time). Another good indicator is having the extremely rare two different colored eyes (one eye color from each twin). I certainly have those. It seems like this could explain a lot. One male twin and one female twin with the male twin winning out. This seems like it could explain the constant back and forth I have had about this my entire life.
Anyways, I have just been thinking about these and other things lately. It feels like more and more I lean towards being a guy. I just honestly can't see myself as a girl 5 years from now and being happy. I stopped taking the estrogen but I am probably going to stick with the medroxyprogesterone and maybe the spiro because I really don't want to look like more a guy than I already do. That doesn't mean something in my life doesn't need to change still though, and I'm just not completely sure what it is. I want a normal life but at the same time I do feel like I need to be more honest with my feminine side. Most of my life I have been a completely typical guy and kept the other things to myself. I don't think that cuts it for me.
What I feel like I need is something in between. I've always loved when my girlfriend treated me like a girl (which was fairly often), and I kind of always was thinking that meant I must want to be a girl. What I never really considered though was how often I treated her like a girl and was the total guy, and how much I loved that too. Like I've told my counselor, I think I will make either a very girlish guy or a very guyish girl. I still am not ruling out a complete sex change, but it feels more and more unlikely every day.
So, where does this leave me? I don't think anti-androgens are the right long-term solution. What can I do to start moving on with my life? Does any of this sound "wrong"? Or is what I am saying probably the right choice for me? Can I be happy as a guy? I still feel really confused but a lot less so than I was about a month ago. Either way I don't want to rush things too much.
Thanks again,
Nick
