How - not if - to tell someone

[Heroine]

Hi!

I know this question has probably been discussed a few times before but I can't help but thinking one more time isn't one too many.

I'm rather happy with my life, I just turned 30 and I have everything going for me. Happiness, work, friends, money, family. You know, I have a good life and everything I can ask for, I think. Last year I remember thinking that there wasn't a single thing I'd like to change in my life, it was just the way I wanted it to be. That is a fantastic feeling.
Well, things change. My boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up. It wasn't an ugly breakup or anything, it was just time for us to go our separate ways, but since then I feel something is missing. I really want to share my life with someone, live with someone, have a future with someone.... love someone again. What good are all those things I'm so happy about if I have no one to share them with?
But I am dead scared of dating and I am dead scared of telling someone about my history. I am dead scared to get thrown away as some kind of pseudo-woman who up until a moment ago was good enough but after telling isn't worthy of being part of anyones life.
In most situations I have come to almost forget about... "my history"... since it doesn't play a big part in my life anymore. You see, I write "my history" just so I don't have to write that I am a transsexual. My mouth doesn't want to say that word and my fingers just misspelled it 3 times because every time I think about it, I get this image in my head where I am telling someone I care about and they walk out of my life because of it... And I feel the pain of past rejections over and over and over again.

But damned be she who does not dare to go after the prize in fear of defeat. Recently I've met a few men who I'm starting to get to know better and maybe, hopefully, one of them might turn out to be someone I really want to get close with. Now, meeting someone isn't the problem, meeting the ONE is the problem because I feel handicapped about not being sure how to approach the problem with telling about my history. I've read a few threads in this forum that mostly talk about the "if" in telling but my question is about the "how".
I know that I can't hide my past from a partner forever, I hate having secrets and I feel I have an obligation to be honest. I don't want to feel like I am wasting their time or cause them (or myself) any more emotional distress than I have to. Telling your partner is different than telling a friend because to a partner you are possibly the future, love, sex, marriage and family. I respect their decision to reject me because I might not be what they are looking for but that doesn't mean it isn't emotionally devastating to me.

So if I tell too late, things might get ugly and if I tell too early they don't get a chance to know me. How do you approach this, do you have a way to tell people that seems to work better than others? Do you have any way to sort of "probe" how someone might feel about this sort of thing? Is there a time to tell which is better than others, like before or after kissing/having sex/whatever? Any experience on how to approach this and how to express it in the most favorable way?

I'm not one of those people who can say "if they don't accept me it is their problem" and just move on. Because it is not only their problem, it is my problem too. And it hurts.

[Northern Jane]

But I am dead scared of dating and I am dead scared of telling someone about my history. I am dead scared to get thrown away as some kind of pseudo-woman who up until a moment ago was good enough but after telling isn't worthy of being part of anyones life.

Unfortunately that about sums it up for 99% of guys. You (and I) need to find that 1 in 100!

I to do not believe in secrets but I also believe it's nobody's business until/unless things start getting serious - then you make the moral decision whether to tell or not. I chose to tell because I want the guy to know so that he is in a position to defend himself (and you) if it comes from somebody else - and it WILL come out sooner or later.

I usually go out with a guy a few times to "size him up". If he is bigoted and/or insensitive, I don't want him anyway. If he seems intelligent, thoughtful, and understanding, he's the kind of guy I could go for and MAYBE he'll understand. It has happened once for me. Now I am working my way through the second group of 100 looking for the next 'special someone' 

[Mnemosyne]

Sorry to hear of the split.

I am pretty up front and out. My status does not bother me in the least and my ego loves it when I am told that someone had no idea. LOL. One of the reasons that I am so up front is because of emotional investment. I tend to fall for someone pretty quickly and would hate to get a little attached and only have it turn to crap. There are people out there who just really do not care at all, the trick is to get out there and meet them.

[Kimberly]

I approach it a bit differently; Rather than waiting to find someone and seeing IF they can deal with me, I am pretty vocal about it. The result is only those whom CAN deal with it will ever get remotely close. A case in point of this, I didn't have any "secret" to tell my Beloved. Which, frankly, is how I think things should work. But meh, I am not too keen on secrets even if I acknowledge the need of them.

Ultimately I end up in the "If they have a problem with me, they have a problem with me." group I suppose, although I endeavour not to be a thorn in anyone's side.

[pretty pauline]

Heroine
I feel your pain, to tell or not, I'v heard it so many times before, I'v lived in stealth for most of my life since my transition.
About 12years ago I dated a guy for nearly 3years, we had a good relationship, it was about 2 half years before I told him, I just kinda work up to it, told him I could never have children, he was very understanding on that, day after I told him that he gave me a bonquet of flowers (pink roses) my favorite, a week later we went out to dinner, I was very nervous, he told me I looked stunningly pretty that night, I put my best forward, then I dropped the bombshell, the blood drained from his face, I told him I was trans. He totally freaked out, it was the worse night of my life. The things he said I wouldn'd repeat here I wasn't a real woman bla bla bla
He was in total shock, he had absolutely no idea I was trans, its amazing with men, tell them you can't bear children, they can be understanding and full of sympathy, but tell them you are trans and they go completely crazy, our relationship ended shortly after that horrible night, the horrible things he said, but I didn't hear him complaining when we had a sexual relations. Lucky for me, he wanted to keep it secret from his friends and family, didn't want them to know he was dating a ''->-bleeped-<-'' for nearly 3years, probably told them the usual story ''didn't work out''
Anyway Im now in another relationship, dating a most amazing guy for 11months now, well I'v never told him my history, and don't intend to, its a long time ago, Im not going there, 4weeks ago he ask me to marry him, so now we are engaged, he's an absolute gentleman, very few people know my history.
I'v 2brothers married, I have 2 nieces and 3nephews, they have no idea of Aunt Pauline's history, my brothers never told them, its not important.
They are all excited Im getting married, as for children, well Im 50, so I guess Im a bit old, my nieces are trilled, they are looking forward to shopping for my wedding and picking out my dress.
How situations can change, in another thread I said I had botox treatment 4years ago and would never have it again, well I'v changed my mind (a girl's choice) Im getting the full works for my big day, a lipaugmentation, kissable lips for my husband, but I'II never tell him Im trans.
p

[Northern Jane]

... I told him I was trans. He totally freaked out....

The problem, as I see it, is if a man is not told or doesn't figure it out early on his own, he is going to feel betrayed, lied to. If he is your average straight not-too-worldly guy, he has a degree of homophobia and being attracted to a woman who "was once a guy" (their perception, not mine!) is sort of like seeing homosexual tenancies in himself.

I didn't tell my first husband - he found out after we divorced - and he was angry that I didn't trust him enough to tell him.

I am glad I told my  second husband because a few years down the road a worker at a local clinic looked up everybody she knew in their records and made "the juicy bits" the subject of gossip. When the rumors reached my small town, my husband was ready for them and he became my greatest defender. (I didn't even hear about the rumors until years later.)

I was 20 years post-op, living in a different part of the country and the only ones who knew my history was a couple of doctors. There is an old saying that "a secret is a secret until somebody else knows" so I think trying to live complete stealth for decades is next to impossible. If you don't tell your significant other, someone else will, sooner or later.

[pretty pauline]

I was 20 years post-op, living in a different part of the country and the only ones who knew my history was a couple of doctors. There is an old saying that "a secret is a secret until somebody else knows" so I think trying to live complete stealth for decades is next to impossible. If you don't tell your significant other, someone else will, sooner or later.
[/quote]

Many thanks Jane, you'v brought up a lot of points, to take your quote ''trying to live complete stealth for decades is next to impossible'' its very scary, whats a girl to do, its one of the reasons I join Susan's board in the first place, to discuss this whole point, I hate the word ''being outed'' Im 51, I started transition at 16, I was 12years pre op, had my srs at 28, Im now post op 23years, sometimes its a case of ''dam if you do and dam if you don't''
In my case of telling, well do I want a repeat preformance, for a while longer I'II take my chances, my husband to be has fallen in love with a woman,, not someone who use to be something else, Im just confused, right now, I just think I'v pre wedding nerves, typical girl feelings lol
History history maybe maybe the right time, its so comforting read some women's stories living with their partners and knowing and more important, excepting they are trans
p

[Northern Jane]

I think the important thing P.P. (love those initials - LOL!) is people getting to know you before the rumors start. I have long been aware that people form their perceptions of someone fairly quickly and the longer they hold that view, the less it is subject to change.

I had been in my community about 6 years before the rumors spread and I asked a close friend (straight male, quite homophobic LOL!) what the reaction was in our small rural community. He said most people viewed me as a little eccentric (which is true enough!) but dismissed the rumor as implausible because they knew me as a woman, complete, easy and natural. (But still a little "odd" LOL!)

There is a HUGE difference between being out and public and being discrete.

[Heroine]

Hi all and thank you for all the interesting replies, they sure where food for more thought to me.

Age and life experience matters to some extent in how people approach relations so here is my background... I was diagnosed kind of early and got a low dose of hormones to keep androgen levels low for many years and started the actual process around age 18 (legal limit). I am now 30.

Since I made the original post I dated a few guys and actually fell for one of them, and he fell for me too. After getting to know each other very well from dating a number of times and talking countless hours on the phone I decided to get down to telling the more important parts.
So, what did I say? We were talking about family and children and I told him that I had something I had to tell him since I knew children was important to him. I said that I was born with a hormone disorder that made it impossible for me to have children because it made my body develop different from what it should have. I didn't have the normal upbringing that ordinary children had (which is true, I was diagnosed at age 9) and my puberty didn't really start until I got hormone replacement treatment. I also said that this meant I had undergone extensive surgery to my genitals in order to correct them from my birth defect. I told him that during my childhood and puberty I tried to live my life in a lot of different ways trying to figure out who I really was and where I fit in. I told him that I have had to change my name and relocate because of the problems my disorder got me into. I also said that all this caused me great depressions and pain in the past which made me a completely different person back then than who I am now but what was important to me was to move forward and live in the present instead of dwell in the past and let that depressed version of me affect how I am today.
In essence I said that I wasn't always the person that I am today, I am who you see now regardless of what I have gone through (big focus on that) and that the two of us can not have children the natural way. The way I see it, that is how it affects him.
At the end I said that I didn't tell him all this until now because I felt I wanted to make an impression first and let him decide if he wanted to keep seeing me. I then said that it was time for me to go home and that if he wanted to, he could call me tomorrow but that I didn't want him to give me any false hopes and to think things over before he made any decision. He tried to talk me into staying the night but I refused and went home.
He called the next day and said that he refused to let this be a problem and that we should keep seeing each other (the part with I am who I am now, not who I used to be seemed to have worked).  

What eventually happened was that having children turned out (some time after our conversation) to be such an important matter to him that he feared he would eventually hurt me in the future since that wasn't likely to change. He was very happy with having met me and that everything was just perfect the way it was but that the having children part was just too big of an issue to him. Well, at least I got dumped for a different reason... almost made the dumping part feel nice in a strange way

Kind regards.

[Northern Jane]

Never give up Heroine! You never know what is around the next corner 

I had given up all hope of ever meeting someone and sadly resigned myself to finishing this journey alone. But about the time I was resigned to living in my rut, life got turned upside down.

I have been involved in various forums (Intersex and TS) for quite some time (years) when all of a sudden one of my online friendships took an unexpected turn and exploded into LOVE, an incredibly powerful and mutual love (way beyond "lust"!) that has swept us both away. I don't know where is came from, how it started, and if I had seen it coming, I would not have allowed it (for various reasons), but it HAPPENED and now there is no denying it.

The marvelous part (among many others) is that there will be no "The Talk" - we each knew everything there was to know about the other a long time before love happened.

You just never know .......