Ambivalence about therapy

[Jack Daniels]

 You re parents were super conservative, were'nt they? Mine are conservative democracts, so they were nt so prudish, but hey, you said it was good since you did nt have to imiagine your mom havin sex. Though, I have a weird obession with my mom, I used to listen to them..., but I ll never forget the time I actually walked in on them...Horrible...so so horrible...It kind of scrwed me mentally. Although, I do find my mom attractive, its still somethin that should nt have happened. Ha, this reminds me of all that freud phsychology stuff.

Not to bring your mom up again since you dislike her, but have you completey servered all ties with her?

[Arch]

  Not to bring your mom up again since you dislike her, but have you completey servered all ties with her?

Ohhh, yeaaaah. Long time ago. Sayonara, baby. Whole damn family.

[Lee]

I hate standing in the waiting room with my stomach churning. This is my fourth appt. tomorrow. I thought I would be calmer by now, but I still have the pre-appt. jitters, in spades, a full twelve hours before I have to go in. And it just gets worse from there.

I feel really stupid, embarrassed, chicken. If I don't watch out, I'll start worrying about THAT and won't be able to make any progress. Talk about adding a complex to an existing complex...

Have you ever tried preparing for therapy, like writing down what you need or want to talk about, or even things you don't feel comfortable saying out loud-and give the notes to your therapist if need be?

It doesn't always if ever truly kill the anxiety nasties, but sometimes helps a little.   

[Rhye]

Have you ever tried preparing for therapy, like writing down what you need or want to talk about, or even things you don't feel comfortable saying out loud-and give the notes to your therapist if need be?

It doesn't always if ever truly kill the anxiety nasties, but sometimes helps a little.   

Yeah, and if you feel awkward about handing your therapist a note instead of talking, you could say "I had a few thoughts earlier that I decided to write down for you" and show her the note. You can go over it together and discuss any key points you have.

It's to-the-point, and having your thoughts down in writing is a lot easier than having to remember details when you're already feeling a little anxious about being there.

[Arch]

Have you ever tried preparing for therapy, like writing down what you need or want to talk about, or even things you don't feel comfortable saying out loud-and give the notes to your therapist if need be?

It doesn't always if ever truly kill the anxiety nasties, but sometimes helps a little.   

Well, I did write something up and bring it to the second session, for him to read later. It was all about my family and my previous experiences with therapy. Not quite the same thing.

I was finally able to start a journal again, but that's not quite the same thing, either. That resource is for me. Truly, if he read it, he would probably think I was crackers, esp. the last couple of entries, haha.

So...I've never seriously considered doing what you suggested, no. I'll have to think about it. Maybe it would keep me from straying into territory that really bothers me.

I know that's not what you had in mind, but last session I wound up talking about my parents a little bit, and I wasn't expecting that. I'm not sure how I got there...I was very uncomfortable. If I wrote some stuff beforehand about stuff I feel safer with, maybe it would give me a sense that I have greater control?

Heh. Once again I'm thinking in terms of avoidance. Not good.

I dunno. I'll think about it.

Posted on: August 27, 2008, 11:29:42 PM

Yeah, and if you feel awkward about handing your therapist a note instead of talking, you could say "I had a few thoughts earlier that I decided to write down for you" and show her the note. You can go over it together and discuss any key points you have.

It's to-the-point, and having your thoughts down in writing is a lot easier than having to remember details when you're already feeling a little anxious about being there.

Well, this is a slightly different way of looking at it.

God, I don't know. I thought about this for a few minutes and realized that I tend to think of writing things down this way as a copout--not for other people, but for me. I don't know why. Isn't that goofy?

[Lee]

Not a copout if the writing actually gets you on track w/ talking about what you need to be talking about.

[Rhye]

God, I don't know. I thought about this for a few minutes and realized that I tend to think of writing things down this way as a copout--not for other people, but for me. I don't know why. Isn't that goofy?

It isn't a copout, it's just a different way to communicate. I communicate better through writing. You communicate pretty well through writing too, from what I see. I can't communicate anything but silliness in person anymore, and that won't help me when I get to the therapist's office. And my theory is that once you've broken the ice with those key issues, whether by speaking or writing, it will get easier to communicate with your therapist.

If I wrote some stuff beforehand about stuff I feel safer with, maybe it would give me a sense that I have greater control?

I know that was directed toward Lee, but that's exactly what I was thinking when I posted a little earlier. If you've got outlines written down already, you know where the situation's going, and you won't stray from your key issues easily.

[Lee]

What I mean is the writing isn't a replacement, just a spring-board for your thoughts an stuff.

[Arch]

What I mean is the writing isn't a replacement, just a spring-board for your thoughts an stuff.

Yeah, I see.

My anxiety definitely gets in the way--I tend to feel sorta paralyzed. Awkward. On the spot.

It helps me if I can work off my excess energy beforehand. I either exercise or pace. Before my last appointment, I was pacing like mad in the living room when my partner came back from work early because he didn't feel well. I can't pace when he's around, so that was that.

It was a Monday. That morning, I was so glad the weekend was over and my partner was going to work. When he came home, I was royally pissed (I know, he couldn't help it) and went to my appointment frustrated and angry. God, it was so hard to say anything. I was just so mad. I was planning to be relatively relaxed and ready to get some real work done.

My composure is very tenuous these days. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I trust my therapist now. I really do. But I'm still scared. Why is that? Does that make sense? I'm such a coward...

[Mister]

I trust my therapist now. I really do. But I'm still scared. Why is that? Does that make sense? I'm such a coward...

It does make sense, and you're not a coward.  Basically, if your ultimate goal is the OK to start hormones, you're spending money to sit in a room for a 50 minute long hour spilling your guts out to someone basically unknown to you who is in control of your destiny.  It's ok to be tense about therapy, especially in the beginning.

[Arch]

It does make sense, and you're not a coward.  Basically, if your ultimate goal is the OK to start hormones, you're spending money to sit in a room for a 50 minute long hour spilling your guts out to someone basically unknown to you who is in control of your destiny.  It's ok to be tense about therapy, especially in the beginning.

Well, I think that my ultimate goal is to get the okay for transition, but actually my first goal is just to figure myself out and find out for sure if I want transition. I've been suppressing so long and have lived so long as a female that I'm not one hundred percent sure what I want.

I don't see my therapist as a gatekeeper. He's helped me a lot so far, but we've hardly even talked about gender issues. I wouldn't know where to start. This I will have to ask him, if I ever get to that point and still feel clueless. It had better be soon, but I guess I have so much baggage and so much old business that's come back to plague me that I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment.

Still feel like a chicken, though, and still kick myself for it. And I keep thinking that if I feel safe with this man, then I shouldn't be scared. I do feel safe. And I do feel scared. Seems like a paradox, but I guess I'm really just scared of what kind of junk I'll turn up. I'm scared of eventually having to make a decision. Scared of the unknown. Scared that my partner will leave me if I do transition.

I'm just scared, period. But heck, even if I really AM a coward, who wouldn't be scared under these circumstances? Maybe they'd be nuts not to be.

[Mister]

I didn't mean to infer that he was a gatekeeper.  Not my thought, not my intention.  Apologies if it wasn't clear.

Not saying you need to jump through hoops to impress the guy, but it's still nerve wracking to know that any progression is up to him at this point, unless you were to switch therapists.  Your post leads me to an interesting train of thought, but it's probably a new thread altogether.  Seems a lot of folks in here are in therapy to figure themselves out, whereas I went in having figured myself out and ready to transition (i mean this in the medical sense, not the social sense- that had already happened.)

[Arch]

I didn't mean to infer that he was a gatekeeper.  Not my thought, not my intention.  Apologies if it wasn't clear.

No prob.

Not saying you need to jump through hoops to impress the guy, but it's still nerve wracking to know that any progression is up to him at this point, unless you were to switch therapists. 

Definitely nerve-wracking. He doesn't question that I'm transgender, but I'm not altogether clear on what I have to do to get the green light to move forward with transition. I've had too many trust issues up till now to even think about that. Now that I'm getting used to the sessions and feel pretty safe--it happened way faster than I expected, so that's a plus--maybe I should start thinking about writing down some questions about how the process works. But I still want to take this slowly. I have to navigate around a number of life issues and obstacles before I can seriously consider going forward with transition.

Your post leads me to an interesting train of thought, but it's probably a new thread altogether.  Seems a lot of folks in here are in therapy to figure themselves out, whereas I went in having figured myself out and ready to transition (i mean this in the medical sense, not the social sense- that had already happened.)

You may be right about some of the other guys here, but I think quite a few are pretty sure of what they want and don't really need much therapy to figure that out. You should start a thread on that topic--it would be interesting to see how many guys have achieved a high degree of certitude without lying on the couch!

Do your previous posts talk about how you arrived at that point? I'm curious as to how you achieved it--unless it wasn't a tough call at all. It isn't, for some.

Posted on: August 28, 2008, 02:21:53 AM

You re parents were super conservative, were'nt they?

Yeah, my parents were (and, no doubt, still are) conservative Republicans. They voted for Nixon, they voted for Reagan...and the last time I knew her, my mother was some variety of born-again Christian with fairly fundamentalist views. Oddly enough, they didn't really indoctrinate us kids. After giving us some churchgoing experience, they left it up to us to decide whether we wanted to continue. I think that this freedom was mostly a compromise that my parents arrived at between themselves--my father seemed relaxed about religion, so I think he made her back off. Anyway, I've had skeptical leanings since I was five, so quitting church was a no-brainer.

Occasionally, my mother regretted allowing us such latitude. Every once in a while, she would go through a half-hearted conversion cycle and try to get me some religion. It didn't take, of course.

Whatever I may think of my parents, I have to give them credit for certain things. They taught me the value of a dollar, they brought me up with a solid work ethic, they took me all around the world, and (barring the odd slip-up) they allowed me to make my own decisions about religion. It wasn't all bad.