Dating Tips: When do you tell them?

[trapthavok]

Wondering about dating, if I ever get to do it.

If you're hoping for more than one date or more than a one night stand...do you tell the person you're going out with that you're transgendered? If so, when? The first date? The tenth date? After it gets serious? Lol

Just curious.

[sarahb]

I haven't had a date yet now that I'm full time, but I have asked myself this question quite a few times.
I suspect I would tell them sometime during the first date. If a chance doesn't arise I would most certainly
tell them on the second date. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with them not knowing for two reasons:

1) I'd feel like I'm hiding a piece of myself. I don't necessarily want to be seen as trans my whole life, but I'm
hoping to find someone who sees it as just another interesting aspect of who I am while still seeing me as a girl.
How possible this is, I don't know.

2) I'd rather get it over with before I get too attached just in case they don't react well.

[trapthavok]

Curiosity got the best of me...I have an FTM buddy who told support group a couple of weeks ago that he has a serious girlfriend. I don't know how long he's been with her, but he also said he only told her recently that he's FTM. I feel that's gotta come as a shock if you've been dating someone long enough....

I agree with you Sarah, I feel like they should know. For your own benefit, as well as theirs.

[sneakersjay]

I think it's going to depend on the situation and the person and how serious it is.

I'm not one for casual sex, so I doubt I'll tell everyone right up front, probably not even after kissing and making out.  I'll probably tell if a) I'm seriously smitten and think things will go far or b) if I think things might get intimate.

I figure I can broach the subject about having a birth defect I need them to know about, and then tell them I was born without a penis.  Depending on the result of that bombshell, decide how much more I should divulge.  If I get an ew, gross, bad reaction, no sense telling them I'm trans!  If they seem open and receptive and respectful and still interested I'll reveal the rest.

But then, I have to find a date first.  Sigh...

Jay

[Nero]

I haven't quite explained it yet to the girl I'm seeing. I don't pass and she just assumes I'm butch.
I don't really know if or when I'll be able to transition, so I don't see the point of bringing the whole ftm aspect into it yet. No point in her worrying about what I'm going to look like when it probably won't happen for a long time. If and when I get serious about her, I'll tell her. I just don't see the point at this stage of the relationship.

As for if and when I ever pass - I'd say something right away, mainly because I want everything to flow if something happens. I don't want a girl all over me just to freak when she gets to my crotch. Best do it up front. Even if we waited to become intimate, I just couldn't date someone and have them think I've got different anatomy or history than I do. It would feel like playing a role all over again.

[Mnemosyne]

I am out and pretty open about the whole thing so my current partners knew before anything happened.

[Janet_Girl]

I am not yet full time, so I have not been dating, but I think that I would not necessarily tell them right away.  I would want to see if it could be more than a couple of dates.  If it looked like It was becoming something serious, then I would have a heart to heart and tell them that I care for them and would like to continue seeing them and then the big But.  If they were TS/TG and I knew it then I would most likely be open. 

But I am open, for now, so the chances are that if someone has asked me out on a date, a real date not just drinks or lunch, then I am pretty sure they already know.

Janet

[trapthavok]

But then, I have to find a date first.  Sigh...

I'm in the same boat as you bro  🙁

[icontact]

Right after we're open about being interested in each other. With my ex, the night we were both like, yeah I like you, I was just like well, now is probably a good time to mention that I'm an androgyne [Which I believed at the time]. She was bigender/questioning so I guess it was bound to be okay.

I guess it's more complicated now that only the lesbians think they have a chance at me. Trying to change the lesbian label to "confusing" at the moment. Urgh.

[Dennis]

I haven't quite explained it yet to the girl I'm seeing.

It's so great to read that posted by you, Nero.

For me, it was a blessing being in a small town. Stuff gets around places that you have no idea it's gone. My gf already knew before I told her. We had a bit of a convo about bottom surgery, whether I'd had it or not and she said she'd rather I hadn't because she'd rather I was responsive and was concerned about the risks of bottom surgery. Then, when things got more intimate, we had a convo about whether I was bothered about being touched in certain areas. Otherwise, my big anxiety turned into a non-event cause she'd already known and researched it.

My plan was to try and bring it up after a few dates when it looked like things were getting more serious.

Dennis

[Christo]

U tell em b4 u get to confy 😉

[Northern Jane]

In the wilder days of my youth (a LONG time ago), I didn't tell anybody. I wasn't interested in settling down so it wasn't their business. I married the first time "in stealth" but that was already doomed for other reasons. I didn't tell anybody until things got serious with the guy who would become my second husband. He took it extremely well and became even more protective of me. (That marriage lasted 12 years and also broke up for other reasons.)

I have dated a bit in the past few years and my straight male friend says to tell early and don't waste time with the XXXXX if he has a problem with it. I, on the other hand, don't feel comfortable talking about it unless the relationship has developed to the point where I feel it might 'go somewhere' or lead to intimacy. Of the guys I dated, I told two and both did a runner.

I think it's a crap shoot! Do what you feel is best and see what happens. At my age, most men can't handle it.

[Elwood]

I believe that I wouldn't say it right away. It is never good to dump baggage on someone as soon as you start dating. It feels like you're chasing them away. But I would tell them earlier than well, close intimacy occurred.

[soldierjane]

I haven't had a date yet now that I'm full time, but I have asked myself this question quite a few times.
I suspect I would tell them sometime during the first date. If a chance doesn't arise I would most certainly
tell them on the second date. I just wouldn't feel comfortable with them not knowing for two reasons:

1) I'd feel like I'm hiding a piece of myself. I don't necessarily want to be seen as trans my whole life, but I'm
hoping to find someone who sees it as just another interesting aspect of who I am while still seeing me as a girl.
How possible this is, I don't know.

2) I'd rather get it over with before I get too attached just in case they don't react well.

Unfortunately, telling this early also gives them a convenient way out and you are left to pick up the pieces after exposing yourself. 🙁

[fae_reborn]

I've been thinking about dating a lot recently.  I've reached a point in my life, and perhaps my transition, where I'd like to have a partner, but I'm not sure how or even where to begin looking for one.  I was pretty introverted for most of my adolescence, and I'm pretty sure I don't "get" the concept of dating at all.  I've talked to some of my gg girlfriends about hooking up.  Most are hetero and don't want to, a few who are bi, or lesbian like me are either taken, and the ones that aren't haven't expressed any interest.

My biggest problem I think, is that since I've decided only on an Orchi, that if I'm dating someone and become intimate with them, then we might run into problems.  I think that's why I've "avoided" dating: I'm afraid that I'll either a.) fall for a friend and they won't feel the same and it'll ruin the relationship, or b.) If I were to become intimate with someone I've only been dating for a while, they might hurt me physically if they find out, and that's what really scares me.  I've heard too many horror stories of women like me who've not told, and were beaten up or worse.  I don't want that to happen to me.

Jenn

[trapthavok]

I've been thinking about dating a lot recently.  I've reached a point in my life, and perhaps my transition, where I'd like to have a partner, but I'm not sure how or even where to begin looking for one.  I was pretty introverted for most of my adolescence, and I'm pretty sure I don't "get" the concept of dating at all.  I've talked to some of my gg girlfriends about hooking up.  Most are hetero and don't want to, a few who are bi, or lesbian like me are either taken, and the ones that aren't haven't expressed any interest.

My biggest problem I think, is that since I've decided only on an Orchi, that if I'm dating someone and become intimate with them, then we might run into problems.  I think that's why I've "avoided" dating: I'm afraid that I'll either a.) fall for a friend and they won't feel the same and it'll ruin the relationship, or b.) If I were to become intimate with someone I've only been dating for a while, they might hurt me physically if they find out, and that's what really scares me.  I've heard too many horror stories of women like me who've not told, and were beaten up or worse.  I don't want that to happen to me.

Jenn

Funny thing is, some of what you said applies to me too. I've been introvert most of my life until now, I'm finally starting to come out of my skin... Still, it doesn't mean I suddenly know where it is I'm supposed to meet people. It sucks that sometimes I tell my friend I'm doing online searches but not finding anyone, she asks like she's interested and wants to join too, then goes "oh no! online dating is dumb!" That's great, I'm glad people like you don't have trouble meeting people but maybe the rest of us do, okay? Don't judge me.  I've also given whether or not I'm actually looking for a date or sexual interactions...and realized that I'm really more interested in the idea of a girlfriend than I am in the actual act of sex, no matter how often I crack sex jokes.

But I'm also afraid of putting myself out on the line. I'm not going to out myself right away to whoever I date but I don't want to wait too long, like...say when I begin to get attached either. It's a tricky decision...

Oh yeah and I'm only attracted to women (bio or not) and I only have lesbian friends 😕 Wouldn't be a problem if my brain wasn't telling me I'm not one of them..

[Northern Jane]

For anybody who's interested, I happened to discuss this topic with my therapist earlier this week. (I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago to lay to rest some childhood ghosts and it has continued into 'improving life' stuff.)

I am 59 and I find that most men in my age range are REALLY narrow minded and homophobic. For them, finding that they are seeing someone who wasn't "born normal female" can be quite disturbing so my last session dealt with how to bring it up with a man without panicking him.

My therapists' advice was "go slow, in small steps, watch his reaction, and don't go to the next step until he is ready". As she said, we have had years to adjust to all this and think about it so it is going to take some time for the guy to comfortably cover the same ground.

Her suggested steps were:
1 - let him get to know you and avoid any emotional connection for awhile (both ways)
2 - go some place where you are likely to encounter Gays, Lesbians, or other "non-standard people" and see what his reaction is. Make a favourable comment to show your openness (if you have to) to see how he feels about such things
3 - don't just TELL him about your past in one great swoop - lead into it slowly. You can mention "a troubled childhood" but don't go into details. Later, when he asks, add more detail, and slowly work up to the whole truth.
4 - Give him time to digest the information at every step and don't go forward until he is comfortable.

Since I have just met somebody new, it is time to try this out and see if it works (provided I don't jump his bones at the first opportunity!  😮 )

[Kimberly]

I am out and pretty open about the whole thing so my current partners knew before anything happened.

I am just going to "Ditto" as it is easier; Most of my interaction is textual which helps, but the setup is the same.

[Laura Eva B]

I've never told any guy I've dated, but I'm really new to the concept and nothing serious has lasted beyond the 3rd date (I'm fussy).

And yes I've had sex a couple of times on a "one night stand" without feeling any obligation to tell .

Sure I have my "perfect guy" who I've been out with a dozen times but all he seems to want is friendship ... maybe I just don't turn him on ... maybe he's "read" me and is too polite to tell ?

Tomorrow I have my 5th date with with John, who really fancies me but is ever so shy and inexperienced (he's never pushed me for sex and he's clumsy with even kissing !), I know so many of his friends and he seems so proud to introduce me to them ... but his friends are all more interesting than he is (but all taken) ... and I do need a guy to have common cultural interests and a higher status better paid job than me - which creates problems.

As its a relationship probably going nowhere but longterm friendship there's no pressure to tell, but I feel bad that I'm using this really nice guy to gain experience and to hook into a social circle where I might just meet someone better.

When do I tell ... I've never reached that point ... and when I do  I guess I expect rejection from any desirable guy.

Maybe John would accept me (I feel he might) but then I feel that like so many TS women I would be compromising my partnership prospects just because I'm a TS woman ?

Laura x

[Keira]

The problem with telling slowly is that most men and women I know in this
province do a LOT of physical contact by the third date... So... That's not
a lot of time to take it slow.

The whole thing just sucks.