Spouse under high stress - should coming out wait?

[Jeneva]

If a spouse is under a lot of stress from external issues should coming out be delayed?

I fully agree that she has a right to know because of our promises, but should I wait till she has less stuff crushing her?

The past two and a half months I've been trying to come to terms instead of retreating back into denial again.  Perhaps I should have mentioned something when it first flared back up.  Or maybe I should have mentioned it on during a previous struggle.  Even though it probably wasn't fair/right I didn't and what is done is done. 

While I was contemplating my navel we've had some major changes.  One of our children was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  As a result of that she quit being a stay-at-home mom and started working again.  She has been back about a week now.  She seems to have finally accepted diabetes, but is still very stressed over going back to work.

Should I let he get back on her feet before I tell?  (IE don't hit her while she is down)   I'm not trying to weasel out of anything.  I do still love her very much and don't want to hurt her more than I already am because I timed it badly. 

[Nero]

I'd wait. On top of a sick kid and everything, this might be too much right now and may overwhelm her and make her feel like her whole world is coming apart at once. Good idea to wait to things calm down.

[sd]

I agree with Nero, wait, allow her to get back in control.

[Kimberly]

Perhaps it would be worth mentioning that you have something very important to say but that you don't want to add to her stress and such like? ... I would appreciate that at least I do think.

[tekla]

Is what you want more important than what she needs?  Only you know that.

[soldierjane]

Yes.

[vanna]

yes id have to agree too,

i guess theres never a good time to drop the gender bombshell god knows ive been trying to light mine for years but my older prison break brother keeps stressing mum out and i just cant bear to do that to her.

I would say that your wife needs some clear air infront of her before you get around to telling her hun, its going to be tough, i wish you all the best.

Hugs"

[Krisstina]

I agree! you have waited God knows how long already!So if you mind and hart tells you this is not an appropriate time then it probably is not the best time.

Right there is know good time for such a thing as coming out to a spouse but there is a worst possible time. I wouldn't want to pick that time to come out..

Be patient keep thinking everything through as you are it really helps everyone evolved !!!!


Kristina

[lizard]

just be careful... its never a good time to tell them.. or so it seems.  I did that with my wife... it was "oh she has a lot of stress at work" or "oh her car just broke down and shes stressed about that" or "oh its that time of the month for her"

So.. i dunno.. it may be worth waiting a bit so its not a horrible time to tell... but just make sure you arnt making excuses.

[Jeneva]

I couldn't not tell and broke down Sunday night.  I was wallowing in guilt.  It did seem that for her everything was settling down (at least as much as it would).  We'd hosted company for lunch and done several odd jobs around the house and she seemed to be in good spirits.  I was also afraid that just like lizard said that there would always been something going on and I'd use the excuses to keep hiding this from her.

And here I thought posting a coming out to myself message was hard and hurt.  She seemed really confused, hurt, and scared.  There were a LOT of whys.  I'm sure she is still working through that specific conversation, but she hasn't asked me to leave or sleep in another room.  She even held me when I cried in response to her saying she still loved me.  She was dead set against SRS (and probably hormones but that got put both ways so I'm not sure).  I'm not sure the SRS opposition was as much from her as from fear of how the rest of the world would react based on what she was talking about.  As long as I kept it hidden from our children dressing was ok.  I bicycle so I got a green light for arm/leg shaving since I had a public excuse.  Even facial electrolysis was ok. 

I have to move glacially slow because I expect to lose my job when I come out there so I've got to both pay off as much stuff and save up for electrolysis/FFS/SRS.  So a 3-4 year transition is the quickest I could have done.  She wants to see if I can find a compromise stopping point.  I didn't promise I would (because I can't honestly make that promise and mean it based on where I am today), but I did promise to try.  I will honestly try though, luckily because of a certain set of circumstances I have as much as 5-6 hours a weekday at home by myself so maybe that will let me stay sane without going through the whole process.

Of course this was all just spur of the moment reaction and it may be that when she gets home today I get told to take a hike you sick pervert.

Sorry to ask everyone and then not listen, but it ended up more of an emotional decision vs a logical one.

BTW: She did say that even though now was a sucky time it was better than later (although she said a Friday would be better than a Sunday in the future [we both use humor to cope])

[vanna]

No your just gathering opinions hiddenflame

Only you know the best way to approach your wife and your life. I was in a very similar position I came out to my fiancee which went well then went then not so well so basically she went from very supportive to not wanting to touch me with a 40mile barge pole...ohh well

The 3-4 year idea is a great one im following the same idea, coming out to early can be devastating to your life if your not ready and I know of another transgirl stuck in suicide ally because she came out, cant find any work and has to rely on the state for any ffs electro ect which they don't fund let alone trying to get srs.

Doing what you can now will help so much later on especially from a financial point of view and you cant put a price on piece of mind.

[April221]

Stress is part of life, and as an adult, she should be able to deal with things. I don't know your wife or how she deals with changes in her life, but I wouldn't wait long at all. Going back to work will be followed by the stress of having to get up every day and going to work, and dealing with co workers could be stressful. A diabetic child while definitely serious is something that can and will be managed medically. It's part of being a parent.

I'm a firm believer in taking control of my life. Whatever your feelings are, they'll only get stronger over time. They do not go away.  I would give a great deal of thought as to what I would like to do with my life. Do you intend on transitioning? Are you interested in HRT? What do YOU hope for in the future? Make your own decisions, and take it from there, or you'll never be happy.

I can easily understand your concern for your wife's feelings, but you aren't describing anything that should really leave her on the floor. She's a big girl.