Internal suffering

[coolJ]

I also wanted to know why in a reletively short time I almost totally lost the ability to fool myself and does this happen often? Also the urge to put my wifes clothes on is almost unstoppable(the strech stuff only) Is this because of mid life crisis too? Please bear with me because Im sure these are naieve questions but I really do appretiate the help! I hope someday I can be the one to help somebody only time will tell. 

That depends on the individual. In some cases it can be a burning need right from the get go, and you know early on that something is different, exactly what that is, and that you have to do something about it. But at other times it can be like a volcano erupting, for years the magma of feeling that something isn't right builds up and builds up, little clues and thoughts invading the mind like escaping bursts of hot gases... until eventually the pressure becomes too great and the self-image of physical/recieved gender erupts in an explosion of self-awareness and acceptance of the core/percieved gender.

As for the cross dressing, it may just be a desire to express externally the feelings you have internally, your femininity and womanliness. You have this realisation, but no way to channel it... what other way than to desire to dress in the apparel of the gender you percieve yourself to be? Nothing unusual in that, honey.

Self denial is a sturdy cage. And the effort taken to release yourself from it can affect a lot of momentum once you're out.

I forgot to ask why Im still strongly attracted to women ? Does this change after transition? Thanks to all for your patience.

Not necessarily. Physical/sexual attraction isn't linked to gender identity. You may be a straight guy externally but a gay girl internally. There's nothing wrong with that, and your attraction to women doesn't make your feelings of being one any less real or valid because you may think that being a woman means you have to be attracted to men. It doesn't work that way.

Nothing wrong with being gay, honey. *smiles* It doesn't change who you are as a person. So you're a gay woman, welcome to the club. *hugs*


First and formost I want to thank you.Everything you wrote feels like me and I have absolutely no problem with being a gay woman. In fact when I read that I feel really great and right despite being a Catholic. Secondly when I began reading this post I started trembling almost uncontrolably. It took me 10 minutes to finally read your post then I had to log off and I trembled for about an hour almost not being able to stand. I really dont think Im crazy so Ive got to ask if this is normal too?  ???I have a 4 year college degree so Im not some kind of imbecile. I just want to know what you think of this. As I said before Ive played my role well so I got in a fighting stance and almost couldnt stand-I dont drink or take drugs, physically I am very healthy so I know Im not halucinating and if Im creeping anyone out Im sorry but thats whats been going on Im just being honest. And Im happy to be part of your family and thanks again for all your warm welcomes! Hugs back!

[KylieLuv]

Dearest CoolJ - I have a fantastic life. My wife is incredible. My young children are 10 and 11 years old and are marvelous. Money is not a problem. But my life is hell. I cannot move beyond my own selfishness to hurt them. So I suffer daily. Sorry, I'm drunk and full of meds. Oh well.

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 11:27:48 PMSorry for this post. My computer is running out of battery. I'm Ok and just going to bed. Thank you all.

[coolJ]

Dearest CoolJ - I have a fantastic life. My wife is incredible. My young children are 10 and 11 years old and are marvelous. Money is not a problem. But my life is hell. I cannot move beyond my own selfishness to hurt them. So I suffer daily. Sorry, I'm drunk and full of meds. Oh well.

Posted on: September 19, 2008, 11:27:48 PMSorry for this post. My computer is running out of battery. I'm Ok and just going to bed. Thank you all.

Wow, I know exactly what you mean! Im with you in spirit!

[Sephirah]

First and formost I want to thank you.Everything you wrote feels like me and I have absolutely no problem with being a gay woman. In fact when I read that I feel really great and right despite being a Catholic. Secondly when I began reading this post I started trembling almost uncontrolably. It took me 10 minutes to finally read your post then I had to log off and I trembled for about an hour almost not being able to stand. I really dont think Im crazy so Ive got to ask if this is normal too?  ???I have a 4 year college degree so Im not some kind of imbecile. I just want to know what you think of this. As I said before Ive played my role well so I got in a fighting stance and almost couldnt stand-I dont drink or take drugs, physically I am very healthy so I know Im not halucinating and if Im creeping anyone out Im sorry but thats whats been going on Im just being honest. And Im happy to be part of your family and thanks again for all your warm welcomes! Hugs back!

Don't worry about whether any of this is 'normal', honey. *hugs* It is what it is, and you are who you are. You are in no way crazy or an imbecile... from what I've seen, you're a woman who's only just coming to terms with who she is... and that can be a bombshell to rival Hiroshima.

Take it slowly, and take a few deep breaths to get your bearings. Knowing yourself is one of the most liberating things you can achieve, and also one of the scariest. And that can be a physical sensation as well as mental.

I know the euphoric feeling you're talking about. I had it when I first came here, too. It's called resonance, sweetie. Identification, a feeling of belonging. Not too bad, is it?

Just let it flow, honey. There's nothing 'wrong' with you at all. Take some time to explore your feelings. You don't have to say anything to anyone until you're ready, or not, whatever you feel is best in your situation. But you can take all the time you need to contemplate yourself, who you see yourself as, and what that means to you.

[coolJ]

First and formost I want to thank you.Everything you wrote feels like me and I have absolutely no problem with being a gay woman. In fact when I read that I feel really great and right despite being a Catholic. Secondly when I began reading this post I started trembling almost uncontrolably. It took me 10 minutes to finally read your post then I had to log off and I trembled for about an hour almost not being able to stand. I really dont think Im crazy so Ive got to ask if this is normal too?  ???I have a 4 year college degree so Im not some kind of imbecile. I just want to know what you think of this. As I said before Ive played my role well so I got in a fighting stance and almost couldnt stand-I dont drink or take drugs, physically I am very healthy so I know Im not halucinating and if Im creeping anyone out Im sorry but thats whats been going on Im just being honest. And Im happy to be part of your family and thanks again for all your warm welcomes! Hugs back!

Don't worry about whether any of this is 'normal', honey. *hugs* It is what it is, and you are who you are. You are in no way crazy or an imbecile... from what I've seen, you're a woman who's only just coming to terms with who she is... and that can be a bombshell to rival Hiroshima.

Take it slowly, and take a few deep breaths to get your bearings. Knowing yourself is one of the most liberating things you can achieve, and also one of the scariest. And that can be a physical sensation as well as mental.

I know the euphoric feeling you're talking about. I had it when I first came here, too. It's called resonance, sweetie. Identification, a feeling of belonging. Not too bad, is it?

Just let it flow, honey. There's nothing 'wrong' with you at all. Take some time to explore your feelings. You don't have to say anything to anyone until you're ready, or not, whatever you feel is best in your situation. But you can take all the time you need to contemplate yourself, who you see yourself as, and what that means to you.

Your the best Leiandra! I cant thank you enough for helping me. And yep the resonance felt great I was just scared I guess cause Im not used to it. And Im actually surprised my wife dosent have any intuition on me at all. It might just be the busy schedual she keeps because shes a great mom and daughter and wife but Im thinking she really wont believe or understand me on purpose because she's a very fearful person.As far as contemplating this has been consuming my thoughts almost every minute! Ive got to be the worlds greatest actress and hider. I also cant believe Ive gotten away with this this long I must hold the record or something.
Right now Im going to keep the truth hidden but maybe someday I'll really get to be who I am inside-just thinking that makes me feel awesome!And I really want to share this with my wife but I know she would not be able to handle it right now. Its really getting hard to look at my body too, Im usually an upbeat person but lately thats really been depressing me. Another problem is my wife loves the way I look and I hate it! Id really be an ugly woman and that bothers me too. But Im going to end this on a positive note and that is Im joyful and happy for everybody here who was able to be who they really are. :laugh:Im extremely happy for all of you-yay and many hugs!

Posted on: September 20, 2008, 01:31:56 AMOh yeah more good news because I hate to make anyone down and this may be silly but one great thing about my body is I have no visable adams apple! My feet are a 10(too big) but my hands both have the same size ring and forfinger and are only slightly bigger than my wifes hands! She is a knockout by the way!  :So as trapped and crappy as I might feel hiding I still have a lot to be happy for. If I could only be me Id have it all!!! Well I hope this cheers some up anyway!

[tgirljuliewilson]

There are more like you, and in similar circumstances, than you can imagine.

To grow up behaving as a male to please ones parents, then continue in the role as a husband and then father, is painfully all too common.  You are NOT alone.

Many find comfort in being as feminine as can be only when the chance permits--when the wife is out of town, say, or when you're travelling away from home.  These temporary and fleeting times are rewarding and comforting, and, if they last long enough, are difficult to come out of, and back to the act of being the good man, the role life has cast you in--and a role you cannot withdraw from easily.

Honor and integrity to oneself are funny things.  And yet, at what cost?  To steal little secret moments of being female, with scandle if caught?

You are fighting a familiar and painful fight to many of us.  I'm afraid there are no easy answers, but to be comfortable in ones own skin----however modified that skin may be from time, HRT, FFS, etc.---is not to be underestimated.

Just my 2 cents...

[cindybc]

Hi cool, I guess I am a mite tardy huh, well it's better late the never they say. First I want to welcome you to Susan's here as well and I do pray that we will cross paths again soon. Ah, by the way you are quite right about Leiandra. She's precious that one got a good heart and she cares.

If there is anyway I can help as well, to be certain I will be around here somewhere. Me well I'm I am 62 years old had three children of my own but my ex and the rest of the family I guess just decided to pretend I'm a ghost, yea Casper's sister. Oh well that's in the past. I been living as Cindy for coming on to 9 years now and I have a partner so I am not alone.

Have a wonderful morning and I do pray that all will work out for you.

Cindy

[coolJ]

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I really appretiate the advice. I think I might get a therapist for this and maybe try and tell my wife. Ever since I acknowledged the truth its been getting almost dehibilitating for me to even function. I really just wanted to take it slow and let it go where it goes on its own but yesterday I almost blacked out while driving my truck! Its getting apparent that I cant handle this. Ive never been like this my entire life. To be honest Ive always been the strongest in my circle and looked upon for support and help. Now I'm getting a humbling wake up call I guess but I cant even turn to my wife who I need the most right now.  Her mom is sick and the family would probably not be too understanding. Its just amazing nobody I know has a clue about this! Is there any reason to have blackouts and shakes and is theyre any supplements I can take to control this? The thing that really sucks is the one freind I have that would accept me is very sick and I cant put anything more on him now. I hate not knowing what to do and the situation Im in but its funny when I think of trying to deny the desire to be woman It makes me sick to my stomach and I cant even think it. I wouldnt want that ever even if I have to stay in this body for the rest of my life I would rather suffer knowing Im a woman inside than otherwise. I just wish I could control the shakes and phaze outs. Ill let you all know how it goes. Its just flipin amazing how on one hand I'm not scarred of just about anything but on the other losing my wife and family just terrifies me. Not being myself makes me just plain sick. Iwish I was in a unique situation because I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.

[cindybc]

Hi coolJ hon It is not a sign weakness although it might appear to be that way. I will describe briefly for you. This phenomena that is labeled as GID is quit capable of taking Paul Bunyan by the hand and making him get on his knees and say mommy then take up to wearing very large skirts.  Well sometimes I kind of like using cartoon like character to use as an illustration. I hope you don't mind a bit of humor.

Seeing a therapist makes for a truly useful plan hon, A gender therapist is the best qualified for helping anyone suffering from GID.

Cindy

[DeValInDisguise]

Hello and welcome to Susans, coolJ. 

Definitely get a therapist.  Dealing with GID in a proper manner is likely as out of your experience as it was for me.  A therapist can provide a lot of support and help you figure out who you are.  Plus the therapist can help you plan for and deal with issues related to coming out. 

And no, I wouldn't wish this on anyone either, not even my worst enemy.

Val

[lizard]

it took me over a year to finally come out to my wife.  It was a very long and painful process.  I literally made myself sick to my stomach... like my stomach tried to eat itself.  I had this upset stomach for over a year, saw countless doctors, missed a lot of work, etc etc, and am only NOW starting to return to normal.  All this because of the stress, the GID, the worrying about my family, my wife, whether or not i can actually do this, the depression, etc etc.

Its amazing how much better i feel now.  My mother (who does not know) has commented on how much happier ive been sounding on the phone and everything.  So its noticeable

[coolJ]

I dont think Im going to be able to stand another week of this. Im in some serious trouble. Im gonna have to find a therapist in secret and thats not gonna be easy. And my wife wont stay married to me if I do what I want to. I dont know why I cant just live with this in the background anymore. Im fleepin ruined and its my own fault.Paul bunion is crying mommy mommy. My strength is waining and I cant believe this is happening-it went from pretty good to almost dead. I gotta do something yet Icant this is just great...

[Ms.Behavin]

Hi CoolJ

I was in your shoes a few years ago.  Well I was devorced from a first marriage, but had a new SO and my Kids too.  I thought I would just not tansistion.   Well we all know how that worked out.  I found that I was transistioning while still in denial. My SO Did leave me, but we're actually still friends.  My Kids are fine with me (13,16 and 17) for which I'm truely thankful.  My southern Baptist aunts, well, while they don't understand it, I'm still family. 

It is really hard and scary and we where jusborn that way.  Life after transistion is possible, though not the same life as before.

Be brave, and what ever you decide, we at susan's have been there done that. 

Hang in there

Beni

[coolJ]

The problem is im 19 years married in october. I love my wife more than anything and I cant bear to lose her.But this feeling is almost uncontrolable damn. Ive gotta up my life insurance I think. I wanna be positive but . Sorry thanks for your advice I do appretiate it.

[trbrink]

I dont think Im going to be able to stand another week of this. Im in some serious trouble. Im gonna have to find a therapist in secret and thats not gonna be easy. And my wife wont stay married to me if I do what I want to. I dont know why I cant just live with this in the background anymore. Im fleepin ruined and its my own fault.Paul bunion is crying mommy mommy. My strength is waining and I cant believe this is happening-it went from pretty good to almost dead. I gotta do something yet Icant this is just great...

I don't want to be a buzz kill, but the bottom line is this.....you have to tell your wife....and immediately. It may not be the best time, but select the best available time as possible, and tell her that you are having these feelings. Tell her that it is causing you significant anxiety, and you want to see a therapist.  You don't need to say at this point you want to change genders ...just that you want to talk to a therapist about these feelings that are causing you anxiety. If she wants to leave you already at this point, you have to decide right then, do I want to be with someone that isn't even concerned that I have an issue that is causing significant anxiety?

If you see a therapist behind your wife's back you are violating her trust.  This is far worse and will be far more damaging to the relationship in the long run.  Even if you determine that you don't have GID and you were just "going through a phase", if your wife discovers after the fact that you went to a therapist behind her back, she is going to feel betrayed.  You would not want to be kept in the dark if your wife was dealing with a significant personal issue....don't keep her in the dark about yours.

Best of luck, and I will keep my fingers crossed for you....just know that many of us have gone down this very road and we know what your going through.

[The Bri Girl]

I'm 34, I've only been in transition for 4 or 6 months (or 24 years, depends on your point of view) , heck I'm not even on HRT yet.  (hopefully later this week though!).
But I was married, and my ex is extremely supportive.  I'm glad I didn't have kids, it simplifies things, but I found I couldn't role play a guy anymore no matter what the little danglie thing down there said.  Once I admitted it to me, my whole past lined up and I could have smacked myself like the v-8 commercial.  Now I find support all around me.  I really think attitude helps.  When I'm looking for/expecting people to be kind and supportive, and I value myself enough to not let my fears be in the way of self honesty, I find other people adapt to change pretty well.  If I'm ashamed and downcast going into something, it nearly always flubs.

Posted on: September 21, 2008, 10:10:46 PMAck, didn't finish.
     Rigorous honesty will save you lots of pain down the road.  I tried to hide it from everyone.  I tried the chameleon act, I ended up fetal in a white room on the psych floor of St. Joseph's.   My little dishonesties meant to save my friends and family from pain wound up like hooks with barbs.  When I did get honest, the lies hurt everyone, and hurt me too.  I know it can seem like the end of the world, like you are trapped and if you come out everything in your life falls apart, and if you stay where you are you die.  I don't think those emotions are unfamiliar to any of us.  Try to find a good therapist, and don't be afraid to fire them until you find one that you can develop a good relationship with.  It's vital that you trust your therapist enough to be honest down to the core.  As for others in your life, I wish I'd taken the pain of honesty over the pain of a long hurtful reveal.  And still, after all was said and done, I found it was much easier than my fears had led me to believe it could be.

[funnygrl]

welcome coolj!!!

[Andi]

CoolJ,
I am not far from where you are.  I have been married for 25 years next June.  I have three children and my youngest son (19) leaves for boot camp today.  I don't want to do anything that will hurt my relationship with my family.

I, however had been secreatly been expressing my need to be a woman any chance I got.  I talked my wife into dressing me from time to time through the years when we had sex as though it was just having some fun.

About a year ago, I told her of my real desires to become a woman while camping.  let me tell you, that was the hardest thing I have ever done.  After us both crying and talking for hours, she said she would support me.  On some level I think she will support me but on others, i'm not so sure.  On out last camping trip, I was able to dress appropiately including mak-up for several days with her assistance.  She even is asking me if I like a particular dress for me while we shop for her.

Anyway, my fist appointment with a tharapist is in two days and I can't sit still thinking about it.  It's just liberating thinking that I am moving forward to whever this take me.

Andi