Very Scared

[prbc]

I am 34 and I recently got engaged. When I was very little I started cross dressing a lot, and I really wanted to be a girl. In my teens, I became embarrassed by this, and I really stopped cross dressing by the time I entered college. I never really had much luck dating, but I met a woman a few years ago, and we are now engaged. Part of my problem is I think about being a woman when we have sex, and the thought of being a woman does cause significant arousal. I don't think about being a woman all the time, although sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a very strong desire to be female. I went to therapy twice (once in 2006 and once last fall). After I went to therapy that one time in March of 2006 I took hormones for three weeks, but then stopped. After I went to therapy once in November, I started having insomnia, and I still have difficulty sleeping, so I am a little scared of therapy ( I have to use Ambien to sleep). I am currently not in therapy because i am sooo scared about the insomnia thing. I went in November of 2007 and I even made an appointment for a second meeting. That is when I started having insomnia. The therapist asked me why I continued to get arroused at the thought of being a woman. At the end of the session, I said because I think I want to be a woman (my heart was beating). Then I started with the insomnia and I emailed her about it. I signed the emails with a female name and then she referred me to a gender specialist. I never went because I got scared that I would go as part of my fetish because I do find the thought of being a woman to be very arrousing

Any thoughts anyone might have would be appreciated.

Catherine

[NicholeW.]

I am 34 and I recently got engaged. When I was very little I started cross dressing a lot, and I really wanted to be a girl. In my teens, I became embarrassed by this, and I really stopped cross dressing by the time I entered college. I never really had much luck dating, but I met a woman a few years ago, and we are now engaged. Part of my problem is I think about being a woman when we have sex, and the thought of being a woman does cause significant arousal. I don't think about being a woman all the time, although sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a very strong desire to be female. I went to therapy twice (once in 2006 and once last fall). After I went to therapy that one time in March of 2006 I took hormones for three weeks, but then stopped. After I went to therapy once in November, I started having insomnia, and I still have difficulty sleeping, so I am a little scared of therapy ( I have to use Ambien to sleep). I am currently not in therapy because i am sooo scared about the insomnia thing. I went in November of 2007 and I even made an appointment for a second meeting. That is when I started having insomnia. The therapist asked me why I continued to get arroused at the thought of being a woman. At the end of the session, I said because I think I want to be a woman (my heart was beating). Then I started with the insomnia and I emailed her about it. I signed the emails with a female name and then she referred me to a gender specialist. I never went because I got scared that I would go as part of my fetish because I do find the thought of being a woman to be very arrousing

Any thoughts anyone might have would be appreciated.

Catherine

First, my dear, the business of giving you the formal greeting and rundown:

Welcome to Susan's, Catherine_Elaine!

Please take some time to read The Site Rules and on The Main Page you can discover Links, Chat and Wiki for your use as well. You might also want to go to the "Announcements" section and read the two posts "Post Ranks" and "Reputation Rules" to help you with some knowledge about when you can apply your own avatars, PM, and what those lil stars mean beneath all of our names and how to get them for yourself as well!!

It's great to have you here! Enjoy your stay.

That done: please put the fetish ideas out of your mind. One, because the entire fetish idea is a red-herring based on a presumption by males that females have no fetishistic behaviors and thoughts. Yet another great deception by the males thinking they know what they are simply not told.

A lot of women fantasize about being made love to, and guess what, when we do we have female bodies!! What a wonder!! Your therapists might even own that herself to you someday!!

But the biggie is Two: You are not being helped at all, and perhaps even hurt, by this obsession about whether or not you are fetishizing yourself. Ya know, sweetie, maybe you are simply a woman and need you body to conform to that configuration. In fact, I would suspect that you are and do.

Only you can answer that though, no one else. But avoiding therpay because you are worried about fantasies you have is just not helpful for you. If you are going to transition you're going to need someone you can talk with about your internal self and someone who may be able to give you advice about the best ways to go about doing that as well.

To avoid the therapist because you are afraid of what someone is going to find out about you seems to me like it's spiting yourself to maintain a pose anyhow. What's most important to you? The pose or the transition?

Please do not, imo, place too much credence in either the writings of Anne Lawrence and her buddies not should you place too much credence in what other TSes are likely to say in this regard. I mean heck!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fetishism

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual attraction to materials and objects not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature; the term was first introduced by Alfred Binet,[1] the psychologist better known for inventing IQ testing. Fetishism is diagnosable as a paraphilia in the DSM and the ICD, but only if the fetish causes significant distress for the person or has detrimental effects on important areas of his or her life. Many people embrace their fetishes rather than seek treatment to attempt to be rid of them. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes (also known as partialism) in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner. Sexual fetishism may be regarded as a disorder of sexual preference, or as an enhancing element to a relationship.[2] .
In a review of the files of all cases over a 20 year period who met criteria for an non-transvestic fetishes in a teaching hospital, 48 cases were identified, and the objects of their fetishes included clothing (58.3%), rubber and rubber items (22.9%), footwear (14.6%), body parts (14.6%), leather and leather items (10.4%), and soft materials and fabrics (6.3%).[3]

BTW, do not try to do a link that way at home, it violates the Site Rules

Site staff may at their discretion provide links to other web sites, in order to provide informational resources to Susan's Place users, this is a privilege I feel that they have earned. If you are interested in this ability volunteer for the Chat, Forums, Links, or Wiki.

Since I am staff and this may be educational for you I can link it. And it's not a nasty site, just a dictionary-type meaning and explanation.

Your body, luv, is not an inanimate object. The liberties taken by the "fetish" arguers are gross and all-too-evident. Last I checked a body is an animate object! Try to overcome your fear through some factual knowledge and leave Ms. Lawrence and her friends to contemplate the significance of their own navels.

That, I think, is the best advice I can give you.



Nichole

[prbc]

Thanks, Nichole. I appreciate your response. I get very worried about therapy beause I didn't sleep for two nights after the appointment in November. I called a therapist (and she called me back) in January and I didn't sleep that night even though I didn't actually talk to her. I am still on sleeping medication almost a year after I went, so I very scared.

Catherine

[Rachel]

well it seems your mind might be trying to run away from something, and therepy might be how you solve it.  If you talk to someone, get to understand things, you might be able to better put it fourth to your fiancee.  If you do nothing about it, it can only get worse, and then it might ruin your marraige anyway.  Better to find out a problem earlier and understand the solution, then to find out the solution when its already too late.

[prbc]

I have thought about that. I start feeling very guilty when I think that this might meen I have to call off the wedding. I feel very bad for my fiancee because she is a lovely woman.

[Rachel]

well dont feel guilty, you were thrown this card, and while it is bad, you have to work with what you have and make your life better.  I would talk to a gender therapist to understand this, and when your ready, talk to your fiancee.  If you don't do anything though, it wont help, it will only make things worse.

[prbc]

I do feel like this is coming to a head. I dream about it at night, so hopefully I don't talk in my sleep.

[NicholeW.]

Catherine, it sounds very much like you've managed to indice an obsession within yourself. Actually, more than simply one. It started with your own concern about your own reality, burgeoned into thoughts about what a therapist has to do with your inability to sleep and now has managed to insert itself into your marriage plans.

A good look at your own thought-processes might be helpful.

Did you obsess on things prior to coming to think you were TS? Have you had other times when you wre insomniac? Were they associated with getting your mind on something and not being able to stop thinking and obsessing about it?

You obviously don't need to answer any of that openly. The questions are simply for you anyway. Hope that helps.

Nichole

[prbc]

Well, the insomnia is new. I have never really obsessed over anything else, though.

[vanna]

Hi Catherine

welcome to susans, i had to call off my own wedding for all the same thoughts and feelings you had and seek my own new life but you know what only you know how far you need to go to feel better and as already explained much more concise than i could you need a therapist to dig out the feelings and where they are going to take you.

They are there to help not hinder if they are any good, GID comes in many shapes and forms that we can often live with if helped so no need to push the panic button just yet.

anyway a hug and warm welcome.

VannaX

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Catherine,

Welcome to our little family. Over 1800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another member.

Two things I find interesting. One your screen name And two the gender you selected.  But I must say that you need to go see a therapist, if not for your own sake, for your impending wedding.  No therapist would tell you not to get married.  It seems to me that you are letting thing snowball and this can cause greater pains for you later down the road.  For your self and your prospective brride, Go see a gender therapist.

Listen to what Nichole said, she knows.  We all seem to turn to her in times of need.

Janet

[prbc]

Ok, ok. You all convinced me. I guess I will make an appointment with a gender specialist and see what happens. I guess I need to deal with this issue at some point.

[Sandy]

Ok, ok. You all convinced me. I guess I will make an appointment with a gender specialist and see what happens. I guess I need to deal with this issue at some point.

That's a good thing, Cathrine!

Remember that a therapist doesn't *cure* you the way a doctor may cure a disease or injury.  A therapist helps you find a way to cure yourself.  They help you to learn how to deal with your feelings and place them into perspective.

And as has been said, though perhaps not clearly, you must be open, clear and honest with your therapist in order for the therapy to have any effect.

I question why you have such a problem with going to a therapist.  Are you afraid of telling them about yourself?  Do you think they will hold you in poor regard because you have feelings of wanting to be a woman?  Trust me, honey, they've heard a lot worse!  And if you are going to a gender therapist they *expect* you to have those feelings!

Also as medical professionals, they have compassion for their clients.  Otherwise they wouldn't be in the position in the first place.  So there is no reason to hold back.

Cathrine, it sounds like you have yourself worked up into a tizzy over these feelings.  Please, just relax.  What you are feeling is normal.  And talking to a therapist will help you answer those questions that you have.

One thing I would recomend is that when you do sort out your feelings, please be honest with your fiance.  To keep this a secret from her isn't fair to her.  Sooner or later she'll find out or you'll tell her and she will feel crushed, not because you have feelings of being a woman, but becuase you didn't trust her enough to share yourself with her.  This has happened time and again with others like us.  It can seriously damage the relationship.

I wouldn't think that postponing your wedding is necessary, but do give a lot of thought to being honest with her, and yourself.

-Sandy

[Rachel]

Its good you have decided to do this, it will help you.

What Kassandra said though is true, be truthful with your therapist or your going to get nowhere with them.  They need to know what is going on to properly help you, so be truthful and honest or it wont help any and these feelings of yours will only get worse.

But Kassandra is also right when she says be honest with your Fiancee, you need to talk this over with her eventually (Preferably once you understand your feelings) because otherwise she would feel betrayed.  Just remember with your wife to look at it from her point of view, think about what she is dealing with and how she is feeling.

[NicholeW.]

Its good you have decided to do this, it will help you.

What Kassandra said though is true, be truthful with your therapist or your going to get nowhere with them.  They need to know what is going on to properly help you, so be truthful and honest or it wont help any and these feelings of yours will only get worse.

But Kassandra is also right when she says be honest with your Fiancee, you need to talk this over with her eventually (Preferably once you understand your feelings) because otherwise she would feel betrayed.  Just remember with your wife to look at it from her point of view, think about what she is dealing with and how she is feeling.

And try to remember this will be a MAJOR revelation for her as well and probably one she has given zero thought and emotion to as yet.

Nichole

[prbc]

Thank your Nichole and Rachel for your advice. I do try and think about it from her perspective because she deserves a MAN who can care for her and be a good father to her children. I get so scared when I think of her reaction because I am afraid this will devestate her.

[NicholeW.]

It may be best, my dear, that you allow her the decision about who and what she deserves. Perhaps things will fall out in a way that she will totally accept, or come to that point anyhow, who and what you are.

Not every narrative ends with disaster for all involved. Try to keep that in mind as well, Catherine.



Nichole

[Stealthgrrl]

Mhm, I too, had to think of myself as female for anything to happen sexually.

Perhaps this was due to the fact that I'm female!

In retrospect, this reaction and many others which confused me at the time, were simply due to my true nature asserting itself, and make perfect sense as seen through the truth that, yes, I'm a woman.

Fetish, my eye. This is about identity, who you are at your core, and I'll wager that's what's keeping you awake at night.

It won't just go away. Until you honour her, the woman you are isn't going to let you rest. Literally.

Listen to Nichole. I'm just the gum-popping sister. 

Welcome.

xo

Stealth

[NicholeW.]

Don't let her fool ya, Catherine, all that gum-popping is just a pose so people won't come streaming to her home for advice and guidance. >

N~

[Rachel]

you just need to do what is right for you, if you don't acknowlege the girl you are inside you will not sleep well.  Ever since I started my transition I've noticed I'm sleeping better, which is nice, I'm sleeping deeper too though.

Go to Therapy, and when you come to terms with who and what you are, then talk with your Fiancee, but let her talk to, listen more than you talk.