Quote from: Lindsey on August 27, 2008, 08:01:29 PM
To be totally honest, I didn't "know" anything until I was 15/16. I was a happy little girl, I didn't resist dresses until my same age boy cousin friend and I decided we couldn't play outside if I didn't change out of my church clothes, and even though I hung out exclusively with a boy, I didn't think *I* was a boy. I was happy with whatever I was.
My cousin and I played dolls together, yeah. He was a guy that liked barbies, and I was a girl that liked pretending. We'd play "surgery" on our dolls, and set up schoolrooms in his kitchen or my living room. We built forts and playhouses in his woods. We built tents in my room. We did a lot of stuff and I was never once concerned about any of it. It was fun. I was comfortable in my skin. I had confidence. It was a good childhood, and when I let my parents know about this, it's going to be the first thing I tell them. I was the happiest kid I could've ever been.
All that little-kid confidence I had packed inside of me started dripping away when I hit puberty.
I was completely happy at 12.
I was fine at 13, if a little awkward. Hell, but I didn't care yet.
I was pretty self-conscious at 14, when I tried hanging more with girls and realized that I wasn't the same as them.
I was downright depressed at 15, and by 16, I was giving up hope.
I thought my problem was random depression and social isolation. I've been homeschooled my whole life, and when I stopped hanging with the girl scout crowd, that left my cousin and my girl best friend. I saw my cousin maybe twice a year at this point and my best friend every month or so. I figured I'd be okay if I held out for college. I thought I could figure out who I am at that point, and it would all be better.
Around that time, I started having dysphoria issues, too. Not "I'm fat, I need to lose weight", but really weird stuff like a need to become more athletic. I started marathon walking and eating healthy. I lamented not fitting into my role as a teenage girl, and I felt like crap whenever my mom bought me something unisex or that was too baggy and therefore hid my curves. I was insecure in being a girl, and I felt the need to show off my girliness to compensate. I didn't want to separate myself even further by not looking like a proper girl.
Then I latched onto a few male musicians that I marked as my role models. I sang their songs, I played their piano pieces, and I wanted to be like them. I took immense interest in two of those guys' physical traits. They were small, with delicate frames, big eyes, pretty cheekbones and slim fingers. They weren't girly, but they had traits like mine. It took me the longest time to make that connection, but looking back, I think that was my turning point, my first real sign that I was having problems.
I renounced religion and self-declared bisexual. Don't ask why I thought not identifying with girls would make me a lesbian. I knew I was different, and having a lesbian cousin already, I figured that 'gay' was one way to express that. That pretty much went out the window when I got around to dating a girl and realized that I was completely uninterested in lesbian dating, however interested I was in women.
A few months after that fell apart, I was researching different branches of psychology to figure out what I wanted to major in for college. I found gender psychology, which fascinated me, and when I got to transsexuals, I didn't immediately say, "This is me". But it provoked a lot of thought. Seeing 'Boys Don't Cry' didn't make me think I was like Brandon Teena, either: but it fascinated me. And I said, "It could be me."
I suppose that's where I still am, in a sense. I don't ever want to be a transsexual. I just want to be a boy. Being a girl's been terrible these last 3 years.
I'm proud of you, hizmom, for letting your son explore himself and being so supportive for him. I'm sure he appreciates it, I know I would. 
Hey, quit reading my mail.
no, i felt a sense of "wrong" when i had to wear a dress starting when i was 4... i find them very physically comfortable, but when i wear them, it's crossdressing. savvy?
when i was 9, i wanted a classmate's body. not sexually, but in "i want to put my brain in his body and give him this one" way.
and on and on.... but like Lindsey here, I had no framework, just knew something was "wrong" and compensated. until i realised. then the depression set in.
now i need to get those pesky hips and jaw taken care of so i can wear makeup and dresses and look like a boy doing it. (I'm a goth, lemme alone
)
