The biggest thing cut out is trust. I can't put faith in any of them anymore. To do so would be totally self destructive, and thats why I hate this.
I don't trust my mom cause she's a violent, hormonally-ruled person, who was already crazy and then got worse when my dad had a manic episode.
I don't trust dad cause he spent a ton of money that could have been for me and my brothers college.
I don't trust my brother, cause I was cleaning the upstairs room one day and he came up and randomly started punching the back of my head, cause I, "made mom cry," even though 2 minutes earlier, I was the one who got a binder thrown at the back of my head. Now I can admit... I'm MEAN when I have to be, but I never cross the line like these people do and hurt people physically, EVER.
I've fought with my brother before, but its never been anything but wrestles up to this point, and I've sincerely wanted to break my dads nose to wake him up from his spending spree and affair with a woman (who has a family... And sees no consequence in doing my dad while having a daughter who's apparently, "just like me," and a husband who'll be crushed when they ALL find out. He cheated on my mom... He cheated. He could have just divorced her if he didn't love her for that long, instead of crushing my mom and making her EVEN CRAZIER, but no... That sometimes makes getting financial aid for college BETTER. So basically... They're legally together... And arguing over stuff because they are both too stupid to find a solution, and they've been on earth almost 3X as long as me.
...
But back to the point. My mom has no control. Shes almost poked my eye with her fingernail, kicked me literally out the door, punched me, slapped me, dumped water on me, food on me, broke a glass close to my head when I was still recovering from waking up to the food thing after a court date... She's threatened my life in our crappy little car while disowning me and saying she'd kill herself, and telling me I was mourning my friend wrong....
And I'm always seen as the worse person. Lately I just can't control myself either. Do I hit her? No. But I call her a sadist amongst other swear words, cause she is one, and she is making me become her, and I HATE IT. Her hatred is seeping into me like a disease and my bad side is coming out again... I move in a few days... I just need to survive til then, and find a job the best I can.
But the point is, is that I've never hit her. I pushed her away when she was, but I've never HIT her. NEVER. Not once. Even when it meant defending myself and stopping her crap, I've never hit her. Cause she's my mom? No... Its cause its a person, and thats wrong to me. I don't know how she has it in her to hit people. If she were a guy she would have been arrested. She isn't really causing the most physical pain... Its the symbolism of it. So yeah... I don't trust my family.
I don't think I'll ever have faith in them again. Its not a matter of love to me, even though that hurts a ton, its surviving so I can escape this crap.
