Unexpected question

[findingreason]

The other I day I got a most unexpected question.... I was asked if I was gay by a new friend I made. Nobody in my life has ever asked me this before. I was like "Umm. No." I didn't know what to say, but I didn't say I was straight either, or anything else for that matter. Its been on my mind since Thursday when it happened. He said I act gay and such.

I was always worried I was too masculine, but maybe that isn't as much of the case as I first thought .

[Sephirah]

Well, it's hard, if not impossible, to completely hide your femininity when you're a girl trying, for whatever reason, to fit into the role of a guy to the outside world.

And being a gay guy, I guess, is primarily the assumption that a lot of people will make.

Although I do sometimes have a conflict whereby I have to try and come to terms with the fact that I'm a gay girl... masquerading as a straight guy. Which is... weird.

How do you feel about the fact that someone noticed your feminine aspects?

[findingreason]

I don't really know how I feel. At first, when we went our separate ways for the day, I almost wanted to laugh in disbelief I was just asked that (if that makes any sense whatsoever). I was also upset to, I felt a need to hide it, to fit in with the male role, it was a collaboration of a lot of factors for me. 

[Kara Lee]

I'm a gay girl... masquerading as a straight guy.

I am adding that to my sig, I can't resist. 

[Sephirah]

Lol, it's true though. And very strange. Because... I can't really express my sexuality either way. It's like... mentally, emotionally and spiritually I'm gay because I find women attractive and have a gorgeous girlfriend, but physically I'm straight for exactly the same reason.

So if someone I knew asked me in the street if I was gay... technically I would have to say 'yes', but by their likely definition it would be 'no'... or 'yes, but not how you think'.

*sigh* Most likely I'd just say 'you figure it out, I like women.' Then go find headache medication.

[sd]

Just say you like women, and leave your gender and sex out of it.

Labels for us are messy and are a no win situation. Think of the various stages of transition and how it appears to others vs. legally and medically. I swear we should be issued scorecards.

[sneakersjay]

I got that same question from a new coworker.  The first night I worked with her she came out as gay.  Personally I just want to work at work, and not be buddy-buddy with people.  I don't care if you're gay, straight, whatever.  You do your job, I do mine.  I don't participate in a lot of chit-chat, but I'm not rude or secluded either.

The next week I worked she asked me point blank if I were gay.  Apparently all week she had been asking other people, and they all said no, I wasn't gay, but she didn't believe them.  When I said no, I'm not gay, she couldn't believe it and said she was sure I was.  Why does it matter anyway?

I'm not out at work and I know I look butch/androgynous.  She was a bit forward for my taste, esp. being a newbie.  My coworkers were kind of offended by all of her questions; she asks very personal questions and seems to have no boundaries.

Jay

[Janet_Girl]

So if someone I knew asked me in the street if I was gay... technically I would have to say 'yes', but by their likely definition it would be 'no'... or 'yes, but not how you think'.

Talk about confessing the heck out of someone, you would get a "Huh!?! What!?!", and then their brain would freeze up. 

I love it.
Janet

[Stealthgrrl]

Lol, it's true though. And very strange. Because... I can't really express my sexuality either way. It's like... mentally, emotionally and spiritually I'm gay because I find women attractive and have a gorgeous girlfriend, but physically I'm straight for exactly the same reason.

So if someone I knew asked me in the street if I was gay... technically I would have to say 'yes', but by their likely definition it would be 'no'... or 'yes, but not how you think'.

*sigh* Most likely I'd just say 'you figure it out, I like women.' Then go find headache medication.

LOL @ headache medication. Leiandra, you're too cute by half. 

Pre-transition, I'd been taken for gay all of my life. And yet, I always knew that I wasn't. I got so sick of both genders making this assumption.

One Christmas, not so long ago, I was visiting my mother. One on one, of course... I've never been invited to a family function since they found out I was trans. Anyway, in the middle of dinner, she asked if I had "any men friends." At first I thought she meant, like, buddies. So, I thought about it a moment, and said, no, I didn't think I did. All my friends were women. Then the light went on and i realized she meant boyfriends. I was surprised cos she knew I continued to date women, exclusively. So, I set down my fork and told her again what I'd thought she understood, that I'm a Lesbian. Well you shoulda seen her face. She got this horrified expression and goes, "you're a Lesbian, too?!?"
   Well, just when I was feeling sorta bad for her, she switches gears and asks me why I was so upset about a recent romantic disappointment. (I'd lost a woman I'd absolutely worshipped. I wanted to die, for a while.) She goes, "After all, it was only another woman." Well thanks, Mommie Dearest.

Sometimes I find it amusing, the whole gay thing, especially when faced with goody god squad people. To them, I wasn't gay before, but now I am, even though I'm essentially the same person and liked women then and like women now. Looking back, I believe I always had a Lesbian sensibility, though I would never have said so to anyone back then. I certainly came to think it.

One of my closest friends is convinced that my uber-conventional mother is gay. Wouldn't that be a kick in the a$$!  >

Stealth

[cindybc]

Hi for me, well I have always been an active person, hinging on a busy body, so that when I began HRT I was.....well a 55 year old going on 15 flying through puberty without a pilots licence.

Cindy

[Mister]

People (read: gay men) think I'm gay quite often.  I live in the Castro, so that doesn't really help things.  My speech pattern is still quite female, so even though I pass I do sound like a gay man (whatever that means..)  After spending a few days with my lady here in the city, the guys at the gay bar down the block have stopped inviting me in for beers. 

[Victoria L.]

I have this friend and one day she came up to me and asked me if I was gay, and she said that she can tell when somebody is... Well I'm not. XD

I eventually came out to her as transgendered.

(All of this happened in like the last month or so, by the way. XD)

It kind of shocks me. I guess people have always called me gay, but I thought they were just doing it to make fun of me, and not because they actually saw that I was different. However, I guess they really did see it in me... But I never was really gay, so I kept on fighting it.

[Carolyn]

A few of my friends classifed me as a gay male for a long time, I always fought against them and told them I wasn't gay which I'm not. But they didn't understand it till I told them I was TS, personally however I always thought I hid my true nature well, however I guess I was wrong, oh well!

[fae_reborn]

At my dad's house, he and the neighbors are really close because they've lived there for all of my life.  A few weeks ago I went home to visit, and our neighbor and her daughter came over to help my dad's girlfriend with setting up for a garage sale.  Neither of them really batted an eye at me (I was wearing a dress) and eventually we got on the topic of my gender issues (for some reason).  She goes "Oh yeah, we always knew you were gay."

I was like, OMG that's so not the point, and proceeded to explain to her the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation.  She goes, "Oh, I know, before we thought that but you're clearly a woman now.  Just do what makes you happy, we don't judge you, so..."

Yeah, it was quite a shock to say the least.  I'm sure I had been taken as gay before I transitioned, even though like my sister Stealth, I'm a lesbian, and like women. 

Jenn

[Hypatia]

At work for two years before I transitioned, my appearance grew gradually more feminine all the time. By the time I was ready to transition last year, I had breasts and was wearing tight, feminine t-shirts and blouses. I wore women's pants and shoes as well as earrings. I was getting my face lasered, had long hair, and wore makeup every day. So of course all the rumors abounded that I was "gay."

It's like people have only one slot in their brains for queer people and we all have to be slotted into the same pigeonhole. As if it would be too much mental labor for them to actually understand about gender identity. Actually, at the time I identified as bisexual and openly said so. Again, that's too hard for simple minds to grasp. Recently, I've switched to lesbian and now I can finally say I am gay. I don't work there any more so now I don't have people looking upon me as "used to be a man," I can just be known as a woman from the first impression.

[Liann]

The other I day I got a most unexpected question.... I was asked if I was gay by a new friend I made. Nobody in my life has ever asked me this before. I was like "Umm. No." I didn't know what to say, but I didn't say I was straight either, or anything else for that matter. Its been on my mind since Thursday when it happened. He said I act gay and such.

I was always worried I was too masculine, but maybe that isn't as much of the case as I first thought .

The question could have several possible origins. Perhaps the person wanted to understand if there was any possible basis for a physical relationship, you-him. Had you said yes than he might have made further moves. Keep in mind that true gays are not attracted to women, neither the XX nor the XY kinds. But some men don't have the vocabulary to express where they stand and in their world the word "gay" applies to attraction to a feminized man in their mind, and they want to know if that attraction is OK with you, object of that attraction.

It could just as well be neutral in statement, idle curiousity about your "gay" behaviors. Nothing further implied.

Perhaps it was critique, that you are "too gay" in some ways and it's a little none-too-subtle social peer pressure to curb those girly tendancies. There is outside pressure to conform (gasp, news flash!) to sexual role behaviors.

A T-Girl is not homosexual for being attracted to men because girls are naturally attracted to men. It would be bi or lesbian to be attracted to women, but girls in general are far more flexible in that matter than guys are. So saying you are "not gay" sends an ambiguous message: don't use group descriptors and state your preferences: "I like guys" or "I like both guys or girls" or "I like girls". It doesn't matter what some group does or likes -- it matters what you do and like. It matters that you communicate with clarity. No matter what anybody tells you, 50% of the world is attracted to men so that can't be such a bad thing, and 50% of the people in the world are attracted to women so that can't be such a bad thing either. You will have a lot better luck "getting lucky" if you send clear signals which type you are attracted to and you dress and act in a manner which they prefer you to be to reciprocate that attraction. Those whom are interested in you will meet you halfway.

Don't cause a traffic jam in the middle of gender street, dear. Hurry across if you are going, or stay on the side that you are now on, but don't dwell in the middle too long. It doesn't get you to your goals and it causes difficulties for others who have to relate to you. It also can cause some difficulties for others whom are transitioning nearby for you to pull a bright spotlight on your own indecision. Be clear on what you want, then take active steps to get there without a big fuss over it, then enjoy what you chose (whatever that is).

Posted on: September 08, 2008, 03:53:33 PM

A few of my friends classifed me as a gay male for a long time, I always fought against them and told them I wasn't gay which I'm not. But they didn't understand it till I told them I was TS, personally however I always thought I hid my true nature well, however I guess I was wrong, oh well!

A true gay male is not attracted to vaginas, neither on others nor on hirself. Really, that is the definition of gay male. If that doesn't apply to you, lack of vag-interest, than you failed the gay-test.

There is a reason that there are Gs and Ts in the LGBT grouping of sexual variations. Gs are not Ts and vice versa.

Drag Queens are not T-Girls and vice versa, even though they both wear dresses and both may have sex with men. Even people in the pride community and professional sexologist researchers don't always get it.

[Janet_Girl]

One of my neighbors asked my BFF Peg if I was gay, after seeing me one day.  Peg said no she's not. they asked but he comes over as a man.  Peg told them that I was trans and they said then he's gay.  Peg explained as best she could.  I think that they are still lost./  But they are leaving the park because of their job.  So they would be able to see the changes.  * Shrugs *

Janet

[cindybc]

HI Liann, your analogy on crossing gender street is very clear hon. I have never really given a thought as to any type of label for my relationship with Wing Walker except two people loving and caring for one another. We have never found a reason to use labels to describe our relationship, but if a need arose to do so, I would have to say our relationship is a lesbian relationship. But then, there has never been cause to label our relationship to anyone. Why should we, no one has asked?

The least one has to tell others the less complicated life is.

Cindy