I started cutting in high school, like so many others do. Was it so I could have something to talk about? I highly doubt it considering I had been ostracized by most of my peers, and the other half was more interested in seeming helpful or supportive while really just having a "my problems worse contest." The only other person I knew who cut and we confided in each other is my friend who started when she lost her virginity by rape at 16. We let each other know, when the urge for the blade got bad we'd be there for each other, and when we succumbed we'd still without judgement be there for each other. I think she was the first girl I truly loved. She recovered, after six years. I haven't.
It's a combination of things for me. It's a sense of power, there is so much out of control in my life, but this pain and this act I control, or so I thought. I also have borderline personality disorder, which doesn't help at all. I'm also a perfectionist, apparently it's a common thing among perfectionists because we so often fall short of our own expectations. But mostly now, it's an urge. A very physical, and apparent urge that hits me most often when I'm anxious or having another bout of depression. My left wrist starts to itch in a way that scratching does nothing. My arm feels wrong all over, and I can sometimes ward off the feeling a little by hitting myself in those areas, but only for a short time. I still sometimes falter.
Your analogy of cutting and alcoholism I think it very appropriate. There may be a small number of us who started for the attention or whatever, but for the most part it's a coping mechanism we developed in our self-loathing, depression, or whatever else is going on, and it becomes an addiction in the truest sense of the word, withdrawals and all.
All I can say is, I understand where you're coming from, and I hope you don't fall back on the knife, because you don't control the pain, the pain controls you.
