I am such a failure

[Kaitlyn]

Here I am, a (relatively) young trans girl, at one of the most liberal universities in America.  You'd think I could find some other GLBT people to socialize with, right?

Wrong, since I'm still just a freakish self-made outcast.

I went to the first meeting of the big on-campus GLBT coalition, and just sat there, petrified.  There were a couple of trans people there (FTM), but I didn't really feel better.  People introduced themselves to the group, one by one - name, major, preferred gender pronouns, etc.

My turn: <gulp>  "Hi, I'm <male name>.  I'm a <major> student from <hometown>.  About pronouns.... um... I sort of prefer male pronouns... for now... since I'm a coward."

<crowd makes a few nervous sounds>

It just got worse from there.  When the circle began to dissolve into meet & greet, I just stood off by the side feeling terrible - so awkward and lonely.  After a few minutes of not talking to anyone, I went back to my room and cried.

[Mister]

Keep showing up.

[Elwood]

Give it time. Our first trans meeting was like.

*silence*
Elwood: IS ANYONE GOING TO SAY ANYTHING?
Director: My name is [NAME] and BLAH BLAH BLAH (for like ever, because he sometimes can't shut up, lol)
Elwood: I'm Dan.
*silence*

There was like 15 people in the room.

[Mister]

Give it time. Our first trans meeting was like.

*silence*
Elwood: IS ANYONE GOING TO SAY ANYTHING?
Director: My name is [NAME] and BLAH BLAH BLAH (for like ever, because he sometimes can't shut up, lol)
Elwood: I'm Dan.
*silence*

There was like 15 people in the room.

hahahaha...   oh, god...  I was in that meeting five years ago!

[deviousxen]

Here I am, a (relatively) young trans girl, at one of the most liberal universities in America.  You'd think I could find some other GLBT people to socialize with, right?

Wrong, since I'm still just a freakish self-made outcast.

I went to the first meeting of the big on-campus GLBT coalition, and just sat there, petrified.  There were a couple of trans people there (FTM), but I didn't really feel better.  People introduced themselves to the group, one by one - name, major, preferred gender pronouns, etc.

My turn: <gulp>  "Hi, I'm <male name>.  I'm a <major> student from <hometown>.  About pronouns.... um... I sort of prefer male pronouns... for now... since I'm a coward."

<crowd makes a few nervous sounds>

It just got worse from there.  When the circle began to dissolve into meet & greet, I just stood off by the side feeling terrible - so awkward and lonely.  After a few minutes of not talking to anyone, I went back to my room and cried.

Well of course you did. You're nervous. Go again, and you'll be fine. They wont judge you if you are shy at first. Hells no.

I have a feeling worse has happened at a support group. Lol... Don't worry so much.

[Kaitlyn]

I can't stop kicking myself.  What I should have said was, "Hi!  I'm Kate!  I'm majoring in computer engineering, and I'd love it if you'd use female pronouns to refer to me."  I'm just too scared and self-conscious - it feels like it'd be some sick joke for someone in the real world to call me "she".  Trying to openly be a girl around flesh-and-blood strangers is just not happening yet.  I'd looked forward to this for soooo long, too.

Thow in the crippling social anxiety I've had all my life... what am I left with?

*cries*

Posted on: September 04, 2008, 12:59:10 AMSorry, I think I'm a bit unstable right now.  I might be getting into the first little mood swings from the hormones - I had these really odd buzzing happy "jaggies" earlier today; they came and went for a bit for no apparent reason.  Got really tired this afternoon, also no other apparent reason.  I don't usually get this worked up over imagined rejection - and the sadness seems to come in waves.

[Lutin]

You can't be a coward *or* a failure, 'cause you showed up in the first place. It takes a lot of courage to come out to yourself, let alone to a group where, if you go, people are going to know (or at least suspect) that you identify with at least one of the GLBTIQ letters. That you've gone along and introduced yourself is a great start, and not cowardly at all. Besides, people at these things know that it's highly likely that at least one person there will be terrified, so I wouldn't say that you're eternally outcast or have failed spectacularly. As Mister said, just keep going. You know roughly what happens now, so next time you'll have a better idea of what to expect. Just go with one of the groups when they split off, and don't worry too much. The more you go, the more comfortable you'll be with it all.

Keep smiling hon, and don't give up yet!

Lutin

[Kara Lee]

I know I've always thought of myself as a shy and quiet person that would never talk up much but I'm finding that as I become more comfortable with who I really am that I am being more vocal and outgoing.  Most ppl at work have noticed and have said that it is quite a change in me.  There are times I retreat but it goes away more quickly now.  Hopefully by going back you can get more comfortable with the atmosphere there.

[Ender]

It just got worse from there.  When the circle began to dissolve into meet & greet, I just stood off by the side feeling terrible - so awkward and lonely.  After a few minutes of not talking to anyone, I went back to my room and cried.

*Hug* S'ok, my first several times at GLBT meetings on campus were like that too.  I'd sit through the meeting listening to 'official business' and when that was finally done and it was time for meet & greet social time...  I'd stand awkwardly in a corner, feeling more and more uncomfortable before I just quietly left the room.  I don't know how many times I did that until I finally hung around just long enough to engage in some small talk (actually, it was the then-president who kinda intercepted me before I could leave ).

Hang in there.  Just getting more familiar with how things are run and who the people are helps the social anxiety thing.  And if your group is anything like the one at my school, they'll have you doing introductions before every blinkin' meeting.  It's a good idea for the sake of people who just show up and didn't make it to the first intro meeting, and it'd be a great chance for you to re-introduce yourself  .

[Osiris]

Kate, I know how you feel. It's embarrassing to say one thing and mean another. It's hard to drop one image when you're use to keeping it up, no matter how fake it is or how bad you wanna show the real you. Just keep trying. You're a hell of a lot closer than I am.

[Seshatneferw]

What I should have said was, "Hi!  I'm Kate!  I'm majoring in computer engineering, and I'd love it if you'd use female pronouns to refer to me."

So now you know what to say the next time. That's good.

And despite the smiley I really mean it. Going to these meetings is an iterative process: the next time will be better, and the one after that even more so, and so on. Eventually you will be able to shake that shell of a shy, nerdy boy in favour of the confident woman -- who did, after all, already persuade the boy to go to that first meeting.

  Nfr

[jixe]

I ran away without socialising at all from the first trans meeting I went to.
Just less than 2 months on hormones, I was so terrified of people!!
The next two times have been so much better, I even saw another who was obsviously anxious about being there who dissapeared before an socialising took place :p

[Janet_Girl]

Fear, self doubt, ashamed, anxious around strangers.  Does this sound similar to anyone else here? Nephie, we have all been there.  It gets better each and every time you stand up and say "Hi!  I'm Kate, and I'd love it if you'd use female pronouns to refer to me."

The best statement that I have ever heard is by our own Katie Marie.  She use to say "I'm changing my sex and going by the name Kate now",   Of course now she just says 'I'm Kate".

You stick around and you'll see that you can do it.  We all have and now some of our older more advanced transition matured sisters don't even have to say that any more, for they are finally the complete woman that they saw in the mirror so long ago.

Hang in there, Hon.  Your time is coming.

Love,
Janet

[Kaitlyn]

Yeah, Kate's story was actually my big inspiration to de-cloak and start posting here (THANK YOU, KATE!!!!).  Up till then, I'd NEVER posted on a forum before.

It's funny... since I'm a Kate too (Kaitlyn Leah <lastname>, chose it independently, natch), and she's so well known around here, it always feels a tad weird to see people using my right name.  Maybe I should call myself Kate the Lesser.  Or perhaps n00b-Kate.

But I digress... I'm going to stop with the antisocial boy act, and own up to being a girl, no matter how hard it is. 

The biggest thing I want right now, though, is a close female friend, which I've never had.  Every time I try to make friends with a girl, though, I get little hints about boyfriends, husbands, or fiancees.  God, that hurts... how can I safely make it clear I'm not INTERESTED in girls that way?  I've never hit on a girl in my LIFE - I don't even know how.  I just want to be friends... should I lie and say I'm gay?  Omit important facts and say I like guys?

[iFindMeHere]

Kate,

I am too scared to go to a support group. This is probably the closest I'll ever get. I applaud you for going.

[Kaitlyn]

Well... s'not really a support group, more like a Gay-Straight alliance kinda thing (though I don't think there are any straights in this one  >).  I was hoping to meet some other trans people and ask about a good local support group.

[Sephirah]

It's funny... since I'm a Kate too (Kaitlyn Leah <lastname>, chose it independently, natch), and she's so well known around here, it always feels a tad weird to see people using my right name.  Maybe I should call myself Kate the Lesser.  Or perhaps n00b-Kate.

Actually, I think Kaitlyn is really pretty.

But I digress... I'm going to stop with the antisocial boy act, and own up to being a girl, no matter how hard it is. 

*big hug* You can only be yourself, honey. And that is easier than keeping up any act. Less tiring, too.

Welcome to the world, Kaitlyn.

The biggest thing I want right now, though, is a close female friend, which I've never had.  Every time I try to make friends with a girl, though, I get little hints about boyfriends, husbands, or fiancees.  God, that hurts... how can I safely make it clear I'm not INTERESTED in girls that way?  I've never hit on a girl in my LIFE - I don't even know how.  I just want to be friends... should I lie and say I'm gay?  Omit important facts and say I like guys?

Just say you want a friend, someone to talk to. You don't have to say anything about your sexuality, only that you want things to be platonic.

[Kaitlyn]

All jokes aside, are guys really that sex-crazed that women feel compelled to say "I'm taken" whenever a guy just talks to them?

[iFindMeHere]

All jokes aside, are guys really that sex-crazed that women feel compelled to say "I'm taken" whenever a guy just talks to them?

maybe you're giving off the wrong signs?

[Sephirah]

All jokes aside, are guys really that sex-crazed that women feel compelled to say "I'm taken" whenever a guy just talks to them?

It depends on the conversation, I guess. It's pretty easy to tell the difference between just talking and 'something more'. And context also comes into it. It's a lot of factors, you can't really say for certain until you're in a given situation.

Guy in a bar, surrounded by a group friends, they all keep looking in your direction... he comes over and seems a bit nervous... asks to buy you a drink... pretty safe bet he doesn't want to discuss the finer points of neo-classical architecture in late 18th century Romania.

Sitting in the library, it's crowded, a guy sits next to you, looks at the book you're reading, absently says he read that a while ago and thinks you have good taste, asks you what you think about it... probably not looking to get you in the sack for a wild night of passion.

Play it by ear and use your intuition.