Hi everyone. This is my first time to post here. Actually, i don't know how to start my story as i feel like i am drowning in problems. But, first i'd like to apologize for my bad english as it's not my native language.
I am from Egypt and i am 19 years old. I have always lived my life(till now) in a male body, but i have the feelings of a female. This is something i have felt since i was very young. i have always hated being described as a male. i hated that i have hair on my body. I should mention that i am a Muslim. And in Islam, changing one's gender is a big sin. Also, it's almost impossible to find someone here with whom i can talk about my problems. And after a period of struggle with myself, i have come to that i don't want to change my gender as it's against my religion. i decided to consider what i am going through as a test from God to test my obedience. i mean that i can live with the fact that no one is going to love me through my entire life. But the problem i have now is my female feelings; i don't know how to deal with people. i don't have friends though i love to have friends. But, i am afraid my secret would be exposed in a society were people have no tolerance for these issues. I'd like to give an example to clarify my point. My university colleagues would ,for example, go to spend the summer vacation in a place where they can swim and, when they invite me to come with them, i have to refuse, because i don't like how i look with the hair on my body and i feel that if i go to the beach everyone would be looking at me. My point is that my masculine look makes me think twice before doing anything in my life.
And though all of this, i decided to deprive myself from enjoying my time and decided to focus on my studies, and may be when i do so, i 'll somehow stop thinking about my female feelings. But, still remains one problem that i can't get out of my mind, now, which is that in Egypt, all males are required to serve in a compulsory military service(i mean the army). And for me, to enter the army is a nightmare, as males themselves dislike the way they are treated inside it and seach for different means to escape it. i mean i'll be treated like males inside there. How am i supposed to live there where males have showers infront of each other and i can't stand to take my clothes off infront of a male. Not to mention that military life is very hard even for males.
i felt very disappointed, i didn't know what to do. God, i can't even commit suicide,it's forbidden in islam(In islam , if someone commits suicide , it's equivalent that he/she doesnot believe in God). i thought may be i should seek asylum but i don't know if i qualify for it. Also, if it's possible, i don't know how i am going to finish my studies. Meanwhile, the military service is postponed until i finish my study, but once i finish, i'll have to join the army and i'll be banned from travelling abroad until i finish my service period.
So, i searched , and i knew that i can avoid joining the army if i have a dual citizenship, which i don't have. And since i knew that, i have been searching the internet for any opportunity to get the nationality of any other country than Egypt, and so i would disqualify from entering the army. Really, i don't know what to say, i feel like i am alone in this world. Please if anyone have a solution to my problem, please help me...
i apologize for the long post and i thank everyone who read it. i want to say that despite my problems, finding this place makes me feel somehow happy that i found people with whom i can talk about my problems. Thank you all for providing this place.
