Need some advice about a friend...

[NomNom]

A year and a half ago I met another ts-girl on a community. She's intelligent and fun and even geekier than me, and we starting chatting regularly on msn. We're in the same country, but different parts, so we've never met in RL.

Thing is, she has very, very, very low selfesteem regarding her looks. I've tried to cheer her up and encourage her, which sorta worked. But in the end I didn't do her any favors as some ->-bleeped-<-s quickly sent her crashing down again :/

I was mostly in the closet at the time, but six months ago I finally collected the courage to start transitioning. Overall things have been going great and I've had a fairly easy time passing. But every time I mention anything that's been going well in my life, I send her spiraling deeper into despair. I've tried to avoid the subject, but sometimes I'm just to bouncy and excited to keep my mouth shut.

I just don't know what to do. I seriously fear she's at the point where she might commit suicide. On top of the self esteem issues she might end up deep in debt (unfairly), her therapy is going nowhere and she lives in a redneck hellhole. She really needs a friend, but lately having me around only seems to make her feel worse. It's like being really hungry and watching someone sit next to you and eat a big cake I guess.

What would you have done? She needs support, but I don't know if I'm helping or just making things worse

[NicholeW.]

Welcome to Susan's, NomNom,

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As for your friend, there's no way to really build self-esteem in someone else. That is something she will have to do by finding that she can and has overcome things in her life that have been obstacles and mountains, and that she has done it.

Life doesn't treat us all the same and it can be very hard for anyone who transitions and "doesn't blend" with their true gendered compatriots. Most of us go through a stage where we are in-between and others never quite make it out of the in-between stage. That can be extraordinarily tough, especially when someone wants to "be beautiful" or such like ideas.

Even with plastic surgeries "beautiful" can be pretty much off the cards for many.

That said: there are also women who invest themselves in their own misery. That is a terrible place to be, but much as you feel for her and want good things for her she is gonna have to begin to want some of those for herself for a difference to occur in her life. You cannot live both your life and her's, even if you could what would be the point?

I understand about "redneck" places. I've lived in more than one in my life, but even in redneck places a person can make her way if she makes some attempts.

It sounds like you are doing all you reasonably can with your friend to help her. Don't feel badly or not be excited and pleased with your own progress to make her "happy." My experience tells me she will not be happy and instead simply put a damper on your happiness.

This is her stuff that she needs to make a major effort to get through. But, to do so she's gonna have to learn to believe, at least somewhat, in herself. You can help maybe, but cannot do it for her.



Nichole