Hi - I haven't been here now for over a year. It's kind of a a long story why. So bear with me if you have some time.
My only intent in this is to share my experience in the hope of helping or enlightening others. It is too late in life for me and I have two children 10 and 11 that I wouldn't hurt for anything. Much less for me.
With the wonderful support and encouragement from all here I got up the courage in late 2006 to see a wonderful Gender Therapist. Through our work we determined that I am a trans but there are lots of midigating circumstances. So transition wasn't the best option for me based on my current life circumstances. So we discussed less drastic treatment to calm my mind and reduce my depression such as a low dosage of estradiol. This whole time I was also working with a Psychiatrist for my meds for depression and ADHD.
I labeled myself a crossdressor this time for lack of a better box that fits my circumstances and in respect for the people here who have the strength and bravery to transition in a difficult world.
First, I am a DES Son. That means for those that are not familiar is that my Mother was given female hormone shots throughout her pregnancy with me. So in simple english it means in utero I was pumped with female hormones. Not a bad thing! The research is inconclusive for boys at this point but the priliminary findings point to depression, GID and possible prostrate cancer.
Anyway, in my early years I was a very soft boy that angered my father and he tried to scare, beat and sexually abuse it out of me. My Mother was completely unavailable with NO maternal instincts and sacrificed me to my father to protect herself. At 5 I purposely rode my bicycle in front of a car to commit suicide. Surpisingly I lived but suffered a major head frature and brain injury that left me hyper-active with ADHD and changed me from a soft boy to an intense, rageful and really confused boy.
You see, I always wanted to be a girl. I dressed as early as 3 or 4 and have always admired girls and women from the vantage of wanting to be one of them. Hetero pornography never has stimulated me. It just makes me sad that those girls/women had to resort to that.
I have learned all this in pieces over the past 20+ years after my father died through a lot of therapy and a whole bunch of money. Thank God I was able to channel my ADHD through work for success.
Last year after clarifying all the abuse and neglect I suffered through my childhood I deternmined that I wasn't trans but just a result of abusive parenting. So I purged and buried myself with new projects and responsibilities. More denial, I know.
But about a month ago it all came flooding back. The depression and stronger suicidal thoughts than ever before.
So I went back to my Psychiatrist and went on stronger meds but it hasn't helped enough. I then went back to my Gender Therapist and met with her. But I wasn't totally honest with her out of my fear of where this may be heading. But she told me she is there for me whenever I need her. Maybe she knows something I don'yt know.
The only message I have is for the younger girls out there. Don't ever think you can beat this or change. It is who you are. Therapy, marraige, children or work will not make it go away.
See a gender therapist early and find out who you are and what is best for you.
With love to all,
KylieLuv
