Coming Out At Work *confused*

[Jay]

Well Guys & Dolls its been a very eventful day today.

I will give you some background information about my work status. I work for a one of the largest insurance companies here in the UK and Europe I work in an office call center (not cold calling thank god) I have been there for a just under a year now (The 24th of this month to be exact) I have changed my name from Laura to Lee in about march/april with a few comments when I announced it.
There are two teams I work with my team and another. My team range from people age 17 to 26 they are pretty small minded people and back stabbers and I don't really have much to do with them bar two women who are my friends (who both know about me)

Anyhow...

There I was at work minding my own business getting on when out of the blue my boss comes and asks if she can have a talk with me. So I was like okay she had a few files in her hands and I thought damn I am in trouble. She walks me to the vending machine gets me a drink takes me to an office. Asks how everything is going with me I reply "fine" then she suddenly comes out with it. A few people in the team have noticed your voice change and facial hair and how on facebook it says "male" I replied okay then. She then said about me coming out to the team that its the time now. I said I didn't really want to do it, because they people who I want to know know . The people I don't don't. Shen basically implied that I was putting her in a position to answer some questions other team members have about me. And that she doesn't want rumors going around. So I told her I didn't want to tell them about me because I don't I don't care what they think but oversly she has a duty of care to them as well. I told her I will tell them before I go off sick for chest surgery and she was like no the sooner the better, I felt pressurized into doing it. Basically because I don't want to tell them. I like to live stealth I don't scream out I am trans unless people know I was bio female before. Not that I am ashamed of being trans because I am not.  My boss then carried on saying we will have to raise the issue of same sex toliets of which I have used the disabled ones since I have been there. My boss then continued to say that I would need to write to HR and confirm that I do this and was not asked because they can not legally ask me to do that.  My boss then said if I would like to tell both of the teams of which I said no.. I'm not a very good public speaker anyhow I lack confidence and would mutter and stutter my words to much. I said you can do it she said thats fine but I need something in writing to be able to tell them for legal reasons. She then carried on saying if anyone said anything bad about you then it is a criminal offence of which I know but is anyone going to say that so and so did it no. And she stated how if it went any further than the two teams then they could face legal action as well, but like I said no one would admit would they. But I'm sure at least 9 out of the 11 of us would tell other people out side of our two teams.

Anyhow I told my boss that I would speak to my consuller which I did and she said that they could not force me to tell them, and if I don't want to tell them then I can refuse full stop. She said that she would get someone to send me some legal advice over via email which I am actually still waiting for!

My boss wrote down when I should hear back from my consuller and is planning on seeing me pretty quick.

I am in two minds whether or not to tell them when is the best time.. like I said the people who need to know, know and I am not going to get bullied into doing it. I guess I would just like to hear of other peoples opinions on this before I can make my mind up.

I never thought I would have this problem as I didn't imagine I would be there that long I was/am planning on staying there until after chest surgery (so I use my sick time there) and then move on. I have printed a few job applications today too..

Awaiting your input

*sigh*

Jay   

[Sephirah]

If you're under no legal obligation to say anything, and you don't want to, then don't. You can only be bullied into something if you allow yourself to be, Jay. And if you were told that you can't be forced into saying anything (by that I assume it means being fired if you don't), then just tell your boss straight (but respectfully) that it's your life, and if/when you decide to tell anyone anything, it will be on your terms and when you're ready. You can't be responsible for how other people feel, and whether people know or don't know has no effect on your ability to do the job.

If your boss is put in a position she doesn't like, and wants to quell rumours, then she should just say that certain employee details are confidential information and reprimand workers who obviously aren't working hard enough if they have time to go around gossiping and perpetuating rumours.

You shouldn't have to defend your decisions to do or not do anything. As long as you're operating within the terms of your contract of employment then information you consider too personal to share should be treated as such.

[Jay]

Thats very good points you have there Leiandra. I appreciate it. I am going to write a memo to my boss and the HR person dealing with my case tomorrow including these points. Its just a shame I can never get across what I want to say with out running round the houses.

By the way I have only been on T about 5/6 months now and my voice has defiently dropped but facial hair wise yeah I do have a mustache but the rest is blonde bum fluff hair thats it. 



Posted on: 15 September 2008, 22:10:50I come into work today my boss sends me an email stating that "We need to catch up today to discuss actions arising from yesterday." I then emailed her back pretty much what Leiandra said and then she pulled me aside and basically said that if I dont tell the team then I can not do anything about them gossiping and if anything is said then I can not do anything about it. They are trying to cover there own arses and thats it. I think that they will want me to sign something saying that I do not hold norwich union responsable for any remarks said. But if I am forced into doing this then I will make sure that it is all worded correctly. So I am not leaving myself open to bullying.

Also I asked my manager if I could speak to the women dealing with my case in HR apparently this women is only allowed to talk to my manager and not me. My manager told me that I had to call HR myself who know nothing about my situation. She then carried on saying about how she cant saying anything about me to the other manager. I am just wondering on how the hell people are bringin up about me into conversation. How the hell is it effecting them?? If I dyed my hair they would all talk about me I seem to be the favourite subject in this bloody team and now it is doing my head.

But as they are all god damn ignorant they can not realise that I am trying to be happy and they keep peeing on my parade. 

Posted on: 16 September 2008, 11:35:40I guess I am missing someone to talk to about this someone on my side. I feel it is all very one sided. I am going to ask to talk to HR alone this afternoon I want to know where I stand and not from a third person... I really am thinking of jacking the job in I cant stand all this crap every two or three months. If I told them they would be bitching about something else about me a couple of months down the line.

[Sephirah]

Jay, it may be worth having a think about talking to your local CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) and see if you can get a different, outside, impartial perspective on this.

Here is a link to their advice site detailing basic employment rights, you may find something useful in there that can help, or that you can take to your manager:

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/life/employment/basic_rights_at_work.htm

If not, then I'm sure there's a branch of the CAB near you, it may be worth popping in there and seeing if there's anything they can suggest.

Being bullied into anything by your higher ups is morally wrong, and may be legally wrong, too. As is discrimination and bullying in the workplace.

What your manager says, and what is actually the case, may not be entirely matching. And it could be that she's trying to be rather too assertive in her efforts to get you to disclose this.

Also, here's the link to another site you may find useful:

http://www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1814

This deals with sex descrimination in the workplace. Notice this particular part:

Am I protected from sex discrimination at work?

Under the Sex Discrimination Act 1975 (as amended), employers must not discriminate on grounds of sex, marriage, civil partnership, pregnancy, maternity, or because you intend to undergo, are undergoing or have undergone gender reassignment.

If your manager knows, then that's all that matters. The choice to tell any of your colleagues should be yours alone and since you're not employed by them... I'm not sure you have any obligation to tell them at all, no matter how much pressure your manager puts on you.

[Jay]

Thank you very much Leiandra for that information I have got quite a bit of info out of it.

My manager has now decieded I have another meeting at 3 today.. It looks very dodgy for me to keep having these meetings with her.. grrr..

A part of me wants to tell everyone to get it over and done with. To stop all this stress. But I am not giving in.