Passing causing more dysphoria?

[gravitysrainbow]

So I went to the first meeting of Lambda (my school's GLBT group) last night, and I made a couple of amaaaazing friends. We actually ended up staying out until three in the morning at Steak and Shake, just talking and laughing and stuff. It made me feel really...wanted. They're both lesbians (well, one of the girls hates that word, and considers herself more genderqueer, but doesn't mind female pronouns at all), but they kept telling me how cute I was, and how they loved my voice. Both of them are really educated about trans issues, and sympathized with me about people being stupid. I felt completely accepted for the first time ever (I have other friends who use the right name and pronouns, but they still say some unintentionally insensitive stuff sometimes), and it was so cool.

Thing is, once I got back into my dorm and changed into my PJs, I experienced something very odd. I've never had much dysphoria about my, uh...downstairs. I'd prefer it to look male, but I don't mind what I have now. It never really seemed wrong or right. Just...there. But as I was lying on my bed, I suddenly felt this great absence. And it didn't depress me, I just felt...wrong, and confused. And that feeling has stuck with me up until now. Anytime I become aware of my body, I'll just be like, "..Hey, where's my cock?" It's a very new feeling.

I'm just trying to figure out where that feeling came from. Is it something I'd been suppressing, that surfaced because I'm finally being truly accepted as a guy, even by people who know my trans status? Or could it be something else? Or do I even need to know? I just always thought that not passing = more dysphoria, and passing, while not necessarily lessening dysphoria, certainly wouldn't cause more. So yeah...just wanted to share that.

[GQjoey]

I experienced that, a LOT in my younger years. From I'd say 11-20. Those are the same years, I was "out" to virtually, no one. I went to high school as "jay", everyone knew me as a guy. Not only was it a relief, it was lonely. The one thing I always wanted, was to ONLY be known as a guy, and when I got it, it felt great, but so scary at the same time. I don't really know where that feeling of "nothing there" came from, but I felt it, a lot. It wasn't until I had my first relationship where the girl KNEW everything, I stopped feeling it. I had a lot of relationships growing up, where the girls had know idea, yea, morally it was wrong, but it didn't feel wrong to me. Once the relationship progressed, or they heard rumors, i'd hit the road and find someone knew..
Once I got comfortable, in my own skin, which I still struggle with from time to time, I accepted the fact, I have what I have. I really don't mind it, I can still get off, yea I can't get off how I'd like, how I picture, but non the less. I think a packer, or prosthetic might greatly help you.

[gravitysrainbow]

I had a relationship online for about six months where the guy didn't know. I know it's not quite the same, but we did have some extremely strong feelings for each other. I don't believe it was morally wrong, and I don't think my opinion would change even if he'd been an in-person boyfriend. I don't consider what you did to be morally wrong either. But that's just me, I know.

As for the packer, I was going to get one a month or so ago, just out of curiosity to see if I'd like it. But now I think it's more urgent. Maybe I'll do that now, actually. Hah, I feel a little stupid. That should've been obvious, but I was too busy focusing on, "WHOA this is weird" to see the solution right in front of me. Thankyou!

[NicholeW.]

GR, my dear, I've no clue what the other guys will or might say to you.

All I can say to you is that for me that feeling was around from darn near my earliest memories. I've always associated it with GID, well, since I learned what GID is. I know everyone doesn't have the feeling that "something is wrong down south," but a lot, I mean, a lot, of women do.

It'll be interesting reading what the guys say about it.

Nichole

[Jay]

I feel it a hell of alot now.. more when I am having sex. I guess I am just sick of not being about to "get off" if you like when I am having sex. And it is coming more and more apparent that I dont want anyone to touch me at all. No one ever has. The only part which I dont mind people touching is my bum (not anal) and thats it. I get her off and Im still here. Yes I have explained many of times that I cant orgasm or cum because I HATE pysically HATE what is down there. But Im fed up of being left this way.. Its been getting so bad recently that I think I might not ever have sex again. I am 99% sure about having bottom surgery. I just want to feel sexy and attractive but with these boobs and downstairs its not sexy on me. I hate looking down and seeing them its not me. I have tried everything and anything on my own to see if it could "get me off" but unfortuanltely it hasn't. The worst part of it is that I have an amazingly high sex drive. (Not Down To The T) Im 21 years old now (no I know Im not that old) I just want to be able to have normal sex with someone.

BTW yes I do where packers and wear strap ons.

[sneakersjay]

I've had that feeling since I was small; in fact it is a huge part of my dysphoria, the lack of parts.  For me I think the answer will be a quality prosthetic, when I feel like spending >$1000.  I don't think surgery will be for me.

I'm sure I'll feel it more if/when I ever have a gf.

Jay

[trapthavok]

I've felt at times that I wished I had a penis, but they weren't very strong urges..... Definitely for sex, but I'm not sexually active so I don't think this part of dysphoria has hit me as hard yet. I'm sure it'll hit worse if I ever get a girlfriend but for right now I'm ok downstairs.

My fixation has always been on body, height, shoe size, shoulders, strong jawline, hair, and above all my chest. Just minor adjustments to my body, to have the bodily structure of a guy...... I always wished I'd grow taller, that my shoe size would get bigger, even though my female friends with bigger feet than mine have said its a pain trying to find shoes, and I wouldn't want that.

But I'm ok on the penis for now Sorry I'm not more help.

[Adam]

Well I'm not so concerned about down there at the moment. Right now my big problem is my chest. I really need to talk to my mom about binders.

[Elwood]

I'm thinking of joining a LGBT group at my college...

But yeah. I've had a lot of dysphoria about my downstairs. It's what first bothered me, and still bothers me a great deal... It feels wrong to me and often I get depressed. I've found surgeries that are to my satisfaction but with revisions it could take about 5 years. My youth will be lived as a man with a vagina...

I started packing... May? Something like that. At the time I was shy about it, but energized. I was afriad someone would notice, but I almost wanted someone to subtlely see that I looked male. That there wasn't any of this camel-toe business or anything. Well... there was a point where if I removed the pack I felt really empty. So I haven't since... I ordered a real packer and it should get here soon...

For me, this part that I am missing is not just about sex. A lot of the guys here want to "get off" the right way... I simply want to have the correct anatomy. I don't really think of it as merely a sexual part, nor is it my goal in life to stand peeing. It's much deeper than that. It feels as though I have phantom sensations, and I want a real part to satisfy those sensations. There are many times where I can feel it, wish so strongly it was really there. It's a constant disappointment. I keep seeing a dark future for me... Even though T is about 2-3 months away and surgery hopefully shortly after (top)... Bottom requires at least a full year on T, plus the surgeries I want to have are a bit complicated and it takes months for sensation to come back...

But I'm starting to think it's worth it, after seeing some good phallo and working out a multi-surgeon procedure that would really work things out. I just wish that the surgeries were covered at least partially by insurance. My therapist says that the medical community (that supports us) is really fighting for this...

[Yochanan]

The worst thing for me is the chest. I've been so worried about it that I haven't thought much about downstairs. I mean, I'm a really horny guy, I can't NOT get off, but... There are certain points down there I avoid altogether, and in my own head, I refer to my anatomy as male, in male terms (I even avoid the word "breasts" in reference to myself--it's always "chest"; it helps me feel better about the whole affair). What bothers me the most is the lack of nuts. I don't hear many people talk about it, but... I feel more empty in that area than where my cock is. Maybe I'm weird. Packing just doesn't appeal to me, but I might try it sometime.

[ConfusedMichelle]

Whoa it's called Lambda at my school too. Crazy

[tekla]

Lambda, from the Greek letter, has been associated with the gay movement since the 70s.

as to why?

http://www.crwflags.com/FOTW/flags/qq-lbd.html

[ConfusedMichelle]

Very interesting, Tekla 

[tekla]

For a while it was real trendy for gay men to get that tattooed on their arm, which is how I found out about it, when I first came across it I assumed it was L for Lesbian, but that was wrong.

[Elwood]

Whoa it's called Lambda at my school too. Crazy

Not really. The Lambda symbol used to be the symbol for queers in the 70's.