Ruminations before GRS

[Jeannette]

Finally my GRS is around the corner. October 27 is the day I've longed for since I can remember.  My prayers of waking up a girl will lastly be realised & I don't know if I'm preparing myself adequately for all the GRS-related events that will unfold moments before or after surgery.   How will I do?  What will cross my mind moments before GRS? What will my  thoughts be when I wake up and see my new vagina? How will I feel knowing that I'm free at last? Right now, those are only questions & no matter how hard I try to find answers, I can't. I've been in a ecstatic high since I scheduled my surgery, but will that high get replaced by a sense of a different feeling hours before my surgery?  Your thoughts pleeeeease?

[Kate]

I don't think there's any way to really predict how you'll feel... at least when going by my own experience. I thought I'd be all emotional on the way in, but I mostly kept thinking, "wow, these blankets are so warm and comfy!" (they had warming blankets in the prep room). I actually dozed off for a few moments, lol. It was just such a HUGE relief to *know* it was really going to happen now... that I'd made it at last.

Even in the op room, I was weirdly relaxed about it all. I actually felt GUILTY, lol... as I could see and hear all the people klinking tools around, getting ready for me... and I felt like such a pain to them, causing all this fuss for them just because of a little gender problem thing of mine, lol.

Not exactly the big, religious experience I thought it'd be, lol.

Afterwards, my very first thought upon lucidity was, "I'm alive! Wow that was quick! I hope they didn't need a graft! I can feel my leg... doesn't hurt! Guess they didn't! Hooray! Wow, these drugs are pretty cool..."

I honestly wondered if I'd freak out when seeing the new genitals. Not that I doubted I needed to do this, but it IS quite a drastic change after all. But all I could think of was, "finally!" You'll have awhile to get used to the idea too, since there's dressings and packings for awhile to get through. And you're so darn busy afterwards with baths, douching, dialating eventually... and catheters, dressings being changed, on and on... you don't really get much time for the emotional weight to sink in.

Oh for sure, you'll have your cryfest moments of "I can't believe I finally did it!" But then... it's time for your next dialation or bath, lol.

Congratulations!!!! It IS sooooo close now!!!!

~ Katie Marie ~

[Blanche]

You're going to be happy darling! Don't fret on situations that you'll overcome!
Je penserai à toi et enverrai de bonnes pensées

[tinkerbell]

Finally my GRS is around the corner. October 27 is the day I've longed for since I can remember.

First of all, congratulations Jeannette.  I'm so thrilled for you!

My prayers of waking up a girl will lastly be realised & I don't know if I'm preparing myself adequately for all the GRS-related events that will unfold moments before or after surgery.   How will I do?  What will cross my mind moments before GRS? What will my  thoughts be when I wake up and see my new vagina? How will I feel knowing that I'm free at last? Right now, those are only questions & no matter how hard I try to find answers, I can't. I've been in a ecstatic high since I scheduled my surgery, but will that high get replaced by a sense of a different feeling hours before my surgery?  Your thoughts pleeeeease?

It is totally understandable to be wondering about these things, Jeannette, especially when your surgery date is so close and considering that this is a major, life-altering operation that will change your life in countless ways.   No one can predict with absolute certainty how *you* will feel exactly; however, we can share our experiences and hopefully they will more or less prepare you for what it's coming?

How will I feel knowing that I'm free at last?

I presume you will feel elated...really...there's no other way to put it.  The feeling of completion that comes after SRS is so profound an unique to each individual that it is rather difficult to express it on a post or in writing.  But let's see..

What will cross my mind moments before GRS?

Moments as in minutes?

...my mom and auntie gave me a kiss, I could tell they wanted to cry but did not.  All they said was "see you"....as they wheeled me to the OR my whole life came to my mind in a matter of seconds.

For me, that's how it felt.  My entire life came to my mind like flashbacks or picture slides if you will.  It all happened so quickly, in a matter of seconds, but at the same time that little trip to the OR seemed never-ending.  I remembered my childhood, the pain of being born with the wrong body, the bullies at school, my grandpa, my first therapy session, the day when I told my parents, my electrolysis sessions, my first hormone pill.  I felt as if I were leaving all that behind me, going to a peaceful place, and that a new horizon, one without pain and sorrow was waiting for me.

What will my  thoughts be when I wake up and see my new vagina?

Ummm... you won't see your vagina "after you wake up".  As a matter of fact, it will take a few days before you can see it, and let me tell you, it will not be a very pleasant experience.

....he gave me a mirror and showed me how it looked down there...and while he was saying the words, clitoris..labia majora..and I don't know what else...I began to cry ---- not because of happiness ----- but because it looked (I can't even find the right adjective) HORRIBLE, AWFUL, DREADFUL.   My God! for a moment I thought "what have I done to myself?"  The bruising, the redness, the purplish color, the swelling ...not only "there"...but on my thighs...the whole look of it was a terrible, undescribable sight.

But as everything else, this will get better as you recover and heal; hence please do not think that it will stay like that forever, for it is only a temporary phase.

Again, congratulations and my most sincere wishes for a wonderful experience and a speedy recovery!

*hugs*

tink

[Ms.Behavin]

Hum...well for me there was no worries about getting on the table,  other then getting to the table that is.  gee, the plane could crash, the Lemo coul crash, I could miss my flight, etc, etc.  but none of that happened.  Ha I even looked forward to the bowel prep...but I'm strange.  I was excited the morning of surgery.  Gee everything happened so quick and then the lights when out.  When I  first woke up,  I did know know where I was,  then the nurse asked me if  I was ok and where did it hurt.  Then I remembered.  Though for me what hurt the most was my left leg where it had been in the sturrup.  Very  little real pain from the GRS,  More frm the BA, which was done at the same time

The first day I was pretty out of it and the morphine button was my friend.  I did not get to see the results for about 5 days when the folley came out.  Be prepaired for the Bride of Frankenstine look.  It was... OMG, it looks BAD!!!.  But as the swelling and redness goes down, things start looking normal.  But that's a few weeks to 3 monts down the road.  Well after three months things were really looking nomal and very good.  But I was happy even with the bride of frankenstine look.

Best of luck to you
Beni

[Flan Princess]

I hope this isn't viewed as a useless sarcastic remark when I think out loud say that I hope you have a business class ticket, 'cause I would think it sux to go and become "reborn" only to have to come back in cattle class. (to get cattle class food and a cattle class seat and...)

I just say this because it was the first thing that went through my little pea brain.
Hope everything goes smooth as gravy.

[Northern Jane]

Getting to Colorado was quite an adventure due to bad weather, idiot border guards, and what-not so i was just totally focused on getting there!

After getting there, the nail-biter was the interview with the surgeon - in those days the surgeon had to figure you were 'passable' and could go on to live a normal life. For all of 5 minutes I was petrified he would say "No." - he didn't.

It had been such a long hard struggle to get there and SRS seemed such an impossibility that I wasn't sure it was going to happen until I was in the OR and they started the anesthetic - I just watched in disbelief wondering what was going to happen to stop it. I said something to the anesthesiologist to the effect, "If I don't wake up a girl, I don't want to wake up."

About 6 hours later, I woke up, VERY groggy, lifted the covers, saw the bandages, and thought "It's done! Free at last!" and went back to sleep with the biggest smile ever!

When I woke up again, I WAS me, just plain ol' me, and free. For years I never looked back, just lived life to its fullest.

When you have spent your life in a dungeon, there are no words to describe freedom!

[Miranda_N]

Well how 'bout that... a perfect thread to make my first post to this forum.

I've got a date w/ Brassard (and scalpel) on 10/22. Jeannette, thanks for ruminatin'! And many thanks to posters all for sharing your thoughts. Truly great stuff.

For me, living has become quite vivid. The consequences of yielding to this call (getting scheduled) appeared first like the thin line of a mountain range on the horizon. Now, approaching the foot of these mountains, well, egads, almost there!

I know, I know, after GRS, chopping wood, carrying lube, yada yada.

into the future...

Miranda

[Flan Princess]

Welcome to Susan's Miranda

Congratulations on your date (to be) with Dr. Brassard.
I wish I were anywhere near my GRS date. 
Then again, I'm just an idiot who thinks half the fun is the plane ride. 

[tinkerbell]

I know, I know, after GRS, chopping wood, carrying lube, yada yada.

into the future...

Miranda

...and your doughnut, and your three (or four) inseparable friends that will go with you wherever you go *giggles*    Incidentally, congratulations on your upcoming SRS, Miranda.  If you would like a ticker to place under your signature, here it is:

tink

[Miranda_N]

hi again...

Speaking of ruminations, I was thinking of having my chart (astrological) done and was wondering what would the 'time of (2nd) birth' be? I could take a midpoint between going under and coming out of anesthesia. I can't think there is any point in surgery where they exclaim, 'THERE SHE IS!'. I don't suppose the time has to be THAT precise to get a fix on the chart.

This is easily the most incredible days of my life. I am filled with expectancy and find the days perfectly ripened. I'm sooo ready.

breathe on...

Miranda

[iFindMeHere]

I hope this isn't viewed as a useless sarcastic remark when I think out loud say that I hope you have a business class ticket, 'cause I would think it sux to go and become "reborn" only to have to come back in cattle class. (to get cattle class food and a cattle class seat and...)

I just say this because it was the first thing that went through my little pea brain.
Hope everything goes smooth as gravy.

ooohhh, goood, yeeeaaahhh... i HATE HATE HATE economy class. First or Business is awesome. I need to save the extra for that when it's my time...

[Butterfly]

Marvelous topic Jeannette & ty kindly to all the posters for sharing your experiences!

[Valentina]

Before the day I was having depressive episodes but when we got to Phuket everybody made us feel at home & treated us so nicely that I relaxed for the most part.  I experienced some nausea & vomiting because of the anaesthesia but the nurses were there whenever I needed something. My parents were also there helping me with what they could.  It helped having them for support & I'd tell anyone wishing to go thru this type of surgery have someone with them at all times.  Nurses can help you but understand that you're not the only patient & they answer that call button on a first called first served basis.

Frankenstine look's right Beni not a very pretty look at first but mine's getting better & yours will too Jeannette.  Don't think anybody's mentioned about the itching.  embarrassing when you're travelling with 250 passengers for 20 hours.  Don't fret Jeannette. It'll be over before you know it. 

When you have spent your life in a dungeon, there are no words to describe freedom!

It doesnt matter how painful, how many miles you've got to travel, how strenuous the follow up care is.  Freedom is everything & I'm free.  Good luck with surgery Jeannette!

[Jeannette]

This is it. there's no turning back, not that I want to turn back, not at all.  I'm going to get what I always wanted all my life & it all is so sureal. unbelievably so.  These past months I've felt some anxiety building up at the tip of my toes, going up thru my legs, stomach & intensified with every thought of my GRS, every talk I've had with my fiance about it has brought tears to my eyes but here I am, only days away from the day I've longed for since ever.  Emotionally I'm okay, I'll not be alone during my surgery & that's a blessing.  This is it. I'm very ready for the last chapter of my transition. Dunno what I else to say other than thank you to everybody that's helped me realise this dream. Until next time & many thanks to all.

[iFindMeHere]

Wow this really IS right around the corner now! Best wishes dear!

[pennyjane]

ten days....ok, breathe...breathe again...there you go.....now keep it up.

i don't know how you'll feel....before i just kept singing a happy little jingle i made up..."the gender fairy's coming...the gender fairy's coming.."

coming awake....where the heck am i?  <OUCH>  oh, yes....the gender fairy came....

first sight....,YEOWWWW.....what the heck is that?
second sight.....it could be....yes....it is!

catheter out....pee....<all over the place, in my case> praise God and the gender fairy He created...go home and enjoy the heck out of everything from then on.  God bless, may He be with you and guide your surgeon's hand and may the experience be all you ever dreamed of.

Posted on: October 17, 2008, 01:56:30 pmoh gracious.....what wonderful feelings come up thinking of right where you are.  i found it amusing how many people kept telling me how it would be ok to back out...are you kidding me?

i don't know where you are going, but if it's trinidad be sure to climb the hill in front of mt san raphael's to visit the chapel of ava maria.  that's where so many of us crossed the event horizon, zoomed in and came out the other side.  over the years there have been so many of us sit down up there and recieve the blessing...i think it's a natural occurance up there now.  but, wherever it is, it's still the event horizon and you will come out the other side!  God bless with...  ratz!  i've a wonderful pic i'd just love to post right here...but i don't know how!  help?

[Robyn]

This is it. I'm very ready for the last chapter of my transition.

I thought SRS was 'it,' too.  I lifted the sheets, pumped my fist in the air (Yes!!!), and was very happy to see both my husband and a smiling Dr. Meltzer.

Demarol pump was a good friend for a couple of days.  Was happy to get the packing out.  Dilating was a bit of a challenge until someone recommended prelubing the vagina as well as the stent.  Yes, Bachelor #3 goes on all my trips, right up front where TSA doesn't have to dig to find him.

But was SRS the end of the journey?  No way.  After SRS there is life to be lived and other work to be done.  I never expected to become a transactivist, to lobby Congress, to find my name all over the Internet, to be the project manager again as a female.  And on and on and on.  It's just backwards now and in high heels.

You will do fine with whatever your continuing journey brings ... backwards and in high heels.

Robyn

[tinkerbell]

This is it. there's no turning back, not that I want to turn back, not at all.  I'm going to get what I always wanted all my life & it all is so sureal. unbelievably so.  These past months I've felt some anxiety building up at the tip of my toes, going up thru my legs, stomach & intensified with every thought of my GRS, every talk I've had with my fiance about it has brought tears to my eyes but here I am, only days away from the day I've longed for since ever.  Emotionally I'm okay, I'll not be alone during my surgery & that's a blessing.  This is it. I'm very ready for the last chapter of my transition. Dunno what I else to say other than thank you to everybody that's helped me realise this dream. Until next time & many thanks to all.

The best of luck to you dear! try to have fun and enjoy your trip to the fullest!



tink

[pennyjane]

ok, i'm a dummy...but is there even anyone around willing to help?


Posted on: October 20, 2008, 09:29:23 amthank you all for your kind answers to my plea for help.  it's comforting to be among such giving, caring people.