How should I do it?

[Yochanan]

I'm getting to the point where I just about can't stand living this way anymore. I'm going to have to come out to my mother, soon, so I can begin the big switch (not to mention my biodad told me yesterday to do it while I'm still on my stepmom's insurance, because it covers it). I know she will not accept me as a transperson (she told me so) because my biodad is a transwoman and my mom just about thinks I worship my 'dad'. Well, I do look up to her, but if I was trying to imitate her, I would not be male, I would be female. Also, this has been going on longer than I've known my 'dad'. I am also absolutely terrified about not being able to be with my four year old sister. My mother will not want me around her, obviously (despite the fact that the baby does not know my sex anyway and probably wouldn't care/remember if I transitioned now and would just think she had two brothers all along). I've been a third parent to that kid since she was, well, in the womb (I was one of the first two who knew she was coming--I saw the test turn pink). But I digress.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I should go about coming out? I want to do it sometime next year, but I'm going to wait until things die down a bit on my mom's end. This probably means waiting until after my grandma dies (it's not going to be long), with a period after to let my mom get a grip again. So maybe by my birthday in March. But what should I say? Should I do it in her place or invite her over, or do it over the phone, or a letter? I've got to be prepared for a helluva lot of drama centering around this issue, which will involve the entire family, on both coasts. I don't want to lose my family, but at this point it is getting to be either come out or lose my damn life to my own hand.

I am feeling really anxious about the whole issue.

[PolarBear]

Hey there,

I wouldn't do it over the phone if I were you. If you can do it in person, I think that is best. Or write her a letter and let her read that while you are sitting there with her.
I understand that you want to wait a bit before telling her, what with her mother being very ill at the moment. But please remember there is no such thing as perfect timing. There will always be something going on.

As for what to say, I have no idea. I am struggling with that as well. I dread the day I might come out to my parents. Even though I live on my own and stand on my own two feet, they are still my parents and I value their opinion. In your case it may be harder because of the situation with your biodad and how your mom feels about that.

Good luck,
Vincent

[NicholeW.]

I think PolarBear is absolutely right. In-person will be the best way to talk to someone about yourself. Phone is too impersonal and even though it may supply you with what you think should be a safe distance, it will also give you an unwanted distance to express and show your own feelings and receive hers.

I know, you think that sounds just about at your comfort-level. But actually the interactions between people over something as huge as this really does work better in person. You can always ask to meet people at coffee-shoppes though if you feel the emotional level and possible physical level would be best cushioned by having others around.

Just my $.02

Nichole

[Sephirah]

I agree with Nikki and Vincent, John, this is something you have to do while looking her in the eyes and standing your ground.

And, I would add that it might be a good idea to tell her when there's very little else going on to unnecessarlily enflame the situation. Choose a time where this will be the only thing you have to talk about and can both concentrate on working through it without either of you being distracted by other things.

As for what to say... that's something that only you can decide. I suggest writing down everything you want to say, and if it doesn't look right or if there's something you're not happy with then keep editing it until you've got your feelings and your side of the conversation clear in your mind.

Just remember, honey, this is your life and you have a right to live it the way you want to, to be happy in your own skin. Because when you are, and are content with who you are, that security will filter through into other aspects of your life, and everyone will benefit.

Would your mother rather have a son who is happy and able to concentrate more on caring for and helping those he loves... or a 'daughter' who is constantly miserable, self-focused and self-destructive because of the constant pain from looking in a mirror and hating the reflection?

You can do this, John. Just stay calm and stay focused on what you want to say and who you want to be. You aren't becoming someone different, you're the same person you always were, you're just changing your outside to match. Your mother has always had a son, she just doesn't realise it yet.

*hugs*

[Yochanan]

I understand that you want to wait a bit before telling her, what with her mother being very ill at the moment. But please remember there is no such thing as perfect timing. There will always be something going on.

This is what I have been realizing lately. There's always drama centered around my mom. I'll just wait for an opportune moment when her stress is down.

Would your mother rather have a son who is happy and able to concentrate more on caring for and helping those he loves... or a 'daughter' who is constantly miserable, self-focused and self-destructive because of the constant pain from looking in a mirror and hating the reflection?

Knowing my mother, she would prefer the latter... but maybe she will understand if I explain it that way.

My other mom (biodad) says we are going to talk about it and she is going to help me. It will probably happen around my birthday (March 17) if I am doing alright in school and have no other major issues going on.

I kind of feel like I'm scheduling out exactly when I'm going to ruin my mother's life...

[Elwood]

In my experience, there is no right time to come out. No matter when I could have chosen to say it, my mom still completely rejected the idea and rejected me (at least the real me). There's always a risk.

[Yochanan]

I'm certain that, at least at first, my mom will completely reject the idea of me being a boy. She's going to blame my other mom, probably either cry a lot or yell a lot (or both), maybe hit me (though hopefully my other mom will be there to stop her if she does; I won't fight back. I'm eighteen and she'd probably get me thrown in jail. Plus, I don't want to hurt her; she bruises easily), most likely get the whole family involved and have them call me up crying or yelling, and when she realizes I won't back down, she will probably resort to begging. Then when I refuse to succumb, she will banish me from her house and life until I do as she wants. Unfortunately, I won't be a girl for her, or for anyone. It just ain't me.

My best scenario is, she cries a lot, banishes me from the house, and calls me up begging for me to keep in touch after months of ignoring/hating me. I'll take it. Even a mother who hates what I'm doing but loves me is better than one who hates what I'm doing and hates me, too.

This would all be easier if my other mom wasn't trans, too. Then again, if that were the case, I'd either have a "dad" or I wouldn't have been born (if she'd been born right, she couldn't've fathered me, of course). Sometimes I wish the latter were the case.

[Elwood]

I feel the same way. I won't be a girl for anyone.

I left my mom's house before she could banish me. Two months after I came out I moved 500 miles away from her.

[Yochanan]

I moved out over a year ago, so at least I won't have to worry about that. Once my mom decides she hates me, at least I won't have to stay in her house. At least I've got my other mom and my stepmom and a couple friends. But then, there's the fact that I won't see my little sister grow up. I won't have any support from my maternal family. I will miss out on who knows how many months or years with them.

I wish I could say this drama I'm predicting is an overreaction on my part, but... based on my life and my past experiences, it's spot on.

[Elwood]

Yeah. I personally DID NOT expect the reaction I got. I thought my parents would support me, or at least try to help. Instead, they just want me to "untrans" my sick queer self.

[Arch]

John, can you come out in a therapy session? Maybe ask around and find other guys who have done that, and see if they think it helped? I'm pretty sure Nate came out in a session.

Definitely not over the phone, though. You can do it in person but prepare a letter to read to them or for them to read.

Some times are better than others to come out, but I'm with Elwood: there's probably no "right" time to do it--except when it's right for YOU.

[iFindMeHere]

ok, i've got a crazy idea.

You're worried about violence and fighting, right? Would your mom pull that in public? If not, what about you two go to a restaurant or coffee shop with outdoor seating? That way 1) she's in public and so may feel more constrained in her reactions and 2) if she *does* lose her self-control, you have a way to get out.

Feel free to disregard of course.

[Yochanan]

I doubt she'd have any qualms about beating the s*** out of me in public. This is the woman who went after my first boyfriend at his house with a pipe after she found out I was with him.

I visited my older sister yesterday, and I was, well, quite surprised. She made sure our conversation would stay between us, then she just opened up and started basically ranting about our mother. I found out several things about our mom that I am not going to post here. Suffice it to say, after comparing notes with my sister, I've come to the conclusion that my mother is very, very sick and needs help as immediately as possible. I am going to try to arrange an intervention (among other things, my mother is a lying, stealing drug addict). I have a four-year-old sister to think about, and since it is not just me worried that the baby will either end up killed, injured, or as screwed up as us older kids due to our mother's problems, I think it is time to take action. (These fears are not unwarranted--my mom almost killed me when I was thirteen by taking me to school all doped up on xanax. She crashed two cars in as many weeks; I was in the first, which traumatized me, and if I'd been in the second [I almost was] I would be dead right now.)

This, of course, means I will suspend coming out until she is more stable, which could take months or years.

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. I appreciate it.

[Arch]

This, of course, means I will suspend coming out until she is more stable, which could take months or years.

Um, okay, don't take this the wrong way, but do you mean that you'll suspend coming out TO HER until she is more stable? What exactly does that entail? Suspending transition for months or years JUST FOR HER? Or starting transition when it's right for you, and keeping your distance FROM HER?

I do NOT want to suggest that you are handling your trans-related issues in "the wrong way." Every transman finds his own path. And I'm not entirely sure what you are planning for the long run. But I have a keen interest in your mental health (let's face it, I like talking to you, and I like your posts), and I'm just worried that you'll put your whole life, perhaps including your emotional health, on a shelf while you wait for your mother to become healthier. I recognize that you don't want to be seen as contributing to her problems, but at some point you may (no, you almost certainly WILL) begin to feel that you must live your life as you must live it, regardless of what other people think, even your mother. That time might not be now, but do expect it at some future date so that it doesn't blindside you. The things that we hide from ourselves, the things that we do not or cannot recognize, acquire a frightening power while they hunch in the caves that we put them in. And when they come out, they often come out with a vengeful fury and hurt us. This I know from hard experience because it has happened to me. I've done it to myself, and the psychological carnage was an awful thing to behold--still is, in many ways.

You might think that this advice is rather flip because I cut off my own family and don't have to contend with them while I come out. But I stayed with my parents until I was twenty-one. I know what it's like to put up with a certain amount of maternal crap from a person who isn't fully stable. And I had gender and sexuality issues, confused and compartmentalized as they were, at the back of my mind while I was growing up and moving out. So my experiences and advice are likely more relevant than they might first appear.

Whatever you do, don't forget to take care of yourself. You're the only one who can really do that.

[Yochanan]

It's not really for her, it's more for my four year old sister. My mom is, well, pretty crazy, and even though I'm not living with them, I do what I can to protect her from mom. If I come out to my mom and she cuts all ties, where will that leave baby? Stuck with a drug addicted, neglectful, downright mean mother who will be more worried about her next buzz than the baby's next meal.

I recognize that you don't want to be seen as contributing to her problems, but at some point you may (no, you almost certainly WILL) begin to feel that you must live your life as you must live it, regardless of what other people think, even your mother. That time might not be now, but do expect it at some future date so that it doesn't blindside you. The things that we hide from ourselves, the things that we do not or cannot recognize, acquire a frightening power while they hunch in the caves that we put them in. And when they come out, they often come out with a vengeful fury and hurt us. This I know from hard experience because it has happened to me. I've done it to myself, and the psychological carnage was an awful thing to behold--still is, in many ways.

I think I'm starting to get to that point. It's absolutely terrifying, but my path is becoming clearer every day. My mom is a bad person. I'll do my best to help her and the family, but after everything she has put me through, I think it's getting to be time for me to do what I've got to do. After yesterday, I believe I may have a potential ally in my sister. She's not the mom-clone I've always seen her as. She's got her own thoughts and opinions, and said yesterday that she has to have her own life. Well, she's right, and it applies to me, as well.

[iFindMeHere]

this is scary. I wish I had an idea to help. I get the idea you couldn't care for a child right about now, or i'd suggest trying convince your mom to let you take her.

I guess I would consider doing whats right for you and simply not discussing it with your mom. I don't know what to tell you except that we're all pulling for you around here... lots of hugs. you can message me, PM, AIM, whatever, if you need to talk.

[PolarBear]

Hey John,

I don't really know what to say about the situation with your mom and the little one. Please proceed with caution, you got me starting to worry.

Hoping everything will turn out as well as can be,
PolarBear