How early did you know of/display your true gender?

[Alyssa M.]

But I feel that stereotype does a disservice to those of us who lacked the boldness to challenge the system though we always knew inside something was different.

Well said, Hypatia. This is key. In this society it takes an enormously confident and independent child to challenge the gender assigned by others. Those of us who are meek by nature, followers rather than leaders, are more likely to try to just go along with what others say and think, however strong the conflict this causes.

[PolarBear]

When I was little I wanted to become a boy when I grew up. There was no sense of urgency about it, though. More a sense of, feeling right I guess. It wasn't that I was hating the fact that I was a girl, just that I wanted to be a boy.
I have no recollection at all about how my parents (and/or my older sisters) reacted to this. They probably thought it was a phase I would grow out of.

And it seemed like I did, for a while. I did not feel the need or want to become a boy anymore, I was just going through the motions I guess. When puberty hit, I already knew what was going to happen to my body. I did not feel one way or the other about it. I was not "thrilled" to "become a woman", but I was not angry/depressed about it either. It just was.
Looking at it like that, it seems I was really detached about the whole thing. I had no real feelings one way or the other about my body and the changes it was going through.

I guess I felt the same about puberty as I did when I was little and people called me a boy and my mum corrected them "No, she's a girl."
I did not mind them calling me a boy, and I did not mind my mum telling them I was a girl either. (Yes, I passed even when I was 4 or 5 years old, I guess. I still do pass easily, a blessing I am grateful for.)

Only now am I beginning to really "feel" about my body. About high time, reading back what I just wrote. The feelings are not always nice, but at least they are there. I guess it is better than the numbness, in a way.


Anyway... to answer the question...
Either I knew when I was really little (see above), or since a year or so when I started to really question myself and my gender identity. Both answers seem correct in my case.

[Nero]

But I feel that stereotype does a disservice to those of us who lacked the boldness to challenge the system though we always knew inside something was different.

Well said, Hypatia. This is key. In this society it takes an enormously confident and independent child to challenge the gender assigned by others. Those of us who are meek by nature, followers rather than leaders, are more likely to try to just go along with what others say and think, however strong the conflict this causes.

yep. i think alot also depends on the child's environment. a child with strict parents severely punished for minor infractions would probably be a lot less likely to challenge the system.

[JonasCarminis]

i voted 3-4 years because hats when i got my hair cut and began to choose more boyish clothes over girlier ones.  my parents were always pretty much just "whatever... clothes arent hurting anyone."  they pretty much always let me wear what i want and get my hair cut how i liked it.  my mom has this thing about hair being hair and hair grows.  i never wore anyhing indecent either, so my [arents were perfectly fine with my jeans and Tshirts.

only problem came in 8th grade when my mom forced me to start wearing a bra.  luckily i was a late bloomer.  i was made fun of a lot in middle school and called names tha maed me deny anyhing about my transness.  i didnt know what most of the names meant, but now that i think back, some of them were true.

after 9th grade i was tired of being beaten up and made fun of so i grew my hair out and moved to a new school where i wore girl clothes.  that lasted 2 years.  i realized my transness about halfway through my junior year and began wearing a binder.  i didnt want to come out publicly o i waited till the last day of school to cut my hair and buy new clothes.  i took my friends with me and i spent about $300 on clothes that day.

so in short...

How early were you aware of and/or display your true gender?
about 4ish.

At what age were you aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?
6 or so.   about when people started mistaking me for a boy a lot.

And/or at what age were the adults in your life aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?
about the same time as i was.

[tinkerbell]

How early were you aware of and/or display your true gender?

I knew that I wasn't a boy when I was three or four, but naturally at that age, I couldn't describe how I felt in medical terms.  All I knew was that there were boys and there were girls, and for dang sure I was a girl, but everyone else said I was wrong.

At what age were you aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

Very early in life as well (see above).  This is an interesting question because I was never aware that I was "acting" in a manner which was "inappropriate for boys".  I was never your "typical boy" if that's what you are asking.  I was always very feminine in appearance and behavior; hence, I am certain that initially there were some people who thought I was "imitating" girls or believed that I was eventually going to "become gay"; nonetheless, that is how I naturally was, even at that young age. There was no "emulation" on my part at all.

And/or at what age were the adults in your life aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

My mom was the first person I told in my own way. (I was four).  According to conversations I've had with my mom after I transitioned, she thought I was going through a childhood phase of some sort.  I was her first child, and she was young, somewhat inexperienced with young children, alas her naive assumption that this was only a temporary stage of development.  It was when they (family members) finally realized that "this phase" was not ending that hell started i.e, people's constant lectures on how to be a "real boy", confusion, the hatred towards my anatomy, my depression, my prayers to a God who never seemed to listen, conformity, and ultimately denial until years later when the pain was so overwhelming that I couldn't continue living a lie anymore.


tink

[Laura91]

How early were you aware of and/or display your true gender?

When I was 4.

t what age were you aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

As soon as I could form thoughts in my head

And/or at what age were the adults in your life aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

Well, even though there were a few incidents throughout my childhood that I viewed as being significant, but none of them noticed anything. Once I came out in 06 THEN they knew what was going on. Way to be on the ball there, guys. 

[sd]

How early were you aware of and/or display your true gender?
As far back as I can remember I knew I was not a boy (I wasn't sure I was a girl though), I tried expressing it, but it was pretty obvious no one was having any part of it so I repressed it in order to stay out of trouble (friends, family, bullies).

At what age were you aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?
See above.

And/or at what age were the adults in your life aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?
I am sure they have/do suspect.

[Maebh]

How early were you aware of and/or display your true gender?

I must have been 3 or 4. I remember crying and kicking because I didn't want my hair cut like a boy. As soon as we were home I got a belting for having made a show.

At what age were you aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

Around the same age, I prefered girls things they were much more prettier than boys.

And/or at what age were the adults in your life aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

I came out to my sister when I was 5 or 6. she thought it was great to have a "little sister" as she was an only girl with 5 brothers.. Sometime later my mother caught me wearing my sister clothes. Again I got a terrible beating for it. After that I went underground, tried to look and behave macho until I left home at 16. I always was open with all my girlfriends and they always accepted me as I am. Lately I have come out  some of my closest male friends and they are ok with it. Last year I gave my father a photo of Maebh and his comment was that I look much better as a woman. My mother tore the one I gave her.


LL&R
Maebh

[umop ap!sdn]

As early as I can remember having friends I naturally gravitated towards socializing with girls. One friend would sort of play house except we took turns one being the mommy and the other being the baby. I was never interested in playing games with boys. But hey, boys were supposed to like girls so I thought that must be what it is. I can remember around 5 or 6 being teased in falsetto because I liked to let my hair grow long & comb it down rather than wear any sort of boys' cut, and I despised boy clothes, preferring anything unisex that I could wear. So with all that teasing (by parents), I became very afraid to be myself for a long time. I also didn't want to be like my mother who used to hit me.

Around 12-13 is when I started wishing I had the right anatomy. I still looked like a girl and I wanted to stay that way for as long as possible. I was scared you-know-what-less of growing up to become a man but I didn't feel I could express that because I'd get teased some more. (Actually I was still getting teased.) I just thought hey nobody could possibly want to be a guy, they must all feel the same way. I thought it was a matter of oh well sucks deal with it, and hope my actual future didn't resemble my nightmares (and I certainly had them). I'd heard of such a thing as a "sex change" and knew I wanted to get one of those someday. By 16 the feelings had only gotten stronger and the wrong physical changes were starting.

It wasn't until I was 23 and I realized there's an alternative that I said alright I can't do this anymore. And then for the very first time I tried on an article of feminine clothing and loved it. It was a dark green 3/4 sleeve top and for the longest time it was my favorite article of clothing. I still have it.

[trbrink]

How early were you aware of and/or display your true gender?

My earliest memories were that I was a girl.....and getting in trouble because I "wasn't a girl". I dressed as a girl as much as my mother would allow when I was in my early years.... I was actually able to talk my mother in allowing me to go to school dressed as a girl (2nd grade).....However, I was promptly sent home and my mother got to answer to the principle.  My mother soon after didn't support me dressing as a girl and it was "strongly discouraged".

At what age were you aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

By the time I reached high school, I knew something was desperately wrong.  I associated totally with the girls, and I didn't have a clue where the guys were coming from.  I was scrawny kid and didn't fit in at all with the guys. I hated gym, mainly due to an uncomfortableness with my body and seeing other "male" bodies in the locker room, so I didn't attend it for 2 1/2 years.....the funny part was that in the end to graduate, I had to attend gym twice a day, for my last 1 1/2 years of high school and they forced me to take gym with "the girls".(The lady that was my guidance consular must have had me "pegged" back then, even though it was never discussed)

There was never really a conscious admission "I am a girl" in high school.  I displayed all the traits, but by that time I had repressed the admission to the point that I operated under....... I just like this, or I do this because of some other lame reason.....examples being like, I wore makeup because I took drama and chorus and I "didn't want to look washed out under the lights".  I had to take gym with the girls because I missed my first two years and I was "assigned to the girls" by the guidance counselor, or I took sewing because "I might rip my pants someday", or cooking...because "everyone needs to know how to cook".  I was reading seventeen & self in high school, because "I wanted to know what the girls were thinking". HEELLOOOOOOO! I think there were a few signs here!!!

By college I was very depressed and suicidal, however I still couldn't admit to myself and others what was wrong.  I started dressing very adrogonously.  In my junior year I moved into a special dorm where the girls and the guys all used the same bathroom/showers/etc.  It was wonderful!!! Being in such close contact with other females my age helped my feminine self develop.  I finally purchased my first dress in my senior year of college.  By this time, I knew 100% who I was.....it then took me the 15 years to determine what I wanted to do about it, come out to everyone, and go through transition.

And/or at what age were the adults in your life aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

Well you would have had to been blind not to notice....my parents always said I was a little girly...."a little......Hello!!!!"....I never officially came out to them until just this year......They claim they never knew.....(I guess they thought all those girl's clothes I had when I came home from college must had belonged to my girlfriend!.....funny how they fit so well)

[Carolyn]

How early were you aware of and/or display your true gender?

About the time my sister was born I begin to understand that I was different, but it wasn't until I was age 5. I said to myself "I want to be a girl". But because of how my family was then I surpressed myself.

At what age were you aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

About age 8. I wanted to be just like any other girl.

And/or at what age were the adults in your life aware of your 'crossgender' feelings/behaviours?

Age 15 my Mom caught me in one of her dresses and she asked me why I was in her dress and my answer was "It made me feel Normal". After we talked she asked me to stop and I lied to her and said I would, then two months before I came out to her she asked if I counted to Cross-Dress and again I lied. But now she is trying to be supportive.

[Hypatia]

But I feel that stereotype does a disservice to those of us who lacked the boldness to challenge the system though we always knew inside something was different.

Well said, Hypatia. This is key. In this society it takes an enormously confident and independent child to challenge the gender assigned by others. Those of us who are meek by nature, followers rather than leaders, are more likely to try to just go along with what others say and think, however strong the conflict this causes.

Yeah and ironically it was my feminine nature itself which is linked to my issues of being so shy and retiring. Nowadays when I read feminist psychology, how women are too reluctant to assert themselves the way men do, I recognize myself in that.

And what points up the gender difference for me was, my one cousin is gay, when we were kids he easily ingratiated himself into all-girl gatherings, because being male he possessed the boldness and assertiveness to place himself wherever he wanted. Even when it meant defying gender boundaries like that, he's still a guy. Sociological studies have shown that in group dynamics where one person is male and everyone else is female, he will wind up dominating the proceedings. This was true of my gay cousin when he surrounded himself with girls.

Ironically, with my lack of assertiveness, I could only wish I could assimilate into female society as easily as my gay cousin did.

[iFindMeHere]

My story is a lot like hypatias.

I recall when I was about 5, hating the skirts I had to wear for chapel. "How come i have to wear it? that's a GIRL thing." I also remember my mom and i getting into a fight about jeans. She used to buy me boy jeans and it embarassed me that i had nothing to fill that spot. "Fine, we'll buy you girl jeans." Wrong answer mom. I wanted Gi Joe. I wanted Tonka Trucks. But like Hypatia, i grew up in a household where I was silenced. So I vacillated between wanting mom to be happy (ok i'm gonna wear dresses now) and wanting to be happy myself (ew gimme my pants! what's this pink business? gross!)

I always felt more comfortable around guys but wondered why so many of them (especially once i hit 10 or so) treated me like I couldn't possibly understand because i "was a girl." The girls made it VERY clear I should not make friends with them, even getting jumped in the bathroom. In fact I didn't really make female friends until my mid 20s.

When I was 10, mom made me wear a bra *shudders*... which of course i would take off and hide every chance i got. I even stuffed socks in them once trying to make her happy... she didn't notice. Age 12 I discovered Grunge music. Aside from seeming novelty acts like Bikini Kill (COME ON I WAS 12!) it was a male-dominated genre. I dolised Kurt Cobain (that's about the LEAST fu--uh--messed up thing about my childhood)... at 14 started dressing like him most of the time... and realised.. hey, this feels *good*. What is the word for this?

Sheltered little jeebusite I was, the closest I could come was bisexual... which i guess is true but in the wrong direction? these explorations were quickly disguised because I was "going to hell". I didn't go to public school by then so hiding my relationships was easy. Should I get involved with a guy, well, that i could mention... nevermind my "soulmate" at that age was trans til diagnosed Kleinfelters (WTF).... even uncrossed he made a better girl than i did...

finished high school and whoops, no more me! time to be a girl. Fortunately i knew it was coming and was able to stock up on girl clothes.... college, suicidal depression, let's get married and have a baby, that'll make me stop feeling this way!

...whoops, nope. 10 months of terror and alienation from my body worse than usual. Grateful for the child now, but *shakes head* definitely complicating factor. that relationship ended... got ivolved with a really feminine boy and that really triggered me. I went through about 4 years of "gay man in a woman's body" (including having panic attacks cos I saw the freakbags in the mirror when i woke up--wtf is wrong with--? oh. yeah. tits.)

about january of this year I just... i couldn't dress like a girl anymore. depression worse and worse... wtf is wrong...? oh!! THIS MAKES SENSE! So now I'm here.

Yeah I bet that made sense to no one lol.

I have difficulty picking a specific radio button on this poll. For me the question isn't so simple.

I was manifesting cross-gender behavior as early as the age of 4, when I first began preschool. I felt impelled to align with the girls by inner urges that I did not know how to consciously articulate or understand at the time. I grew up always feeling uncomfortable, with a sense that I was a misfit, but unable to articulate to myself exactly why-- largely because of fear, and because nothing in my upbringing allowed any awareness of gender issues. You just did what you were told, or suffered punishment. As it was, I suffered plenty for not fitting in with the boys and constantly needing to align with the girls, let alone pursuing that issue in any depth. The authority figures maintained strict denial of that, and I wasn't bold enough to challenge the system, so I was coerced into denial too. I always hated the male roles imposed on me, and yearned for the feminine, but felt forced into denial.

In retrospect, I always felt drawn to model my life on that of my sister, so that I quietly absorbed as much as I could of her girlhood, vicariously and secretly, to avoid reprimands. I read her books, played her girly games and dolls, attended her tea parties and her Girl Scout meetings. I wore her dress when I was 10, and liked it, but only one time because I was afraid of being caught. My full awareness of who I was only evolved gradually over the years, to the extent I was able to get past the denial, and it wasn't until I was in college that I realized I should have been a woman. But it took many more years before I stopped burying the desire by telling myself it was impossible, and embraced my reality.

So these issues are not necessarily clearcut. My self-knowledge and actions are in bits and pieces spread out here and there throughout my lifetime, and it was only later in life that I was able to put all the pieces together, when in retrospect it all added up to clarity about who I had always been inside. And how through childhood trauma I had deeply buried so many pieces of evidence that when taken cumulatively in the full light, made it clear who I really am.

The standard, classical transsexual narrative has us all getting up on soapboxes from the age of 3 and proclaiming our true genders to the world in no uncertain terms. But I feel that stereotype does a disservice to those of us who lacked the boldness to challenge the system though we always knew inside something was different. We don't all have to fit exactly the same model to be accepted as legit.

As I've answered before to this question, the answer I could give might be age 4, 10, 22, 37, 43, or 45-- depending on how the awareness of this condition is defined. I spent most of my life deep in denial of this reality thanks to the trauma around it from early childhood.

[tekla]

I grew up wanting to be my mom.  To be the kind of person to my kids that she was to us.  I didn't even understand that entire gender deal, and when I did, I no longer cared. 

I always liked the girl stuff more than the boy stuff, even though I could do both.  So I did.  I remember when I was like 16 doing a show and having some of the big boys show up and say, in effect "we're like the guys, and we do audio, so you - lighting girl - stand aside."  "Sure, but I had the audio set up and dialed in hours ago, and now I'm working on the lights, and since that's for girls, I guess you are out of all your jobs tonight."  Oh well.

So it goes, and so it went.

I love to dress very fem, it never made me like boys more, or girls less, it just made me feel closer to who and what I was.

I had kids, and when I did I was ready to be a mother to them, and I would like to think I did OK at it.  The older one got some advantages that they younger one did not, and the younger one got a lot of stuff I didn't know the first time around - so I guess its a tie.

I loved being a mom, and it was very good to me.  It was the most important expression of my fem side I could ever hope for.

The rest as been easy after that.

[Hypatia]

It makes perfectly good sense, Lane. We get where you're coming from all right.

[Jay]

8-10 years I started dressing how I wanted to dress.. with a lot of arguements from  my mum trying to dress me in girly clothes.. I guess that, thats when my butch side started coming out..

[mr_marc]

I can only remember from when i was about 5 or 6, but my mum said i was always like a lad. Noisy, messy, destructive and what not and cried when she tried puttin me in dresses lol. Demanded i wore pants, or shorts.
Quite entertaining really.

[Victoria L.]

I knew something was wrong about fifth grade, then I figured out exactly what it was sometime in between 2002 and 2004... I mean I realized back in fifth grade that something was wrong, and that I didn't feel like I should be a boy... and a few years later I realized what being transgendered was.

I only very recently even started kind of displaying it. With the coming out to my closest friends I have ended up getting some girl's pants and a purse. I now wear the girl's pants to classes... Not the purse, but I did have it in public once.

[Sarah Dreams]

When I was seven is the earliest I remember feeling different. I played next door with the little girl who lived there. Her dolls and other female toys were fascinating to me. And I began to wonder what it would be like to wear her clothes. I never did, AFAIK, but then, the memory is hazy.

At ten, I wore a "nightdress" given to me by my grandmother. It was unisex, but it felt to me like a dress and evoked strange feelings in me. Once, I asked my younger sister to come into my room. I went into the closet and then, wearing the nightdress and a pair of my mom's shoes, literally stepped out of the closet and announced "Look! Instant girl." I felt delighted when my sister responded with "Yes!."

It was then that I realized my desire was to be a "real" girl. I desparately wanted long hair but my parents would not allow that. A boy in my class dressed up as a girl on one halloween and I envied him. He looked very pretty. I thought that I was ugly and would never be able to look how I felt I should. That's the moment that I began hating my male exterior.

In my early teens, I began cross-dressing in earnest looking for what I can only describe as release. When I dressed I fantasized that I was a real girl and in doing so felt someone stronger was emerging from deep inside me. I began going out at night as a girl and feeling free. Frightened of being caught, but strangely free. Of course it was because my source of female clothing was my mom's wardrobe that I kept getting caught by my dad. He was always angry, but never violent and I wasn't punished. I just think he was confused.

In my mid twenties, I was living 50% or so of my time as a girl. I would come home from work and immediately toss off my male role. I always wore some piece of feminine clothing underneath my male outfit. Pantyhose, panties, bra, etc. But I lacked the courage to go out in public. I felt that, even though my body was fairly feminine, my face was not, and I'd be made immediately. This had been reinforced in my early years by my father telling me, repeatedly, that "You'd make a real ugly girl." If he had known that I thought I really was a girl, would he have realised how much that hurt? God, I'm going to cry now just thinking about it.

[Hypatia]

(((Sarah)))
The past is over, it can touch me not
Let's celebrate now all we've got

I gave in and finally answered "3-4 years," since rereading my post it's clear that I began crossing genders at the age of 4. That was when I began preschool, the first time I'd ever been placed into a gendered situation and learned the hard way that such a thing as gender existed. And therefore my need to cross the boundary to get back to my innate girlhood. Prior to that, my sister and I, who are close together in age, had shared everything in life; we had no gender boundary between us when I was 3. I did not know she and I were supposed to be in different categories; as far as I knew, we were the same. Only when gender was imposed on us at school was I forced out of that early Eden of genderless girlhood.