This is the End, My Friend

[Sarah Dreams]

My wife came to me this morning and dropped it on me. We are separating. She wants to remain married on paper for financial reasons, trying to untangle we two would be very difficult, but we are going our separate ways.

It is an amicable split. Our finances will remain intertwined as they are, but our lives and living situations will be separate. And we are going to try to make this transparent to our two year old son. I am deeply saddened, but at the same time relieved. This means I can now live as I want - as a woman. This means I won't have to hide all the time.

Is my life destined to be confused and conflicted in every area? Oh, God help me: I'm scared.

[christene]

Im so sorry - but maybe it will be for the baest for the two of you....These situations are probably the most difficult of transistion...
And you know you nver know what will happen in the future. My gf has been back and forth with me over all this countless times, but I love her and want her to take her time. &%@% it took me 30 someting years to accept this, so I can't expect her to get a grip on it right away.

But stay strong and stay friends if at all possible.

[Janet_Girl]

My wife and I also separated, but we are now talking and being friends.  We have no children, but I can understand the separation from your son being the hardest.  Hopefully you will come to an understanding to see him.

I was not really happy to leave and sell our home, but for me to turned out OK.  I am happier now living as myself, a woman.

I prayfor you and your family.

[barbie]

Very sad.
That is the last scenario I would take.
Nowadays I see a lot of couples divorce even in this conservative country (S. Korea).
Just some words of consolation.

Barbie~~

[Wendy C]

Sarah, I know the pain and confusion that you are feeling and very few of us that have developed relationships and families escape this. I am one of the few that after a year am still with my wife but even at that it is nothing near what we used to have. We live together but a apart and I am at least grateful that she hasnt opposed me which allows me to progress at more or less a pace that she and I can both agree on.

Things will come and go that you will struggle with and wonder if there will ever be an end in sight and although I have only been actively transitioning for a year, I now see light at the end of the tunnel. I full well remember thinking just as you are. Hugs Hon, it will get better the further on you are.

Wendy

[Sarah Dreams]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I went for a drive, got a manicure and a massage and just thought about this. I cried to. Try not to drive and cry - it's worse than a cell phone.

She wants to remain good friends, but she just can't see how we can stay together. And I can see her side. She's hurt and confused even more than I am. I'll be living in the guest room until I can lease a place nearby. We plan on me coming and going as if nothing has happened. I'll still put my son to bed as I always have. I will still get to sing to him a lullaby and read him a story. But then I will go to my home.

I have in the past taken contracts which take me to far away places, and so this is what we will tell our son should he ever notice and ask. Until he is old enough to understand, or until he figures it out, she and I will maintain the facade. For him.

In related news, I may be looking for a companion soon. HAH. 

Pray for me, please, those of you who do so.

Love, Sarah

[trapthavok]

Sorry to hear this I remember the last post you made about her not being able to handle things and I hoped she would give it time and try...

The bright side at least is that you can move forward in your transition If anything that is a very bright ray of sunshine.

This is one of my favorite quotes and I feel like it applies here: "Though you may be under a dark tree, always look for the light shining through the branches." -Unknown

[sneakersjay]

Sorry to hear that.  I know if I were still married this would have ended things as well.   My only advice would be to maintain a peaceful friendly relationship with your wife no matter what.  I forgave and forgot a LOT so my ex would relax and chill.  It is possible to raise children peacefully in a separated/divorced household.  My ex even has a new live in girlfriend and I'm friendly with her as well.

Hopefully as you transition and your wife sees the positives in that (I know she's grieving the loss of her husband -- a lot of expectations and memories and now it's all changing in ways she doesn't understand).  YOU are not changing; your appearance is.  You'll finally be able to be yourself, and that is an amazing feeling.

It's very hard for non-GID people to understand this.  Maybe a few sessions together or your wife alone with your gender therapist would help.  I still send my ex things to try to help him understand.  He even sends me things, like the article on the transgender teacher in CA who returned this fall as a man and the parents were up in arms...my ex was on the side of the teacher, which was nice.

The most important thing for your son is that he has two parents who love him and are there for him. 


Jay

[Sarah Dreams]

She is still trying to maintain a firm grip of control on me. The manicure I got included glossy, clear polish and she went off on that saying that if I was going to present as effeminate to our son that she was going to make sure I never saw him again. I told her that I had no intention of doing so and that many men get clear polish when getting manicures and reminded here that the first time I got a manicure (at her request) she asked if I wanted a buff or polish. This woman alters history to fit her current agenda. And you cannot change her mind or present the truth or an alternate explanation for things because she will stand her ground and tell you you are either lying or don't remember correctly.

So, if I want to be part of my son's life at all, I am going to 1) Hide these things from my ex-wife and son or 2) Take her to court. I think I prefer number one. At least I will be living alone and she need not know what goes on. As well, she thinks I am some sort of sick pervert for being feminine. I am afraid she is a lost cause. This marriage was doomed from the start even if the gender issue had not come out.

Love, Sarah

[pennyjane]

oh dear sarah....i'm so sad for you.  it's a double hurt when one you love is hurt so badly too.  it is not your fault though...and her hurt and confusion is not hers.  she thought she was marrying a man and i'll bet you tried to make that so.  but as hard as we may try and as much as we may want to...we can't change that which is not changeable.

it is always my hope that as you find your way into yourself you'll make that a better person, and a better person really has more to give and one who comes to love herself has more love to give.

you and your wife and your child are in my prayers.  i pray for strength and firmness on your part...that you are able to live up to the committment and do become the one you were intended to be. may God bless all of you with...

[Chrissty]

Hi Sarah,

I remember the first posts we exchanged here...It was only a couple of weeks back, but it must seem like a lifetime to you.

Hang in there and try to keep the peace for a while. You've got nothing to loose and everthing to gain by remaining calm and optimistic if you can.

Your wife has some grieving to do, so she's hurting right now and will be saying things she will regret. We often forget that while our problems have been going through our minds for years, our SO's have to deal with it all at once, so there is a trauma factor for them in this.

Yes if you care for your son (and possibly still your wife) "option 1" sounds like the best bet at this time...

You take care...   



Chrissty

[Sarah Dreams]

I love my wife and son deeply. I just do not like her anymore. I don't know what happened, ut I suspect it was my gender charade that got in the way. I can't act like a man and not screw it up in some way. And it was because I struggled so much at this that our marriage became a sham. Love is not an emotion, it is a state of being and evidenced by actions not words. Because of this, I will let her have her way and keep my true self away from my son and her. At least I'll now be able to have some freedom to live as a woman on my time. Sheesh.

Thank you for your prayers.

[milliontoone]

Aww that sucks. i do feel for you, I am personally going through some difficult issues myself with my partner and although I can't imagine us splitting permanently (we have separated before but always got back together) it is immensley upsetting and harrowing to go through at times.
I know it sounds corny but where love still exists I firmly believe so does hope.  Maybe love will find a way maybe not, but you cannot change yourself and if your wife truly loves you (whether that is as a partner or as a friend) she will come to accept you for who you are.

And remember something positive has already come out of this sad situation...your son, the child you two had together.

[cindybc]

Hi Sarah, you do have my prayers. It is unfortunate that relationships for most times need to split up. But I beleive that for your own sake even though it may feel selfish but in order to transition one has to be selfish in order to survive, to survive you need to move forward.

It is true about the trauma that the wife goes through on finding out about their man's secret. When that man got married with her she thought she was getting married to a *man,* only to find out years later that the man she married was secretly making plans to be a woman. So any amount of trying to explain it to here will come out sounding like she has been betrayed, no mater how you dice or cut it.

As long as you are with her she will do all she can to keep you or delay you from beginning your journey in the hopes that you will change your mind from going forward on this journey you know you need to follow through with to survive.

Cindy

[Audrey]

Thats a sad deal.  I would definitely figure the financial stuff out though any way possible.  dont give her a means to control you after you split.  And I would find a good lawyer, STAT.

Sorry to hear the bad news.
Audrey

[Sarah Dreams]

Our financial situation is one of intertwined corporations which are mutually supportive. It would be detrimental to us both if we were to try and separate them so it is in her best interest to leave the financials as they are. This does not worry me.

What I think I should do is get her to sign a post-nuptual agreement in which we spell out the terms of our separation. We will remain married on paper, but will consider ourselves divorced for all intents and purposes. So yes, your suggestion that I retain a lawyer is a good one, Audrey. Thank you.

Love, Sarah.

[Ellieka]

I remember how it was when my first wife found out about me. She was steamed to say the least. She cursed me and called me everything in and out of the Bible. She told me I was sick and needed a cure and once even told me I was devil possessed. The marriage fell apart completely and I did get some professional help but not for GID but rather for anger management. To this day she believes that my "problem" is in the past but in days shortly after I left her she begged me repeatedly to come back claiming that she would rather have me "as I was" then to not have me at all.

I still have every weekend with my 2 girls and they know I love them more then anything in the world, and that to me is even more important then transitioning.

My biggest mistake was getting remarried to some one new... Deja vu all over again. If I were to make any recommendations it would be to not dive into another relationship until you find one that is compatible with you as you were ment to be.

I wish you all the luck.