What Should I Do?

[Sarah Dreams]

I'm in a quandry. I am new here and you can read my intro on the Introductions board. For the past ten years or so, I have had hypogonadism. My testosterone is 44. I found this out about six months ago and it explains my severe lack of body hair, which is, to me, wonderous. It isn't so for my wife and doctor. You guys and my therapist are the only ones who know my female secret.

I would rather not take the testosterone prescribed by my doctor. She would rather I do (well, she prescribed it, after all  ) and my wife would rather I do. If I don't take it, my levels will remain low and they will know.

I don't want my body hair back! What do I do?

[Chrissty]

Hi Sarah,

There are a lot of us that "suffer" from one condition or another that adds to the confusion we face. I am of a similar age to you and similar family status.

On the transition front, you ultimately have to make your own decisions based on the balance of your life and your heart. 

...BUT with regards to your medical condition you need to discuss this with your doctor in confidence and get a better understanding of whether there are any other reasons for the T prescription.

The other common side effects are listed as:

Loss of libido - reduced interest in sexual activity
Impotence and loss of spontaneous erections
Tiredness
Reduced muscle power and stamina
Change in body shape - increased fat and breast development

I guess this is where the comments from your wife may be coming from, as opposed to the lack of body hair.

So let's say you can live with these, my real concern would be that you risk the following more serious effects if you do not take the T :-

Osteoporosis - brittle bones resulting in fractures
Early heart disease
Depression

The first two are potentially serious now if you have any previous history, and they will become more serious in the next decade for you. The latter is likely to lead to other serious issues in your life, and will not help your disphoria.

So as someone with a family myself, I would advise that if you have no intention of transitioning, then seriously consider taking the T, but get a better perspective on any other reasons for the prescription, and see if you can keep the dose level down ( ie suggest concerns over getting too aggressive ).



Chrissty

[Sarah Dreams]

Thanks, Chrissty for the reply.

While transitioning has always been my unrealized dream, I can't bring myself to inflict it on my family. To hurt them or live with my hurt is the question and my personal decision must be to not hurt them. So I must remain a closet cross-dresser.

As for the side effects of low T, I have:

• Loss of libido
• Loss of spontaneous erections (but not complete impotence)

I can live with this

• Tiredness

Can't live with

• Reduced muscle power and stamina

I can live with this
and

• Change in body shape - increased fat and breast development

And it is nice.
[/list]
Although, I have always had a softer, rounder body than most genetic males.

As for what's happened already:

• Osteoporosis - brittle bones resulting in fractures

No, thank God.

• Early heart disease

I had my first heart attack at age 48

• Depression

Always, dear, always.
[/list]

I would take from your advice, after thinking it through, that I should take the T.

[Imadique]

I think you should really come clean with your Doctor before doing anything, if she understands what you want then she can treat you better.

[jenny_]

I agree about telling your gp the whole truth.  Theres doctor-patient confidentiality so your family need not know, and then she'd understand your reluctance to take T and maybe theres something else she could do.  And at the very least she could make sure your T dosage is minimum required.

But you've got such a tough dilema, hugs.  Chrissty's given the dangers of not having adequate hormones in your body, and FWIW i would be considering either transition (ie. taking oestrogen) or taking T.  Doing neither would be putting your health at risk.

hugs
jenny

[CC]

You might think about having your chromosome tested. I'm going for my base line blood work soon to start HRT and my therapist has also ordered chromosome testing. She wants to see this test as I have very little body hair compared to my father and brother and my estradiol hormone levels have always been very high. Although my T is also high.

The reason my therapist wants to see this information is there has been a study that has shown some consistent difference in chromosome banding with transsexuals compared to normal male chromosome banding. If this is true for me, we think it will be easier for my wife to accept.

Not sure if this helps.

Good luck honey.

[Chrissty]

Hi Sarah,

As Jenny said, if you don't want to transition but want to stay in good health, then you probably need to take T .....

But it's quite possible that the T dose you currently have will be higher than necessary, so it's worth going back to you doctor. If you don't feel able to talk openly about your feelings, then showing an un-used prescription and voicing concern over aggression may be a way to getting a lower dose level.

Keep yourself safe while you continue to sort things out.



Chrissty

[Sarah Dreams]

Oh, Lord. This is so confusing. Its not that I don't want to transition, its that I feel I can't. I'd love nothing more than to have the body and face of a woman. My life as a girl would be the perfect combination.

What is sad is that I have become very successful in my career and I can easily afford everything that could be done to transition. But I fear my wife and two year old son could not emotionally afford it.

I need a chocolate.

[NicholeW.]

Yeah, chocolate is wonderful, no?

But chocolate isn't going to help with your dilemma, dear. There are tough decisions and tough realities you should face, Sarah. One of the first is that all three of those negatives Chrissty listed can kill you: heart-disease, bone-loss AND depression. Depression, the clinical variety, not melancholia, has killed many through wasting or suicide.

Regardless of transition you should also realize that as much as transition, for instance, might impact your wife and son, your death will impact them even more.

I have to agree about telling the GP anyway. Go alone and stress that you require strict confidentiality, even from your wife.

But, I also know that a board is not going to answer your questions or solve your dilemma. We can do our best with our answers, but you are the decisive fulcrum in that lever, dear.

Try to examine the problem from impacts not just on transitioning, but on not transitioning and on how the effects of whatever you decide could impact those you love. Problem there will simply be that without communication with your wife ... how will you ever know what she thinks and how she believes she might be affected?

Hard choices and decisions, babe. Got another chocolate?

Nikki

[ftmshubbie]

Sarah,

First, let me offer you a whole box of chocolates. Your dilemma is a tricky one. But I am going to answer you from the perspective of the spouse of a transsexual.

You say that you are afraid your wife and two year old son could not "emotionally afford" dealing with the truth? As for your child, he will dea with it just fine as long as you do and your wife does. As for your wife, where the heck do you get the right to make this decision for her? You think she doesn't have every righ in the world to know she is married to a transgendered person? What will you do when she finally discovers some of your secrets...and she probably will...and then feels as though she has been toyed with, deceived and lied to all her life with you.

I think, if you are honest--can you be honest with her as well as with yourself about your "true self"?--then you will at least show her the respct and decency to decide whether or not she can live with a cross-dresser, or even to go through transition with you and to support you and love you.

As for your job...well that's a different decision for you to make, and I know it won't be an easy one. But, from my perspective, Sarah, you have no right whatsoever to continue to deceive your wife. Surrely it will hurt her and confuse her to find out you're trans...nobody expects that. But she won't be alone. There are thousands of us trans-spouses out there in the world, and lots of oppotunities for getting the info and support we need to make our marriages work.

You ask "What should I do?" My answer is to make it right with your marriage first, then take care of your health, and then, if you do it correctly, you can make a decision about transitioning with a loving partner and a sweet son taking that ride with you!

Dan

Oh, Lord. This is so confusing. Its not that I don't want to transition, its that I feel I can't. I'd love nothing more than to have the body and face of a woman. My life as a girl would be the perfect combination.

What is sad is that I have become very successful in my career and I can easily afford everything that could be done to transition. But I fear my wife and two year old son could not emotionally afford it.

I need a chocolate.

[CC]

Have you seen a Gender Therapist? If not I would recommend you do. They are very helpful in guiding you to sorting this out and how you can choose to cope with this in your life.

Hang in there Hon.

[Sarah Dreams]

As for your wife, where the heck do you get the right to make this decision for her? You think she doesn't have every righ in the world to know she is married to a transgendered person?

I do know what her reaction would be. I partially confessed to her. I told her that I used to crossdress and that I used to want to be a girl. She asked me if I did now and I lied and said no. She said that that was good because if I did, it would be a deal breaker. she would just up and walk away with our son and fight me if I tried to get even partial custody. I could not bear to be without my dear, sweet son.

So, I do know what coming out to her would entail and it is worse than living a lie.

hand me back that box of chocolates, please. And a tissue.

[Chrissty]

   Did someone say chocolates?  



Mwmbch..Mwb... Hey...The Coffee Cream is mine!..

Seriously Sarah, apart from the "T" issue we are in the same "boat" so to speak.... only I have 2 kids, and live in the UK

My problem is finding a half decent therpist in this wet little island, they seem to be rarer than unicorns over here!

OOps! here's the tissue...



Chrissty

[NicholeW.]

And another box to go with the PMed one!

Nikki

[Sarah Dreams]

So here it is. And here am I feeling like a little girl all alone.

I spent my teens, twenties and thirties becoming ever more the girl. I hid from society and friends and lived it whenever I was alone. Sarah was my comfort. I dreamed and schemed about transitioning. Reading everything I could on the subject first in libraries and then on the Net when it became available. I looked at Sarah as the ultimate goal, the muse beckoning me to follow her. She was me inside and she longed to be free. My male side agreed completely.

And there it was. Reality. I was dirt poor. A drug addict and depressed. I could not afford therapy or hormones. I cried alot. Drugs offered an escape not only from the day to day struggle of being jobless and alomost homeless, but from my masculinity as well. When I was high, my inhibitions melted away and I became intensely Sarah.

And there it went. My dream was gone. I wasted my years away unable to make the crossing into full time womanhood. I was never going to get married because I was going to be a girl. But that never happened and so one day I met an intelligent, strong woman and fell in love. I decided that I would never be able to achieve my dream and so I abandoned it. I buried Sarah and turned to my new wife.

And here it is. My life is unfulfilled and I now know why. I was meant to be a woman. Every part of me screamed it. But I turned a deaf ear in hopes of having the straight dream of a wife a child and a comfortable home. And though I am surrounded by 5,000 square feet of house in a country club setting, I couldn't feel more alone.

So here it is. And here am I feeling like a little girl all alone.

[jenny_]

As for your wife, where the heck do you get the right to make this decision for her? You think she doesn't have every righ in the world to know she is married to a transgendered person?

I do know what her reaction would be. I partially confessed to her. I told her that I used to crossdress and that I used to want to be a girl. She asked me if I did now and I lied and said no. She said that that was good because if I did, it would be a deal breaker. she would just up and walk away with our son and fight me if I tried to get even partial custody. I could not bear to be without my dear, sweet son.

So, I do know what coming out to her would entail and it is worse than living a lie.

hand me back that box of chocolates, please. And a tissue.

You obviously know your wife far far better than any of us, so its impossible for any of us to say whether or not you should tell your wife.

But, from my experience, people's reactions to crossdressers and transsexuals can be completely different.  A lot of cisgender people i've spoken to have said that they are ok with transsexuals because *they* thought of transsexuals as being born in the wrong body etc and so then it isn't a choice.  Whereas crossdressers, *they* have (wrongly) thought of doing it because of a choice, and so *they* have been more condemning.

I hope that last paragraph made sense!  Is it possible that you coming out as a transsexual instead of a crossdresser could see a more positive response from your wife?

Have another box of chocolates (its the bestest medicine!!!).
**Hugs**
Jenny

p.s. i hope i haven't upset or offended anyone by posting thoughts i've heard about us from cisgender people, that wasn't my intention.