Trying on agender after over a decade of being ftm (nearly 27 years of life)

[Daydreaming]

I have been off T for over a month but less than three.
I'm questioning my identity. Idk if it's just low T?
I came to the conclusion of wanting to start T ~16 years old. Before that I was wildly unsure but presented female not long before starting T. I went on T at 17 bc in my state of residence no parental consent is needed. I am definitely trans and have no plans of detransitioning ever (but may go off the T permanently). I tend to resist the nonbinary label but am unsure if that's just bc I never liked being "out". Genderqueer or agender feels best since I'm not both but neither/none. My gender expression usually leans masc but some days can be androgynous, slightly femme, or neutral. I like fashion and it really depends on how I'm feeling. I am not attached to my beard and shave my beard most of the time (but leave mustache and triangle of hair under lower lip alone). I have a lean/wiry body type but would start weight training if I ever stayed off T. I'm 5'5" and only craved muscle before I started "passing" whatever that means. As for pronouns I don't care. He/him and they/them are both fine. She/her is an ultimate no to this day. I'm not looking for answers but instead want to hear others' experiences with being genderqueer and/or agender. Please reply if you share some of my experiences or have any insight. This is my first time posting here. Thank you

[Maid Marion]

Hi Daydreaming,

Welcome!  It sounds like you want to dress androgenously and have everyone figure out that you are male and not female despite being born female at birth.

I'm not sure that this is a reasonable expectation given your height of 5ft5in and slight build.

I'm 5ft2in AMAB and would constantly be gendered female despite having a full beard!
Once by the TSA in BDL airport!

Maid Marion

[Courtney G]

I don't know how much intersection there is between our experiences but I think there is a little.

I was AMAB and wanted a female body. I especially wanted to have breasts. The idea of ridding my body of T and running on E was thrilling and still thrills me to this day, 4 years later. I waited way too long to act on my feelings and didn't come out to myself, didn't start transitioning until my 50s.

I pretty much present male in public, working hard to hide my breasts. Unlike you, I'm ok with my assigned-at-birth pronouns but I do enjoy she/her and they them. I wear bras, and wear undies that are made for women. I have a small wardrobe of female clothes and some makeup, but I rarely get to wear the stuff because I live in a more conservative area, with a lot of older folk.

But I really just "feel" like me, not like a woman or man. I wanted to fix my body and I did. Other things are in progress, like facial hair removal and trying to get an appointment for a facial feminization surgery consult. But when I compare myself to other trans women, I find my goals to be less specific and less aggressive than theirs. The "need" is less urgent and I don't really suffer for not moving forward with a specific transition plan. It's for this reason that I consider myself to be more genderqueer-leaning that anything else.

But the thing that keeps me up at night is this: would I feel differently if I passed really well? Am I toeing this middle line because I'm afraid of dealing with transitioning completely? Or am I truly ok with staying away from the sides of the binary?

[Lilis]

Hey,

Reading your post, I could feel the steadiness in how you're navigating all this.

That shift you described, from a clear "I'm FTM" identity to something more fluid or open, makes total sense to me, though I've felt it from the opposite side of the spectrum (Genderfluid MTF here 😊).

I've had moments where gender stopped feeling like a single fixed point and started flowing more like a range sometimes femme, sometimes neutral, sometimes even a total masc.

It sounds like you're exploring that same kind of spaciousness in your own way.

You come across as grounded in your truth, even as you move through its shifting edges.

It's not confusion, just a deeper unfolding of who you already are inside.

Thank you for sharing this piece of your journey.

It's beautiful to witness someone giving themselves that kind of permission to just be.

Welcome to Susan's Place! 💚

~ Lilis 🌷🦇

[Lori Dee]

Hello Daydreaming,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

Since this is your first post, I will move it over into our Introductions Forum. Nothing will change, the link to it will remain the same, and members will still see it to answer your questions.

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@Daydreaming
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Alana Ashleigh]

Hi Daydreaming,

I relate to some of what your experiencing. I've been on hrt for almost five months. I'm still presenting as male, but have breasts, and my shape is starting to become more feminine. I do wear a bra, and women's undies, and makeup when I'm in the mood. The only goals I had when I started HRT was finally feel comfortable in my own skin, and be slightly androgynous. I haven't achieved the androgynous goal yet, but I'm comfortable in my own skin for the most part.

Alana

[ErinWDK]

I don't know how much intersection there is between our experiences but I think there is a little.

...

But the thing that keeps me up at night is this: would I feel differently if I passed really well? Am I toeing this middle line because I'm afraid of dealing with transitioning completely? Or am I truly ok with staying away from the sides of the binary?

I am 72.  Gender Dysphoria hit full force in 2013.  That was not an easy time to be transgender here.  I really tried to start transition in 2015 (MtF).  I was not "trans enough" for the gate keepers I was dealing with, so no luck.  I tried harder in 2016, and ran into a series of unfortunate events and didn't make it then (and didn't even get a Lemony Snicket).  So I decided to be non-binary.  That was sort of all I could do.

I had a bad bout of Covid recently and was so sick my weight dropped to as low as it was at some points in 2016.  This makes me "pass" better and the interest in presenting more feminine is coming back.

It is entirely possible that over time your goals and interests relative to transition may evolve.  Each person's road is unique and their own.

HTH...


Erin

[Lori Dee]

It is entirely possible that over time your goals and interests relative to transition may evolve.  Each person's road is unique and their own.

Wise words, Erin. Thank you.

[Sarah B]

Hi Daydreaming

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

How you express yourself in your day to day life is up to you and only you.  Your gender identity that you have expressed in your first post indicates that you have not settled on any identity in particular, but to me it could be genderfluid.  There are others here like Lilis, Alana, Erin and Courtney, that have shared their experiences which are similar to yours.  For me, it was a case of wanting to be female and after changing my life around and 19 years later after having surgery, that I found out that I was female.  In the long run, whatever one you settle upon it is valid.

If you decide to go off T, then I would suggest you do it within consultation with your doctor or primary care physician.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Daydreaming @Lilis @Alana Ashleigh @ErinWDK