Grieving for that lost time...

[Stealthgrrl]

Since I believe in reincarnation... I go on the notion that I've only missed it this time around. And I believe I will live that part of my life the way it's supposed to be lived next time, or the time after. So there's nothing to grieve for because I don't believe that those years have been lost forever... just this time in order for me to learn and experience a different perspective in this life.

I, too, believe in reincarnation, so that means I have probably been gen fem any number of times and will be again. Which only makes the reason for this life all the more perplexing.

Stealth

[Just Mandy]

I apologize now if this subject has been discussed before, I tried to look it up in the "search" menu, but couldn't find anything Huh For all I know maybe I've posted this before and just can't remember Undecided   Please humor me Evil

As a...SLIGHTLY Angry ...older women I still find myself getting depressed over the fact that I will never get to live and be the young girl I wished I could've been when I was in my early teens.

My therapist and I have discussed this, and she has told me that it is normal for <slightly> older TG people who are transitioning late(r) in life to have a "grieving period" for that youth lost as a girl/boy.

So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that? I would appreciate any and all feed back/opinion's. Kiss

*special note: I'm not trying to offend anyone with the age (slightly older) reference, just adding some humor Tongue

I LOVE coming here... I'm away for a little while and I come back to gems like this. Thank you FunnyGrl

I think a large part of my melt down earlier this year was was totally because I was grieving for that lost time. I got caught up
here talking about childhood things and parents and before I knew it I got very depressed about what could have been. About the
same time I realized that I could not only pass but also be a little bit pretty just made things that much worse. You start
to think about how different your life could have been and it makes you sad. Very sad. And for me it took realizing that my life
really started about two years ago and I accepted that there is nothing I can do to change the past but I have a HUGH impact on what happens from here on.

Amanda

[trapthavok]

Okay, I'm still kinda young, but I can still relate. I wish I had grown up as a boy my entire life, sure I did the tomboy thing...But it's not the same as actually being a boy. Maybe if I had been a boy I coulda played football or something... Maybe if I had been a boy, I wouldn't have had to try out for "softball" in the 7th grade (which was BS) cause I wanted to play baseball not "softball" as though "softball" is for girls and "baseball" is for boys.

I wish I had grown into puberty, been a teenager, and hung out with the guys doing stupid things at the mall like I saw some teenage guys doing this weekend. I could have dated, and not spent so much time being confused about my sexuality because I was SUPPOSED to like boys because I was a girl, no matter how much I really wasn't attracted to guys. (At least that's what I thought when I was a teenager).

Yes, we all have these regrets. I still feel this way every so often, wish that instead of saying "Im the son dad never had" as a joke when I was growing up it could have been "I'm the son dad always wanted."

At any rate, I think I'm over my grieving phase for the most part. I just like to keep reminding myself, you know what? I'm glad I caught it when I did. Because I could have been miserable and lived my whole life as the wrong gender [for me]... But here I am, getting ready to face the rest of my life as the person I really am. Yes, I missed out on a lot, but there's so much more I have to look forward to! Maybe some people go their whole lives without figuring themselves out but I've done it, and dammit I'm going to enjoy what's rest of my life as Nathan! 🙂

Don't look toward what could have been, look toward what will be! And be glad you know who you are because there are even non-trans people who never look inside themselves and really KNOW who they are. You have delved past the surface and taken a spiritual journey that only so many people can say they have done.

[funnygrl]

I can't say enough how helpful ALL of the responses have been, and how much I have enjoyed reading them!!! Thank you all so much for your responses 😘

It's been really great to read the responses from those of you who are...younger 😘 because I wasn't aware that those feelings of "time lost" where there for all of you as well. Forgive my naiveté 

Amanda: Great to have you back!!!! and your welcome  

[lacitychick21]

When anyone figures out how to get over the longing to have been able to grow up in the right gender, let me know. I still struggle with it -- more often than I care to admit.

[funnygrl]

When anyone figures out how to get over the longing to have been able to grow up in the right gender, let me know. I still struggle with it -- more often than I care to admit.

I agree hun   It's great to hear from you 'lacitychick21' 🙂 I hope that things are getting better out there for you. Thanx for posting!!!

[goingdown]

I accuse my genderterapists for my lost time. I was a diagnostable transsexual without other gross psychiatric disorders and it took a quit long time for a gender clinic to diagnose me. Many other trannsexuals got their diagnose faster. 

[Wendy C]

Since I believe in reincarnation... I go on the notion that I've only missed it this time around. And I believe I will live that part of my life the way it's supposed to be lived next time, or the time after. So there's nothing to grieve for because I don't believe that those years have been lost forever... just this time in order for me to learn and experience a different perspective in this life.

That would be a wonderful thing. I  have on many occasions thought about reincarnation but  unfortunately  it  doesnt apply to the here and now for me.    So I learned to deal with it in other ways.

My first marriage produced  3 sons, and while it was extremely diffficult to function as a Dad and father figure, I still love them with all my heart and soul. My second marriage brought 3 daughters from m y wife's prior marraige and this helped me to cope. I built doll houses and helped furnish them, picked out deresses for them, enjoyed the Holidays from a girls view and other things most Dads never even had a clue they could share with their daughters. It was almost like being second Mom to them which is why I believe they have accepted this so easily with me.

So while I still grieve for the time lost, I was fortunate to have at least been blessed with some gifts that are memorable. Hugs

Wendy

[cindybc]

Hi all my love and I will be going out in a bit to go shopping so I will only elaborate briefly. 1st I quite agree with  Leiandra and Stealthgrrl about reincarnation. I didn't start transitioning until I was 54 years old. Yea lost a lot of time but it realy doesn't bother me all that much. I am quite happy and at peace with myself living as a woman today. In my past from early childhood on I was a girl in my imagination anyway. I lived as my true self in my imagination for so many years that looking back on my past I could very well be a girl. I even see the previous me as a girl and any memory of the other me is fuzzy at best.

You are welcome to visit my Blog, Cindy's Ramblings Blog.

Be back later to read the rest of the posts and what ever else updates. And Yes this subject or others like   it have  made their way around at least a couple of times before but don't exactly remember which threads or forums. It is an interesting subject, and I also thank you  Funnygrl.

Cindy

[funnygrl]

Thank you ladies for your replies

Awesome advice, questions and experiences all around. All of the responses have helped me immensely!!!

[Terra]

I think everyone feels regret and grieving for lost time, if only a little. Like a lot of things transfolk just get it worse, as we don't just regret decisions we might have made but a life we might have lived. But I feel i've spent to much time living in the past. I guess the draw of looking back like that is that you never do wrong in that little universe. Somehow by being born as you feel you were supposed to be solves all your problems. Maybe my grades would have been better, maybe I would already be married to a wonderful spouse, or maybe my family relations would be better. I could easy have died, gotten pregnant, or any other number of awful things. The "what-if" game for a single person can outnumber the stars, and all of it is meaningless since it has already been said and done.

Right now I got a whole world here in this moment, its past time for me to live in it.  😉

[icontact]

I've been duped out of a lot, as my social life is pretty nonexistent, due to the sole fact that my parents are convinced I will be raped if let out of the house alone. So basically, because of my gender, I wasn't/am not allowed to go to sleepovers, camp, overnight field trips, dances, etc. So very many out-of-house experiences I was not allowed at. Simply because I was a "girl."

But I realize I am extremely lucky, even from as early as kindergarten, I was the boy with the technicality of being female, if you get what I mean. I got messy, I played sports, I teased girls, and hell if my parents didn't approve. They got tired of trying to get me to be "ladylike" after fourth grade anyways. I've always been a guy, and now that I know how to make it so that everybody else sees it too, getting to that place can't happen fast enough, and frankly, young as I am, I'd rather not waste time on regrets and direct my energy into working towards that goal.

And for you older folks, IT IS NOT TOO LATE. Evaaaaaar. Bring back your childhood, be the crazy old person gesticulating wildly with the cane on your doorstep every morning, make the off-colour joke every so often. I swear, 90% of the adults I encounter are dull. Why? Because they take in stride their age role. We haven't adhered to the gender role, why should we adhere to the age role too?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise above!

[Nero]

I've been duped out of a lot, as my social life is pretty nonexistent, due to the sole fact that my parents are convinced I will be raped if let out of the house alone. So basically, because of my gender, I wasn't/am not allowed to go to sleepovers, camp, overnight field trips, dances, etc. So very many out-of-house experiences I was not allowed at. Simply because I was a "girl."

But I realize I am extremely lucky, even from as early as kindergarten, I was the boy with the technicality of being female, if you get what I mean. I got messy, I played sports, I teased girls, and hell if my parents didn't approve. They got tired of trying to get me to be "ladylike" after fourth grade anyways. I've always been a guy, and now that I know how to make it so that everybody else sees it too, getting to that place can't happen fast enough, and frankly, young as I am, I'd rather not waste time on regrets and direct my energy into working towards that goal.

And for you older folks, IT IS NOT TOO LATE. Evaaaaaar. Bring back your childhood, be the crazy old person gesticulating wildly with the cane on your doorstep every morning, make the off-colour joke every so often. I swear, 90% of the adults I encounter are dull. Why? Because they take in stride their age role. We haven't adhered to the gender role, why should we adhere to the age role too?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise above!

*puts on camp voice*

You go boy!

[cindybc]

Cindy's Ramblings Blog
          https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,45210.msg293572.html#msg293572

                Well I guess that ain't gonna fly either. Another of Cindy's ideas goes "kerplop!"

Well, anyhoo, I agree with Terra about spending too much time in the past. The past is in the past with all of its flaws and errors and all of those wrong decisions that brought me to the brink of hell itself. The highs and lows and all the demons from my past my hopes and dreams I have dealt with, separating the good from the bad. The bad, for the most part, is no longer robbing me of what precious good memories I still retain from the past.

After the storm clouds in my mind cleared from my memory I was amazed to discover just how many good memories were still left alive and well. Like the dead, yellow grass of a meadow that had been left flattened by the weight of hailstones during the tempest of the storm. Like a miraculous act of the Great Spirit, as the dark storm clouds disperse, allowing the golden rays of sunlight warm to revive the soil of the dead meadow below, golden rays bringing forth the delicate flowers, imparting life to a meadow  in a multitude of colors. 

There ain't a dang thing we can do to change the past but we can live in the now and do all we can to live it to the fullest, one day at a time. Whether there be reincarnation or not is neither here nor there at this point. We have the rest of our lives to live, right in the here and now for what's left of our lives. I do my best to live for today and enjoy today to its fullest. That way for me this day I will savor and stretch it to the fullest like a tiny part of eternity, a heart beat in eternity. This day is my treasure at the end of the rainbow. Every day I wake up and give thanks and feel good!  I am healthy and I take a deep breath, and thank again whatever Higher Power I believe in that I am alive, well, and for being the true me for what's left of my life.

Y'all have a wonderful day.

Cindy

[tekla]

Many other trannsexuals got their diagnose faster.

My experience is that most people diagnosed themselves first, then shopped for a person who bought it.  More or less.

[funnygrl]

Many other trannsexuals got their diagnose faster.

My experience is that most people diagnosed themselves first, then shopped for a person who bought it.  More or less.

I diagnosed myself @ age 4 😛

[tekla]

Point taken.

It also occurs to me that re-incarnation or not (I'm thinking not, but hey, anything is possible) you can't change the past in this life so you should learn from it, not dwell on it.

Every minute you spend thinking or living in the past is one more minute you took out of your real life.

[Kate]

So, I wanted to ask all of you whether M2F or F2M, how do you deal with this if @ all? Have you ever obsessed over it as I have from time to time? If so, how did you get over that?

I used to obsess over it. In fact, I've said if anything kills me, it'll be just that: the impossibility of going back and growing up from a girl into a woman, having those experiences and being shaped by them into who I was supposed to be.

BUT.

More and more it's become apparent to me that I DID live "a girl's life" of sorts... or at least let's say I lived MY life, as me, where people DID respond to my personality and wants and needs. True, it wasn't a "classic" girl's life. But still, even genetic girls don't always get the idealistic princess life either, ya know?

And what's really opened my eyes to that is in seeing how little an impact transitioning has had on my life. That REALLY surprised me, and I still can't quite figure it out. But if changing my sex and living as a female really had so little impact or effect on my life or those around me, I can only assume that I was *already* living as Kate for the most part. Maybe not physically, but obviously people were already treating me for being me, and not necessarily as a gender per se.

At least that's how I'm making sense of it. So when I look back on my past now, I see it in a different context... realizing that I always WAS me, was Kate, or however you want to phrase it. Changing my sex was just a minor physical adjustment, but it didn't "make" me Kate. She was always there already, living her life as best she could, and if anything the physical changes simply allow me now to finish growing from a girl into a woman.

Or at least one can hope, lol...

~Kate~

[Just Mandy]

More and more it's become apparent to me that I DID live "a girl's life" of sorts... or at least let's say I lived MY life, as me, where people DID respond to my personality and wants and needs. True, it wasn't a "classic" girl's life. But still, even genetic girls don't always get the idealistic princess life either, ya know?

Changing my sex was just a minor physical adjustment, but it didn't "make" me Kate. She was always there already, living her life as best she could, and if anything the physical changes simply allow me now to finish growing from a girl into a woman.

~Kate~

I share that thought Kate and that is exactly what I came to realize just a few months ago. I am Amanda and I have lived
as Amanda but I presented as a male to work within the system. It was a HUGE revelation to me but it's like "oh... yea I
see that now" kinda thing. My view on almost any issue or my personality traits, or even how I react to things has always
been female. And the further along I get the more I see that things will not change much. What seemed like a mountain
a year ago only looks like foothills now. Maybe a year from now it will be like the Great Plains.

Amanda

[Kate]

I am Amanda and I have lived as Amanda but I presented as a male to work within the system...

Well, see I'd been lying if I said I "presented as a male to work within the system." If I call it all a "presentation," that makes it sound like I went through life faking that I liked most of what I did... but that's just not true. It's tempting to slice and dice my life apart, and call the stereotypical male behaviour a "presentation," and the female stuff the "real me." But it was ALL me. Even the so-called "male" stuff

~Kate~