What would you do?

[shychristine]

I am going to see my therapist for the first time soon. I have felt like I should have been a girl since I was about 6. I have never told anyone EVER! Keeping it to my self all these years has been eating at me. It got to the point where I joined the Military to make a man out of me. ha ha.
Well after one enlistment ( 5 years ) I got out. Being in the military is almost like being in prision if you live in the dorms. The First Sgt. would come through unannounced and make room inspections. Looking in the closets and dresser draws to see if they were kept neat and clean. So I couldnt keep any female clothes. Not being able to be my self even on my own time or days off just about drove me insane, those five years were the worst years in my life.
But I had five years invested in a penision so I joined the National Guard Part Time. again ha ha.
I spent about e months a year away training. So I got out after 15 years bring a total of 19 years in the military, 1 year short of getting a penision when I reached 60 ( that is still many years away) but it would have been there for me. So I have given up  a good penision.
After doing months of research on transgender disorder and how to go about SRS. I find my self down in the dumps again. SRS is way out of my reach, it seems only the rich could afford it. As far as hormone treatment if I cant be all woman then half way is only patch work I still would be living a lie. And the last thing is I gave up my penision, which was my furture, I cant afford to lose my family too. I have never been married or been with a woman because Being I feel like I am a woman it feels wrong, and as long as I man a male I could never be with a male, yes thats right I am still a virigin.
Sorry this is so long and winded but if you were in my shoes what would you do?

[pennyjane]

hi christine...i think you've taken what should be the first step...that is seeking a therapist.  that's probably the best tool you'll find for sorting these things out.

i hope i don't get into trouble, but i think, it's just my personal opinion, that one can successfully live as a woman without having grs.  it's not optimum of course, but as i was sorting my way though all these issues i saw a way of making that work.  i know, too, that when one first hears about the cost in dollars of transition and grs it can scare the heck out of you.  at one time i thought just like you...that's not even a pipe dream! 

but, you know...if you put your mind to it...make a whole lot of sacrifices you might be surprised at the real potential of it all.  on the day of my transition grs was penciled in as a destination so we began living a lifestyle that we thought would eventually make it a viable option.  for me, breast augmentation, ffs, even a trac shave were considerations for the future, grs was far and away the most important to me.  now, i don't even think of those things, i've found that grs is way more then enough for me.

but, i'm getting way ahead of myself.  it's with your therapist that you can sort this stuff out, get your own priorities in order...set your own boundaries and see where you realisticaly can go.

as far a being a virgin goes, so am i.....but i know a lot about love and intimacy.  wishing you Godspeed on your journey and may He bless you with...

[Wendy C]

Hi Christine, As Penny said, I also think that you have taken a very important step towards getting the answers you need. I believe that you should talk this over with a qualified Therapist that is versed in Gender related matters.

You have no doubt a thousand and one questions on your mind at the moment but you need to slow down and take them one at a time. This transitional process I have found to be a two steps forward and one back so dont let it all try to overwhelm you at once. You have taken the first step and that is always the biggest. Dont be embarrased at all on the length of your post or your questions. That is what these sites and us folks are here for. To learn and to help.

Wendy

[shychristine]

thank you for your replies, I am going to take your advice and talk to my therapist. But I dont know what good it will do, besides having some one to talk to. I am ready to crawl back in my hole. After all, suffering all these years I have handled it well. Talking to a therapist will only bring out more, but I will go and see. Maybe she can make me feel better about myself.

[pennyjane]

hi christine.  i hope you won't crawl back into that hole.  handling it well is about survival, but there is life out here that is worth living. 

therapy isn't really about feeling better, and nobody can make you feel better anyway.  i think that successful therapy is about exploring issues and making changes...it's about growth.  realistically, therapy can be pretty painful at times but like most other things you get back out of it about what you put into it.  if you go into it with a negative attitude you create another hurdle to jump for yourself.  on the other hand if you go into it willing to milk it dry, get everything you possibly can from if, then you might get quite alot.

i hate to hear people thinking that they are sick and go to therapy to get well as if it were a perscription that you take to the pharmacy and get filled.  most people in therapy aren't sick at all, they just have issues that need worked out.  life can be awfully confusing for those of us who are so far from fitting it.  it can be awfully disconcerting, being sane in a crazy world, but that's pretty close to what happens with us.  transsexualism is one of those things where the culture is the cause of most of the pain.  it really isn't the transsexual's illness, or pathology or whatever you want to call it that is the biggest problem, it's society's reaction to it.  what you can learn to do in therapy is find tools to help you deal with their lack of understanding, their problem..if you will.  the insanity is theirs, so to speak, you just have to learn to deal with it.

it can be done, sweet girl...it really can.  find those who have done it successfully and see how they did it.  life is worth it...it really can be much more then survival, it can offer hope and color...turn dread into anticipation.  you really can get yourself back to looking forward to tomorrow..have things you want to do and places you want to go.  we were born to thrive...it's our destiny and ours to live.  God bless you with...

[shychristine]

Thank you Pennyjane very much. I am goint to see a Theraist to get it out in the open. I just need some one to talk to. I dont dare bring it up to my family being the way they are, and I have no friends. I dont go out because I cant be who I am. I hope my therapist will help me change that.
I need to release the pressure valve. And have someone I can go to talk to who understands. If I was to go full time I would have to move out of state and start fresh.

[Just Mandy]

Hi Christine

I'll echo what they said, but talking here can also be helpful. Just being able to share with
people here my fears, dreams, hopes, failures and success's has been a great thing
for me. I know I kept everything bottled up for a LONG time and it was like a floodgate
when I started talking about my issues.

Stick around and tell us more

Amanda