I was drinking when I wrote this peice. I guess you can tell I like to write metaphorically! lol
This writing was written earlier this year and what the meaning of this writing is, the guilt.
I am free, but I harbor a lot of guilt for putting my family through this....
I have a wonderful family, but I'm so tied up with my transition I don't always have the stability to be around them.
Meaning I am so consumed with my new life, I have no time to deal with a family.
This writing was just me expressing my guilt in a creative way.
What attitude! What grace! Look at this new streamlined body! It's going to
my head! I got it. I just want to party. I wonder how fast I can
go!!!!!!! Fresh attitude, blond steaks, man I got it all! Let's run
this puppy on alcohol and see what happens! I bet I can double my
speed! Let's throw some black paint around those hazel blue head
lights! WOW, SEXY! Whoops, don't forget to brush that grill clean.
While I'm at it, I think I'll shave and pluck a wax job. Dazzling. Wow
this paint job is tight! I can barely button it. Throw on some sexy
accessories and some scent and I'm ready to take to the roads of
life!!!! I'm going to push it further than I ever have mother f@cker!
Faster, faster! See, looking good! Even the guys like this hot rod! I'm
swinging through these curvy roads doing a 150 mph. COME ON, LET"S GO,
FASTER, FASTER! The hell with the consequences! I only live once! There
is no tomorrow! It's the end of the world! The processor is over
clocked running at top speed! WOW, look at those graphics! OOOO, that
person is hot! I'm going to let this person take this hot rod for a
spin! Man, you sure handle this beautifully. Take me out and open it up
and see how tricked out this ride can be! Wham it to the left, wham it
to the right! We're going to party tonight!!!! What's that up ahead?
STOP!!!!! CRASH! Off the ravine I go flipping and tumbling, emotional
debris flying everywhere upon each bash of the rocks on the way down!
OH SH$T! There goes the heart bursting into flames! Finally coming to a
rest at the depth of this ravine, with emotional debris scattered
everywhere around this hot rod. The flaming heart ignites an explosion
of deep sadness. I lay with my mind and soul all broken up at the
bottom of this ravine with my thoughts all tattered and frayed. There's
an eerie silence as the flames smolder them selves out. I lay there
looking up at the full moon through my busted soul with blood streaming
down my face. I can feel my life slipping away. I'm paralyzed; no one
knows I'm here! I'm actually dying! My broken mind starts throwing all
kind of memories and regrets in my heart! Pour the damn salt in the
wounds why don't you! Man, I sure wish I was sitting at home with my
wife and family. I sure wish I could have been a better husband. I
cheated on my wife with men, and yet she gave me endless love. I never
spent enough time with her; I never showed her enough love! I failed my
daughter because I was too much within myself to even care! I'll never
get a chance again to take my grandson fishing! GOD, PLEASE GIVE ME ONE
MORE SHOT! I promise I can make it work! Not like this, not now, please
god! All I did was spend the weekends speeding with alcohol! AND NOW
IT'S OVER! I'm dying with no way to tell her I'm sorry! I'm dying, and
I never told her how much I love her! I'm dying and there's no way to
mend broken hearts that I broke! What a way to go. What a way to be
remembered as the cause of chaos and heartbreak. I can't go back now
because I'm going to die in this ravine and no one knows I'm down here!
Why didn't I spend more time with my grandson? Why the hell did I get
so selfish and only think of myself? I know if I could have one more
chance to live I could make a difference. I'm going to die and there's
nothing I can do to walk away from this accident! I'm getting so cold.
It's freezing! My god this pain is unbearable! All I can think of is
laying my wife on a bed of roses and making passionate love to her.
Just to hold her one more time! I just want to run my finger gently
across her eyebrow one more time. God, please at least give me that! As
I enter the deeper stages of death, I begin to realize that most of the
b$tching I did through out my life was over nothing at all! All the
wining and complaining didn't get me anywhere! I guess it don't matter
now. It's over now, there is no coming back, I should have been a
better person when I had time on my side and I just threw it all away!
My heart is fluttering and skipping beats! My chest feels so tight! God
I feel so cold! WIFE, I LOV.....................................
