I got permission to share this letter and my reponse. Humbly submitted--
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Hello, my friend. I have been thinking of you since you talked with Dean and I want to share with you what I have been thinking.
My first reaction was surprise/shock. If you had said you were gay, getting married, moving to Japan, buying a house...almost anything--but to say you were becoming female. That hit me like a brick. Now don't get ahead of me, just let me banter on...I do that well, you know. *****, I have always considered you one of my rocks--someone I consider an "anchor" in my life--someone I can count on and consider a dear friend. I knew that if anything ever happened to Dean, I could count on you to help me through.
If we needed anything, you were there. You have been a part of my life for 27 years and part of Dean's forever! Ok, that is the basis that my reaction came from. I can't imagine you not being there. I felt a part of my foundation breaking away. So, I cried for 3 days...smile, it is my typical female, overstressed reaction to most of life these days. (Believe me, if my stress level was mapped out, they would certainly put me away! I try to ignore it, but I tend to crumble easily...a sure sign that "WAY stressed out" is a good description of Carrie. It's a good thing I had a hysterectomy or I would truly be a basket case!) It was a selfish reaction, really, and I'm sorry. But it felt like I lost you; that a friend died and was gone. The anchor line broken and another part of the world I never thought I would have to confront, walked in my front door and I couldn't ignore it anymore. The term transsexual was now a part of my world. And it was scary.
I continued to think about you, and my feelings of loss turned to feelings of guilt-- that I never saw the pain you must have felt, and feel, trying to be something/someone that you really don't feel you are. Putting on a mask, the "happy" face. I'm so sorry that I may have been part of the problem. I know for you to take such a drastic step, you must have put a lot of thought and soul searching into the decision- that would be your method, researching the topic completely and from every angle. I have always prided myself on being able to read people, but I never really saw this in you. I knew you tried to be someone you weren't--thus the edge I have observed--but I never saw a true dissatisfaction with yourself as a man. I saw you as a gentle man trying to be what he thought society expected of him--a less feeling man--and I knew that wasn't truly you. And I always hoped that you would shed that hard shell, because it wasn't you. Now I try to imagine what it must be like to feel one way, but have to live another. It must be so hard, so frustrating. No wonder you put on that shell. How else to deal with those feelings and function. Again, I'm sorry.
As I continued to work my way through, I read and reread your email, looking at some of the sites and pictures. Karen, I have looked at your picture--I see your smile; it is the same one I have always known-- and maybe more "real"; I can hear *****'s laugh in my head, and I can see you, Karen, are truly happy. So I see that while I will lose my dear friend *****, I will have an equally dear friend in Karen. My hope is you will find peace within yourself. But it is also my hope that you will not leave us behind as you make the journey. There I go being selfish again.
So while I don't understand the entire process, I do accept you and support your decision. I know that you will always be the friend that calls and talks for hours, the friend that loves good beer, and plays killer drums, the friend that researches and studies everything and can explain anything, loves Japan, hiking, and good food, the friend that makes my kids laugh, does amazing things with video and is a mentor and inspiration, the friend that looks at life just a bit different and from a scientific angle. And that will not change whether you are ***** or Karen. Whether you wear a purple skirt or Khaki pants, you will always be welcome in our home and our hearts. Please know that we are here if you need us.
Carrie
Hey, Carrie!
You went through a grieving process. It's perfectly natural. It consists of the following steps:
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/process.shtmlAnd you got through it in record time, my hat(bonnet?) is off to you.
Don't feel alarmed that you couldn't see my torment, I couldn't see it. But you provided a clue. You said once that "***** has developed an edge." That stuck with me all the years since you said it. And I wondered about it. It helped when at last I had my epiphany (a story in itself.)
Another thing that helped at epiphany time was the realization that, in all the visits I'd made to your home, we'd formed a girlfriend-to-girlfriend relationship -- all those mornings chatting at the breakfast table, chatting during picnics, chatting while shopping. The funny thing is, I had us BOTH fooled...
Through all this; from before, through transition, until whatever comes after; I will always remain me. I'm still going to remember the time my step-brothers goaded me into punching Dean in the mouth, high school parties, meeting you for the first time, the lavish 40th birthday party you and your sons threw me... All that stuff is still there, and ain't going away. I'm still me
"The guy", though, is going away.
I think one of the things that I enjoyed best about my visits with you is that I didn't have to maintain him as hard. You always accepted me whatever way I was. I could relax. You may not see all that much change (You'll certainly be in on the joke as I get ogled by some unibrow-sporting cretin!)
As I envisioned my transformation, you and Dean were ALWAYS a part of it. Somehow I knew that I'd find acceptance from you and Dean, and I'd fantasize visiting you again (with a few minor(major?) changes, of course ;-)
Carrie, be happy for me! The moment I accepted this in myself, it seemed as if a 2-ton weight I'd never noticed (or had ignored as if it was normal,) had been lifted off my shoulders! At least half the work had been done, right there! Each person I come out to, and who accepts me, lifts another weight off me!
I'm now out to my boss at work, and our section chief. He and she act as my eyes and ears. I had to come out to my Stepmother when I screwed up and accidentally had a package from Lane Bryant end up at the house, not my mail drop. She's totally cool about it.
What are you going to see that changes? Boobs.
Long hair again. Maybe painted nails. Womens clothing. I'm working on a character voice. That's exactly what it is. If I gave you or your daughter testosterone for 6 months, you'd sound like a man the rest of your life -- the male voice is a one-way trip. So I have to learn to place my voice in a different part of my throat, where the resonance is different and female-sounding. The wicked thing is, I still have the DI-from-Full-Metal-Jacket voice on tap, and can unleash it in the locker room at the fitness center. I hope you're there if I ever do, we'll DIE laughing about it!!!
Here are my latest pictures. I'm going through a second puberty (it's just part of the process...) I was shopping clearance items in Lane Bryant, trying to stretch my dollar. The thirteen-year-old-girl side of me said, "I waaaan-it! I godddda have It...!!" It was on sale, sort of...
<snip, links to recent pictures>
Finally, can I post your letter to Susan's Place forum? Others who are transitioning can benefit from reading it. Your writing is eloquent. I have more empathy these days, and I felt the emotion welling up in me as I read it. I'm still happy as I write this, and I know it will make others happy to read it
I do want to call soon, just to talk to you. It will be a continuation of the relationship we've had all these years. But we'll both see it now in a new light!
And I'm very happy and thankful that you have come to accept my change. I'm still here, just with new possibilities!
Karen
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When I called her to ask permission to post this, she answered and I said, "Hey, girlfriend!" She laughed and it was just like old times.
K
