Confused, Need Advice

[BrendaBunnie]

i am not sure about anything anymore.   I am clueless as to who I am.  The more and more I think about it the more and more I realize how I'm contempt with just being a guy.  Despite the fact that I love dressing as a girl.  Even though when I dress it is always behind closed curtains.  I've always been ashamed of it like I am taking part in some demonic ritual.  I mentally entertain the thought of actually being a female but those moments do not last forever.  It is like a swinging pendulum.  I travel from one end of the spectrum to the other and it happens daily. 

There are times when I am adamant about one path, but I never follow through.  Then I realize if I had followed through I would have ruined my entire life. 

My name is Steven, not Brenda.  I am 23 years old.  I am a lazy, anti-social, unmotivated failure.  And I am more ashamed of being attracted to guys then I am of being all the things I listed above.  How is my mind so effed up?  Bad wiring I presume. 

I don't even know if this thread belongs here, if it doesn't I apologize.

I have no idea what I need to do to find some direction.  Anyone have any ideas?

[findingreason]

Hi BrendaBunnie.



I wanted to let you know you are not alone in this by any means. Sounds like you are in a fight with depression too, are you not?

I'm going through a similar dilemma too, so you have a sympathetic individual with you  .

I am a lazy, anti-social, unmotivated failure.  And I am more ashamed of being attracted to guys then I am of being all the things I listed above.  How is my mind so effed up?  Bad wiring I presume.

Bad wiring? I kinda doubt it, you don't sound like it in the slightest. We all go through these ups and downs, and YES it can be confusing, I think virtually every single person here would tell you the same.

Have you tried meditation? I haven't done it in a while, but when I did it was so beneficial, it does SO much to relax and rejuvenate the mind.

Most importantly, have you seen a gender specialist at all? If not, you should if you can.

I think you could use a hug too

[vanessalaw]

Hi Brenda / Steven,
I know you're hurting right now. Sheesh, words seem to trite, don't they?
I don't know you personally, but I can share in your confusion and the pain of trying to understand who you are. As you grapple with this, many other parts of your life may seem to fade into the background, perhaps even making it difficult to appreciate the things you do well. To see the beauty inside you.

I'm not sure if I have any good advice. But I can share, from my experience that time and a sincere desire to understand and love yourself are invaluable. It'll be hard, with so many people telling you that who you are is wrong. Heck, even telling you it's wrong to be confused. It's okay. As long as you keep searching for the wonderful person inside of you, it's okay.

Hugs,
Vanessa

[Janet_Girl]

First things first.
Hi Steven aka Brenda,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2089 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another member.

Second of all.  Do you have a gender therapist?  This would be the first place I would suggest.  You maybe a cross dresser or you could be transsexual.  You could be gay.  They will help you look into yourself and find the answers you seek. None of these are anything to be ashamed of.  Anti-social goes with the territory.  Many TSs, CDs, and GLBT are anti-social because they try to hide their real feelings thinking that the world will explode if they are true to their inner self.  Well for me I thought the world ended when I told my wife that I was really a woman and she split our family apart.  But today I went to her house as the real me and we are in contact again.  No explosions, no worlds colliding, no death of the species.  

Only you know your inner self, seek the truth within and follow your heart and spirit.  Never trust the mind, because it is confessed with all the outside BS.

Best of luck and seek out a therapist.

[BrendaBunnie]

Thanks findingreason and Vanessa, I appreciate the kind words.  *hugs*

I feel that I'm not getting any younger, everyday that passes is another day wasted.  For not starting my own independent life.  For not being able to leap these walls I've placed around me.  For reasons I could list endlessly.

I realize that so many of us here are burdened with problems and dilemmas just like my own.  Knowing I am not alone has been helpful.  But I don't reach out to anyone much, nor do I share my story of confusion and depression.  I always feel guilty of trying to be an attention-grabber.  My mom is a notorious person for acting out just for attention, to be the one at the center.  I try to avoid that.  I empathize with so many of you all here, and want to let you all know that I am honored to have read your stories you have shared and I admire your strength to be open.  It has motivated me to be more open.

But I'm honestly in a pickle when I say I am stuck between stations. 

I know that I am much too ashamed to come out to my family or friends.  I've thought about it a lot, I realize that I don't want to come out to them.  It isn't the fear of rejection that stops me.  It is a mixture of me not being sure I have a right to state something about myself when even I question it's validity and just not wanting them to know. 


I don't hate myself, or hate being a guy.  I'm not in agony or believe myself to be trapped in the wrong body. 
I don't know if I'm depressed or not.

Janet - Thanks for being so kind.  I live in Kentucky, and the city I live in is the most....conservative place in the world.  Well I can't vouch for that to be accurate but I sure as hell feel like it.  I do not have a gender therapist, but I have looked for some but none exist near my home.  I do not have the funds to pay for therapy, or to even travel to a therapist.  I'm one the fence about online therapy.. 

[MarySue]

Dear Steven (aka Brenda),

Your story is eerily similar to mine. I love dressing up as a girl, and I would have preferred to have been born female. And I've always known those desires were wrong, sick, perverted, yadda, yadda. But I don't feel like a girl trapped in a man's body, nor do I hate my male self. Back when I was your age, I looked into transitioning, but I finally decided to play the hand I was dealt, so to speak.

In some ways, it's worked out well. In others, not so good. But I've survived.

And yes, I'm confused as all hell, and I have been since I was a kid. I can't say I've gotten any less confused as I've gotten older, but I have learned to cope with the confusion. I think.

So I can offer hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel -- and it's not a train.

You don't sound lazy to me, though. If nothing else, if you really were lazy, you'd never get involved in a forum like this! Perhaps you have unrealistic expectations? Maybe you're comparing yourself to friends and acquaintances who are good at faking their success??

Anyway, you asked for how to "find some direction." Here's what has worked for me.

Find something you enjoy doing. Something that gives you a reason to get up in the morning.

And then do it! Let it take over your life. Let it be an all consuming passion. Let it give you a reason not to jump off a bridge -- today.

For me it was computers (yeah, I'm a nerd).

I hope that helps!

-- "Mary Sue" (No, that's not the real me; I have no idea who the "real" me is)

[BrendaBunnie]

Thanks Mary!

I already have a few passions, but they only worsens my image of appearing lazy.. one is getting addicted TV shows.  I don't actually watch them on TV during syndication though.  I'll find something interesting and will attain the DVDs (torrent or purchase)....and not long after I will have devoured episodes like potato chips.  No joke.  But it is something I love.  I love getting lost inside a story with dynamic characters.  I'm somewhat of a writer and I guess enjoying stories is part of the territory.

Another passion of mine is poetry.  I wish I could say I am an avid reader of poetry...but I am not.  I think poetry is a personal outlet for me.  I do my best to let my poetry encapsulate me from both my male and female qualities.  I have plans to write fiction, but I have a nasty habit to start something and then quit.  It is my biggest character flaw.  I'm fickle. 

So, TV shows, poetry, and last.....music.  I am constantly on the lookout for new music.  There is nothing more meaningful for me than music.  So much is said and conveyed when words and sound collide.  Music is the driving factor to what helped me cope with cancer. (Had a rough bout of it when I was a Junior in high school.)  My favorite thing in the world is to get in a vehicle and just drive with the music blaring.  Destination is meaningless.  (Sadly gas prices are efficiently putting a stop to this beloved activity of mine.)

But I do all of this alone.  I am living my life with myself, and it is starting to wear me down.  I'm surrounded by family members and friends who are all finding jobs and getting married or finding boyfriends/girlfriends.  Whilst here I am alone, I haven't been with anyone in 2+ years.  And the person I was with then was my first relationship.  I am trying to find strength in being single, but it is so difficult.  I don't understand why I am unable to have a plethora of friends to hang out with, to connect me to other people, so I can find someone for me. 

I am exclusively attracted to men.  And I do abhor the thought of being with one as a male, maybe abhor is too strong a term though..  I've always imagined myself as the female in the relationship.  So I'm at a crossroads, because I know I don't have to transition for me to enjoy my life.  Yet I feel the urge to find my Mr. Right.....preferring sexual relations with him as a woman.  (To feel everything with a guy as a girl....) 



Recently though I've really wanted to someone to talk to.  For support.  Someone who I can completely confide in, preferably a woman, be it GG or TG/TS.  And therapy is something I'm very much leaning towards.. 

My life is a tangled web of cords, you know, there is always one place where you have to hook up like 9 different things to outlets and despite how hard you try to make it look neat and clean you can't.  That is my life. 

[Dayna1975]

Coming out for me was a hard decision and transitioning was even harder to do.  I strongly suggest that you talk to a counselor and also maybe find a local support group.  I lost a lot when I came out, but I found my true self instead.  The people that do not accept me include former friends and family members.  For me I have moved on, put them behind me and the ones that accept me for me I know are my true friends and family.  I know its a hard decision and your feelings are perfectly normal.  That is my two cents I hope that helps. 

[RN1814]

Life will always be beautiful...I 'm very ,very happy to C U...You know before here, there are hardly any forum or people talk about gender problems...And if you expose Urself,really, your doom is coming...I'm not here to say anything wrong about the world ,but,that's the reality.God knows how did I find here.
So if you are considering a new way,that's cool!!

[tekla]

I see all too often a linking between sex and the rest of the life deal.  People can be successful, motivated, achieving people regardless of who they are attracted to.  Nor, as a visit to the successful transitions website shows are there any lack of TS persons with PhD, or who are doctors, lawyers, professors and other accomplished careers.

I would speculate that the difference is not in who you are attracted to, or what your GID status is, but rather what you choose to do about it, how you work with it, incorporate it in your life or if you just sit somewhere and obsess about it.

I said somewhere else that most TS don't need therapy, they need a life - and in the end, that's all therapy will tell you to do, go out and be the person you think you are, the person that will make yourself (and maybe others) happy.

If you liked driving around to music, and I did, try riding a bike with some iTunes, or my favorite, a skiing soundtrack (Big band and rockabilly and bluegrass do very well) or just walk.  You still don't need a destination, I ride for miles and miles every day with no real point, just for the workout and to be out in the sun, and doing something.  I take a camara, so I can take photos of some of the things I see.

I've always been ashamed of it like I am taking part in some demonic ritual.
Hopefully you will find a way around that shame, and it can become someother, better type of ritual, one of joy, acceptance, and exploration. 

No matter what your looking for, I know that person, or persons are out there.  Find out what kind of things such people might enjoy, and get involved in that, join a group or two, volunteer or something.

[vanessalaw]

Tekla - well said! Would you mind if I shared your post with readers on my website Crossdresser Heaven ?

I think your post is so full of encouragement and great advice!

Hugs,
Vanessa

[tekla]

Go ahead, just spell my name right.