Coming Out... And Going Right Back In.

[Sarah Dreams]

My wife and I went to Palm Springs for an extended weekend. We have a condo there and we both needed a break from work. At dinner on Saturday night the conversation turned to our mutual therapist. We occasionally discuss what the other is talking about in therapy, although not everything. When she asked what I had been talking about, I told her that I had been dealing with some old issues and I had not come to grips with them yet and did not want to talk about them. She said OK and I thought that was that.

Later, she broached the subject again by asking if these issues of mine were related to past issues she and I had discussed. I said yes. "Are you sure you can't discuss them with me?", she asked. "Not really. Not now.", I replied.

She told me there was nothing I couldn't tell her. That I needed to trust her and our marriage. She cajoled me for a while until my desire to come clean with her won out. I agreed to tell her after we got back home and our son was asleep.

Arriving back at the condo, my wife quickly put our son to bed and joined me in the living room for our talk. This is when I sealed my fate. I looked her in the eye and told her "I think I'm a transsexual." you could have heard the idea of a pin drop. Then she began crying and said "How could you? How could you do this to our marriage?" She then accused me of completely devastating her whole life and our marriage; of making a lie of our whole relationship. She said ->-bleeped-<- is a fraud. She asked what she was supposed to do with this information. I told her all she had to do was understand and support me and that I would never knowingly do anything to truly jeopardize our marriage or our son's well being. That just made her more upset. So much for there being nothing I could not tell her.

Long story short, I whimped out and gave in and said that maybe she was right and I was just confused and that our therapist could probably help me realize the error of my ways. What error? The one nature made in the womb? Yeah, OK.

So, here I go. Out of the closet and right back in again. Of course, I will never be anything other than what I am. I am a woman. But it seems I must live as a man. Sigh. I guess I'll have to cultivate some secret friends who will understand me. Susan'ss is a good start. I will have to find some supportive group in San Diego. Anyone know of one?

[sneakersjay]

She needs time.

She needs information.

And then more time.

To be honest, when I finally figured out that *I* was transsexual, even *I* was in total denial, due to the erroneous information I had and the stereotypes I'd been exposed to.  I had to educate myself on transsexualism, because at first in no way did I identify with *those* people.  Yet I was one...so there went the stereotype.

The marriage may NOT survive, whether you transition or not.  But can you live with yourself while denying who you are?  It's a miserable way to live, and you know that already.

Hang in there.  At least it's out in the open.  Are you seeing a gender therapist yet?  Mine was wonderful at educating my ex; he was very concerned about our kids when I told him I was trans and planned on transitioning.  Unfounded fears, but his fears nonetheless.

And you have our support.

Jay

[Arch]

Ditto what Sneakersjay says--in fact, you both need time to process all of this. We're all pulling for you, Sarah. Things WILL get better. Keep coming to Susan's--someone's always here.

[Imadique]

 

Well at least her therapist knows where you're coming from and can probably help your wife understand a bit better, maybe act as a bit of a mediator for you if your wife won't  communicate with you about it?

[Windrider]

Sarah,

First off let me give you some hugs. *hugs* You were very brave in telling your wife. And yes, you *did* need to tell her. Keeping it a secret and creating a "secret" life are not the way to go. If you thought your wife's reaction was bad the first time, when she finds out your "secret" life, the resulting explosion will be incomparable. So, I don't recommend the "secret life" route. For marriages to survive, you need to be honest and keep the lines of communication open.

Marriages can and do survive transition.

As sneakersjay said, your wife needs more time. When a person realizes they are transsexual, it's like having a bomb dropped on the spouse sometimes. Gather up some information and ask your therapist for some advice on broaching the subject with your wife again. I don't know if this will help, but one of the things Dani did for me was open up a "listening line". Where she just listened to what I wanted to talk about regarding transition. The important thing is that there were no arguments or blame or anything; she just listened.

As an SO, I can totally understand your wife's reaction. It's fairly normal. In no way should you treat it as a "reason" to go back into the closet. When our spouses tell us they they want to change their genders, it creates a whole lot of strong, conflicting feelings, which take a while to sort out. Anger is there, grief is there, sadness, confusion, pain...SO's have to do a lot of thinking in the initial stages. Your wife's probably thinking about how people will perceive her and how family will react. She'll be thinking how to tell your son, and what about work and school? She may think of it as a threat to her "womanhood", that you'll somehow be "better". She may also have phobias about lesbians, due to high amounts of misinformation put out by a host of religious institutions. She may also think that you want to change overnight (and even if you do, I suggest keeping to a pace your wife is comfortable with.) Or she may be thinking stuff I can't even guess at. This is where that listening line and having information ready can help...so you can learn what your wife is thinking and have info handy to help calm her fears.

You may want to suggest therapy for your wife as well, so she has a safe place to talk about things. I also *highly* recommend couple's sessions. As Dani (my spouse) said, this ultimately is about *us*.

Let us know how it goes, OK? I hope I was able to give you a bit of insight as to what your wife may be feeling. Don't give up!

WR

[CC]

Dear Sarah,

First, congratulations on telling your wife. I think you did the right thing for the moment in softening your commitment. This may allow you wife some time to let this huge threat to her life and dreams set in. Try and remember, you have dealt with this and researched what it means to you for your whole life, but she just heard this the other day and has no knowledge of what it really means. So give her some time and maybe she will look for some bring it up again

When I first told my wife last year that I thought I was trans she reacted much the same way. How could I ruin her marraige and life and even think of doing that to the kids! I had even told her I was a crossdresser when we first met 20 years ago. In fact she had even participated with me. But children came and the dressing went back in the closet.

Fast forward to this week. I finally broke down this week and could not sneak around or lie anymore. When my wife came and picked me up I shared everything about what I've been going through, where I need to go and that I needed her to accept and embrace all of me.

Today she asked me how I'm doing and then told me to stop making everything so difficult and just be who I am. She then held me told me she loves me. Sigh.

So long story but I'm trying to show you that things can change with knowledge and time. So hang in there dear work with your therapist on how to move forward with her.

Hugs,

Christine

[almost,angie]

 My girlfriend of 15 years totally freaked out and acted like she hated me for a week. She eventually came around and now we are married and she is paying fro my transition wile I am home with the kids. it is amazing how things can turn out. I`m not saying your wife will come around but it does happen. Many SO`s stay with us when we transition.

[Sarah Dreams]

Thank you all for the sweet advice. It sets me a bit more at ease. I still want to cry, though. I think my wife and I could have an even closer relationship if she would support me in my journey. Wherever it may lead.

It's interesting. my wife is a very strong woman. Almost emotionally masculine. Almost. She rarely ever cries and does not break down emotionally. She's a lawyer and must be strong and competitive. In many ways, her personality is like my father's. In many ways mine is like my mother's. It seems as though I married my dad!

Our roles in the marriage are also non-traditional. While our roles are not completely polarized, she has taken on the role of husband and I the role of wife. I guess I subconciously picked her as a mate because of this.

I just wish she could see what I see, feel what I feel and that I could see through her eyes and feel her emotions.

You know, before we were married, I told her a lot about my past and my crossdressing and homosexual experiences. This should not have been the blow it was. I have several times elaborated on my first confessions and included more of my feelings and desires. maybe I'm just not woman enough to understand what her thought processes would be. Or maybe she is more male in her thinking. No... I'll not transfer my TG tendencies onto her... not fair and not right. She is all woman and beautiful for it.

Sorry, I rambled on a bit.

[trapthavok]

I think everyone else has already given you great advice, they've said what I had to say, and said it much better than I would.

I just wanted you to know that you have my love and support  Sarah. I know you are 100% woman, there was never a doubt. Don't you doubt yourself either, or pretend to for your wife. Denying yourself is the hardest thing and not being who you truly are hurts more than having your wife try to come to terms with it. Trust me on that.

Know yourself, love yourself. And begin getting the help and support you and your wife need at this time. I would recommend having a specialist help the two of you out. This doesn't have to be the end of your marriage if you have a counselor who understands and can try and help your wife do the same. (Plus, specialists see you for who you are and never say "if your husband is trans" or "he he he." They use the correct pronouns and know you're not "pretending" as some regular therapists tend to doubt.)

Like Jay said, she needs time. She needs to understand. She needs to at least try. But give her time.

 

[pennyjane]

hi sarah, time...yup, a great healer.  but i wonder if you can ever really get back in the closet and keep the door closed.  i think cc said something pretty profound when she said that backing off your committment for awhile might be a good idea.  it's really a good thought and might take some discipline to pull off, but...i always would be wondering...i let the cat out of the bag...she'll always suspect me now.  somebody said information...i really think that's the best thing you have going for you.  she's obviously not given this subject much thought and is terribly uninformed...you might try to find ways to change that without pushing too hard.

as angie said...these things can and do work all the time.  i know we think it's impossible at first, and in some cases maybe it is, but we can get surprised too.  there are some kinds of love that can trump gender.

personally i am very impressed with your attitude, "i would never do anything that might harm our relationship and our son."  it can be done without harming them and it's a great place to start.  i hope you do find a way to fullfill your own identity and your family at the same time.  may God bless with...

[Sarah Dreams]

Thank you, Penny. My wife and I are both Christian. We are fundamentalist Christian, if you can believe that. This is partly why it has taken me so long to reach the point where I simply cannot deny myself any longer. All those years I had where I was living half and half male and female were guilt ridden years. Puctuated by thoughts that I was somehow hurting God by desiring womanhood and by expressing it as I did. Now, I just don't know.

I can't deny that I am a girl inside. It is impossible to do so. But I still cannot reconcile the Bible and my feminine desires. If I am having trouble with it, imagine what my wife is going through. Her whole experience with TS/TG is me: the *man* she married who has neglected part of our marriage for reasons only now realized. There was always something wrong with our sex life - me! Now that I know that, I have a new, inexplicable attraction for my wife, which she ironically no longer reciprocates because her husband is a *fake* and not worthy to be the spiritual head of the house.

Very few on this board, I believe, have the experience to understand this dilemma in its entirety. I hope I am wrong. I do not blame nor do I condemn those who are Wiccan or Athiest or Pagan believe other than I do - There is nothing for me to blame - I am not the Judge. God has granted us all the freedom to choose for ourselves who we are and what path to take. I just pray that my path is not one which God said would not be helpful. (1Cr 10:23: All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify.) But those with another belief system cannot truly understand the depth of my dilemma.

I truly appreciate all the comments. All have helped tremendously and have eased my burdon. But I now need a Christian's advice with the rest of it. There will be no changing my wife's point of view without a Christian perspective - and one that is well grounded in the Bible. I am what the fundamentalist movement fears most - a wolf amongst the flock. But I am not a wolf. I am just a woman. A frightened, lonely girl shivering in the cold. I stare at the Light, but dare not approach for fear of reproach. Yet I need the warmth of that Light desparately.

[Arch]

Sarah, you and I could not be coming from more different perspectives. I hope that a few of your fellow Christians weigh in with their perspectives on this thread.

But I have two questions before I turn in for the night. Do you believe that God lovingly made you as you are? And if you do believe that, do you also believe that God wants you to be all that you can be (to steal a phrase from the Army) and be happy, or are you of the opinion that God would prefer that you struggle against your inner nature and somehow reconcile yourself to living as a man?

I don't want to be disrespectful, but I've met so many Christians who say that they believe in a loving God, but then they impute...call it unlovingness...to that same God. This I truly do not understand. I want you to be happy and comfortable with yourself. Do you believe that God wants any less for you?

If I were a praying man, I would be praying for you right now. As it is, please know that you are in my thoughts. I can't imagine the depth of your spiritual struggle, but I can offer my best wishes that all will work out for the best.

[Sarah Dreams]

Thank you, Arch. As a Christian, I believe help can come from any quarter so I do not reject anyone's comments. Some advice from the most non-Christian of people has turned out to be the best I have ever gotten. And I must say, the warm, open welcome I received here at Susan's is the more loving than any I have received at a church. Which I think is sad considering we were commanded to love everyone without condemnation.

Thank you, hon,
*hugs*

[Jordan]

IMO the only way to be a Transgendered Christain is to recgonize that the bible is a farce written in a even more clouded closed minded society than our own.

Do you really think that God would tell man to write to stone disobiedient children.

Or that being Gay = SIN= and to stone them.

The bible is ficticous, but I hold reserve for the idea of GOD because nothing can disprove that.

[sneakersjay]

Thank you, Penny. My wife and I are both Christian. We are fundamentalist Christian, if you can believe that. This is partly why it has taken me so long to reach the point where I simply cannot deny myself any longer. All those years I had where I was living half and half male and female were guilt ridden years. Puctuated by thoughts that I was somehow hurting God by desiring womanhood and by expressing it as I did. Now, I just don't know.

I can't deny that I am a girl inside. It is impossible to do so. But I still cannot reconcile the Bible and my feminine desires. If I am having trouble with it, imagine what my wife is going through. Her whole experience with TS/TG is me: the *man* she married who has neglected part of our marriage for reasons only now realized. There was always something wrong with our sex life - me! Now that I know that, I have a new, inexplicable attraction for my wife, which she ironically no longer reciprocates because her husband is a *fake* and not worthy to be the spiritual head of the house.

Very few on this board, I believe, have the experience to understand this dilemma in its entirety. I hope I am wrong. I do not blame nor do I condemn those who are Wiccan or Athiest or Pagan believe other than I do - There is nothing for me to blame - I am not the Judge. God has granted us all the freedom to choose for ourselves who we are and what path to take. I just pray that my path is not one which God said would not be helpful. (1Cr 10:23: All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify.) But those with another belief system cannot truly understand the depth of my dilemma.

I truly appreciate all the comments. All have helped tremendously and have eased my burdon. But I now need a Christian's advice with the rest of it. There will be no changing my wife's point of view without a Christian perspective - and one that is well grounded in the Bible. I am what the fundamentalist movement fears most - a wolf amongst the flock. But I am not a wolf. I am just a woman. A frightened, lonely girl shivering in the cold. I stare at the Light, but dare not approach for fear of reproach. Yet I need the warmth of that Light desparately.

Sarah, I grew up in a Christian household, was born again during the Jesus Movement of the seventies, and went to a well-known religious university.  I understand where you are coming from.  I denied my true self as well, not really knowing what it was, yet thinking I was very strange for thinking like a male, and never fitting in with women. 

Though long ago I cut my ties to the church and religious people; most had an agenda that seemed to cater to their own beliefs and not reality.  I am also a linear/logical scientist (biology) and saw during college the biologic nature of homosexuality first hand.  I am not/was not gay, though before I wholly understood it thought I might be (why else would I always be a guy on top in my dreams/fantasies?  I was with a woman??).

As you know you didn't choose to be transgender; you are a woman.  God made you that way.  Why?  Who knows.  I see the work being done by other transpeople that have gone before me and the good that they're doing in their communities, and I wonder if there is some higher purpose we transgendered people are called to do.

Where I'm at spiritually/religion wise:  I believe the Bible has good stories and provides a good moral code (ie 10 commandments); and I also believe Jesus' teachings.  I do not believe being transgender is sinful -- how can it be a sin when we were born this way??  I can't imagine a loving God wanting his creations to deny their true selves and live a lie.  That's fraud and deceit, which are sins.

Anyway I haven't attended church in >20 years; haven't prayed since it left me without answers, depressed, and suicidal.  My kids, my pets, a truckload of Zoloft and a decent therapist got me through that.  If your church is judgmental (gee, isn't that a sin, too?!) find another church.  There are other more open minded churches out there (Universalist Unitarian comes to mind).  I do hear you.

Jay

[pennyjane]

hi sarah.  i know exactly what you mean by needing a christian perspective.  i have never been able to find any direct reference to transsexualism in christian scripture.  homosexuality is referenced in several different ways and some want to liken it to our experience, i cannot.  sexual orientation and gender identity are entirely seperate affairs.

from a christian perspective, one that does not question the righteousness of scripture, only the interpretation, i have found one passage that i still consider often and from different perspectives.  i confess i haven't come to a full understanding of it but i sense something very profound and personal in it...matt 19:12.  another passage i find very comforting and relative to me is in collosians 3 8-11.

i will not defend or argue these passages or the righteousness of scripture.  i only bring them up to share with a fellow christian words of comfort.

theorectically i believe THE fundamental tenant of christianity is love.  i have not found how a mortal can reconcile love and judgement...to me that seems like serving two masters.  it would take a greater person then i to do both these things well.  ok, i'm not real good at practicing this philosophy but i try, it's an aspiration.

when i talk about sharing information with your wife i think of really just one thing...once that if understood the rest can just fall into place.  biology does not determine gender, it is but a symtom...it can be manifest or not.  gender is determined in the overall conception of self, in the heart and in the brain.  it sounds simple and straight forward and to the open mind it probably is, but tearing down the old misconceptions to allow for this new reality is the challenge.  i recommend persistance, repetitivness and patience.

loving God, to me, makes me want to be the best i can be of what He has created: i believe i am to bring glory to His Name.  by living a life of denial of what He has made, one of deceitfulness in the rest of His creation, i feel i'm creating circumstances i'm just not strong enough in faith to overcome.  i cannot be proud of His creation while i hide my part of it away in the shadows of shame and guilt.  it is not for me to be ashamed of anything God has made...myself included.  so i have had to figure out the truth of what i believe God has made.  my short answer:  "nature made my body, God made my spirit...where there is conflict, i'll go with God."  and may He bless you and your dear wife with...