Confused

[cindybc]

Hmmm I beleive I will go to bed now. *Night*

Cindy

[Lost]

Thank you all for your replies. I am going to take all you said and do some serious thinking. But if it wasnt for bad luck I wouldnt have any luck. If I try to touch that crack I am sure my world would come crashing down on me. I dont like living a lie, I want to be me. And yes everyday is killing me slowly and making me a very bitter person but I dont think I can hadle everything crashing down on me at once.

[cindybc]

Hon, it won't. If an old fart like me could do it, anyone can. I was 54 years old when I started my journey and I haven't regretted any of it. Just takes some good planing and a good session with a good therapist who can help you to make the plans and decisions you need in order to stop the leak in the dam, make it the dam of optimism. I didn't even have a therapist, I used my shrink and he was no way anywhere close to being a professional gender therapist. I had to teach him for the most part.

Cindy

Posted on: October 17, 2008, 07:54:03 amI know, I was supposed to go to sleep, but I guess that is not in my cards this morning. Wanna go dam watching? 

Cindy

[Sephirah]

Psshh, Cindy you're not an old fart.

Lost, think about dismantling  it one piece at a time rather than taking a whole lot of explosive and detonating it all at once. Take it one step at a time, like a journey rather than a sudden displacement.

First step, you've already taken. Admitting to yourself how you feel. The second step, you've taken that, too... telling other people (us here). The third step, getting in touch with a therapist... you're taking that next. That's all it is, honey, a series of steps that lead to your goal. Just focus on each one instead of the whole thing and it might not seem so daunting.

*hugs*

[Lost]

I first want to thank everyone for your help. Just what I am trying to say is this....
I have been alone my whole life so to speak, in a living hell admiting who I am and not being able to tell any one. I have read through this froums and there are a lot of people who felt like me. They were willing to give up everything to be themselves. But the thing is their family, friends, girlfriends, wives and jobs supported them which is great!
But I know I will lose my family, I have no friends and I would have to quit my job. So I go all the way and get SRS. Now I am a depressed woman with no job and no one to fall back on. I would be more alone and depressed more then I am now. Would that be a better life??
I have always put others before me. I dont like to hurt anyone and even though my family isnt too close they still call or e-mail and that is all I have. So saying this I will put this to bed.
Thank you once again for your thoughts.

[sneakersjay]

Lost, you don't know that you will lose everyone until you tell them.  They might even already know. They could support you and love you  no matter what.  And you may also find that being true to yourself may lift your depression and open up opportunities to you that you can't see right now.

Jay

[cindybc]

Hi Lost hon. It don't have to go that way if  your transitioned is well planed out ahead. There are many here who have went back to school to get a degree for a better trade skill of sorts. Better pay and better security. They go to school and continue to work at their regular job and begin their transition. By the time they are ready to come out they have already moved on to their new job position.

As for family well that is something that is unpredictable. Some have been successful in continuing a relationship with family. But when it comes to a spouse or wife the chances of a wife hanging on after you start full time get much slimer. As for friends I had more friends after I came out then I did before. Most of them were female friends though female friends appear to be somewhat more accepting of who we are.

That is still the case since I moved her to my new home in Vancouver BC where all of my friends are women for the exception of one gentleman. It all depends on how much you desire to apply yourself and just how determined you are to learn and to make this work. Of course a good upbeat personality and how you project yourself to people will also determine just how successful you become in your female role.

It's a lot of work and it won't be done in one night. It is not possible to condition ones self to learning the female characteristics and how a woman behaves feels and thinks in just a couple of short years where it took a GG all of her life to get to be where she is at the same age where you are. But a lot is learned instinctively and intuitively beleive me you will once you begin HRT.

Cindy

[Lost]

Ater doing some serious thinking and a little mor research I came across this web page, she has become my mentor. My biggest fear about coming out is my job. How would I live until I found another and would they be understanding of what I am going through.
As far as my family goes she brings up the word selfish. I have read though so many froums and noticed that a lot of people say they dont care if they lose family and friends as lon as they are happy.
Yes I could consider this selfish, thinking they are only thinking about themselves and if their family and friends cant handle it, then that is their problem.
But on the other hand if they reject you, could it be that they would feel embrassed or ashamed of what other people might say. Example: How could you do this to me? what are my friends going to think and say! You will make me a laughing stock if you go though this. Or Hey dude I dont think we can hang out, I dont want people to think I am gay. Sorry I cant let people see me hanging around a guy in a dress. Here are they not only thinking about themselves? Isnt that selfish?
I am  not gay, I am past 30 and as much as I would have love to get married or be with a woman wouldnt be right for me since I feel like I should have been a woman and could not be with a guy ( being a guy) it isnt right for me, so yes I am a virgin. But being I have to change and shower at work before We can go home
would be out of the question. I work with some people who think cross dressers and transgenders are all gay and my employer would not accomadte. I know because we had a gay guy working there one time and people complained that the had to change and shower with him. They ould not add another shower or bathroom and made it real hard for him until he quit.

[Wendy C]

Lost, like the others here I think you have taken a big step in the right direction by seeing a Therapist.
Even if this particular therapist doesnt turn out to be the right one, you can always change to another and that is not uncommon.

I wasnt going to even add to this thread because of the expert and caring advice you already have been given but something you said jumped out at me and reminded me of myself.  I have spent the last thirty years actively working against this, even though I always have known exactly who I really was. The reason I used was that I could not in clear concious hurt my father, then it was my wife and kids and so started that path that has brought misery to my mind and soul.

It has only been since last year when I finally placed all my cards on the table that I have finally been at peace. It has been costly in terms of family relationships and other matters but I will tell you from my heart that things in my life are finally better and I get up in the morning rather than wishing the world would just go away. If you truly believe and have GID then you will never escape it, it will come back and bite you again and again until you finally deal with it. I am now closer to 62 years of age and believe me I only wish I never would have given up my lifelong dream. Hugs and do come back, you will get answers you seek here.

Wendy

[Ellieka]

Hi lost.

Guess what? I see you and I see myself. granted there are some differences but I can totally relate to your pain. One thing I have started doing that helps me feel better was to start associating with more open minded people and letting the more close minded ones know that I hold no prejudice for some one that is gay or trans. I try to gently inform them with scientific fact that being gay or trans is not a choice it is the way some one is born. This I feel will lessen the shock when I finally come out completely.

Secondly, about the wall... I just put in a dam that I can open when I am alone. I set time for myself to be alone and then I dive into that wonderful river that is me.   

I hope we can both make it through this with minimal anguish. I'd love to have friends that can share this journey with me.

[Lost]

You are right Elliera, being around people who are quick to label is only drawing me deeper into my hole. That is way I have not been going out and shutting my self in. I had my first session today with my therapist and left there in a daze but I have beening thinking about what she said, almost what you just said. She asked me if I felt like I was a woman trapped in a male body. I couldnt answer that question.But on my way home I knew I was and denied it. I have to honest with my self first and accept it if I want others to accept me.
Even though I feel like I am in the wrong body I cant admit it. I guess I am afraid that the world would come crashing down on me. I need to get out and be with people who understand. Thank you

[Ellieka]

And thank you as well Lost for just speaking out. It helps me to know I'm not alone.