How did you come out to family?

[trapthavok]

The question is self-explanatory.

I have come out to my parents, my sister (basically  my immediate family)

and now it's been a few months. I am getting a legal name change ASAP (courts and paperwork pending) soooo....

I need to tell my extended family sooner or later, and sooner would probably be better than later. This is real, my transition is happening. I can't just walk through the door one day for thanksgiving amidst all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and say "Hey" in this deep booming voice, full beard, and all and act like nothing has changed.

So if anyone else has come out to extended family how did you do it?! One person at a time? One family at a time? Did you tell everyone? Or just the people you see all the time?

[Alex509]

My motherincluded it in the annual family Christmas letter.  I made sure that my email address was included, so that if someone had questions and such they could get it right from me. 

[sneakersjay]

My mother pried it out of me with a crowbar before I was ready, but it was cool.  I then called my siblings, my dad, and then told my brother in person (I live with him).  Others I emailed a letter to.

I've heard that emailing or mailing a letter helps, because people can freak and react and then calm down before talking to you.

Either way I guess, no one right way.


Jay

[pennyjane]

hi hon...i did it one at a time and as soon as i knew.  i did it on the phone with each in that i was already dressed enfemme.  really it was nothing more then a heads up....all my family said, "well, we knew that years and years ago...so...what happens now?"

[trapthavok]

Alex: Thanks. We don't do christmas letters though o.O In fact we don't even do the whole "here's a picture of us now!" deal. We DO write out christmas cards now that I think about it. Wouldn't it be fun finding a little letter in your christmas card one year..... That's an interesting idea.

Jay: Emailing/Letters is definitely the way to go. I feel like there are very few people in my family that I would/could/want to tell face to face. My godmother, grandmother, and cousins I grew up with are definite yes's to that plan...the others may just get an email...

Jane: That was REALLY brave of you. My hat goes off to you. My family is really ignorant though so I feel like I would get really flustered talking to them on the phone, a lot of questions would ensue, and I wouldn't be able to handle it. Since I'm a writer, usually my mouth gets plugged up when I'm backed into a corner talking to people, but my words come out better on paper.

[JonasCarminis]

my mom kindof told my family.  im still not sure of what they think is going on since my mom cant seem to get it through her head.  she got mad at me for an unrelated reason and then told her side of the family.  shes crazy like that.  either way, saved me the trouble!

[sarahb]

Actually, it's still kind of a haze for me. I'm not entirely sure who in the extended family knows at this point. I'm pretty sure a couple aunts and uncles know because my mom told them about me, but I don't talk to them too often so I haven't actually confirmed anything with them. I know a couple cousins still don't know since one of them text'ed me a couple weeks ago asking how <male name> was. Due to the fact that we're pretty non-communicational I haven't had a good time to come out with them. I haven't felt it a good idea to just call up one day and say, "Hey, so ya, I'm a girl now. How have you been?"

I guess when the time comes it'll probably be me just showing up one day as myself and telling them then. I guess that'll work. Not too much advice here, but that's my experience with coming out to extended family.

[sneakersjay]

OOPS.

I didn't read your initial post right.  Senile moment.

Anyway, as far as extended family, I'm mailing a letter out this week, maybe next if I don't quite get to it this week (the printing and envelope stuffing etc).  I was going to wait until the Christmas card but figured I'd do it  now instead.  My voice is deepening and even people at work (not quite out there either) are noticing and asking if I have a cold.  Um, no.  LOL.


Jay

[trapthavok]

My voice is deepening and even people at work (not quite out there either) are noticing and asking if I have a cold.  Um, no.  LOL.

I practiced voice deepening for a while and went back to visit someone at one of my old jobs... By that time I was deepening my voice unconsciously, and didn't remember I was doing it. She said the same thing! "Do you have a cold?" LOL Jay that's hilarious.

Sarah: Everyone's journey is different so your input is still much appreciated here! Thank you Face to face... wow. I wonder if I can do that...


I probably shoulda put it into context for everyone sooner. All of my dad's family is in new york and I rarely ever see/speak to them. I might just send them letters based on everyone's advice. But mom's family is here in the same city, and usually less than a 10 minute drive away. Some of them I grew up with, but all of them I see constantly. When I go home, there's always someone at my house! So I'm going to have to work out a different strategy for them.

[Kate]

I only told the family I routinely talk to (through phone calls). By the time I told them though, they'd kinda guessed what was up anyway, as they're also the ones who saw me the most.

Otherwise, I figured I'd deal with everyone else as I bumped into them. I didn't like the idea of calling up people I rarely talk to just to tell them about this. That seemed kinda... I dunno... presumptuous? I had a rule to not over-explain myself, as at some point it starts to seem like "apologizing" for who we are. Why CAN'T you just walk into Thanksgiving Dinner as you now? Do you really "owe" them a forewarning?

With me, as Fate would have it, not long after I told the immediate family, I ended up photographing a niece's wedding. Meaning... I'd be out in front of the entire extended family... as Kate. Oh my!

I went, and braced myself for having to go through endless explanations... but ya know what? Word apparently had spread, as everyone I met just called me Kate right away. It was the weirdest experience, it was like I'd always been Kate as far as everyone was concerned. The whole transition subject never came up at all, not with anyone. I was apparently just Kate now with them, and that was that.

So I dunno, I'd say "seed" the information with people who are closest to you, and let Fate take care of the rest

~Kate~

[almost,angie]

I haven`t yet I`m waiting till I go full time and I`m not doing that till I get FFS. I was going to send a picture of myself at that point and say this is me now, call me Angie or don`t call me at all. The email thing I would say is the way to go.

[Kate]

I was going to send a picture of myself at that point and say this is me now, call me Angie or don`t call me at all.

That may not be the best way to encourage acceptance

I've found that what worked best for me was to just inform people of the facts. No explanations, no justifying it, no GID lessons, just let them know what's up... like if you changed jobs or something. "Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm changing my sex and going by 'Angie' now. So what's new with you?"

But like my therapist always said, "if you push, they're going to push back..."

~Kate~

[pennyjane]

well, i got all kinds of questions.  everything from, "well, do you remember exactly when it was you went crazy?" to "what happens now?"  i answered all the questions as honestly and forthrightly as i could.  i didn't pull any punches but i did let everybody know that their continued presence in my life was not a matter of indifference to me.  i had already decided that i was going to fight for everyone in my life.  if they left me it wouldn't be because i hadn't wanted them to stay.  yes, i got good with the trans 101 talk, and with some even far more in depth.  i'm happy to say that even though some are still uncomfortable with me, none has just left me blank.

i don't think things are just the same with anyone though.  even those in my family who want to use pj for me still goof it up...i don't mind.  even the ones who choose not to use my new name, i still love and i don't let that stop me from staying with them and hoping for a future.

this is my life and i figure that i want it to be as much like i want it to be as possible.  people are far and away the most important, and family tops that list.

[Northern Jane]

I can't just walk through the door one day for thanksgiving amidst all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and say "Hey" in this deep booming voice, full beard, and all and act like nothing has changed.

Why? I think that would be A BLAST! LOL!

Sorry I can't offer anything better. I was never "in" so I never had to come "out". Everybody and his brother (and great uncle Charlie) knew from childhood that I wasn't going to be "normal" so it is more like everybody was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Sandy]

I was kind of forced into it.  When I started seeing my therapist I also started shaving myself more aggressively (arms, legs and chest).

Even though I didn't have that much hair it was noticed by my kids.  When they started questioning I felt that I had to make some sort of announcement.

I brought them together, my kids (adults at the time), and ex spouse and my spouse at the time was present as well (she already knew, of course).  I took a deep breath and said, "I am a transsexual..."  And the rest just came pouring out.

While there was a silence after made my announcement, none of them were completely shocked.  They had some questions like "are you going to go all the way?" and like that.  But, they were completely supportive and they said they knew I carried a heavy burden, but couldn't figure out what it was.

To my sister and younger brother I told them in person.  To my oldest and youngest brother I sent emails to their families.  Both my parents had passed.  And anyone I missed got a Christmas card the following year from Sandy.

Overall it went fairly easily.

-Sandy

[tekla]

The coming out at Christmas deal is so widespread that its almost a cliche in the gay community.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWPMkDDAb7w&feature=related

[icontact]

Ahahahaha I love that video Tekla!

As for you Nate, I got no advice, sorry man. All of my extended family is on another contentinent, I don't know anything more about them except for their existence, and honestly, not even that, I just know I have some people over there. Don't know their names, how many, or how they are related to me. Avoided all of my parents' get-togethers, so even my parents' friends I don't know. I guess it will make coming out a lot easier.

In which case, I offer you all the luck I don't need!

--This was my 222th post, thus the extra luck from that I also bestow upon thee. Heh.

[trapthavok]

That's ok Asher. Bah my parents always used to drag me to their stuff. Makes it harder.

AND LOL I forgot to reply here, but I thought tekla's video was AWESOME too!! HAHAHA that's so funny!!!

[alexkidd]

love that video

watch my parents have a cow

- that was classic

[Jay]

I told my mum september last year.. she said "no suprise" She told me I had to tell my dad.. which I didn't. However she did, she kept telling me that I needed to talk to him about it. When I asked him "what do you think about my transition?" he said "fine or nothing" and changed the subject EXTREMLY quickly. My sister was crying and I blurted it out.. I haven't talked about it since with her, we dont have a close relationship as we are completely diffrent. My mum I think has tried to be helpful.. but she just gets angry and said once to be "your not ->-bleeped-<-ing my life up, just because your ->-bleeped-<-ing yours up" No one else knows, my little sister doesn't know, she has asked me "Do you want to be a boy?" and I said "no" as she is very influental at this age. I will tell her later on and she will be find with it as we are very close.

My parents still call me my girl name and "she" "her" "girl".. I dont think they will accept it. My mother said the other night "look how hairy your legs are" in a disgusting tone. I just ignore her.


My dads family mostely live in America he has his sister who lives her who I am quite close to she has asked if i have a cold and I said yeah.. she doesn't know anymore and I dont think it would vase her either.

My Mums brothers and sisters grand dad, Grand ma, DO NOT KNOW. As my granddad, and grandma will disown my parents I think. So I am not going to come out to that side of the family, and my mother doesn't want me to either. Which is fair enough. I honestly dont care if I ever saw them again to be honest as they never really gave a sh*t about me so it doesn't matter...

Work three people know.. some people must have guessed as they have commented on my facial hair, deep voice to my manager.. I do not wish to come out to the ones that I have not told as I couldn't give two sh*ts what they think and I will recieve a backlash if I do.. so at the moment no not out at work.. will come out just before I go for top sugery though.

So a year and a month on I am still a girl to my family who will not accept it and thinks its just a fase.

Just my life story.. sorry to bore you.

(ONE HELL OF A POST!)