No Win Situation

[Lost]

After giving it a lot of thought and looking at my options, I have found that all Roads lead to the same place. I have no options. Since I cannot afford SRS and HRT I feel is just a cover up, another lie to live. As long as I have a penis it would still be a male body pretending to be a woman it is a mask. I know there are a lot of people who dont think that but to but to me that is only going half way and I cant do that. I deceide to crawl back into my hole. It may not be comfortable but I have spent many years there and seeing that there is nothing else I can do I have no choice. I am going to contuine with my therapist. I can admit to being a TS but since I see no options and I cant change things. I can not accept it and see no reason to come out to my family. I feel if I deny it long enough I will be able to believe it and feel better about my self.

[pennyjane]

well, lost...it's not likely you'll ever convince yourself it isn't real.  it is real and it is you.  you may not want to "come out" to anyone, honey, but you can no more turn yourself into a man then you can drive your car to the moon...it ain't gonna happen.

if you were born a woman, you will die a woman.  what you do about it is entirely up to you.  some people do go through life without doing anything of a physical nature and live reasonably good and happy lives.  you just have to come to the terms with it that are right for you.

you do continue on with your therapist, keep looking, keep searching and keep an open mind.  circumstances change and options follow.  one thing you always have, it's yours if you want it....that's hope.

[Lost]

Its not a question of if it is real or not. But if I can not change my body to match the my mind then why come out? Why should I stir up a bees nest? I just figured that if I cant become the woman I am then it is better to suffer alone then to make my family  suffer and lose them. and possibly lose my job?
Why should I risk everything if I cant do anything to correct my body? That would just bring me more suffering then what I am feeling now.

[Jay]

Lost I wish you all the luck hun.

[pennyjane]

hi lost.  i hear your question and find it ligitimate.  the answer is unique to each individual.  sometimes asking "why should i" do something can be approaced from the other side as well, "why shouldn't i"?  it's really a matter of what you can live with.

for some people, and that seems to be where you are right now, it really is all or nothing.  if you can't see how you can have it all and can find a way to live with nothing, then that's where you are and you need to get about finding that way.  it's been done before and may be what's in the cards for you.

all i can say is...don't burn bridges...keep all your options open until you need to close them off.  it's ok to leave decisions unmade until you're sure of what you want to do.  it's also ok to not know what that is...to be searching for answers that will be best for you.  stay with the therapist and keep asking questions...your own answers will follow.  God bless with...

[vanna]

Hi Lost

if you were in a financial position to afford hrt,ffs, srs or anything else you needed then would you still go back to your uncomfortable hole as you say and live there or would you transition?

If the answer is transition then surely the driving force in your life is clearer, improve your situation and status, do what it takes to get you to the next level. Baby steps but steps none the less.

Personally i was in the same position, a hardcore ts drug addict who would employ me? but now i have my own business and im putting away money each week to correct the faults my birth made.

I know its easy to wax lyrical in here but its only out of reach if you deem it so hunny. Also what pennyjane says is so true, dont burn bridges and keep options open. Once you let out your demons they rarely go back and that goes for telling people when your not physically or mentally ready.

Hugs"
Vanna

[sneakersjay]

Life is all about choices.  There are lots of choices from full transition/SRS/FFS to staying in the closet and everything in between. 

And from someone in the process of coming out fully: you'd be surprised at how many supporters you will have.  I came out to another coworker this weekend and found out that her best friend for the last 8 years is a transwoman.


Jay

[Kate]

But if I can not change my body to match the my mind then why come out?

Coming out to people was by far THE most therapeutic part of my transition process. Just being able to finally release the shame and guilt that had built up over the decades, to share this Big Dark Secret I'd been hiding and get it out into the open... was wonderfully freeing.

It was a risk to start telling people, but one I felt I had to take. And while I expected to be shunned, I received nothing but kindness and compassion from everyone instead.

~Kate~

[pennyjane]

hi kate.  it was much the same for me.  "coming out" was the most theraputic thing i think i ever did.  and, like you, i found far more of that understanding and compassion thing then the consternation and even hate i'd imagined.

as vanna said....it'll only work when you're ready though.  i've had that same thought i guess we all have when we finally decide to do it..."wow....why the heck didn't i do this 40 years ago???"  well, it could be that 40 years ago i wasn't ready and may very well have made a bigger mess of myself then i was.  do it when you're ready...when the time is right for you.

[sneakersjay]

It was a risk to start telling people, but one I felt I had to take. And while I expected to be shunned, I received nothing but kindness and compassion from everyone instead.

~Kate~

Ditto this.


Jay

[Lost]

Thank you all for your replies and I will give it some thought, but it is like vanna said it is all or nothing. As far as coming out to my family ( forget coming out at work that is pure NUTS!!!) If I cant move forward I do not see any reason to lose my family. I know everyone says " you will be surprised" but I know my family very well and I very well know the out come. I have given up a very good pension ( I had one year left) although I wouldnt have receive until I was 60 ( a very long time down the road) I still gave up my furture. If I was to move forward then YES I would have risked it and come out to my family. I am in LIMBO not being able to afford SRS and HRT would only cover the problem not solve it.