Flatmates

[jenny_]

I've moved to a new city a month ago, where nobody knows me from pre-transition.  And i haven't told any friends or colleagues about me being trans, so the only people who know are those that have guessed.

And the people who are most likely to guess would be my flatmates as they're gonna see me at my worst and without (much) makeup and stuff.  And i'm so anxious all the time that they know (or suspect) but haven't said anything to me about it.  So i'm thinking that i should just tell them.  But then there's the fear of reactions and stuff.

I'd rather be out to them properly if they've guessed, but not if they haven't.  but thats not gonna work unless i learn to mind-read first!

So i'm trying to decide, is it better to come out or not?  To be worried constantly that i'm gonna out myself accidentally, or to risk the consequences of telling the truth?  Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[KarenLyn]

This probably won't be much help but I always assume they've figured it out and haven't said anything. Then if anything comes up, I always exclaim "I thought you knew!" 

my 2¢
Karen Lyn

[pennyjane]

one of the perks of being who i am and doing it my way....i ain't in no closet and i never will be again.  i am out...out as exactly who i am, a woman....a transwoman to be specific.  i'm proud of every bit of it, and i never have to worry about anybody finding out, never have or lie or manipulate or sneak or or worry or wonder or put on airs or any of that destructive nonsense.......just be me.  i love it!

[jenny_]

one of the perks of being who i am and doing it my way....i ain't in no closet and i never will be again.  i am out...out as exactly who i am, a woman....a transwoman to be specific.  i'm proud of every bit of it, and i never have to worry about anybody finding out, never have or lie or manipulate or sneak or or worry or wonder or put on airs or any of that destructive nonsense.......just be me.  i love it!

I don't lie nor manipulate and i resent that your implication that if you don't tell everyone that your trans, then you are a manipulative liar.  I don't want people to know because i want people to treat me as me, and not with any prejudices they have about us.

I respect your decision to be completely out and understand your reasons for it.  But likewise, i've made a decision to be out to as few people as possible, and i hope that you can also respect that.

I suppose my original question comes down to "who is it necessary to come out to?" particularly relatively early in transition.



I'm sorry pennyjane, i think my initial response was a complete over-reaction.  Thankyou for your post, i think i understand what you mean now.

I don't think my decision to tell people only when they "need to know" will change, and in the future i doubt i'm gonna be particularly open about this aspect of me.  But i also know that my worries are probably as damaging as any negative reaction from somebody could be.  And those fears aren't going away right now.

So maybe, for my own sake, i should be more willing to be open about this part of myself.  That just terrifies me though.

[pennyjane]

hi jenny.  thank you for your kind words.  yes, if it works then it's probably good.  i was just sharing what works for me, not trying to tell anyone they should or should not do it their way.

i don't worry about those who live in stealth and it works for them,  those for whom life wouldn't fall apart if their stealth were stripped away.  if that works for them and they are comfortable in their own skin, then they are where they need to be.  i really can't even call that living in stealth, it's just living.

i fret for those who live in stealth and feel they would lose everything if they were found out.  these people live very pecarious lives and i just can't see how that's healthy on any level.  their lives are lived in fear, they are the ones who actually are lying, decieving and manipulating.  i don't mean that as derogatory, just as fact.  i know the behavior because i recognize it in myself and i know i'm prone to just such things.  it's negative behavior and it just simply isn't healthy, it twarts almost any attempt at real growth.  their whole life depends on physical appearance, i just cannot see for the life of me how anyone can accept that as a solid foundation.  i can't find it in me the lack of enough compassion to not recognize that, point it out to those who need it and hope this perspective is of some value to some.  and then duck.....

God bless with...

[Kate]

But i also know that my worries are probably as damaging as any negative reaction from somebody could be.  And those fears aren't going away right now.

So maybe, for my own sake, i should be more willing to be open about this part of myself.  That just terrifies me though.

For what it's worth, no one has ever reacted... well... reacted much at all in ANY way whenever I've told them. I just get this "and you're telling me this because... ?" confused look usually.

Flatmates are different though, as you're living close with them. The closest I can relate to is when we've hired new employees whom I've had to work with every day. I kinda feel bad not saying something, as all the other employees DO know since I transitioned on the job. Still though, my Golden Rule is to not think about this TS stuff and let things take care of themselves.

One of the new employees had apparently known about me for almost a year, although I had no idea if he knew or not during that time. The subject never came up, nor did he or I ever drop hints or anything. He's never known me as anything other than Kate, so EVEN WITH that knowledge, I was and am just Kate to him. Only when rumours started spreading about my leaving for SRS did he finally approach me about it, very politely explaining that while he didn't want to talk about something off limits, he felt he needed to offer me his best wishes for the surgery. He explained that otherwise he just didn't consider it any of his business.

And that reaction, such as it is, is pretty typical of everyone who's found out my history AFTER getting to know me first.

Kate

[Laura Eva B]

Jenny,

You don't say if your flatmates are all girls or whether its a mixed flatshare (that would certainly make telling off limits) ?  Or whether you are pre- or post-op (which does make a big difference if you're sharing bathrooms and stuff) ?

Do you get on with them as friends, do they like you, do you socialise and do things together ?

Honestly if its working out and you're accepted as a woman by them you have everything to lose and nothing to gain by telling.  You can't "un-tell" and afterwards you'll know you'll always be regarded differently by them, however friendly they remain.

If they suspect right now and are friendly they'll understand why you want to keep that part of your life private.

Guess my philosophy is never to tell ... if people find out and are forthright enough to bring up the subject (which would be so unusual) then I'll explain ... otherwise its no one's bussiness but mine.  For me the only exception to "not telling" is serious dating. 

Its not as if I'm totally stealth, just that I feel no need to reveal a very personal medical condition I've long dealt with to anybody.

And believe me you find that once you are at ease with yourself, and you look OK passable (which is important), nobody will have any reason to suspect ...

"Is she trans ?" is the last thing which would come to anyone's mind ... and the closer and closer you get with friends or flatmates, the less and less reason they will have to question the gender they initially perceived you to be.

Think people identify your gender within less than a second of meeting you, and that impression really sticks.  You could start re-building Harley Davidsons in the back garden and they would just think "Jenny's adopted a nice new hobby !".

Hope things continue working out for you, and PLEASE, think really hard before telling.

Laura x

[Janet_Girl]

Jenny,

Are you in RLT?  If so is not being open with your flatmates, going against RLT. 

It is your call of course, and none for us can tell you what to do.  But as for me, I have to be open.  I can not and will not live as a male again.  I don't care what happens, I have to live as me.

[Kate]

Are you in RLT?  If so is not being open with your flatmates, going against RLT. 

For me, telling anyone about my past who didn't absolutely need to know would have violated my RLT, as I had no intention of being "out" about it post-transition... so I needed to know I could get through those sorts of awkward situations.

Naturally though, if someone DOES plan to be open and out about it post-transition, then it's not a problem for the RLT since the point is to see if you can "handle" the life you're heading into, however we each define that.

Kate

[Janet_Girl]

Are you in RLT?  If so is not being open with your flatmates, going against RLT. 

For me, telling anyone about my past who didn't absolutely need to know would have violated my RLT, as I had no intention of being "out" about it post-transition... so I needed to know I could get through those sorts of awkward situations.

Naturally though, if someone DOES plan to be open and out about it post-transition, then it's not a problem for the RLT since the point is to see if you can "handle" the life you're heading into, however we each define that.

Kate

I understand this, Kate.  But I thought the whole point of RLT was to live in your gender.  And would this not entail being open and out in some fashion.  I mean if I am starting a RLT, then I have to live as a woman.  And if I am sharing living accommodations, does that not mean I would have to explain the change.

But of course, in the case of our Jenny, if she is living as a woman full time, why bother.  It is obvious that they think she is a woman already.

Even thought I am open about my transition, there will come a time when I will want to go stealth.  And then my past becomes a 'noneya'. None Ya business.

[jenny_]

I've still not decided what i will do post-transition, about open-ness - i'm either gonna tell nobody (unless absolutely necessary) or i might tell a few people.  And for the RLT, i don't think me telling anybody of my past stops me living as a woman in the present.

One of the reasons i was thinking of being open with a few people, was that in the past i always had friends nearby who knew and who i could talk to about it.  I don't think its any secret that i've struggled this past year with transition and other stuff, and having friends around who knew helped.  But i know what a risk it is to be open and i know how much it could cost me.

When i moved here i came with the intention not to tell people.  I thought it would be liberating being able to live here with people who don't know my past, and where nobody knew me from pre-transition.  And it probably has been.  But it has also left me feeling very isolated.

[Rachael]

one of the perks of being who i am and doing it my way....i ain't in no closet and i never will be again.  i am out...out as exactly who i am, a woman....a transwoman to be specific.  i'm proud of every bit of it, and i never have to worry about anybody finding out, never have or lie or manipulate or sneak or or worry or wonder or put on airs or any of that destructive nonsense.......just be me.  i love it!

If you are post transition, you are in no closet... unless every woman is in a closet too?

Not everyone is proud of it, or wants to be...

Lie?
Manipulate?
sneak?

Oh dear.... just...... No.... you have the wrong end of a totally different stick...


If you view being seen as a natal woman as being manipulation or lies, then im afraid you shouldnt have transitioned!